The Microwave - Braves/Phils Opening Night

Pregame: Philly gets to celebrate its defending World Series champs while I wonder what Chan Ho Park has to do with any of it. Joe Morgan looks the same as he did in 1990, so says Jon Miller. Good to know the Apollo Creed mustache is still going strong 20 years later. Steve Phillips joins the broadcast this season, as apparently ESPN needed to fill its skirt chasing quota. If it were any other duo, this move would probably be subtraction by addition, but since it’s Miller and Morgan, it’s a lateral move at worst. The Phils walk to the field thru the crowd like the NWO or something, while starting pitcher Brett Myers just comes out of the bullpen. My guess is that’s a term of his probation. Speaking of wife beating, Bobby Cox is back for a 613th consecutive season on the bench for Atlanta.


Top 1: Myers gets the start tonight because Cole Hamels is a pussy. Harry Doyle once said that the first at bat of the season would set the stage for the entire year. Kelly Johnson flies out, so apparently nothing’s changed from last year. Larry Jones gets booed and rightfully so, but slaps a 3-2 pitch to left for a single to extend the inning. McCann’s batting cleanup? It’s come to that for the Braves? Wait… never mind. Mac just hit it to the moon, putting it in the second deck in right for a quick 2-0 lead!! Now’s as good time as any to comment on the Braves navy blue unis, which suck, and the all blue batting helmets, which are blah. 116 year old Garret Anderson hits one a mile, but foul, before grounding out.


Bot 1: Time for the Atlanta debut for Derek Lowe – hopefully the Face is long gone. He looks like someone, but I have no idea who. I’ve always liked Lowe and like him with the Braves. Not sure he’s an ace though. Rollins 3-unassisted. Werth has trimmed back the hair and no longer looks like Edge. Joe and Steve talk about the Mets collapse… last year’s edition, not the ones from ’06 and ’07. Morgan praises Braves’ rookie Jordan Schafer, who is likely the next Brave I despise, given his attitude problems in the minors coming up thru the system. Hey, I thought Utley was out thru like June. Utley crushes one deep right, but Frenchy runs it down on the track.


Top 2: Before I can get back to my seat, Frenchy swings at the first pitch (no shock there) and lines it directly into the left field seats!! Holy shit!! It’s 3-0 and the boo birds are out for Myers. Glad to see a title hasn’t changed anything for the moron Philly fans. It appears Frenchy has ditched the evil Frenchy chin strap beard in favor of a light goatee. I like it. Casey Kotchman – the big return in the Teixiera trade – strikes out, and Schafer’s up in his major league debut. I dropped this fool in my fantasy league in favor of Milwaukee’s Mat Gamel, so what does Schafer do? HOMERS TO DEAD CENTER!! Who needs to go to jail for domestic violence when you got 50,000 drunk Philly fans ready to pound your ass? Huge Bronx cheer when Myers gets out of the inning.


Bot 2: Lowe vs. Howard to lead off. $20 says Howard strikes out – and he does!! No worries, he’ll drill a homer off Wickman in the 9th to win the game. I know better. Prized free agent pickup Raul Ibanez grounds out. And hey, let’s check on the WOMEN’S FINAL FOUR!! Speaking of women, Victorino grounds out and that’s a 1-2-3 inning with ease.


Top 3: Myers is back out, so I guess he hasn’t been drawn and quartered in the streets yet. Yet. And then Escobar DRILLS one to deep left center and the fans are booing even before it stays in the park for a double. LOVE the Phils fan who’s already so cynical about the season that he’s arguing that he touched the ball and that it should be a home run. IT’S SIX OUTS INTO THE SEASON!! Phillips rambles about all the pitches Larry can hit, to which Morgan counters with a 22 second rant about “fastball in” being the only one he can’t hit. Larry proves Morgan wrong by whiffing at a breaking ball instead. Mac fouls out, and Anderson grounds out to strand Escobar.


Bot 3: Happy peter leads off the 3rd and flies out harmlessly to shallow center. Is it just me or is Miller balder this year than last? Frenchy muffs a foul ball in right while Joe calls him “Fran-CHUR.” Ya gotta think that Ruiz gets on given the free out, and of course he does, ripping one inside the 3rd base line. More fan interference this time, and it’s a double. Myers works the count and grounds out on the first pitch. Ya gotta love PAUL MAHOLM getting an opening day start in the big leagues. Nothing says “we’re committed to winning” like putting Paul Maholm on the hill for opening day, and not due to an injury. Way to go, Pittsburgh. Rollins does NOTHING and that’s that.


Top 4: It’s refreshing to see Citizens Bank Park when there’s not a monsoon over it. Frenchy leads off the inning and TAKES FIVE PITCHES IN A ROW! He celebrates this watershed moment by lining out to Rollins. The crew praises Frenchy for adjusting his stance this year, going to an open stance (not entirely Terry Pendleton style, but getting there) which I approve of. An underrated detrimental effect of trading Teixiera: not as much cup adjustment between pitches this season. I miss that already. With that second inning bomb, Schafer joins Elijah Dukes in the “Baseball Players to be in Jail Someday” club. Check that, in the “MLB’ers Who Homered in their First AB” club. Schafer gets on anyway, but Lowe flies out to end the inning.


