The Real Evil

First a disclaimer... There are many of my friends going through intensely personal tragedies.  Illnesses, deaths, job loss.  This is not to minimize those very important and painful things. 

A picture of a toddler washed up on the beach in a far off land has stopped me in my tracks.  So this is going to be rambly. And likely contradictory.  Because life is kind of like that.  And yeah, I’m going to put a picture of the toddler here.  Because no one should look away.

 

I get up, I make coffee, I shower with running water that is hot, I eat food kept from spoiling cooked on an electric device that does not pump carcinogens into my face.  I turn on the AC, get in my car, drive to my job, that pays less than most people think it does, but still enough that I can manage all that for the most part.  I enjoy it, it is clean and safe and has a whole list of perks I can save for another time.  I talk about globalization and neocolonialism, and all that stuff.  When I have spare bucks I donate to causes that promote peace and justice, I reduce-reuse-recycle as much as I can, but I don’t actually HAVE to.  I give bags of toiletries to homeless people.  I can feel good about all that. 

But…that is all privilege.  I know, some of you are going to go “OH NO NOT THE P WORD.”  But it really is.  I worked really hard to get all that, and it was not handed to me.  But I could have worked just as hard somewhere else, and not been allowed to drive.  Or get a job.  In another place, in another time, it wouldn’t really have mattered what I did.  I would not have access to education.  I would not have indoor plumbing and central air.  I’m well aware of that actually, and grateful every day.  I’m a firm believer that one should use one’s privilege to address inequality.

But…. I don’t.  I give out bags and donate money, and don’t poison my dandelions.  But that’s it, really.  I chose to live 20 miles away from my workplace, instead of closer, so I could walk.  I chose to drive a car that gets pretty good gas mileage, but I drive it alone.  And there are cars with better mileage.  Sometimes my spouse and I are going the same places, but take two cars instead of sharing because “it’ll be more convenient.”  I turn on air conditioning in my house, when I’m not even going to be there…because….why?

The hypocrisy of it all hit me this morning as I watched the news and coverage of refugees leaving Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran.  In that moment I felt a profound sense of despair, which still lingers.  I have seen countless images like this; watched coverage of human suffering.  I listen to voices who reach out to help and I had, until this day, a sense of hope, that maybe, some day, we’d get it right.

But we don’t.  Every generation says we’re going to be the ones to end war.  And then, I don’t know, something happens.  They grow up.  They have kids and discover that those kids need to be fed, and that very primal, biological, evolutionary imperative to make sure the genes live on sends us to offices and factories and stores to earn money to feed kids.  Maybe…there’s other things I’m sure.  But that drive is really no different from a mother that puts her toddlers on a rubber raft to set sail into the Mediterranean.  If they stay, it’s certain death.  If they go, well, there’s a chance.  And some do make it.  I’d probably take the chance too, except sitting in my artificially lit, climate controlled office with my Internet…I’m not sure if I’d have what it takes.

And I will likely not have to see.  Because warfare happens elsewhere these days.  And that’s what this is really about.  Refugees are not flocking to Europe to see the art or tour big castles.  They aren’t pouring across the Texas border in search of hamburgers and fries and glamourous jobs like cleaning offices and picking strawberries.  No, they are simply trying to survive.  And they are pretty sure they can’t where they are coming from.  And they’re probably right.

The true evil in the world isn’t that person over there who looks differently from you.  It’s not the person who won’t use the right pronoun.  It’s not the person who loves someone that you think they shouldn’t.  It’s not the person who BELIEVES something differently from you.  It’s not the person who cut you off in traffic, or makes you push 1 for English, or flies a flag you dislike, or wears a uniform, or any of a number of other things you see and hear.  No, the true evil in the world is WAR and the true purveyors of said evil are the WAR MONGERS who profit off it. 

There is no conflict in the world today that could NOT be dealt with through diplomacy.  You say you have a right to that piece of land over there? Fine, sit down with others, present your case, come up with a solution.  You want to govern yourselves?  Cool, let’s see how we can make that happen, or maybe once we talk you find out that’s not a good thing for you after all.  You want control over that natural resource? Let’s see what we can do.  Is it easier? No.  Or at least it’s a different kind of difficult.  It’s got to be cheaper, both in terms of actual costs, and lives lost and changed forever.  But…we don’t do that.  We’ve NEVER done that.  We’ve got these big brains that SHOULD take a bit more charge over our more basic instincts for territory and mates, but we don’t actually USE them for that.  And I’m beginning to think we never, ever will.

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Fan The Flames: A Feminist Reviews "50 Shades of Grey"

I know what you're saying.  "That's so last year."  Well, I had been resisting reading the books, having successfully done so with the "Twilight" phenomenon.  But I had so many people (including my church-lady cousin, which was...bizarre) tell me "OMG YOU SHOULD READ THIS" that I started to get curious.  I also had students read them (their decision) for a paper in one of my classes, and I was wondering about the "plot."   I was able to borrow copies from a friend, so I could feel good about not actually contributing money to this!

I should also disclaim that I am by no means a romance novel aficionado.  I find the stories predictable and formulaic, the heroines are needy and one-dimensional, and their romantic targets just as shallow.    I have read them, and never has one kept my interest for anything other than "Will my prediction about the plot be right?"  The answer has always been yes.

The typical plot (since I am pretty sure no one here has read them either) is the following:

• Boy meets Girl
• Boy and Girl are from "two different words" that are inherently in conflict in some way.  Maybe one of them is rich, the other poor.  One's family owns a lumbermill, the other is an eco-terrorist that drives spikes into trees.
• Conflict causes problems that appear to be insurmountable
• Conflict is overcome because one or the other completely changes their outlook, beliefs, whatever is necessary to make this work, OFTEN the woman.  
• Happily Ever After

.

The sex scenes also have their formula.  There's a good deal of sexual tension through the first third of  the book, and then they are completely and totally swept away by some chance event and have the best sex ever.  It's never awkward or fumbling as two people get to know how things work together (i.e. not realistic), it's always the most amazing experience she has ever had, and even if she's a virgin she has mind-shattering multiple orgasms.  There's usually just the one scene with minute detail, and the rest are anywhere from a 'fade to black' kind of thing, to significantly less detail (but still mind-shattering multiple orgasms).

Orientation, over, we turn now to "50 Shades."  The first book, Fifty Shades of Grey, follows this formula  fairly closely.  Anastasia Steele, awkward, middle-class, soon-to-graduate English major meets super hot, super smooth, super wealthy Christian Grey.  Grey.  Steele.  Get it?  It's like destiny.  Pretty soon he's showing up at her work, and engaging in all manner of stalking behavior that should, for most intelligent women, send her for a restraining order.  Of course that would make this a short story, rather than a trilogy.  I'll spare the details, but she falls hopelessly in love with him in short order, and he buys her laptops, Blackberries, iPads, and Audis.  Yes, an Audi.  A bit extreme.  But the ONLY thing that differentiates this from other romance novels is that, oh yes, he's into BDSM.  Bondage and Discipline;  Dominance and submission; Sadism and Masochism.  He asks her to be his new "sub," has her sign a contract  and nondisclosure agreement and, upon discovering her virginity, makes short work of that (which is of  course an awesome experience for her).  Eventually she decides that she can't handle this, and by the end of the first book, she leaves him.  

