The Microwave - All Time Royal Rumble

[An overhead shot of Madison Square Garden opens us up, and the shot fades into a wide shot of a jammed packed arena as Vince McMahon welcomes us from the broadcast area high overhead.  It quickly becomes apparent that this isn’t Mr. McMahon, but pleasant announcer Vince McMahon, circa 1990.]

VKM: Welcome to Madison Square Garden!  And welcome to the ALLLLLLLLL-TIME ROOOOYAL RUMMMMMMBLE!!  I’m Vince McMahon along with my partner Jesse “The Body” Ventura! [shot pans out to include both Vince and ‘88 era Jesse Ventura]

JV: McMahon, even you couldn’t ruin a spectacular event like this one!  I haven’t been this jacked since my DVD royalties for Predator started rolling in!

VKM: It’s going to be a special night here in the Big Apple, as the best Superstars from the Royal Rumble era have all returned for a one night only event.  Every Royal Rumble in history will be represented in the ring tonight!

JV: And every number drawn will be represented, too, McMahon.  So we could have 1995 Shawn Michaels come out at number 1 and... hell, McMahon, YOU come out as the #2 entrant from 1999!  I’d like to see that!

VKM: Well, anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation!  

JV: Yeah, no kidding, McMahon! We’re using a time machine to stage this match tonight!  I haven’t even tried to legalize prostitution in Minnesota yet!

VKM: Let’s go to ringside with J.R. and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan!

[2000 Jim Ross and 1992 Bobby Heenan are at the ringside announce table.]

JR: Well, thanks, Vince.  And Brain, what a concept for a match!  We’ve got Superstars from 1988.  We’ve got Superstars from 2008.  We’ve got everything in between and...

BH: And we’ve got Flair! And to be fair to Flair, you’ve got to acknowledge that Flair drew #30 in 2005.  And if he gets the same draw tonight, we might as well not even waste our time holding this match, JR.  It’s in the bag!

JR: He drew #1 in 1993 and 2007, too, Brain.  So he could be #1 tonight, too, you ever think about that?

BH: Ross, the man went an hour versus the strongest Rumble field in history and won the thing in 1992.  He’s not worried about it.

JR: Well, this certainly will be the strongest Rumble in terms of participants ever.  23 former World Champions in all.  We have no undercard here tonight.  This is the main event.  Let’s take it to The Fink!

[Howard Finkel is in the ring ready to announce the rules of this All-Time Royal Rumble match.]

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ALL-TIME ROYAL RUMBLE!  [cheers]  The rules of the Royal Rumble are as follows.  30 Superstars will compete, two will begin the match, every two minutes thereafter, another competitor enters the ring.  Elimination occurs when a Superstar is thrown over the top rope and both feet touch the floor.  Every Royal Rumble in history will be represented by participants in tonight’s match, and their order of entry will be determined by what number they drew in the year in which they represent.  After all 30 men have entered the match, the last man in the ring will be declared the winner!

#1 is 2004 Chris Benoit, drawing the biggest heel heat of all-time by the 2012 MSG crowd.  Not often you get to boo a murderer in a wrestling match five years after he killed two people and himself.  2004 Benoit, however, is perplexed by the reaction, but doesn’t care.  Heenan makes weight machine joke.  #2 is 2006 Rey Mysterio so prepare for the workrate.  They go at it with Rey bouncing all over the place and Benoit trying to keep him on the mat.  Rey escapes a couple of near-eliminations, and #3 is (did you expect any different?) 1992 Ric Flair.  Bobby loses it... again, and JR is up to the task in Monsoon’s role in poking and prodding him.  Helluva three way fight ensues between the three former Rumble winners, and it breaks down into the former Horsemen kicking the crap out of Rey until...

#4 is 1998 Rock!  Huge pop for the then-Intercontinental Champion.  But that Rock was a heel, and after making the big save and laying the smack down on Benoit and Flair, Rocky helps Rey up, only to toss him over the top to the floor to a mixed reaction.  Benoit gets knocked thru the ropes and to the floor, then it’s ROCK BOTTOM for the Nature Boy!  People’s Elbow and The Rock is playing it up big for the crowd.  But it’s time for #5 and it’s 1997 Steve Austin!  KICK WHAM STUNNER for Benoit and he gets tossed.  Austin gets as far as the KICK and the WHAM, but Flair flops before the Stunner, which leaves the Austin-Rock staredown of death!  Rights and lefts as the crowd explodes.  Austin reverses an Irish whio and it’s the LOU THESZ PRESS!!  RIGHT HANDS LIKE PISTONS!!  Rocky fights back and looks for Rock Bottom, but Austin elbows out and gets the STUNNER!  Rocky oversells it like a fish out of water and bounces over the top rope and is eliminated!  That segment took up the whole two minutes and...

