2Hot's iMPACT Recap August 23, 2012

iMPACT Recap August 23, 2012

iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!

Hey Fuckers!

It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now with 50% Less Racism! So cue MY Music!!!


-Remember how last week there was a bunch of nonsense talking segments interspersed with a lot of pointless matches that were either meaningless or undid any sort of previous progress the company had made?  Remember how Aces and Eights keep promising to make this huge umm, impact, but then decide they’re too fat and lazy to put in any more effort than a few laughably menacing backstage video packages?  Remember when Bully Ray was in a program with Joseph Park?  You don’t?  Well count yourself among the lucky ones...


-Tonight!!  It’s Open Fight Night!  AGAIN!!  (Jeez, didn’t you think they would have forgotten about this thing by now?)  TONIGHT!!  Gut Check Returns!  TONIGHT!!  Sting STILL wants a piece of Aces & Eights!!


-THIS IS STING!!!  Is headed to the ring.  He’s being followed by the entire TNA locker room.  He’s here to let everyone know that he’s told security to leave the gates wide open for Aces & Eights because apparently security had been doing such a great job of keeping them out before.  Shockingly, he wants to fight the Aces & Eights.  And so does the rookie, James Storm.  But since they paid so much for his entrance music, he has to come out on his own.  He says the same stuff that Sting just said but with much more drawl.  Ridiculously, two members of the Aces & Eights show up, are allowed in to the ring, and get beaten down.  When interrogated, one of them thanked Sting for getting him “Patched In”  He then lets Sting know that they’re all in for a long, painful night.  I have a feeling so am I.


- In the zONE, some hooker has decided to flounce her way down the entrance ramp.  Hold the phone! I guess it’s KNOCKOUTS TIME because that’s no hooker, that’s Brandon Tessmacher!!  Unfortunately she has a microphone.  Because everyone knows the only thing worse than watching a knockout wrestle is listening to a knockout talk.  Since she doesn’t have a feud, she’s decided to turn on her best friend and so she calls out Tara.  Fortunately Taryn Terell is here to officiate.  Unfortunately she’s wearing a much tighter top.  The two put on a mutual respect clinic in this one.  The two give exactly what you’d expect from a woman’s match, except with extra awkwardness and blown spots.  I’m curious who’s idea it was to take a really great division of talent and give the worst one the belt.  I don’t understand the logic there.  Anyway, Tara hits a top rope superplex and pins the champ.  Luckily for Bradley, the match was non-title.  And it was easily the Knockouts match of the night.  I don’t see how they’re going to top this one, honestly.  5 forgettable stars.


-Backstage, Sting is standing around backstage with AJ, BVD, and the Robbies.  He says he has good news and bad news.  First, he’s learned that Di Angelo De Negro, was so badly injured in the Aces & Eights attack, that he’s going to be out of action for a couple of months.  So this means that the other three are going to have to face off in a triple threat match NEXT!!  So...what was the good news exactly?


-In the ring we have a Bound for Glory Triple Threat match because nothing says Open Fight Night like haphazard booking.  It’s American Jigalo Styles, taking on Bob Van Damn, and Robbie EEEE.  This ought to be good.  Oh, and even more good news!  Later we’re going to find out the results of Klaire Lynch’s paternity test! #vomit.  There was lots of three way action in this one.  AJ and BVD did their best to ignore Robbie EEEE.  This was actually a pretty decent little 5 minute match.  Unfortunately it was a 15 minute match.  The ending came when BVD hit the 5StarFrogSplash on Styles and inexplicably Robbie EEEE jumps in and stacks up Van Damn for the three count.  This was the epitome of pointlessness and as such is the Match of the Night!  5 head-shaking stars.


-Aces & Eights were sure right about this being a long, painful night.  Luckily the Inebriated Enigma is here to babble his way through a half-assed explanation for wanting to Robbie TEEE.  You know what I think of when I think about booking a truly great TNA show?  I’ll tell ya, Robbie TEEE Vs Ed Hardy!  This match went about how you’d expect except longer.  Big man dominated the early action, face in peril hulked up and fought his way back in to the match.  Kick Wham Twist of Fate, Swanton, Match of the night.  5 formulaic stars.


- And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for...  Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring and he’s welcoming American Jigalo Styles to come out and hear the results of his test.  But first, he has a mic, and he wants to apologize for subjecting us to such a shitty storyline for so long.  Speaking of long shitty storylines, let’s drag this out a little longer and bring out two thirds of the KKK to come berate AJ, and America, about being bad fathers. While they’re rambling, a lawyer, who is neither renowned or from Chicago, comes out to read a statement from Lynch.  She says that the whole thing was a scam perpetrated by Kaz and Kristopher, and she was never actually pregnant.  So... SURPRISE!  #killmenow


-Backstage, Sting gets cornered by some Aces & Eights finally and Hulk Hogan sneaks up behind them and clubs them all to the ground with a bat.  He’s sporting the blond handlebar with the black stubble so I guess that means that Hollywood is old school.  Are you as excited as I am, Chris!?!?!?!