A lot of the tropes of romance novel writing are there, so none of this was unexpected.  The sex scenes  are all in the same amount of detail as the typical 'first time' scene in other romance novels, rather  than just skimming over anything after the big first time, so that is new, as is what happens in some of  those scenes (unless you read BDSM erotica, that is).  In fact, were it NOT for the kink, the books would never have gotten much attention at all.

And there are two more books to go.

They get back together obviously, and have many an adventure.  The second book, "Fifty Shades Darker" was probably the best one of the trilogy in that I wasn't actually sure where things were going to go.  Christian begs Anastasia to come back, and she predictably does.  She continues to be stubborn and resist when she doesn’t like things.  She asked him to try 'vanilla' sex when he was desperate to get her back, and he agreed.  

Normally, this is a problem of romance novels.  "If I love him enough, he'll change" is the theme song of  many a novel and many a bad relationship.  So automatically I think I see where this is going.  But...he doesn't change.  He doesn't give up his detached BDSM tastes, but makes them secondary to the other aspects of their relationship.  They still have a large amount of sex, both vanilla and kinky, described in painstaking detail, which leaves me to wonder how either of them have enough energy for their jobs when they never seem to sleep.  

The second and third book focus on them negotiating their relationship in and out of the bedroom, while also dealing with his myriad psychological issues.  They eventually marry within about six months of their first encounter, and in an epilogue of for the third book, they have one child with a second on the way and are of course ridiculously rich and deliriously happy.  

I recall when the books came out, the pop culture pundits wanted to know:  What does it all mean?  Middle class women are completely and totally devouring these books, and the new term "mommy porn" was coined, never mind that romance novels were already that before this.  Obviously, most of the talk centered around the kinky nature of the sex, and commentators focused on the post-feminist  era of women realizing that maybe they didn't want to have it all, and they really secretly wanted men to be in control somewhere.  My favorite was that all women specifically wanted to be dominated.  But because we're expected to have both career and family, we sublimated those desires into fantasies about domination, which E. L. James just happened to put into writing.

I call bullshit on that.  I know a few people in the BDSM community, and I know just as many female  "dommes" as male "doms," so the idea that this is some sort of anti-feminist reaction is flawed.  But then, there's no evidence that EL James knows anything about BDSM other than what she might have read somewhere.  First, the "kinky" sex portrayed, is barely outside of the vanilla realm.  It's being tied  up and blindfolded, with some spanking and teasing.  That's it, and only barely qualifies as kink.  In the first third of the book, where they are negotiating their relationship, Grey gives her a list of hard limits (things that are non-negotiable that he refuses to do), and eliminates nearly everything from the kink realm that isn't binding and teasing his partner.  He does seem to like the flogging and caning, but when  Anastasia says she doesn't want that, he easily discards it.  One could say that's being a sensitive  dom, except there's nothing about their relationship that remotely resembles a dom/sub relationship, which is my second quibble.

In a dom/sub relationship, activities are negotiated, and James portrays that, but she leaves one very  important bit out:  The sub always has the power to say no, and negotiate, but this is not presented to  Anastasia in anything but the vaguest of terms.  He tells her she can say no, and gives her a safeword,  but  it isn't until two-thirds of the way through the first book, and quite a few scenarios, that he  actually expresses what power she has.  Even then, it isn't until the second book that she actually realizes it, and uses a safeword when things get too much.  We can chalk it up to her virginal inexperience, but as he is an experienced dom, it falls on him to make sure she understands.  He doesn't, and she is so desperate to be with him (and I would argue in any kind of relationship) that what they actually have is a codependent relationship, not a dom/sub relationship.

Leaving the bondage aside, there was one thing about the trilogy I did like.  I mentioned that Anastasia  leaves Christian because she doesn't like the arrangement they have.  He is devastated and promises  to change, so she comes back, as already discussed.  But then, the change is subtle, and it is more about  incorporating each of their tastes into their lives and finding a balance that works. This extends outside  of the bedroom where her demands for independence and his need to control come into conflict, and both parties make allowances and negotiate compromises.  This was the most pleasantly surprising part of the trilogy, as it violates the framework of most romance novels.  Even though I still think they're a codependent mess, they continue to grow and change and work together.  

Having said all that, I still can't seriously recommend the trilogy to anyone.  It's poorly written, with lots of inner dialogue where Anastasia deals with what she calls her 'inner goddess' whenever Christian  blinks at her, and she spends a great deal of time reacting to whatever he does, good and bad.  (Another  review referred to her biting her lip and blushing a lot.)  The author seems to have some difficulty  referring to female body parts, which is problematic if you want to write erotica.  Anastasia frequently  refers to being touched or kissed "Oh my god...THERE." James also relies heavily on using e-mail and text  messaging as a means of telling the story, which is cute at first, and likely reflects the changing ways  in which couples communicate, but is difficult to follow when reading it on the page.

I don't think it's a closeted critique of feminism, like many commentators think.  If anything, Anastasia  could very well be a feminist hero.  She meets the man she loves (as unrealistic as that is; it IS fiction)  and stands her ground as far as what her needs are.  A damn sight better than most romance heroines.

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Fan the Flames: Why You Should Vote

First, I wanted to announce that I now have a name for this little column here:  "Fan the Flames."  Obviously, it had to be something related to the Internet (and occasionally real life) nick name.  It is also the name of a feminist bookstore in Columbus that I only went to once before it closed, but was pretty cool.  Since I'm the lone woman here so far, and a feminist (who clearly needs to educate a few of you on just what that means), I thought it fairly appropriate.

But the definition of feminism will have to wait.  For those of you in the United States, there's this little election thing happening on November 6.  And, as usual, the typical complaints about our process surface.  I am always amused by them, as they're easily dispatched with, with just a little common sense.

Probably the biggest one is "I don't know anything about the issues or people."  As the Internet has grown, this reason becomes less and less plausible.  Right now, I can go to congress.gov and find my representatives and senators and see what they have been up to.  What bills have they written or sponsored? Have they voted yes or no?  Don't know your representative or senator?  There's a handy thing to look that up.  The same thing exists for the Ohio General Assembly as well, and probably the one in your state.

"I don't have time to surf the Internet", you say. "Please," I say.  You're spending time reading an Internet blog, and I see many of you posting on a few message boards I could name.  We have time if we make time for what is important.  And voting is important.

I am fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on the day) to live in the Swing States Of All Swing States, Ohio, which means we have a whole bunch of appearances and advertisements for each of the presidential candidates.  "But the ads are misleading" you say.  "Factcheck and Politifact" I say.  They analyze campaign speeches, debates, and advertisements, so you know what's true, what isn't, and in the mean time, get a healthy education as to what they are even talking about.