Bot 4: Schafer looks like a complete tool with his unshaped cap. Why don’t ya just turn it sideways and wear it like B.J. Upton? Larry with a lazy one hop throw that beats Werth at first. Breaking News!! Louisville beats Oklahoma!! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF ESPN! Kotchman with a good diving stop and gets Utley. Howard grounds out, apparently having left his talent at Dick’s Sporting Goods.


Top 5: Philly pitching coach says Myers is fine. Sure, he’s only been rocked for three homers and had a half dozen other balls smoked, but he’s fine. So what happens then? Larry crushes one for a groundrule double. Joe says Chipper is “picking up where he left off,” which is code for “will be on the DL within two weeks.” As I’m losing interest in the game, Myers gets out of trouble.


Bot 5: Phillips finally speaks for the first time in two innings, having presumably returned from the bathroom after some bad cheesesteak, and mentions that Cholly says that Victorino isn’t a good bunt guy or a good hit and run guy and that he just wants Victorino to swing the bat. On cue, he strikes out. The game is officially boring at this point, but when it’s your pitcher getting 1-2-3 innings, boring is a good thing.


Top 6: Anderson gets a fluky infield hit off Myers’ glove to lead off. Back to back infield grounders move Anderson to third. “Logan Schafer” comes to the plate, as Jon Miller channels his inner Jim Ross. Seriously, dude homers his first career AB on opening night, singles his next AB, Joe Morgan’s gushing over him, and you can’t get his fucking name right?? Schafer gets on base three straight, this one with an intentional walk to set up Lowe. Lowe, unlike Myers earlier, works the count, but watches strike three go by. “Likely Myers’ last pitch.” Of the night, sure. Unfortunately, not for his career.


Bot 6: They keep talking about the “official” first Sunday Night Baseball of the year coming NEXT week. How isn’t this “official?” It’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway. Greg Dobbs pinch hits for Myers and it’s mentioned that Dobbs also homered in his first MLB at bat. Can you guess who it came off of? I’ll give you three guesses, but you’ll only need one. Joe says Cholly doesn’t manage X’s and O’s, which is too bad, considering Andy Reid could use some help next door. Besides, do you really manage “X’s and O’s” in baseball? Unless you’re Jerry Manuel or Earl Weaver, respectively. Rollins gets on with two outs, but Lowe catches a liner back at him from Werth and that’s that.


Top 7: Two down in a hurry, and Larry’s back to the plate. Morgan talks for FIFTY FOUR SECONDS without coming up for air about talking to Hank Aaron and getting old and learning to hit and repeats himself about 5 times in all. Larry makes like he’s at a Hooters and has a seat.


Bot 7: Middle of the order here in what may be Philly’s last good chance. And Lowe gives me NO material to work with, retiring Utley, Howard, and Ibanez in quick fashion. Man, that Philly 3-4-5 is SCARY… if you’re a Phils fan.


Top 8: I’m officially not paying any attention anymore. Durbin is on to strike out, er, face Frenchy with two outs. And hey, look at that!! No, not that Frenchy struck out, but that he struck out LOOKING! Someone call a press conference. This from the same dude who would swing at a pick off attempt to first base. Despite the result of the at bat, this is promising.


Bot 8: Eight pitches, three outs. Need I say more?


Top 9: Why the hell is Lidge in the game? He retires two quickly and they pinch hit for Lidge as the dramatic horror movie score begins to play from the Atlanta bullpen. Lowe’s given up two hits over eight innings, just threw eight pitches to sit three guys and you’re not letting him finish it? Are you kidding me?? He’s in complete control out there!!


Bot 9: The surgically repaired Mike Gonzalez is on to close things out is this non-save situation. I trust this guy more than any arm that’s been in that bullpen since 2002 John Smoltz – which isn’t exactly saying much. Bruntlett pinch hits to lead off and doubles on the 4th pitch. Oh boy… Rollins with a sac fly to right, and Frenchy can’t gun Bruntlett down at third. Werth singles to left to break up the shutout as I’m ready to start throwing things in a minute. Peter Moylan and AA’s Favorite Relief Pitcher are warming up in the pen, which is the equivalent of choosing between Solly and Moose to pinch run for Sid Bream. Utley walks on five pitches and Howard steps in as the tying run. Jesus Christ… Maybe he’ll go 6-5-3 on the shift. Smart money says he ties the game here. But I am happily wrong! Carlos Howard looks at strike three and we got two down! Philly’s last chance rides on star free agent all-star future hall of famer acquisition Ibanez. Philly might as well pack it in. Ibanez works it full… but STRIKES OUT SWINGING! The Braves sweat out a 4-1 victory on opening night, yet I have NO IDEA why Lowe didn’t close it out.


No witty post game from me considering I didn’t finish watching the game til Thursday and I have no interest in listening to Morgan and Phillips talk about nothing.