iMPACT Recap March 15, 2012
iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now, cue MY music!
-Sting has arrived. He looks confused. He must be drunk on power because he just realized that he booked himself in the main event of a pay per vew THIS SUNDAY against Your World Champion, Ravishing Bobby Roode, for no good reason. He’s also booked an OMG MAINEVENTCONTRACTSIGNING! That always goes well. At least it isn’t even a title match. The top match is saved for...
-James Storm, who is in the ring to tell us all about how he gets a title shot at the pay per view they aren’t trying to sell for this Sunday. Playboy Bully Ray has something to say about that. He actually remembers that there is a ppv this Sunday and he’s decided that he is going to beat James Storm and take away his title shot. James is fed up with all the talking so he wants to fight RIGHT NOW! So Bully decides he should fight Gunner for no apparent reason. So yeah, Gunner vs James Storm, TONIGHT!
-Backstage, Gail and Madison are still yammering on like chicks do about what happened in their last match. They come up on Sting who decides to put them each in singles competition. Madison’s match is NEXT!
-Apparently TNA has an All-Hooker basketball team, that they use to promote their merchandise sale.
-Next, we have a video package where Bobby Roode makes the very good point that its absurd that Sting has booked himself in the main event at Victory Road this Sunday when there are a bunch of guys who are way more deserving. True dat Bobby, True dat...
-It’s Knockouts Time! Madison Rayne is set to take on Velvet Love. The X-Division gets all the attention in TNA but their women’s matches are first class. This was a helluva match from two competitors who are both under the age of 30, Andy. Mid match, Maddy hits a brutal looking (read: not botched) neckbreaker on the vanilla one. It was as stiff as I was getting watching this match. The win comes when Maddy gets Angelina Sky with a roll-up. She got a handful of panties and we got a face full of ass crack. This is easily the match of the night so far. 5 Stars!
-Backstage we see Crimson Piggy-backing Matt Morgan around the locker room gloating about how he got the win last week and he’s still undefeated. Matt says that’s all well and good but he actually wants a chance to do something when they have their title shot this Sunday at Victory Road. Crimson just laughs. We also find out that he’ll be facing the evil foreigner Samoa Joe. NEXT!
-Samoa Joe against Crimson is pretty textbook pre-ppv booking here. Very entertaining match, both guys look very strong. There is surprisingly little outside interference until the end when Morgan distracts Joe long enough for Crimson to hit Joe with the spear for the win. Tag team match of the night without a doubt. 5 smartly booked stars.
-In the ring, Triple A Austin Aries proves to us that he is better at math than Scott Steiner and explains how he is the longest running X division Champ of all time. He also makes a point of stating that he has done so without paralyzing anyone. Uttering the “P” word obviously brings out Zema the Paralyzer Ion who reminds us of course that even though Aries escaped last week, He’s still going to paralyze him on PPV. I kid you not, he actually said “I’m going to do to you what I did to Jesse Sorrenson.” That’s some classy shit right there... Anyway the segment ends with Aries spraying champagne everywhere and messing up the Paralyzers hair.
-In the parking lot, Joseph Park is back and he’s found Gunner. He askes Gunner if he’s seen Abyss but Gunner says he’s not supposed to talk to strangers and walks away. Park appears befuddled.
-EY and ODB are backstage trying to figure out where they are going to get married. I bet they decide to do it in the ring. Yup, there it is... I’m not sure even EY will be able to salvage this one.
-Kurt Angle has a backstage segment where he calls New Bishoff a bitch and rants about how he hates Jeff Hardy. Remember when Kurt’s backstage segments used to be funny and dumb? Now they seem to be mostly scary and sad...
Finally ITS KNOCKOUTS TIME! Gail Kim takes on Redneck Micky James! Gail makes great use of ring psychology by spending 10 minutes working on Mickey’s knee. James then decides to no-sell all that work by busting out a kip-up for no fucking reason. So Gail of course does what anyone would do after that. She smokes James in the head with her belt and gets the pin. Until the end, this was easily the match of the night! 5 stars for build-up!