-Thank goodness it’s Gut Check Time!!  This month, it’s Chris Louie!!  And as if that wasn’t cool enough, he gets to fight Gunner!!  Remember how Reks and Hawkins fought those two superjobbers on Smackdown last week?  Now imagine that was a singles match.  Anyway, the kid sucks and Gunner killed him I think.  Either way, there’s no chance this guy’s keeping a job.  And Chris Louie sucks too.  Gut Check Match of the MONTH!  5 squashy stars.


-In the parking lot, ODB is leaving a message for EY, wondering where the hell he is and why he won’t come back.  Plus she grabs her genitals a lot.


-In the ring, Mr Kenderson Kenderson is here.  He just might challenge someone.  Right now the only thing being challenged is my ability to finish this recap.  Turns out he’s not here to challenge, but he is here to fight, Every Segment Whatshisname.  Well, it’s pointless but at least it has the potential to be decent.  It starts out at a measured, yet stiff pace, with lots of hard hitting action.  Whatshisname dominates the lion’s share of the match.  While the match goes on, we find out that other members of the iMPACT roster are backstage beating down Aces & Eights.  Kenderson manages to get back in to things and the action picked up all the way to the finale where Kenderson reverses a BKO in to a Mic Check for the three.  This was a really good match and really has no competition for the match of the night tonight.  5 sincere stars.


-The final three hours of the show were basically one big brawl that was virtually impossible to recap as the TNA roster did battle with the Aces & Eights.  I’d like to say there were some cool spots here but it was pretty much a clusterfuck with no resolution and the bad guys (?) eventually getting run off.  I think that was supposed to be a cliff hanger but it came off more like a rope hanger.


Anyway...

That happened.

You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com

See you next week.

Your Pal

2HoT

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2Hot's hARD cORE jUSTICE Recap August 12, 2012

hARD cORE jUSTICE Recap August 12, 2012
hARD cORE jUSTICE is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR hARD cORE jUSTICE RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!

TONIGHT!!  The World Championship of the World will be up for grabs as Triple A Austin Aries takes on Ravishing Bobby Roode in a “Shoehorned Stipulation” Match.  Tonight!!  We have THREE HARDCORE MATCHES and nary a storyline between them! Its Tables, Ladders, and Fallscountanywhere’s!  Oh MY!!  Tonight!! Barry Tesmacher defends her Knockouts Title against Madison “The Graverobber” Rayne, with special guest referee, actual referee Ancient Earl Hebner!  TONIGHT!!  There will probably be some other stuff they never told us about!!

-As is the fashion at every TNA ppv, we kick off the night with a completely unannounced match.  This completely unannounced match features the newly formed tag team of Kid Kash and Gunner, because nobody else wanted to work with them.  They take on the newly reformed LAX, this time with 50% more Gurerio.  As LAX walk to the ring, Taz and Tenay gush about what a “Natural Tag Team” the two make.  Just look at how brown they are!  (They didn’t actually say that part but it was obviously implied.)  Tenay actually calls them the Tex/Mex connection because they are from the Mexican part of Texas I guess.  What do I know, I’m from Canada.  You all look the same to me.  Bad guys jump LAX from behind, dump Supermex to the outside and proceed to go to work on Goryero.   This doesn’t last long and the first offense Eddie, I mean Chavito hits is the Three Amigos then tries to go for the Frog Splash.  The heels manage to take over and control the action for the next 20 minutes, letting Goriero do his best Road Dog.  Eventually tho, Supermex does get tagged in, allowing him to take out the trash.  When Supermex went for his suicide dive to the outside on Gunner, he tagged Gurrierio in mid air.  Once tagged, Eddie, I mean Chavo hit the Frog Splash for the win.  Great stuff in this one.  It could be match of the night, but I hope it isn’t.  But what the hell, let’s give it 5 stars.