#6 is 2001 Kane.  Austin says bring it on and Kane obliges, and despite his best efforts, Austin eats a chokeslam.  Flair pulls himself up and tries to make good with the big man, but Kane’s not buying that and Flair gets kicked down for his troubles.  Kane tosses Stone Cold, but Austin holds on and Flair clips Kane’s knee from behind.  Austin tackles Flair and they brawl, but turn around into a double clothesline from Kane as #7 is 1994 Diesel!  This could be interesting.  Diesel of course takes his time getting to the ring, allowing Kane to choke out both Flair and Austin.  Finally, it’s a staredown between Kane and Diesel, and that winds up with Kane eating a big boot. Side salto slam for Kane, and Austin takes Snake Eyes.  Flair tries chopping Diesel down, but that’s not gonna work, and Diesel plants Flair with the Jackknife powerbomb.  Kane’s back up and wants a chokeslam, but Diesel fights that off and tries to dump Kane.  Kane blocks that, but as they struggle along the ropes, Austin comes back and dumps both of them!  #8 is 2009 Randy Orton and Austin is less than impressed.  But before Orton can get to the ring, Flair drops Austin with a low blow and Orton pounces.  Orton and Flair double team Austin.  Orton misses an RKO, but Flair hot shots Austin onto the top rope and tries to flip him out, but Austin grabs the apron to block and pulls himself back in.  Austin and Flair get into a chop-off, and as soon as Austin gets the upper hand, Orton flies in with the RKO.  Orton goes for the elimination, but 1993 Mr. Perfect is #9 and Flair shits a brick.

Perfect kicks away Orton and then corners a cowering Flair.  Austin corners Orton, and they both STOMP A MUDHOLE AND WALK IT DRY!  Orton and Flair get whipped into each other and both flop face first to the mat.  Perfect loves it, but Austin catches him napping and turns him inside out with a clothesline.  Every man for himself.  Austin tries to toss Perfect, but he skins the cat back in.  Orton charges at him, but Perfect backdrops him over... onto the apron.  Orton snaps Perfect’s throat off the ropes, allowing for a great Curt Hennig selljob.  That’s all the opening Flair needs to unload on Perfect as 1995 Rick Martel is #10.  Martel gets some token offense in, but Orton sneaks up from behind and dumps him about 45 seconds later.  So we’re back to four.  Austin and Orton trade shots again as Flair chokes out Perfect in the corner.

#11 is 2005 Chris Jericho.  Jericho goes after Orton and Austin pulls Flair off Perfect.  Flair begs off, but Austin gives him the finger and stomps him down.  Jericho and Orton have it out, with Y2J getting the upper hand.  Perfect nails Austin from behind and tries to dump him out to no avail.  Jericho wants the Lionsault but just gets the knees of Orton, and Flair tosses Jericho over, but Jericho hangs on by a sliver and skins the cat back in, only to meet Flair and some chops.  #12 is 2008 C.M. Punk, and Punk and Perfect go at it in a dream match of sorts.  Orton tries a leapfrog on Austin, but gets caught and subsequently crotched on the top turnbuckle.  Austin climbs up and slugs away, and Orton falls to the apron, but rolls back in, only to see Austin turn around on the middle rope and hit a diving elbow.  Flair tries the figure four on Jericho, but Jericho counters into the Walls!  Flair’s  tapping but that’s worthless, and Punk lays out Jericho with a running enziguri.  

Perfect and Flair pair back off as #13 is 1988 Hacksaw Jim Duggan.  Hacksaw’s in with the 2x4 and the refs immediately try to wrest it from him.  That doesn’t work, and Hacksaw swings it around like a madman, sending everyone ducking for cover.  Punk sneaks up from behind though and get the Go To Sleep.  That reopens the Rumble for business, as everyone throws down, and Flair tosses Duggan over the top to eliminate him.  Perfect and Jericho square off and Jericho blocks the Perfectplex and looks for the Walls.  Perfect fights him off, so Jericho settles for... you guessed it... catapulting Perfect into the post, which sends Hennig staggering around the ring right into a Stone Cold Stunner!  Austin goes for the elimination, but Punk hooks him in the Anaconda Vice!  Flair and Orton stomp away at Austin until Jericho flies in with a spinning leg lariat and the buzzer sounds for #14...

