iMPACT Recap Sept 20, 2012
iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now MY Music!!!
-Remember how last week Tara backstabbed the champ, James Storm lost it
on a former champ, Ed Hardy confronted a current champ, and Joseph Park was also
there? Oh yeah and the Raiders beat the
Steelers so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-Now that we’re all caught up, let’s take this recap like it’s
Rothlesburger’s date, shall we?
-Back stage, Hogan is walking through some kind of dark hallway when he
comes upon the worlds most giantest black man!
It’s SHAQ! And apparently he has
hulksters back against the Aces and Eights.
In other news, Kobe Bryant is also a rapist.
-OMGITSOPENFIGHTNIGHTAGAIN!!!!
-Backstage Al Snow is on his way to a meeting about Joey Ryan and no, I
don’t care either.
-Gut Check this week features an 18 year old kid, which makes him old
enough to be Ric Flairs illegitimate great grandchild, Woooooo!
-Hulk Hogan is backstage on the phone with Joseph Park, who is stuck in
traffic but has the evidence in hand.
I’m guessing he doesn’t make it...
-It’s GUT CHECK TIME! In the
ring, Evan Markoutulous takes on Surprisingly Still Employed Dougie Williams. The kid gets very little offense in this
match and it is about as exciting as you would expect. I wonder if TNA realises that constantly
putting amatures on television makes them look like amatures. It is still the
Gut Check match of the night mind you, and gets five Findlay stars for a dougie
beatdown.
-Nothing entertains a crowd full of cross-eyes like a cowboy so James
Storm is here! He comes to the ring and
asks if he can be serious for a minute...
Then he calls out Bobby Roode for a “Man Kicking a Coward’s Ass”
match. I’m not sure but I think that might
be no DQ. Roode comes out in a suit,
calls the crowd a bunch of morons and says he’s not fighting. I’m not sure what Storm expected after
spending so much time establishing that Roode was a coward. The buzzkill Hulk Hogan decides that they
have to fight so it’s on like something resembling a classy gorilla. The two start brawling all over the iMPACT
zONE. Spoiler alert!! This is the same match they are going to have
at Bound for Glory. They go back and
forth smashing each other in to every hard surface they can find. The two fight
around the ring for some time and every time they get close to this
particularly classy blond bimbo at ring side she screams FUCK YOU CANADA in to
Bobby Roode’s face. She makes a strong
case for bringing back the rule of thumb.
Anyway, Referee Brian Hebner can’t seem to get control of this match so
at about the three hour mark, he calls for the bell to be rung and the match to
stop. It doesn’t of course and the two
pull out a little thing I like to call “Brawl to the back” (Calm down,
Cam). In spite of the no contest finish,
this was a tremendous match full of fun spots.
It’s so far in the lead for match of the night, I don’t see how I could
give it any less than five stars.
-Back stage Hogan has a phone conversation that doesn’t make any sense
but seems to revolve around Aces and Eights.
-Backstage Triple A Austin Aries tracks down Ed Hardy and interrupts his
black out to let him know that he wants what Hardy has. Hardy looks confused then writes down a phone
number on a sticky note and hands it to Aries.
He says that this guy will hook him up.
Aries walks away befuddled.
-It’s the Knockouts Time of the Month because Terrible Tara is stomping
out to the ring to rant about what a bunch of morons the TNA audience are, and
about how the champ used her to get to the top.
Then she decides that since it is open fight night, she’s going to call
out Slow Pan Christy Hemme! Tara gets in
Hemme’s face for a bit before the champ comes out and chases her off. Later,
She-Hulk tracks Tara down and lets her know that there will be consequences for
this as if anyone gives a shit.
-Hulk Hogan is coming to the ring!! I bet he’s here to keep the Aces and
Eights storyline from advancing. It’s
hard to tell what he’s babbling about although it is amusing that he does
continually say “Joseph Parks” A video
comes on where the an ace or eight destroys Park’s computer while another hits
Park in the head. I guess this gets us
closer to answers?
-When we come back from commercial, in the ring, the World’s Tiniest
Champ IS HEEEEERE! He’s focused on defeating Ed Hardy at Bound for Glory so
obviously he calls out Whatshisname. The
two banter back and forth about who’s the better man and Aries finally gets
tired of talking and hits a twisting plancha to remind us that IT’S MAIN EVENT
TIME!! The two smash the heck out of
each other for some time with Whatshisname controlling most of the action. Aries managed a comeback late in the match
and hits a few sweet highspot sequences before
Whatshisname takes over again.
Aries locked in the LastChancery at one point but Ancient Earl Hebner
had earlier been blasted in to next week.
The break allows Whatshisname to blast Aries with the Wallet Chain of Ridiculous
Booking just in time for the Hebs to come to his senses and count the
three. Jobbing your champ out to someone
other than his pay per view opponent because you want him to look as weak as possible
is what I call “The TNA Finish” Ed Hardy
then runs down to the ring to chase off Whatshisname and raise the title belt
over his head because he is obviously the future of this business.
Anyway...
That
happened.
You
can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week!
Your Pal, 2HoT.