-Up next is our Falls Count Anywhere Bound For Glory Fatal Four Way Hardcore match.  It features Bob Van Damn, The Pimp – Di Angelo De Negro, BUT WAIT!! De Negro doesn’t come out when his music is hit!!  Where could he be?!?!?!  Oh Yeah, Aces and Eights are backstage lynching him.  So hey, I guess this is now our Falls Count Anywhere Bound For Glory Three Way Dance Hardcore match.  It features Bob Van Damn, Totally Straight Magnus, and MMMMISSSSTERRRRR KENNNDERRRRRRSONNN! Kendersonnnn...  According to Tenay, only having three people in the match instead of four, lessens the chances of each winning.  Makes sense.  Barely two minutes in to the match we’re subjected to an accidental close up of BVD’s ass crack sweat.  Thanks for that.  I don’t know what the hell happened to RVD besides age but his matches are just the worst.  Any time he was involved in this match, it was plodding and hesitant and brutal.  Thankfully he spent more time laying on the ground than not and the work between Kenderson and TSM was pretty decent.  So obviously as you’d expect, BVD hit his worst ever Vandamninator on the entrance stage and got the 20 point pin fall victory.  My hope is fading but everything except BVD has made this the Match of the Night (so far). 5 baffling stars!

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to let us know that security has swept the building because TNA can’t afford to hire janitors I guess.  Oh yeah and they didn’t find anyone wearing ski masks and viciously beating black men.  But while we’re here, let’s chat with some hooker.  Oh wait, that’s no hooker, it’s Madison Rayne dressed like a hooker!  She’s here to let us know that she is a multiple time singles and tag Knockouts champ so she doesn’t need any help to beat the champ.  But if Ancient Earl Hebner DOES want to help, she’ll probably blow him (a kiss) later.

- In the ring, because we want to make sure RBD still has a belt to never defend on iMPACT, he gets to face Kazarian for the television championship.  Kaz is already one half of the world tag team champions of the world as one third of the KKK with Kristopher Daniels and Klaire “the Krackwhore” Lynch.  Her last name is Lynch?  That’s fun!  Bell rings and its on!  RBD goes straight to the offense in that typical brawling style that got him where he is today.  At one point the sound cut out on the feed but it actually increased my enjoyment.  Tenay brings up the point that RBD has had the Television championship for months!  The Professor has apparently failed to notice that Devon has also not defended the title in months.  Late in the match, RBD hit Kaz with a Spear so hard I think he left some black on him.  Then he almost pulled Kaz’s head off with a second rope neckbreaker of some sort. Kaz manages to mount a bit of a comeback and gets RBD set up in whatever the name of his ridiculous finisher is, when it gets reversed, allowing him to nail a Dominator, and get the three count.  Anyway, that was an outstanding pier 6 brawl that could have been the match of the night. 5 Damn stars.

-A long video recap reminds us what a horrific shit show the Knockouts division has become.  It also reminds us that Madison Rayne gets a title shot against Barry Tessmacher, with Ancient Earl Hebner scheduled to referee.

-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME!  Maddy is looking particularly lovely this evening rocking the pink and black, and of course Bart is again dressed like a slutty Captain America.  Lots of hot knockouts action in this one with Maddy dominating most of the action.  She seems out to prove that she doesn’t need the help of Earl to help her win the belt.  Several near falls seem to rattle the challenger, leading her to start getting upset with the referee in her pocket.  In her frustration, Barak is able to take advantage and start mounting a comeback.  The ending of the match comes when Madison is able to roll Benny up and use the ropes for extra leverage.  Ancient Earl Hebner didn’t manage to notice the ring ropes so we have a NEW KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION!!  This was a really good match with a lot fewer blown spots than you might expect.  5 suspect stars.

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Every Segment Whatshisname.  Whatshisname says that he’s not scared of anybody but he is scared of many anybodys because one against more than one is just math and math hurts! Also, he’s forgotten who he is again but he did remember he has a hardcore match NEXT!!

-It’s time for the Bound for Glory Fatal Four Way Hardcore Tables Match featuring Robbie EEEE, Every Segment Whathisname, Ed Hardy, and the young phenonm Cowboy James Storm.  A fun spot kicks things off as everyone plays slap the shit out of Robbie EEE.  Things got confusing when Storm and Hardy suplexed Whatshisname and Robbie was supposed to move the table but he didn’t get it far enough out of the way and Whatshishame clipped the corner.  Hardy, being the drunk that he is of course broke character and started flipping out at Robbie till Storm shut him up and the refs made sure to get them continuing the match.  Apparently even tho they broke the table, they didn’t put Whatshisname THROUGH the table.  So as I am sure you are inferring, this match was about as clusterfucky as you could imagine including Robbie putting himself through a table and mercifully removing himself from the action.   Aces and Eights come out and put an inconsequential beatdown on Whatshisname while giving the thumbs up to James Storm.  Ending comes when Hardy eats a Sweetchinmusic out of nowhere and whatshisname is able to immediately toss the rookie from the ring and powerbomb Hardy through the table to get twenty points and put this abomination out of its misery.  It may have been awful but it was still the tables match of the night.  Five splintered stars!

