Mikey's Shawshank Redemption 2010 NFL Playoff Preview
I ain't seen such a sorry lookin' heap o' maggot shit in all my life.
The New York Jets. Seriously... THIS is a playoff team? Let's rattle off their last few victories... a Bengals team mailing it in for the sole purpose of being able to play the Jets in the playoffs, a Colts team who was winning before it benched its starters, the hapless Buccaneers, the hapless Bills, a Jake Delhomme-led Panthers team, and the Raiders. I don't see a single impressive win since September.
His first night in the joint, Andy Dufresne cost me two packs of cigarettes. He never made a sound.
After all the crap Carson Palmer's been fed for the past five years, credit Palmer for not making a scene and throwing management under the bus, because he's had every right to do so with that circus in Cincinnati. Inexplicably, he led the Bengals to the AFC North title this year. He might be the most underrated player in the league.
I must admit I didn't think much of Andy first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.
Mark Sanchez, rookie quarterback, on the road, in the playoffs? Kid's gonna get rocked.
BENGALS: 17-6 in a snoozer.
Son, six wardens have been through here in my tenure, and I've learned one immutable, universal truth: Not one of them born whose asshole wouldn't pucker up tighter than a snare drum when you ask them for funds.
Cowboys fans are totally opposite of the six wardens at Shawshank. After the fuss they made about the mammoth stadium and outrageous prices, the place is still selling out, despite the $30 parking. I've been here in Dallas for a week - these bastards are insufferable already.
I want him found. Not tomorrow, not after breakfast - now!
DeSean Jackson. I know Dallas has shut him down in two contests this season. But it's a brand new game in January. I find it hard to believe that the pitiful Dallas secondary wasn't just lucky before, because they've given up silly plays to about every other team they've played. Jackson goes off on Saturday night - bank on it.
You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific? They say it has no memory.
Tony Romo needs no memory if the Cowboys are to advance anywhere. Sure, Dallas shook their "December curse" or whatever that crap was, but again, the pressure amps up in the playoffs, and nowhere is the pressure greater than in Dallas. The Seattle debacle, giving away the Giants game, laying down in Philly last year... past failures are sunk costs and must not figure into current decisions.
You see that's tax deductible, you can write that off.
As can Wade Phillips' case of Budweiser. It can be written off because it is used for his job, as it will likely be the only rationale for some stupid decision he makes late in the game to cost Dallas the win.
EAGLES: 22-20 on a late field goal after a questionable 4th down play at midfield is stopped by the Eagles D.
And then Andy says, "Mr. Dekins, do you want your sons to go to Harvard... or Yale?"
Or Delaware. I like the current trend of guys from small schools getting shots at the NFL. The LeFevour kid from Central Michigan will follow suit. I wouldn't exactly say that Flacco "won" two playoff games last year, but he at least managed two playoff wins before getting bounced in a good game against the Steelers. What am I saying? I'm saying he's no longer a liability and will know what to expect in what will be a rowdy atmosphere in Foxborough on Sunday.
Hadley busted up his head pretty good. Doc went home for the night. Poor bastard laid there till this morning. By then, there was nothing we could do.
Poor Wes Welker. Catches a little underneath route in the first quarter in a game with little on the line, and two seconds later his knee's in shreds and his season is over. Does this mean Belichick is Byron Hadley? He'd be more like the warden, wouldn't he?
The funny thing is - on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.
Whereas Ray Lewis was a crook on the outside until he got entangled with the law in a murder that he had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH. Then he found God. Or something. Get this late-piling, stat-padding, dancing idiot out of here.
PATRIOTS: 24-23 in a dandy, as Billy Cundiff's game winning field goal doinks off the right upright in breezy Gillette Stadium with 13 seconds left.
Andy Dufresne - who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.
You know who else made that same journey? Aaron Rodgers. The presumed #2 pick in the 2005 draft (Ronnie Brown hasn't been bad, but Miami REALLY could've used him) falls all the way to the end of the first round and lands behind primadonna Brett Favre in Green Bay. The front office sets in place a plan to move Rodgers in as the guy after Favre tells everyone he's retiring, but then gets jerked around by #4's antics before finally getting his chance after Favre angles himself as a martyr that got run out of Green Bay. Now, Rodgers has the pressure of not just replacing a legend, but also JUSTIFYING management's "decision" to run Favre out of town. Somehow, the kid's delivered for the most part. Playoff success is the only thing missing.
You'll be tellin' the warden about my baton up your ass!
This is basically what Larry Fitzgerald is going to say to the Packers defense after Sunday's late game. He owned the playoffs last year and is a sleeping tiger just waiting to eat. He'll get his against Green Bay.
CARDINALS: 34-31 (OT). After Fitzgerald catches a bomb from Warner to give the Cards a 31-28 lead with two minutes left, Rodgers rallies the troops and drives for a Green Bay field goal to force OT. Arizona wins the toss and scores in four minutes, triggering our annual "NFL should change overtime rules" debate.