Most Boards of Election have sample ballots on their websites with names, issues, and sometimes even the pros and cons of various issues.  The local paper will have a voter's guide in it, as well.  Merely watching the evening news and reading a paper or news magazine once in a while will give you plenty of information about where we are going and how we are got there.  Is it perfect?  No.  But consider this.

There's no way for anyone to know everything about the candidates or issues.

Take the Middle East.  (Someone, please.)  We all have opinions as to what should be or could be done there.  The simple truth though is that NO ONE knows all the information.  People that live there have their view.  Scholars and policy experts have theirs.  The President gets information that no one else is privy to, so knows more than Romney, but still not all.  Our information about candidates, issues, and anything else will ALWAYS be imperfect.  If everyone waited until they knew ALL THE FACTS, then no one would ever vote, because no one would ever have them.

As I was writing this, I got an interesting point from the Facebook post of my friend, Ian Corrigan, in discussing why he votes by party, not by person.  He says "I believe that it is a mistake to try to vote for the person, not the party, especially in statewide and national elections. First there is no way to use the existing data to form an accurate impression of the 'character' of the candidates. Secondly the character of the candidate will have little to nothing to do with what measures they propose and support."

When you look at the circus of media consultants and stylists the national campaigns employ, you will find that we have no idea who these people are.  We know the version that their handlers in the party have packaged them to be to enhance their likeability or whatever other characteristics they think will get them votes.  We don't know them.  At all.  We don't know their character at all, either.

Even though some may criticize single-issue voters, or those who vote party lines, or because a candidate shares some characteristic of theirs, are not really making the uneducated guesses we think they are.  If I vote for someone just because they are female (which, incidentally, I have never done), I am assuming that she and I at least share a few issues in common.  And social research would show I'd be right, or at least more right than if I chose someone at random.  If I'm a fan of Jesus, traditional marriage, and think I pay too much in my taxes, I'd probably be okay voting a straight Republican ticket, even if there are a few of the folks on there with whom I'd disagree on a couple of things.  If I'm a big fan of keeping abortions legal, voting for Democrats would be fine, even though there are pro-choice candidates on the Republican side.  It's not perfect, but nothing is.

"Both parties are the same, there's no real choice, and I refuse to choose the lesser of two evils."

That does increase the likelihood that the greater evil wins, however you define that.  Fortunately, there actually is a often a choice that doesn't involve Republicans or Democrats:  You can write a candidate in.  Or, if one is available, you can vote for a third party candidate.  For the presidential election, that does effectively count as a "none of the above," given the stranglehold the parties have on the FEC.  However, it's not without effect.  Parties notice, and end up incorporating the values of the third parties into their platforms.  So over time, the two major party platforms change.  It does take a while though.

But ignore the presidency.  No, really.  Do.  He doesn't represent the people.  Don't believe me? Read Article II of The Constitution.  He's the CEO, whose job it is to make sure the laws passed by the legislature (which is, incidentally, the very FIRST thing in the Constitution) are enforced and followed.  It does mean he has to decide how much money gets placed towards those things, and he can put forward his own agenda for what should be included.  But he's not the one really deciding what our money gets spent on.  No, that is the job of the now 535 Members of Congress.  The ones we DO elect directly.  THOSE are the ones you should be paying attention to.

(That's one of the reasons why don't elect him directly anyway.  At some point maybe I'll do a thing on the electoral college, but it won't be for a bit, this has a good summary

Thus, if you are not happy with the choices offered, you can skip the presidential race as a further "none of the above" option, and vote for US Senate and House.  (Check your local election laws though, to make sure that skipping choices doesn't invalidate your ballot.  And good grief get that repealed!)  Third parties can and have been elected to both Houses, and have made their impacts felt there.

You know what impacts your pocket book way more than the federal government does?  State, municipal, and local elections.  They are right there in your community.  That freeway expansion project that annoys your commute every morning?  Those children who are graduating without knowing how to read?  That's all tied to your local elections.  And some of that comes in spring primaries and in off-term general elections.

Now, look out our voter turnout rates.  It varies by state, but just scrolling down the Excel file, the voting eligible population (VEP) turn out rates are abysmal in a society that values participatory democracy as much as we claim we do.  In the 2010 Midterm elections, it was 37.8 percent.  The 2008 presidential election it was 56.9 percent.  Not even two-thirds of the population could bother to show up for an election that was probably the most historic ever?  Imagine if we had that, or 80 percent, or even 90?  Would the election have turned out differently?  How will we know?  Forty-four percent of the population gave up their right to have their voice heard.  What might that have meant to your state assembly, or your local school district?

My cousin has worked in for one the Ohio Democratic Party for as long as I can remember.  In the election of Kennedy in 1960, she recalls that while Kennedy won the state, it was precinct by precinct.  He won by single digits, sometimes by ONE VOTE in each precinct.  That eventually added up.

Your vote matters.  It matters nationally, as each single vote adds up to a whole bunch of votes.  And it definitely matters locally.  Do you want 20 percent of your city deciding where to put an casino?  Remind me to tell you how that works out.

To stay home surrenders the ONE thing that Americans have historically had the ability to do since the beginning. At least the white males with land.  But eventually that right did get extended to all, however not without a cost.

This is a photo of  Helena Hill Weed.  She stood outside the White House in the winter of 1917, and got arrested for something called "obstruction of traffic" to insist that women be given the right to vote.  While in jail, she and her colleagues, American Citizens ,were beaten when they refused to plead guilty, declaring themselves political prisoners.  Some went on hunger strikes and were force fed, and were submitted to psychological testing to be declared mentally ill.

Black men had technically had the vote since they were freed, and black women since the passage of the XIX Amendment.  But many laws and practices kept them from doing so.  In the early 1960s, blacks protested along side whites.  Within 10 weeks of the "Freedom Summer" project of 1963, "four civil rights workers were killed, three Mississippi blacks were murdered because of their support, four people critically wounded, eighty Freedom Summer workers were beaten, 162 people were arrested, 37 churches were bombed or burned, and 30 black homes or businesses were bombed or burned" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_Summer).

Suddenly "I don't want to have to get up early or stand in line" doesn't seem like such a good reason, does it?

To stay home negates the struggles of all those Americans who fought and sometimes died for the right to vote in this country.

It negates the sacrifices of OUR armed forces who fought and DIED so citizens of OTHER countries could secure their OWN right to vote.  Like these.

If still photos don't do it for you, rent and watch "Iron Jawed Angels" about the women's suffragette movement or "Mississippi Burning" about Freedom Summer.  They weren't too busy, or tired, or too whatever to stay home and NOT get arrested and beaten and burned and killed just for demanding this right. Watch video of Iraqi citizens risking suicide bombers just for the opportunity to hold up a purple stained finger in their first real election ever. They weren't too tired, or too busy, or too whatever to risk their lives for the opportunity to vote.