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is again backstage, and this time he is with the Champ, Triple A Austin Aries.  Aries says he’s going to win his title match tonight because he’s better than Bobby Roode.  Alrighty then.

- Hows about we BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS!!  Tonight we get to see Zema the Paralyzer Ion defend his title against Kenny “Not Rodney” King.  I don’t like the champ’s chances in this one against the much darker man.  This was a flippity shit clinic!  Lots of high risk maneuvers in this one. I think there were more blown spots in this match than in the Knockouts match.  The ending came when the two did this corner reversal spot thing that I don’t think was actually blow but rather, just looked crappy.  Long story short, it resulted in King getting dropped on his face, rolled over and pinned for 3.  Without a word of bullshit this was (not) your MATCH OF THE NIGHT! Negative 5 Stars!

-Backstage Jeremy Borash is still backstage interviewing the only participant in the 4 way Ladder match who can’t talk, Samoa Joe, and as expected, he doesn’t say much.

-It’s Bound for Glory Fatal Four Way Ladder Match Time!!  This time we get American Jigalo Styles, One Third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels, Kurt Angle, and Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe.  The match kicked off more or less like the last four way did with Kristopher Daniels playing the role of Robbie E.  It seemed at first like nobody really wanted to fight in this match but eventually it got off the ground and became more or less every other four way ladder match we’ve ever seen.  I’m not quite sure why but Kurt Angle was WAY more over than anyone else in this match, which is especially odd considering the most interesting thing he’s done on tv this year was a Funny or Die video, but I digress.  This was definitely the Admiral Crispy of ladder matches.  It was sort of good like the other brand, but it just wasn’t quite there, and it still tore the hell out of your mouth for no reason.  There was a pretty fun spot when AJ had been dumped off the ladder to the outside, and the other three were left in the ring, Samoan Joe and Kurt Angle decided to trade suplexes on Kristopher Daniels.  They hit 3 each then stuck daniels through a ladder and traded soccer kicks to the gut.  Good times.  The ending came when, with two ladders set up, Samoan Joe and Angle battled at the top of the ladder when AJ jumped from the turn buckle across that tiny ring, landed on the other ladder, ran up and scooped the victory from the other men.  This was a pretty fun great match.  It so far has no competition for Match of the Night. 5 certain stars.

-Since it’s almost that time, Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Ravishing Bobby Roode.  Roode is here to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs, to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man deals with a FLUUKE!  He assures BJB that since he carries this company on his back so he’s pretty much guaranteeing that he’s going to beat that fluke tonight and bring the gold BACK TO CANADA!!  (I may have added in that last part...) FLUUUUUKE!

-ITS MAIN EVENT TIME!!  World Heavyweight Championship match between Triple A Austin Aries and Ravishing Bobby Roode.  (Side note, I just noticed a guy in the crowd wearing a “Yes shirt that looks like he may have eaten Daniel Bryan.) As expected there was lots of back and forth action in this one and lots of posturing and psychology early from both combatants.  The match is pretty even and balanced.  They even trade Bowden Crossfaces at one point.  At one point we get a ref bump that leads to another ref joining the action.  This sets up the ending where two refs counted the three, each for another participant.  This of course brought out Senior official Ancient Earl Hebner to dusty the place and restart the match.  The next few minutes were a stampede of near falls that culminated with Aries actually winning with a roll up.  Everything up to that point was outstanding however, and this was far and away the match of the night!  5 Screwy Stars!!
 
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT

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2Hot's iMPACT Recap August 16, 2012

iMPACT Recap August 16, 2012
iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music AGAIIIINNNN!

-Remember how hARDCORE jUSTICE just happened recently and it was more or less TNA back to their old antics of having matches that weren’t announced, giving nonsensically strong pushes to people who don’t deserve it, Having stunningly poor in-ring performances and even busting out the Dusty finish?  No?  You don’t?  I fucking JUST told you about it!  What the hell is the matter with you people?!?!

-Since I’m here anyway, we might as well get back to the wrasslin I guess....  TONIGHT!  The Bound for Glory series SHOCKINGLY RESUMES!  This time American Jigalo Styles takes on one third of the KKK for the milestone 5000th time!  Tonight!  Totally Straight Magnus gets  to put his hands on Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe to see if he can get a rise in the rankings if you know what I mean...  Tonight!  Every Segment Whatshisname will take on The Inebriated Enigma Ed Hardy in the MAIN EVENT, provided Hardy doesn’t pass out in the next hour and a half.  TONIGHT!!!