And it’s 2003 Eddie Guerrero.  Eddie sneaks around and grabs the discarded 2x4, slides in, and wallops Punk to break the hold.  He laughs at his work, then tosses the 2x4 to Flair, and when Punk sees the Nature Boy with it, he tees off on him.  Perfect’s up and wants some of Guerrero while Orton and Jericho have at it again.  Flair stops Punk’s assault with a low blow, and Austin’s back in it now as we have a 7 man fight, becoming an 8 man fight upon #15: 1992 Roddy Piper.  This should be fun.  Piper storms the ring and punches everything that moves.  Orton down, Jericho down, Eddie down, Flair down, Perfect down, Punk down.  Austin, however, goes for the Stunner, but Piper catches the kick and gives him the Three Stooges eyepoke to a huge pop.  Piper settles on beating the ever loving hell out of Flair for old time’s sake.  While that’s going on, Orton lines up Jericho for an RKO, but he gets shoved off, and Eddie pulls the top rope down, sending Orton over and to the floor.  He’s pissed.  

2010 Miz is #16 and he stops to cut a promo about being awesome halfway down the aisle.  Once he gets in though, he’s not so awesome, and Piper immediately tosses him.  Eddie and Piper get into a cheat-off, between pulled hair, puled tights, foreign objects from the tights, using the ropes, which is broken up by Flair coming over to chop the hell out of both guys.  Austin and Jericho slug it out and Perfect and Punk fight in the corner.  #17 is 1996 Owen Hart and he goes right after Austin, allowing for an awesome Canadian double team along with Jericho.  Austin blocks the sharpshooter though, and Jericho charges out of control and gets dumped to the apron, where Perfect comes over and knocks him to the floor.  But Flair sneaks up behind Perfect and dumps him, too!  Piper pulls Flair back by the hair and sends him to the corner for a Flair Flip.  Flair runs the apron, of course, and goes up top, and Piper tries for a slam, but Flair goes to the eyes.  Piper then tries a superplex instead, but Eddie runs over and pushes Piper over the top and to the floor.  Flair flops back to the canvas.  Piper’s incensed and Eddie just shrugs.  But while Eddie’s mugging for the camera, Punk throws him over the top and to the floor, too!  Punk turns around into the Stunner, however, and Owen tosses him.  Austin tries the Stunner on Owen, but Owen counters that into the sharpshooter.  Austin tries for the ropes, but Owen drags hm back center of the ring.  But when Owen drags him back, Flair gets up, grabs him by the hair and tosses him from behind, leaving just Austin and Flair again.  Flair flops in celebration, having been in the match 30 minutes now.  Austin is down gathering his strength back when the buzzer sounds for #18...

And it’s 1991 Randy Savage!  Having never officially entered the ‘91 Rumble, the Macho King is determined to make up for it here, going right after Austin, kicking the hell out of him.  Flair ponders giving an assist, but opts to keep his distance.  Top rope elbow for Austin draws a big pop from the crowd, and Savage just keeps beating on him, drawing blood.  As soon as Flair steps into investigate, Savage drops him with a right hand and continues working over Austin.  Stone Cold tastes his own blood though, and fights back, and they slug it out in the middle of the ring until Flair blindsides both of them, knocking them thru the ropes and to the floor.  Flair thinks he’s got a moment, but #19 is 1999 Ken Shamrock, and Flair’s begging off before Shamrock even gets to the ring.  Needless to say, Shamrock decimates Flair with kicks, punches, and a belly to belly suplex.  Anklelock gets the worthless tap out, and Savage breaks the hold via a double axehandle from the top rope.  Austin follows back in and grabs Flair, so the four men pair off.  Savage chokes out Shamrock in the corner while Austin tries to dump Flair when the buzzer sounds for #20.  2005 Kurt Angle is out, complete with fireworks and the “You Suck” chant.  Angle does the whole spiel, complete with the spin in the center of the ring, but then realizes nobody is stopping to fight him.  So Angle goes over to break up Austin and Flair, but both guys turn and drop him with a knife edge chop.  Austin and Flair stomp down Angle in the corner, with Austin intermittently kicking Flair away.  Macho blindsides Austin, leaving Shamrock free to drop Flair with a belly to back suplex.  Another anklelock, but Angle breaks the hold, telling Shamrock he’d doing it wrong.  So Angle slaps the anklelock on Flair, who taps again.  Shamrock breaks that up and applies his own back on Flair.  Finally, Angle decides it’s not worth it and grabs the OTHER ankle and we’ve got a double anklelock.  This is DEFINITELY not fair to Flair!  With Savage and Austin tied up together, Flair is saved by, of all people, #21...