Yes. I feel strongly about this.

If that doesn't work, then how about you go vote to cancel mine out.  I dare you.

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2Hot's iMPACT Recap - Sept 13, 2012

iMPACT Recap Sept 20, 2012

iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!

Hey Fuckers!

It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now MY Music!!!

-Remember how last week Tara backstabbed the champ, James Storm lost it on a former champ, Ed Hardy confronted a current champ, and Joseph Park was also there?  Oh yeah and the Raiders beat the Steelers so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

-Now that we’re all caught up, let’s take this recap like it’s Rothlesburger’s date, shall we?

-Back stage, Hogan is walking through some kind of dark hallway when he comes upon the worlds most giantest black man!  It’s SHAQ!  And apparently he has hulksters back against the Aces and Eights.  In other news, Kobe Bryant is also a rapist.

-OMGITSOPENFIGHTNIGHTAGAIN!!!!  We’re kicking things off with the Elder Phenom, AJ Styles and Kurt Angle holding hands and skipping to the ring, presumably to challenge someone.  Kurt is kind enough to spend two hours recapping the tag division for the duration of 2012.  At the end of his rant he decides to call out the Tex Mex LAX because we need to know who the true number one contenders are.  The four put on a hard hitting match with Taz spending most of the match talking about how great the Kurt and Eddie matches used to be like it has anything to do with what’s happening in the ring.  The match was full of hesitation and awkwardness until finally 2/3rds of the KKK are out to stop the pain.  This match included Eddie, I mean Chavo, getting booed for hitting Eddie’s moves so I’m now conflicted about how I feel about the audience.  Anyway, Hogan came out and announced that they all will be in a match at Bound for Glory because I guess we pre book pay per views now.  Mrrrchrvtherrnert furrve steurres!

-Backstage Al Snow is on his way to a meeting about Joey Ryan and no, I don’t care either.

-Gut Check this week features an 18 year old kid, which makes him old enough to be Ric Flairs illegitimate great grandchild, Woooooo! 

-Hulk Hogan is backstage on the phone with Joseph Park, who is stuck in traffic but has the evidence in hand.  I’m guessing he doesn’t make it...

-It’s GUT CHECK TIME!  In the ring, Evan Markoutulous takes on Surprisingly Still Employed Dougie Williams.  The kid gets very little offense in this match and it is about as exciting as you would expect.  I wonder if TNA realises that constantly putting amatures on television makes them look like amatures. It is still the Gut Check match of the night mind you, and gets five Findlay stars for a dougie beatdown.

-Nothing entertains a crowd full of cross-eyes like a cowboy so James Storm is here!  He comes to the ring and asks if he can be serious for a minute...  Then he calls out Bobby Roode for a “Man Kicking a Coward’s Ass” match.  I’m not sure but I think that might be no DQ.  Roode comes out in a suit, calls the crowd a bunch of morons and says he’s not fighting.  I’m not sure what Storm expected after spending so much time establishing that Roode was a coward.  The buzzkill Hulk Hogan decides that they have to fight so it’s on like something resembling a classy gorilla.  The two start brawling all over the iMPACT zONE.  Spoiler alert!!  This is the same match they are going to have at Bound for Glory.  They go back and forth smashing each other in to every hard surface they can find. The two fight around the ring for some time and every time they get close to this particularly classy blond bimbo at ring side she screams FUCK YOU CANADA in to Bobby Roode’s face.  She makes a strong case for bringing back the rule of thumb.  Anyway, Referee Brian Hebner can’t seem to get control of this match so at about the three hour mark, he calls for the bell to be rung and the match to stop.  It doesn’t of course and the two pull out a little thing I like to call “Brawl to the back” (Calm down, Cam).  In spite of the no contest finish, this was a tremendous match full of fun spots.  It’s so far in the lead for match of the night, I don’t see how I could give it any less than five stars.

-Back stage Hogan has a phone conversation that doesn’t make any sense but seems to revolve around Aces and Eights.

-Backstage Triple A Austin Aries tracks down Ed Hardy and interrupts his black out to let him know that he wants what Hardy has.  Hardy looks confused then writes down a phone number on a sticky note and hands it to Aries.  He says that this guy will hook him up.  Aries walks away befuddled.

-It’s the Knockouts Time of the Month because Terrible Tara is stomping out to the ring to rant about what a bunch of morons the TNA audience are, and about how the champ used her to get to the top.  Then she decides that since it is open fight night, she’s going to call out Slow Pan Christy Hemme!  Tara gets in Hemme’s face for a bit before the champ comes out and chases her off. Later, She-Hulk tracks Tara down and lets her know that there will be consequences for this as if anyone gives a shit.

-Hulk Hogan is coming to the ring!! I bet he’s here to keep the Aces and Eights storyline from advancing.  It’s hard to tell what he’s babbling about although it is amusing that he does continually say “Joseph Parks”  A video comes on where the an ace or eight destroys Park’s computer while another hits Park in the head.  I guess this gets us closer to answers?

-When we come back from commercial, in the ring, the World’s Tiniest Champ IS HEEEEERE! He’s focused on defeating Ed Hardy at Bound for Glory so obviously he calls out Whatshisname.  The two banter back and forth about who’s the better man and Aries finally gets tired of talking and hits a twisting plancha to remind us that IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!!  The two smash the heck out of each other for some time with Whatshisname controlling most of the action.  Aries managed a comeback late in the match and hits a few sweet highspot sequences before  Whatshisname takes over again.  Aries locked in the LastChancery at one point but Ancient Earl Hebner had earlier been blasted in to next week.  The break allows Whatshisname to blast Aries with the Wallet Chain of Ridiculous Booking just in time for the Hebs to come to his senses and count the three.  Jobbing your champ out to someone other than his pay per view opponent because you want him to look as weak as possible is what I call “The TNA Finish”  Ed Hardy then runs down to the ring to chase off Whatshisname and raise the title belt over his head because he is obviously the future of this business.

Anyway...

That happened.

You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com 

See you next week!

Your Pal, 2HoT.

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2Hot's iMPACT Recap August 23, 2012

iMPACT Recap August 23, 2012

iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!

Hey Fuckers!

It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now with 50% Less Racism! So cue MY Music!!!


-Remember how last week there was a bunch of nonsense talking segments interspersed with a lot of pointless matches that were either meaningless or undid any sort of previous progress the company had made?  Remember how Aces and Eights keep promising to make this huge umm, impact, but then decide they’re too fat and lazy to put in any more effort than a few laughably menacing backstage video packages?  Remember when Bully Ray was in a program with Joseph Park?  You don’t?  Well count yourself among the lucky ones...


-Tonight!!  It’s Open Fight Night!  AGAIN!!  (Jeez, didn’t you think they would have forgotten about this thing by now?)  TONIGHT!!  Gut Check Returns!  TONIGHT!!  Sting STILL wants a piece of Aces & Eights!!