-In the ring, The Champ is HERE.  Triple A Austin Aries is out to tell us all to take the E off of fluke and go Fluck ourselves.  Are American schools really that bad?  Fluck isn’t even a word!  And besides, this is odd behaviour from our apparent face champion don’t you think?  Luckily Ed Hardy is here to stumble his way to the ring and slur his way through letting us know that he doesn’t know what’s going on around here (shocker) but he knows that he needs to fight a BUNCH of guys, like Aces and Eights.  Instead of a bunch of guys however, He gets one really fat guy as this segment needed more Whatshisname I guess.  Whatshisname comes out and talks for 4 hours about how Storm is behind the attacks, and he’s going to win the Bound for Glory and he’s going to get the world title and blahdeblahdeblah.  Aries then gets back on the mic and we get to hear Oh Poor Me (I’m an Underdog) off of his greatest hits album, when Aces and Eights get on the screen to tell us that This time they really are going to show up and make a major umm impact, not like all those other times they said that and then didn’t do much of anything.  I, for one am on the edge of my seat in anticipation!!

-Back stage, Totally Straight Magnus is being interviewed about his match later with Samoan Joe.  He thinks he has a good shot at topping the submission machine.  He says that since the two were tag partners, he knows not just Joe the wrestler, he knows Joe the man.  Inside and out if you know what I mean...

-Let’s get right to that match shall we?  Joe makes his way to the ring to await the incoming Magnus.  Fast paced action as the match gets underway.  The two roll all over each other, each trying to tie the other down for a submission.  Magus is on top for most of the match as he imposes his will on the Samoan.  Suddenly out of nowhere, Joe reverses some sort of something in to a roll up and finishes early!  Joe Wins!  This was a decent if short match that has to be in the running for match of the night.  5 spurious stars!

-After the match, TSM is upset that he was left so unsatisfied so while Joe was making excuses for leaving, Magnus nailed him with a steel chair!  If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think that they were starting to set up a post bound for glory feud for these two.  But then I remember this is TNA so it probably means nothing.

-Backstage some hooker is blabbing on about not getting enough respect but now she’s the champ and people are going to respect her.   Why would a hooker be talking abo... Oh that’s Graverobber Madison Rayne!  She didn’t really have much interesting to say before some curtain jerker came to tell her that the She Hulk wants to see her in the ring.  Which means we have to see the She Hulk in the ring.  Fantastic!!

-Maddy comes out to the ring first, thinking she’s there for a championship celebration.  She says she hopes Brook brings the cake.  Joke’s on YOU Maddy.  Brook ate all the cake.  Brook comes  out to let us know that the woman who’s name she stole gets a rematch tonight and there will be a special guest she-referee.  Then Madison shot on her for ten minutes about how the Hogans are ruining the wrestling business.  The She Hulk decides she can’t handle the truth so she takes off after Madison, who narrowly escapes.  Once she finally lumbers to the ring, Aces and Eights show up and scare her?  I guess.  Anyway, a bunch of locker room flunkies come out and chase them off.  This leads to Sting hitting the ring to issue an open challenge for Open Fight Night next week.  Our guys against Your guys!  Wanna bet the Aces and Eights don’t show up?  What do you think, we advance storylines around here?

-So business is about to pick up because AJ Styles just added a stip to his match tonight.  If he loses, that means he IS the father of Klaire’s baby.  If he wins, then he gets to get a paternity test to confirm that he’s the father of Klaire’s baby.  He’s in the ring to take on one third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels.  This match, being the 5000th was pretty much the same as every other match between these two.  It’s a case of “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” truly.  And by that I mean this match was magnificent.  The ending comes when AJ nails Kristopher with a Pele Kick, gets the three, and then nails a Styles Clash for good measure.  This was easily the match of the night for sure.  5 highlight reel stars.

- Hulk Hogan is going to go Old School next week, which I guess means he’s going to bring back Vince Russo to hammer those last few nails.

-Young Phenom James Storm has decided that he needs to be at ringside for the Whatshishname/Hardy match.  Partly because of Aces and Eights, and partly because he hasn’t been on the show yet tonight.

-Ravishing Bobby Roode is here! And he wants to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man cuts a post Dusty Finish promo.  The crowd starts chanting “Loser” at him.  Takes one to know one I guess...  Roode is steamed because he doesn’t get another rematch.  He wants us all to know whats next for him but he drops the mic and walks away. -Young Phenom James Storm has decided that he needs to be at ringside for the Whatshishname/Hardy match.  Partly because of Aces and Eights, and partly because he hasn’t been on the show yet tonight.