1990 Ultimate Warrior!  The crowd goes nuts as the Warrior storms the ring, clotheslines Angle and Shamrock.  Diving shoulderblock to Savage!  Austin gets walloped.  Shamrock gets clotheslined to the floor!  Angle gets tossed over, but holds on.  Savage tries some punches, but those get no-sold.  Austin’s go unsold as well.  Flair staggers up and Warrior hoists him up with the gorilla press, dropping him facefirst on the mat.  Austin and Savage realize the only way to deal with this lunatic is to team up on him and they set aside their differences for the time being and lay into Warrior, beating him down on the ropes.  Warrior keeps fighting up, but Savage isn’t having any of that.  Angle’s back over to help out, but he and Austin get into it, which ends up in Angle  hitting the Olympic Slam!  Macho King tries dumping Warrior the hard way to no avail and #22 is 2002 HHH!  Lights, entrance, water spit, the works, but Angle knocks HHH off the apron before he ever gets in!  Angle goes to the floor to work HHH over, which doesn’t go as planned, and HHH drags Angle back in.  HHH wants the Pedigree, but Angle backdrops out, but when Angle pops back up, Savage cloteslines him over and out to the floor!  HHH goes after Flair as Austin and the Warrior meet one on one in the middle of the ring.  Stunner is blocked, but Austin escapes the gorilla press and shoves Warrior over, but he hangs on.  Savage and Austin rush over to try to kick Warrior off the apron, but HHH comes thru and dispatches both of them.

#23 is 2007 Shawn Michaels, as the star power just keeps going up here.  Shawn and Hunter team up to beat down everything that moves.  Down goes Savage.  Down goes Austin.  Down goes Flair.  Down goes Warrior.  Superkick for Flair.  Pedigree for Warrior.  But Savage clocks Shawn with the scepter and kicks Helmsley in the balls to stop that little run.  Savage goes to the top, but before he can come down with the big elbow... #24 is 1991 Hulk Hogan!!  Macho King steps off, awaiting the Hulkster, WHEN THE MEGAPOWERS EXPLODE!!  Hogan naturally slugs him away.  Flair gets clobbered.  Warrior is back up and now it’s THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!  Hulk and the Warrior exchange lefts and rights, with Warrior getting the upper hand.  Hulk turns the tide, but Warrior avoids the big boot, but doesn’t avoid Sweet Chin Music that sends him over the top and to the floor!

2001 Undertaker is #25 and it’s his yard and all that stuff.  DX keeps their distance, trying to come up with a plan.  Hogan works over Savage, so when Austin jumps Michaels in the corner, that leaves only Flair for Taker to go crazy on.  And he does.  Old School, chokeslam, Last Ride, and Flair might be dead.  Taker’s gonna spread the wealth though and goes to beat down HHH, peppering in shots to Austin and Michaels, too.  Taker turns for Hogan, though, and Hogan’s not having any of that.  Taker gets the finger wave, but he counters that with a big boot to the face, and that puts Hogan down.  Savage is on that like a shark smelling blood, and the Macho King puts the beats on the Hulkster.  #26 is 2000 Big Show, and he wastes no time in helping Savage beat down Hogan.  Taker isolates Austin and goes to work on him, while Michaels goes to dump Flair, but Flair somehow hangs on the apron.  Show with a chokeslam for Hogan, and Macho hits the big elbow!!  No Hulk Up here, but Savage gets greedy and wants another one, so HHH calmly walks over and shoves him off the top and to the floor!  Taker and Show have their big man showdown, with neither guy getting much of an advantage.

#27 is 2011 Jack Swagger and it doesn’t look too good for him.  Sure enough, Swagger’s in, and Taker and Show put him right out with a double chokeslam elimination!  Austin is up.  Flair is up.  Whip to the corner, and Flair does the Flair Flip.  Austin goes for the kill and clotheslines him, but Flair hangs onto the bottom rope and slides back in.  HHH jumps Austin from behind, and gets help from Michaels, but Taker jumps into help.  Show and Hogan have it out, and Hogan slams the big man!  Flair clips Hogan’s knee though and goes to work on it, dragging him to the ropes, and placing his ankle on the middle rope.  Flair jumps on the knee, and directs Show to do the same. But when Show lines Hogan’s leg up, Flair grabs Show’s knee and dumps him to the  floor!  He outsmarted him, much to the delight of Heenan.  The joy doesn’t last long, however, as #28 is 2004 John Cena!  Cena cuts a freestyle rap on the way to the ring, then unloads on Flair.  Cena helps Hogan to his feet, and the two of them go to town on Flair before the Nature Boy decides he’s had enough and rolls out of the ring to escape the beating.  This leads to a six way brawl between Austin, HHH, Shawn, Hogan, Taker, and Cena.  In the melee, HHH turns on Shawn and tries to toss him, but Shawn skins the cat back in.  Michaels is pissed and superkicks HHH, only to get eliminated by Taker!  