-THIS IS STING!!!  Is headed to the ring.  He’s being followed by the entire TNA locker room.  He’s here to let everyone know that he’s told security to leave the gates wide open for Aces & Eights because apparently security had been doing such a great job of keeping them out before.  Shockingly, he wants to fight the Aces & Eights.  And so does the rookie, James Storm.  But since they paid so much for his entrance music, he has to come out on his own.  He says the same stuff that Sting just said but with much more drawl.  Ridiculously, two members of the Aces & Eights show up, are allowed in to the ring, and get beaten down.  When interrogated, one of them thanked Sting for getting him “Patched In”  He then lets Sting know that they’re all in for a long, painful night.  I have a feeling so am I.


- In the zONE, some hooker has decided to flounce her way down the entrance ramp.  Hold the phone! I guess it’s KNOCKOUTS TIME because that’s no hooker, that’s Brandon Tessmacher!!  Unfortunately she has a microphone.  Because everyone knows the only thing worse than watching a knockout wrestle is listening to a knockout talk.  Since she doesn’t have a feud, she’s decided to turn on her best friend and so she calls out Tara.  Fortunately Taryn Terell is here to officiate.  Unfortunately she’s wearing a much tighter top.  The two put on a mutual respect clinic in this one.  The two give exactly what you’d expect from a woman’s match, except with extra awkwardness and blown spots.  I’m curious who’s idea it was to take a really great division of talent and give the worst one the belt.  I don’t understand the logic there.  Anyway, Tara hits a top rope superplex and pins the champ.  Luckily for Bradley, the match was non-title.  And it was easily the Knockouts match of the night.  I don’t see how they’re going to top this one, honestly.  5 forgettable stars.


-Backstage, Sting is standing around backstage with AJ, BVD, and the Robbies.  He says he has good news and bad news.  First, he’s learned that Di Angelo De Negro, was so badly injured in the Aces & Eights attack, that he’s going to be out of action for a couple of months.  So this means that the other three are going to have to face off in a triple threat match NEXT!!  So...what was the good news exactly?


-In the ring we have a Bound for Glory Triple Threat match because nothing says Open Fight Night like haphazard booking.  It’s American Jigalo Styles, taking on Bob Van Damn, and Robbie EEEE.  This ought to be good.  Oh, and even more good news!  Later we’re going to find out the results of Klaire Lynch’s paternity test! #vomit.  There was lots of three way action in this one.  AJ and BVD did their best to ignore Robbie EEEE.  This was actually a pretty decent little 5 minute match.  Unfortunately it was a 15 minute match.  The ending came when BVD hit the 5StarFrogSplash on Styles and inexplicably Robbie EEEE jumps in and stacks up Van Damn for the three count.  This was the epitome of pointlessness and as such is the Match of the Night!  5 head-shaking stars.


-Aces & Eights were sure right about this being a long, painful night.  Luckily the Inebriated Enigma is here to babble his way through a half-assed explanation for wanting to Robbie TEEE.  You know what I think of when I think about booking a truly great TNA show?  I’ll tell ya, Robbie TEEE Vs Ed Hardy!  This match went about how you’d expect except longer.  Big man dominated the early action, face in peril hulked up and fought his way back in to the match.  Kick Wham Twist of Fate, Swanton, Match of the night.  5 formulaic stars.


- And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for...  Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring and he’s welcoming American Jigalo Styles to come out and hear the results of his test.  But first, he has a mic, and he wants to apologize for subjecting us to such a shitty storyline for so long.  Speaking of long shitty storylines, let’s drag this out a little longer and bring out two thirds of the KKK to come berate AJ, and America, about being bad fathers. While they’re rambling, a lawyer, who is neither renowned or from Chicago, comes out to read a statement from Lynch.  She says that the whole thing was a scam perpetrated by Kaz and Kristopher, and she was never actually pregnant.  So... SURPRISE!  #killmenow


-Backstage, Sting gets cornered by some Aces & Eights finally and Hulk Hogan sneaks up behind them and clubs them all to the ground with a bat.  He’s sporting the blond handlebar with the black stubble so I guess that means that Hollywood is old school.  Are you as excited as I am, Chris!?!?!?!


-Thank goodness it’s Gut Check Time!!  This month, it’s Chris Louie!!  And as if that wasn’t cool enough, he gets to fight Gunner!!  Remember how Reks and Hawkins fought those two superjobbers on Smackdown last week?  Now imagine that was a singles match.  Anyway, the kid sucks and Gunner killed him I think.  Either way, there’s no chance this guy’s keeping a job.  And Chris Louie sucks too.  Gut Check Match of the MONTH!  5 squashy stars.


-In the parking lot, ODB is leaving a message for EY, wondering where the hell he is and why he won’t come back.  Plus she grabs her genitals a lot.


-In the ring, Mr Kenderson Kenderson is here.  He just might challenge someone.  Right now the only thing being challenged is my ability to finish this recap.  Turns out he’s not here to challenge, but he is here to fight, Every Segment Whatshisname.  Well, it’s pointless but at least it has the potential to be decent.  It starts out at a measured, yet stiff pace, with lots of hard hitting action.  Whatshisname dominates the lion’s share of the match.  While the match goes on, we find out that other members of the iMPACT roster are backstage beating down Aces & Eights.  Kenderson manages to get back in to things and the action picked up all the way to the finale where Kenderson reverses a BKO in to a Mic Check for the three.  This was a really good match and really has no competition for the match of the night tonight.  5 sincere stars.


-The final three hours of the show were basically one big brawl that was virtually impossible to recap as the TNA roster did battle with the Aces & Eights.  I’d like to say there were some cool spots here but it was pretty much a clusterfuck with no resolution and the bad guys (?) eventually getting run off.  I think that was supposed to be a cliff hanger but it came off more like a rope hanger.


Anyway...

That happened.

You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com

See you next week.

Your Pal

2HoT

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2Hot's hARD cORE jUSTICE Recap August 12, 2012

hARD cORE jUSTICE Recap August 12, 2012
hARD cORE jUSTICE is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR hARD cORE jUSTICE RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!

TONIGHT!!  The World Championship of the World will be up for grabs as Triple A Austin Aries takes on Ravishing Bobby Roode in a “Shoehorned Stipulation” Match.  Tonight!!  We have THREE HARDCORE MATCHES and nary a storyline between them! Its Tables, Ladders, and Fallscountanywhere’s!  Oh MY!!  Tonight!! Barry Tesmacher defends her Knockouts Title against Madison “The Graverobber” Rayne, with special guest referee, actual referee Ancient Earl Hebner!  TONIGHT!!  There will probably be some other stuff they never told us about!!