Give him another month to think about it.
The Saints will have had a month since their last win by the time they suit up next weekend. Who are these guys? Are they the team that went into Week 15 undefeated? Or are they the team who have lost three straight? Has any team ever lost out after going undefeated for any length of time? Ya know, besides the 1-15 Panthers in 2001 who dropped 15 straight to end the season? Lots to think about with this New Orleans team.
Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
It can also drive Donovan McNabb insane. How much is left in the tank for McNabb? He's only about 33, but how many good years are left? There's a lot of mileage on those legs, and he's taken a beating over the years. He was supposed to be the guy to lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl. Four trips to the NFC Championship, only one win and a Super Bowl loss. The Eagles are young, but the NFC's improving from the conference the Eagles dominated 5-7 years ago. Is this McNabb's last good chance?
SAINTS 41-27. New Orleans goes up 14-0 early behind a raucous [read: drunk] Superdome crowd and Philly's got to play catchup the whole game and can never get even.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
Speaking of teams that are looking at their "last, good chance," isn't this Indy's best chance to win the Super Bowl? The AFC is a tad down this year, with New England and Baltimore a notch off their usual pace and the Steelers sitting at home. Indy may have been the "worst 14-0 team ever," but they kept winning somehow. Will Garcon and Collie totally evolve into top flight receivers? Will either Joe Addai or Donald Brown develop into a #1 back? How many wars does that aging defense have left in the tank? We know Peyton Manning isn't getting any younger, though that may not matter since he's a robot.
The man likes to play chess; let's get him some rocks.
And that's the Colts plan to beat Cincinnati. Cedric Benson will be busted for cocaine possession (presumably purchased from Marvin Harrison) two days before their divisional playoff game. After their poise following the Chris Henry tragedy, this incident will push the Bengals over the edge and create a distraction. Not a good combo for when Manning's looking for an edge.
COLTS 30-13 in a "business as usual" win for Indy.
You have to be human first. They don't qualify.
Adrian Peterson isn't human. He's a cyborg sent from another galaxy to take over the universe, and the bad guys know that if they can destroy the NFL from within, Earth will surely fall thereafter. The problem is, Peterson needs the ball to dominate, and SOMEBODY is gonna want to be the playoff hero...
The man's been in here fifty years, Heywood. Fifty years! This is all he knows. In here, he's an important man. He's an educated man. Outside, he's nothin'! Just a used up con with arthritis in both hands.
I don't need to say who is represented by this nugget of wisdom from Red.
Do you enjoy working in the laundry?
No sir, not especially.
Brad Childress... too bad, get used to it. After you blow this season for Minnesota, that's what you'll be doing - new contract or not.
I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.
Kurt Warner knows how to get things... that being, playoff wins. The Vikings can stop the run, but the Cards would rather throw it all over the yard. Warner won't be rattled by the Minnesota pass rush and has enough talent (even with Boldin out) down the field to make plays.
CARDINALS 26-21, featuring a Peterson fumble to give the Cards points before the half, and that play gives Favre the rationale to throw the ball in the second half, and that of course leads to a late interception to seal the deal for Arizona.
There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit.
Can't you see Norv Turner saying something like this when sitting down for a contract extension? At this point, he's heard all the criticism, so who cares? I know this much... his Chargers are playing the best football of the 12 teams still alive.
Only guilty man in Shawshank.
Bill Belichick knows this. He knows he's used loopholes, been a bastard, pulled every trick in the book to keep his Patriots competitive. Belichick lives with this on his conscience, and he doesn't care.
I had your mother, she wasn't that great!
Presumably a direct quote from Philip Rivers, talking to a fan from the sidelines.
CHARGERS 27-23, as Rivers leads an 80 yard drive in the final four minutes, hitting Antonio Gates with the game winner with 25 seconds left. Most entertaining game of the playoffs.
Drink up while it's cold, ladies.
We know this... barring outlandish upsets across the board, the conference title games will NOT be played in cold weather. Indy, New Orleans, San Diego, Minnesota... all domes or warm weather. This usually means upsets are to be had.
And it's Fat Ass by a nose!!!
Jonathan Vilma isn't exactly fat, but he's a big boy, and look for him to make a big play to turn a game in the playoffs, like say a forced fumble to turn momentum in the NFC Title game.
SAINTS 30-24 as the Saints escape with a late turnover as the Cards threaten to win the game.
I'd like to think that the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.
And Peyton Manning will wonder how the San Diego Chargers got the best of him... again.
CHARGERS 24-20 in a crazy, turnover-filled contest decided on a fumble by Austin Collie as the Colts try to drive to win the game.
Lord! It's a miracle! ... Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind!
And won't LaDainian Tomlinson vanish in the Super Bowl? Sure, with Rivers, Sproles, and everyone else, the Chargers have enough with out LDT to compete, but it's the pronciple of the matter.
Salvation lies within.
SAINTS 27-20. Three years late, but the Big Easy finally gets their championship.
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