-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME.  It’s your Hardcore Justice Title Match Rematch featuring Graverobber Madison Rayne taking on Barrett Tessmacher.  Once the two make it to the ring, Brook Hogan comes out to introduce the new special guest referee!  OMG TAZ!  What’s TARYN TERRELL doing in the iMPACT Zone?!?  I guess she’s here to ref? I didn’t know she’d turned 30? Fun bit, when Brook was introducing Taryn, she basically fell off the entrance ramp trying to get out of the way.  Way to Shockmaster it up there, She-Hulk.  I’m going to go ahead and guess this was a good match, I don’t really know.  I spent the entire time staring at Taryn.  I’m sure no one will care if I just give this Match of the Night.  While I’m at it I’ll add 5 beautiful stars.  Oh yeah, Brian got her title back for no fucking reason as well.

-Thank goodness it’s Main Event Time!  The Wayback Machine has dropped us off in 2002 for a match between Ed Hardy and Whatshisname.  This was a pretty solid brawl.  It went back and forth and James Storm more or less decided to let the veterans do their thing without getting involved.  Of course Aces and Eights come out, distract Bully, allowing Hardy to get the victory.  Mhhufdhnight5starswhatever.  Everyone comes out to chase off the thugs, and once they leave, Storm is unharmed so Whatshisname is obviously livid.  He finally takes off and that is just when Whaaaaaaaa???  Aces and Eights return and lay a savage beating on Storm!

How will this all play out next week on open fight night?!?!  Badly I bet.

Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT

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Northern Reflections – What Colour Is Music?

So here’s the thing. My wife was telling me a story tonight about a woman we know who got in a car accident with a black guy. When she was done telling the story, I had to ask why the fact that the guy was black was relevant. She admitted that she had misspoken and that it wasn’t. It brought a bunch of thoughts on the topic to the surface.

For a while now, it’s irked me that a comic book writer I’m very fond of is constantly promoting Asian-American writers and artists. Apparently, I should be supporting them because they’re Asian-American, not because they’re talented. Or maybe I shouldn’t support them because I’m not Asian-American. Oh, and he’s (either North or South) Korean. Or Korean-American. Or American-Korean. You know what? He’s smart and funny and talented and engaging. That’s what he is. That’s what matters.

When I was a kid, I remember the class being asked in school “what” we were. Where were our ancestors from? Even then, it bugged me. I was born in Canada. My parents were born in Canada. Their parents were born in Canada. Their parents were born in Canada. Why can’t I just be Canadian? I was actually made to feel “less than” because way back when, there was Irish and Scottish and Dutch and native and English and who knows what else in my bloodline. Not like some of the other kids who were first- or second-generation “whatever the case may be.” Couldn’t get away with just being a Canadian mutt.

Look, I’m white and male. I have a wife and two kids and a dog and a white house with a picket fence. Honestly. My wife and I built the fence ourselves. And I get it. I know it’s easier for me than it is for a lot of people who aren’t white and male and who don’t have what I have. Let me make that clear. This isn’t about me saying “quit whining” or “work harder.”

I try to treat people equally. I think I do a pretty good job. It’s hard not to overcompensate sometimes for fear of offending someone who’s black or female or gay, but that’s my biggest struggle: worrying about trying too hard.

I try to treat people equally by consciously not saying “a black guy” when it’s irrelevant, or “a guy” for that matter. All my life, I’ve seen and heard about people pushing back because they’re different. People seeing inequality in their lives and getting pissed and trying to do something about it. And I support that. Equality, that is.

I support “a black guy” getting a job instead of me because he’s more qualified. Or a woman getting that job if she’s more qualified. Or an “Asian” (by the way, not all Asians are Chinese and Japanese. Some of them are Indian. Some of them are Russian. They don’t all look like you think they do. Be careful!).

What I will not support is “a black guy” getting a job instead of me because an employer has a quota of non-white-males to fill. That’s as bullshit as hiring me because I’m white and male, regardless of my qualifications. It’s the pendulum swinging too far the other way instead of stopping in the middle.

I don’t support feminism, not because I don’t think women are treated equally to men (they still aren’t), but because the feminist movement doesn’t want equality, they want recompense.

I don’t support the idea that black people are owed anything because their ancestors were slaves. I didn’t own a slave. My parents, grandparents, and great grandparents didn’t own slaves. Don’t take it out on me.

Likewise for natives. Or “Indians” if you’re American. I didn’t take your land. Don’t blame me. And I’d like to treat you equally, but you’re not equal. You get subsidized housing and pay no taxes. How is that fair? Yes, white people took your ancestors’ land, but that’s been happening for the entirety of human existence. People take things from other people. The people from whom things were taken are rarely still being compensated hundreds of years later.

I’ve painted with broad strokes here. I’ve generalized and I’ve stereotyped. I realize that not every black person, woman, and native is the same as every other black person, woman, and native – just as I realize that some white males are actively trying to make the rest of humanity a sub-species.