-As is the fashion at every TNA ppv, we kick off the night with a completely unannounced match.  This completely unannounced match features the newly formed tag team of Kid Kash and Gunner, because nobody else wanted to work with them.  They take on the newly reformed LAX, this time with 50% more Gurerio.  As LAX walk to the ring, Taz and Tenay gush about what a “Natural Tag Team” the two make.  Just look at how brown they are!  (They didn’t actually say that part but it was obviously implied.)  Tenay actually calls them the Tex/Mex connection because they are from the Mexican part of Texas I guess.  What do I know, I’m from Canada.  You all look the same to me.  Bad guys jump LAX from behind, dump Supermex to the outside and proceed to go to work on Goryero.   This doesn’t last long and the first offense Eddie, I mean Chavito hits is the Three Amigos then tries to go for the Frog Splash.  The heels manage to take over and control the action for the next 20 minutes, letting Goriero do his best Road Dog.  Eventually tho, Supermex does get tagged in, allowing him to take out the trash.  When Supermex went for his suicide dive to the outside on Gunner, he tagged Gurrierio in mid air.  Once tagged, Eddie, I mean Chavo hit the Frog Splash for the win.  Great stuff in this one.  It could be match of the night, but I hope it isn’t.  But what the hell, let’s give it 5 stars.

-Up next is our Falls Count Anywhere Bound For Glory Fatal Four Way Hardcore match.  It features Bob Van Damn, The Pimp – Di Angelo De Negro, BUT WAIT!! De Negro doesn’t come out when his music is hit!!  Where could he be?!?!?!  Oh Yeah, Aces and Eights are backstage lynching him.  So hey, I guess this is now our Falls Count Anywhere Bound For Glory Three Way Dance Hardcore match.  It features Bob Van Damn, Totally Straight Magnus, and MMMMISSSSTERRRRR KENNNDERRRRRRSONNN! Kendersonnnn...  According to Tenay, only having three people in the match instead of four, lessens the chances of each winning.  Makes sense.  Barely two minutes in to the match we’re subjected to an accidental close up of BVD’s ass crack sweat.  Thanks for that.  I don’t know what the hell happened to RVD besides age but his matches are just the worst.  Any time he was involved in this match, it was plodding and hesitant and brutal.  Thankfully he spent more time laying on the ground than not and the work between Kenderson and TSM was pretty decent.  So obviously as you’d expect, BVD hit his worst ever Vandamninator on the entrance stage and got the 20 point pin fall victory.  My hope is fading but everything except BVD has made this the Match of the Night (so far). 5 baffling stars!

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to let us know that security has swept the building because TNA can’t afford to hire janitors I guess.  Oh yeah and they didn’t find anyone wearing ski masks and viciously beating black men.  But while we’re here, let’s chat with some hooker.  Oh wait, that’s no hooker, it’s Madison Rayne dressed like a hooker!  She’s here to let us know that she is a multiple time singles and tag Knockouts champ so she doesn’t need any help to beat the champ.  But if Ancient Earl Hebner DOES want to help, she’ll probably blow him (a kiss) later.

- In the ring, because we want to make sure RBD still has a belt to never defend on iMPACT, he gets to face Kazarian for the television championship.  Kaz is already one half of the world tag team champions of the world as one third of the KKK with Kristopher Daniels and Klaire “the Krackwhore” Lynch.  Her last name is Lynch?  That’s fun!  Bell rings and its on!  RBD goes straight to the offense in that typical brawling style that got him where he is today.  At one point the sound cut out on the feed but it actually increased my enjoyment.  Tenay brings up the point that RBD has had the Television championship for months!  The Professor has apparently failed to notice that Devon has also not defended the title in months.  Late in the match, RBD hit Kaz with a Spear so hard I think he left some black on him.  Then he almost pulled Kaz’s head off with a second rope neckbreaker of some sort. Kaz manages to mount a bit of a comeback and gets RBD set up in whatever the name of his ridiculous finisher is, when it gets reversed, allowing him to nail a Dominator, and get the three count.  Anyway, that was an outstanding pier 6 brawl that could have been the match of the night. 5 Damn stars.

-A long video recap reminds us what a horrific shit show the Knockouts division has become.  It also reminds us that Madison Rayne gets a title shot against Barry Tessmacher, with Ancient Earl Hebner scheduled to referee.

-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME!  Maddy is looking particularly lovely this evening rocking the pink and black, and of course Bart is again dressed like a slutty Captain America.  Lots of hot knockouts action in this one with Maddy dominating most of the action.  She seems out to prove that she doesn’t need the help of Earl to help her win the belt.  Several near falls seem to rattle the challenger, leading her to start getting upset with the referee in her pocket.  In her frustration, Barak is able to take advantage and start mounting a comeback.  The ending of the match comes when Madison is able to roll Benny up and use the ropes for extra leverage.  Ancient Earl Hebner didn’t manage to notice the ring ropes so we have a NEW KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION!!  This was a really good match with a lot fewer blown spots than you might expect.  5 suspect stars.

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Every Segment Whatshisname.  Whatshisname says that he’s not scared of anybody but he is scared of many anybodys because one against more than one is just math and math hurts! Also, he’s forgotten who he is again but he did remember he has a hardcore match NEXT!!

-It’s time for the Bound for Glory Fatal Four Way Hardcore Tables Match featuring Robbie EEEE, Every Segment Whathisname, Ed Hardy, and the young phenonm Cowboy James Storm.  A fun spot kicks things off as everyone plays slap the shit out of Robbie EEE.  Things got confusing when Storm and Hardy suplexed Whatshisname and Robbie was supposed to move the table but he didn’t get it far enough out of the way and Whatshishame clipped the corner.  Hardy, being the drunk that he is of course broke character and started flipping out at Robbie till Storm shut him up and the refs made sure to get them continuing the match.  Apparently even tho they broke the table, they didn’t put Whatshisname THROUGH the table.  So as I am sure you are inferring, this match was about as clusterfucky as you could imagine including Robbie putting himself through a table and mercifully removing himself from the action.   Aces and Eights come out and put an inconsequential beatdown on Whatshisname while giving the thumbs up to James Storm.  Ending comes when Hardy eats a Sweetchinmusic out of nowhere and whatshisname is able to immediately toss the rookie from the ring and powerbomb Hardy through the table to get twenty points and put this abomination out of its misery.  It may have been awful but it was still the tables match of the night.  Five splintered stars!

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is again backstage, and this time he is with the Champ, Triple A Austin Aries.  Aries says he’s going to win his title match tonight because he’s better than Bobby Roode.  Alrighty then.

- Hows about we BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS!!  Tonight we get to see Zema the Paralyzer Ion defend his title against Kenny “Not Rodney” King.  I don’t like the champ’s chances in this one against the much darker man.  This was a flippity shit clinic!  Lots of high risk maneuvers in this one. I think there were more blown spots in this match than in the Knockouts match.  The ending came when the two did this corner reversal spot thing that I don’t think was actually blow but rather, just looked crappy.  Long story short, it resulted in King getting dropped on his face, rolled over and pinned for 3.  Without a word of bullshit this was (not) your MATCH OF THE NIGHT! Negative 5 Stars!