Shawn’s irate, and HHH is amused at Shawn’s tantrum, only to have Hogan clothesline HIM out, too!  Upon exiting, Shawn grabs Flair and throws him back into the ring, where Cena and Hogan are waiting for him.  Flair tries to run, but Cena grabs him and plants him with the F-U!  Hogan goes for the elimination but instead gets the STONE COLD STUNNER!  And it’s a good one, too, complete with Austin getting down in Hogan’s face with some choice words.  #29 is 2003 Brock Lesnar!  Brock immediately  goes after Hogan, but can’t toss him.  Cena and Austin square off, but that gets interrupted by Taker, who decks both guys.  Tombstone for Cena, but Cena reverses to his own!  But Taker reverses back to HIS own and plants him!  Flair’s back to his feet but gets welcomed by Lesnar, and Flair bumps all the way across the ring.  Taker drags Cena up and goes to dump him, but Cena catches him in a chokehold, pulls Taker over the top, too, and hangs on while somehow leveraging Taker to the floor!  That doesn’t sit well with the Dead Man, and Taker rolls back in and kills Cena dead with a Chokeslam From Hell.  Taker spits his tobacco juice on Cena for good measure.  Time for our final entrant, who of course is...

1989 Ted Dibiase, who bought #30 off Slick in one of the all-time great angles.  All the money in the world doesn’t help him here though, as Austin’s waiting on him.  Lou Thesz Press!  Right hands!  Hogan’s back up and gets some of the Million Dollar Man, as well.  Austin with an inverted atomic drop on Dibiase, who sells it like he’s been shot.  And Cena staggers up long enough to backdrop Dibiase over and out!  But Lesnar comes across and clotheslines the hell out of Cena, sending him over and out to the floor!  This leaves a Final Four of Flair, Austin, Hogan, and Lesnar.  Flair wants nothing to do with Lesnar, resulting in another Flair Flip, but this time Hogan grabs Flair on the way to the adjacent turnbuckle and rams his head into the post, sending him to the floor after 59 minutes in the ring!  Heenan loses it, saying he’s suing Hogan for everything he’s worth.  However, as the Hulkster as words for Flair, he turns around into the F5!! This leaves Austin and Lesnar to have a staredown... only to see Hogan HULK UP!!  Austin and Lesnar can’t believe it, and Hulk’s no-selling everything now.  Down goes Austin.  Big boot for Lesnar.  Big boot for Austin, though, is blocked and it’s the STUNNER!!  Hogan staggers around, and Lesnar dumps Hulk!!  It’s Austin vs. Lesnar, and Austin tries for the quick elimination, but Brock holds on.  Stunner is blocked.  Austin slips off the back on the F5 attempt, but a second Stunner try see Lesnar catch Austin’s foot and clothesline his head off.  Lesnar tries for the elimination, but Austin grabs the top rope to block and goes with the trusty low blow instead.  One more try at the Stunner, but Lesnar wraps Austin in an inverted bearhug and hits a belly to back suplex.  Lesnar misses a charge, and Austin opens up on him, mudholes and whatnot.  Middle finger for Brock!  Lesnar responds with one of his own!  That pisses Austin off even more, and Austin stalks back to the corner, but Lesnar suckers him in and grabs him for the F5... and slings Austin out to the floor for the win!!  Brock Lesnar wins the All-Time Royal Rumble at 63:12!!


[Author’s note: Trying to figure out how to get every number and every year represented without duplicating anyone was quite tough.  I think the biggest omission for me was Bret Hart, who I’d originally pegged in at #21, but all the moving parts meant I had to sacrifice someone, and much like Vince McMahon, I realized I’d much rather have Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker in my Rumble, so I screwed Bret out of his spot.  If there’s a better combination of guys to put in such a match, see if you can figure it out.  Calculating the wrestlers and the entry order on this thing was a lot of fun.]