My only recourse is to treat everyone equally. And that means that I’m not supporting ethnic groups because they’re ethnic or women’s groups because they’re women. If you want me to treat you as my equal, act like it. Don’t ask me for anything based on what you look like. If you want my support, show me what you can do.

Does a comic book look different because it was written by a woman, drawn by a black guy and inked by a gay guy? No. Does music sound different if the composer’s in a wheelchair? No. I love to support talented people. If you’re a decent person with a shred of talent, I’ll get on Twitter and Facebook and promote what you’re doing. I won’t do it if you’re an asshole or if you try to guilt me into it by using your race, gender, or…damn. It occurs to me that I don’t even know what to call “gayness or lack thereof.” And you know what? I don’t care.

Have fun. Play safe.

Your pal,

~Hodgey

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2Hot's iMPACT Recap August 02, 2012

iMPACT Recap August 02, 2012


iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!


Hey Fuckers!


It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!


-Remember how last week there was that HOLD THE DAMNED PHONE THE WRASSLIN’S STARTIN ALREADY!!!  Taz and Tenay inform us that there was supposed to be a tag match TONIGHT, where Ravishing Bobby Roode and Zema “The Paralyzer” Ion were to take on Triple A Austin Aries and Kenny “It’s Racist to Call Me Martin Luther” King.  But the four couldn’t wait till the show even started so they’re Pier 6’ing all over the iMPACT zONE!  When the match finally makes it to the ring, they decide to ring the bell and make it official.  We have a match, son!  There was a lot of stiff action in this one.  In true heel style, Roode manages to avoid tagging in at all costs.  When Roode did decided to come in to the match, the heels put on a tag clinic.  They dominated King for a long time, doing a great job of inciting Triple A, but keeping him out of the match.  King does his best D O Double Gee till Aries finally gets in and all hell breaks loose.  In the chaos, King manages to hit his finisher on Ion and pins the X-Division champ in the middle of the ring.  Way to job your already weak champ out on free tv, TNA.  Awesome.  Aside from the ending, the match was stellar.  It was likely the match of the night.  5 stars for getting clinical.


-As I was saying... Remember how last week there was that Aces and Eights group who were kind enough to beat the Hulkster bad enough he was completely off TV?  Remember how they have been causing Total Nonstop Anarchy and Bobby Roode believes they are being lead by rookie phenom, James Storm?  No?  You don’t?  Well it’s a good thing I’m here to remind you, isn’t it?


-THIS IS STING is here and he’s gone out to the ring to let us know that he is going to look in every horse’s mouth till he gets some answers about Aces and Eights.  The horse he wants to hear from right now is none other than freshly accused James Storm.  Storm gets on the mic and asks if he can be serious for a minute...  He says that he may have only been here a short time but he aims to prove himself on his own and not have someone else fight his battles for him.  Kurt Angle then comes out and takes twice as long to say the exact same thing Sting just finished saying to Storm.  The long and the short of it is that Angle and Storm will have a match, with Sting at ringside.  It’s probably your main event. And it’s TONIGHT!


-We’re informed that AJ Styles is hiding from the KKK in Australia so instead of moving this story forward, we get VIDEO PACKAGES!  Sweet!  I was hoping this story wouldn’t advance.


-So the powers that be don’t have to worry about advancing any storylines, Taz and Tenay let us know that Hardcore Justice will feature three fatal four way hardcore matches.  One will be a Ladder match, one will be a Falls Count Anywhere match, and one will be a Tables match.  An interesting note here, neither BVD nor Ed Hardy will be in the ladder match.  Way to put your best foot forward, TNA.


-Whatshisname tweets his way to the ring @2hot2k, and he wants to let us know that he will also be at ringside for the Storm/Angle match.  They don’t call him Every Segment for nothing.  In the meantime, he’s here to squash Robbie EEE.  He does.  And gets seven points at the expense of the Jersey Jerkoff.  (Squash) Match of the night.  5 stars for having the match be short enough.


-Backstage, Earl Hebner is handing a bunch of gifts to some hooker.  Oh wait, that’s no hooker, that’s Madison Rayne. She tells him she doesn’t need gifts, silly, just money will be fine.  Gail sneaks up behind her like some kind of ninja and tells her that Earl better call the Four Way Number One Contenders match for the Knockouts Title right now because anything less would bring great dishonor to his famarie.  Also, that match is NEXT!