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is still backstage interviewing the only participant in the 4 way Ladder match who can’t talk, Samoa Joe, and as expected, he doesn’t say much.

-It’s Bound for Glory Fatal Four Way Ladder Match Time!!  This time we get American Jigalo Styles, One Third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels, Kurt Angle, and Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe.  The match kicked off more or less like the last four way did with Kristopher Daniels playing the role of Robbie E.  It seemed at first like nobody really wanted to fight in this match but eventually it got off the ground and became more or less every other four way ladder match we’ve ever seen.  I’m not quite sure why but Kurt Angle was WAY more over than anyone else in this match, which is especially odd considering the most interesting thing he’s done on tv this year was a Funny or Die video, but I digress.  This was definitely the Admiral Crispy of ladder matches.  It was sort of good like the other brand, but it just wasn’t quite there, and it still tore the hell out of your mouth for no reason.  There was a pretty fun spot when AJ had been dumped off the ladder to the outside, and the other three were left in the ring, Samoan Joe and Kurt Angle decided to trade suplexes on Kristopher Daniels.  They hit 3 each then stuck daniels through a ladder and traded soccer kicks to the gut.  Good times.  The ending came when, with two ladders set up, Samoan Joe and Angle battled at the top of the ladder when AJ jumped from the turn buckle across that tiny ring, landed on the other ladder, ran up and scooped the victory from the other men.  This was a pretty fun great match.  It so far has no competition for Match of the Night. 5 certain stars.

-Since it’s almost that time, Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Ravishing Bobby Roode.  Roode is here to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs, to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man deals with a FLUUKE!  He assures BJB that since he carries this company on his back so he’s pretty much guaranteeing that he’s going to beat that fluke tonight and bring the gold BACK TO CANADA!!  (I may have added in that last part...) FLUUUUUKE!

-ITS MAIN EVENT TIME!!  World Heavyweight Championship match between Triple A Austin Aries and Ravishing Bobby Roode.  (Side note, I just noticed a guy in the crowd wearing a “Yes shirt that looks like he may have eaten Daniel Bryan.) As expected there was lots of back and forth action in this one and lots of posturing and psychology early from both combatants.  The match is pretty even and balanced.  They even trade Bowden Crossfaces at one point.  At one point we get a ref bump that leads to another ref joining the action.  This sets up the ending where two refs counted the three, each for another participant.  This of course brought out Senior official Ancient Earl Hebner to dusty the place and restart the match.  The next few minutes were a stampede of near falls that culminated with Aries actually winning with a roll up.  Everything up to that point was outstanding however, and this was far and away the match of the night!  5 Screwy Stars!!
 
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT

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2Hot's iMPACT Recap August 16, 2012

iMPACT Recap August 16, 2012
iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music AGAIIIINNNN!

-Remember how hARDCORE jUSTICE just happened recently and it was more or less TNA back to their old antics of having matches that weren’t announced, giving nonsensically strong pushes to people who don’t deserve it, Having stunningly poor in-ring performances and even busting out the Dusty finish?  No?  You don’t?  I fucking JUST told you about it!  What the hell is the matter with you people?!?!

-Since I’m here anyway, we might as well get back to the wrasslin I guess....  TONIGHT!  The Bound for Glory series SHOCKINGLY RESUMES!  This time American Jigalo Styles takes on one third of the KKK for the milestone 5000th time!  Tonight!  Totally Straight Magnus gets  to put his hands on Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe to see if he can get a rise in the rankings if you know what I mean...  Tonight!  Every Segment Whatshisname will take on The Inebriated Enigma Ed Hardy in the MAIN EVENT, provided Hardy doesn’t pass out in the next hour and a half.  TONIGHT!!!

-In the ring, The Champ is HERE.  Triple A Austin Aries is out to tell us all to take the E off of fluke and go Fluck ourselves.  Are American schools really that bad?  Fluck isn’t even a word!  And besides, this is odd behaviour from our apparent face champion don’t you think?  Luckily Ed Hardy is here to stumble his way to the ring and slur his way through letting us know that he doesn’t know what’s going on around here (shocker) but he knows that he needs to fight a BUNCH of guys, like Aces and Eights.  Instead of a bunch of guys however, He gets one really fat guy as this segment needed more Whatshisname I guess.  Whatshisname comes out and talks for 4 hours about how Storm is behind the attacks, and he’s going to win the Bound for Glory and he’s going to get the world title and blahdeblahdeblah.  Aries then gets back on the mic and we get to hear Oh Poor Me (I’m an Underdog) off of his greatest hits album, when Aces and Eights get on the screen to tell us that This time they really are going to show up and make a major umm impact, not like all those other times they said that and then didn’t do much of anything.  I, for one am on the edge of my seat in anticipation!!

-Back stage, Totally Straight Magnus is being interviewed about his match later with Samoan Joe.  He thinks he has a good shot at topping the submission machine.  He says that since the two were tag partners, he knows not just Joe the wrestler, he knows Joe the man.  Inside and out if you know what I mean...

-Let’s get right to that match shall we?  Joe makes his way to the ring to await the incoming Magnus.  Fast paced action as the match gets underway.  The two roll all over each other, each trying to tie the other down for a submission.  Magus is on top for most of the match as he imposes his will on the Samoan.  Suddenly out of nowhere, Joe reverses some sort of something in to a roll up and finishes early!  Joe Wins!  This was a decent if short match that has to be in the running for match of the night.  5 spurious stars!

-After the match, TSM is upset that he was left so unsatisfied so while Joe was making excuses for leaving, Magnus nailed him with a steel chair!  If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think that they were starting to set up a post bound for glory feud for these two.  But then I remember this is TNA so it probably means nothing.

-Backstage some hooker is blabbing on about not getting enough respect but now she’s the champ and people are going to respect her.   Why would a hooker be talking abo... Oh that’s Graverobber Madison Rayne!  She didn’t really have much interesting to say before some curtain jerker came to tell her that the She Hulk wants to see her in the ring.  Which means we have to see the She Hulk in the ring.  Fantastic!!

-Maddy comes out to the ring first, thinking she’s there for a championship celebration.  She says she hopes Brook brings the cake.  Joke’s on YOU Maddy.  Brook ate all the cake.  Brook comes  out to let us know that the woman who’s name she stole gets a rematch tonight and there will be a special guest she-referee.  Then Madison shot on her for ten minutes about how the Hogans are ruining the wrestling business.  The She Hulk decides she can’t handle the truth so she takes off after Madison, who narrowly escapes.  Once she finally lumbers to the ring, Aces and Eights show up and scare her?  I guess.  Anyway, a bunch of locker room flunkies come out and chase them off.  This leads to Sting hitting the ring to issue an open challenge for Open Fight Night next week.  Our guys against Your guys!  Wanna bet the Aces and Eights don’t show up?  What do you think, we advance storylines around here?

-So business is about to pick up because AJ Styles just added a stip to his match tonight.  If he loses, that means he IS the father of Klaire’s baby.  If he wins, then he gets to get a paternity test to confirm that he’s the father of Klaire’s baby.  He’s in the ring to take on one third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels.  This match, being the 5000th was pretty much the same as every other match between these two.  It’s a case of “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” truly.  And by that I mean this match was magnificent.  The ending comes when AJ nails Kristopher with a Pele Kick, gets the three, and then nails a Styles Clash for good measure.  This was easily the match of the night for sure.  5 highlight reel stars.

- Hulk Hogan is going to go Old School next week, which I guess means he’s going to bring back Vince Russo to hammer those last few nails.

-Young Phenom James Storm has decided that he needs to be at ringside for the Whatshishname/Hardy match.  Partly because of Aces and Eights, and partly because he hasn’t been on the show yet tonight.

-Ravishing Bobby Roode is here! And he wants to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man cuts a post Dusty Finish promo.  The crowd starts chanting “Loser” at him.  Takes one to know one I guess...  Roode is steamed because he doesn’t get another rematch.  He wants us all to know whats next for him but he drops the mic and walks away. -Young Phenom James Storm has decided that he needs to be at ringside for the Whatshishname/Hardy match.  Partly because of Aces and Eights, and partly because he hasn’t been on the show yet tonight.

-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME.  It’s your Hardcore Justice Title Match Rematch featuring Graverobber Madison Rayne taking on Barrett Tessmacher.  Once the two make it to the ring, Brook Hogan comes out to introduce the new special guest referee!  OMG TAZ!  What’s TARYN TERRELL doing in the iMPACT Zone?!?  I guess she’s here to ref? I didn’t know she’d turned 30? Fun bit, when Brook was introducing Taryn, she basically fell off the entrance ramp trying to get out of the way.  Way to Shockmaster it up there, She-Hulk.  I’m going to go ahead and guess this was a good match, I don’t really know.  I spent the entire time staring at Taryn.  I’m sure no one will care if I just give this Match of the Night.  While I’m at it I’ll add 5 beautiful stars.  Oh yeah, Brian got her title back for no fucking reason as well.

-Thank goodness it’s Main Event Time!  The Wayback Machine has dropped us off in 2002 for a match between Ed Hardy and Whatshisname.  This was a pretty solid brawl.  It went back and forth and James Storm more or less decided to let the veterans do their thing without getting involved.  Of course Aces and Eights come out, distract Bully, allowing Hardy to get the victory.  Mhhufdhnight5starswhatever.  Everyone comes out to chase off the thugs, and once they leave, Storm is unharmed so Whatshisname is obviously livid.  He finally takes off and that is just when Whaaaaaaaa???  Aces and Eights return and lay a savage beating on Storm!

How will this all play out next week on open fight night?!?!  Badly I bet.

Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT

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Northern Reflections – What Colour Is Music?

So here’s the thing. My wife was telling me a story tonight about a woman we know who got in a car accident with a black guy. When she was done telling the story, I had to ask why the fact that the guy was black was relevant. She admitted that she had misspoken and that it wasn’t. It brought a bunch of thoughts on the topic to the surface.

For a while now, it’s irked me that a comic book writer I’m very fond of is constantly promoting Asian-American writers and artists. Apparently, I should be supporting them because they’re Asian-American, not because they’re talented. Or maybe I shouldn’t support them because I’m not Asian-American. Oh, and he’s (either North or South) Korean. Or Korean-American. Or American-Korean. You know what? He’s smart and funny and talented and engaging. That’s what he is. That’s what matters.

When I was a kid, I remember the class being asked in school “what” we were. Where were our ancestors from? Even then, it bugged me. I was born in Canada. My parents were born in Canada. Their parents were born in Canada. Their parents were born in Canada. Why can’t I just be Canadian? I was actually made to feel “less than” because way back when, there was Irish and Scottish and Dutch and native and English and who knows what else in my bloodline. Not like some of the other kids who were first- or second-generation “whatever the case may be.” Couldn’t get away with just being a Canadian mutt.

Look, I’m white and male. I have a wife and two kids and a dog and a white house with a picket fence. Honestly. My wife and I built the fence ourselves. And I get it. I know it’s easier for me than it is for a lot of people who aren’t white and male and who don’t have what I have. Let me make that clear. This isn’t about me saying “quit whining” or “work harder.”

I try to treat people equally. I think I do a pretty good job. It’s hard not to overcompensate sometimes for fear of offending someone who’s black or female or gay, but that’s my biggest struggle: worrying about trying too hard.

I try to treat people equally by consciously not saying “a black guy” when it’s irrelevant, or “a guy” for that matter. All my life, I’ve seen and heard about people pushing back because they’re different. People seeing inequality in their lives and getting pissed and trying to do something about it. And I support that. Equality, that is.

I support “a black guy” getting a job instead of me because he’s more qualified. Or a woman getting that job if she’s more qualified. Or an “Asian” (by the way, not all Asians are Chinese and Japanese. Some of them are Indian. Some of them are Russian. They don’t all look like you think they do. Be careful!).

What I will not support is “a black guy” getting a job instead of me because an employer has a quota of non-white-males to fill. That’s as bullshit as hiring me because I’m white and male, regardless of my qualifications. It’s the pendulum swinging too far the other way instead of stopping in the middle.

I don’t support feminism, not because I don’t think women are treated equally to men (they still aren’t), but because the feminist movement doesn’t want equality, they want recompense.

I don’t support the idea that black people are owed anything because their ancestors were slaves. I didn’t own a slave. My parents, grandparents, and great grandparents didn’t own slaves. Don’t take it out on me.

Likewise for natives. Or “Indians” if you’re American. I didn’t take your land. Don’t blame me. And I’d like to treat you equally, but you’re not equal. You get subsidized housing and pay no taxes. How is that fair? Yes, white people took your ancestors’ land, but that’s been happening for the entirety of human existence. People take things from other people. The people from whom things were taken are rarely still being compensated hundreds of years later.

I’ve painted with broad strokes here. I’ve generalized and I’ve stereotyped. I realize that not every black person, woman, and native is the same as every other black person, woman, and native – just as I realize that some white males are actively trying to make the rest of humanity a sub-species.

My only recourse is to treat everyone equally. And that means that I’m not supporting ethnic groups because they’re ethnic or women’s groups because they’re women. If you want me to treat you as my equal, act like it. Don’t ask me for anything based on what you look like. If you want my support, show me what you can do.

Does a comic book look different because it was written by a woman, drawn by a black guy and inked by a gay guy? No. Does music sound different if the composer’s in a wheelchair? No. I love to support talented people. If you’re a decent person with a shred of talent, I’ll get on Twitter and Facebook and promote what you’re doing. I won’t do it if you’re an asshole or if you try to guilt me into it by using your race, gender, or…damn. It occurs to me that I don’t even know what to call “gayness or lack thereof.” And you know what? I don’t care.

Have fun. Play safe.

Your pal,

~Hodgey

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