-Oh goodie! Brittany Tessmacher is joining us on commentary.  This oughta be good.  It’s kinda strange tho because Taz keeps calling her Brooke.  Which is totally not her name by the way.  The four-way (not the good kind) features Tara, Mickey James, Gail Kim, and Madison Rayne at a total combined age of a hundred and thirty four!! (Fun Fact: Gail Kim is three years OLDER than Mickey James.  Betchya wouldn’t have guessed that). Lots of hot Knockouts action in this one.  I’m pretty sure Taz just asked Beth, who she’d like to fist at Hardcore Justice.  Remember how a little while ago, the She Hulk sent Vanilla Sky away to shoot some music video with some country band?  It must not have gone well...  Oh and Earl pulls the screwjob ending and gets Maddy the victory.  This was definitely the Knockouts match of the night. 5 flimsy stars.  (Directors Note: Don’t show Tara in close up.  Yikes.)


- Sting and the She Hulk are back stage talking about a bunch of shit I don’t care about.  Plus looking at Brooke makes me sick to my stomach.  So I’m sure you don’t care if I skip it.


-Back stage EY and ODB are here.  They say a bunch of stuff that takes away my nausea from the former segment.  Also EY’s fishing show debuts yesterday but no one gives a crap.


-Speaking of no one giving a crap, Kid Kash and Gunner are here.  It’s nice to see these crazy kids finally finding someone they can connect with, but I digress.  Kash is here to take on the roster’s newest umm, immigrant?  Chavo Gurerrieo.  There is a ton of fast paced stiff action in this one.  I’m really starting to see why Kash never made it to the big leagues.  Goireo mines his family legacy throughout this match, finally finishing of Kash with a Frog Splash a la Eddie Gorrerreo.  This was likely the Match of the night.  5 stars for kickoffs.


-Kurt is backstage talking to some other snot nosed legacy piece of crap when the alleged Television Champion and his little buddy Garret let Kurt know that they have his back with Aces and Eights tonight in his match.


-In the ring, Kaz and Kristopher are throwing Klaire a baby shower...  So yeah...  The sick feeling is back...


-Backstage, Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park lets us know that he now provides legal representation to a couple of TNA superstars.  Just in case you were worried he wouldn’t be on TV anymore.


-IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!!  It’s a BFG Series match between James Storm and Kurt Angle with half the roster at ringside.  As is often the case, the match starts out very strong.  Lots of hard hitting action from two superstars who can really brawl.  Over the course of the match, more superstars make their way to ringside in expectation of Aces and Eights.  But they don’t show up, and Storm ends up finally managing to find the time to set up a Sweetchinmusic out of nowhere.  We have your Match of the Night!  5 stars for straight up clean finishes.


-All the folks standing around at ringside are befuddled by the lack of interference in this match.  Granted most of the folks at ringside are befuddled by shoe laces but that’s beside the point.  James Storm gets on the mic and invites Aces and Eights to come out.  But they don’t show up so everyone starts fighting each other like the meatheads they are.


Anyway...

That happened.


You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com


See you next week.


Your Pal


2HoT

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Sollywood - Hot Garbage

I don't really like referencing Justin Drew this site, on Facebook, or on my podcast (found RIGHT HERE!), but I have to give him credit for introducing a new term to my vocabulary: Hot Garbage. I don't remember the context in which he said it, and since it's Justin, it doesn't really matter.

Point is, I was thinking of that term last night when I was at Petco Park watching the Padres host the Mets (with both teams wearing AWESOME 1989 retro jerseys). The old saying goes "You root for the laundry"... well last night I literally was rooting for the laundry, as the '89 jersey was the only reason (outside of Dickey) to crack a smile last night. Not that 1989 was a fun year, with the Mets trading Lenny Dykstra to the Phils the SAME fucking day we headed to Philly to watch them play.  True story.

Dykstra, Wilson, Carter, and Hernandez all left after '89... remind me again why the Mets agreed to play along with the Padres on this one?

Anyway, hot garbage time. R.A. Dickey pitched very well but was the victim of some putrid defense behind him. I'm looking at you, Scott Hairston and Josh Thole.

Hairston is what he is, a glorified bench player in his walk year. But at least he offers something with his bat. Thole brings nothing to the table except a giant pair of pussy lips. I'm not asking for Johnny Bench but at least hold on to the fucking ball when a runner is trying to break up a 1-1 tie. Easy for me to scream at Thole (and I did) while pudgy Carlos Quentin is colliding with him, but it's Thole's job to make the play, especially when Quentin was out by 15 feet.

And if the offense decided to score more than 1 run on 9 fucking hits, that would have been swell. I know it was '80s night but that wasn't Mark Davis on the mound, it was Clayton Fucking Richard. Outside of Hairston, they're getting no production from their outfield and their catcher position is the biggest black hole since Oprah's snatch. If Wright and Davis are cold, this lineup is DEAD.

Dickey deserved better. This was a winnable game against an awful team. No more hot garbage, please.

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