-Backstage Christopher Daniels, Kazarian, and Mr Anderson step all over each others lines so much, I feel like I’m watching a live episode of Flawedcast. I could barely make sense of it but what I was able to discern was that Daniels and Anderson have a match, and IT’S NEXT!!
-Finally, Mr Anderson HAS COME BACK to iMPACT sTUDIOS!! Great match here. If Anderson wasn’t such an asshole, he’d still be in the WWE I bet. The Professor Mike Tenay decides to give us a lecture about Stockholm Syndrome which is factually accurate but the situation between Kaz and Daniels, no matter how many times they try to convince us, isn’t an example of it. Hard fought battle here. Daniels even gets his cheek busted open hardway. A really good match gets the pre ppv ending you’d not expect when Anderson gets a clean pinfall as AJ and Kaz fight outside the ring. Hotshot feud of the night! 5 Stars.
-Jeff Hardy is backstage blaming Kurt Angle for costing him the World Title and threatening him by letting him know that he’s the Charismatic Enigma because there is nothing more menacing than an enigma.
-Next, we’re blessed with a Kurt Angle Invitational 5 Minute Challenge featuring Garret Bishoff. I am having a hard time mustering any enthusiasm for this one especially since Bishoff ends up surviving the 5 minutes because Angle refuses to pin him. Without a doubt it was the best five minute match of the night. 5 stars for the timekeeper! After the match Jeff Hardy decides to come out and chase off Kurt by getting all enigmatic up in this bitch! In other words, he stood around trying not to seem drunk.
-If anyone cares, we find out that Robby E is issuing another open challenge for the TV title at the ppv because it went so well last time as an impromptu filler match after Jesse Sorrenson got paralyzed.
- Tenay and Taz run down the line up at Victory Road and it seems that we have about 15 matches on the card. That’s going to be one hell of a long recap!
-Finally it’s time for James Storm and Gunner in a What’s The Point of Us Fighting Match. If you don’t care about storyline, this was actually a pretty good match. Pretty textbook big-man stuff here from guys who aren’t that big even if each is about 3 Corbitt’s tall. PUNSHOUSE.COM! A GIANT back body drop nearly kills Gunner. Storm wins with a Sweetchinmusic and decides to not bother with a post match celebration. Why would he? He beat Gunner.
-It’s MAIN EVENT CONTRACT SIGNING TIME!! Thank goodness Jeremy Borash is there to moderate. Surprisingly both combatants sign the contract without any issuHOLD THE DAMNED PHONE!! The Ravishing one has something to say! He’s here to tell all you fat lazy sweathogs to shut your mouths and let all the ladies see how a real man handles a contract signing. Bobby utters the word ass and it gets bleeped, but earlier Mr Anderson flat out said asshole and it got through clean. Bobby brings up the fact that Sting is clearly jealous of Roode because he’s turned in to a sad old man. No arguments here... Roode makes that point about 15 different ways before Sting finally explodes and it turns in to the contract signing we’d expect. These two aren’t going to wait for Victory Road!!
But we are.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to MNFScott@gmail.com
See you later tonight with your Victory Road Recap!!!!
Your Pal
2HoT
Victory Road 2012 Recap for March 18
Victory Road is filmed in an actual arena. Oh wait, nope. Still the shitty iMPACT zone.
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here back again with YOUR VICTORY ROAD RECAP!!, Now, cue MY music!
-A video package reminds us that even though Sting is old, he’s still going to kick the crap out of Bobby Roode.
-Oh great, Tenay and Taz announce that they are going to be responding to tweets throughout the show. #awesome.
-Playboy Bully Ray is here to hold us all hostage until his match with James Storm gets turned in to a number one contenders match. The crowd chants “We Want Devon” the whole time. He bullies the audience till he gets what he wants because that’s the kind of message we want to send.
-Bully Vs James Storm in a #1 contenders match because throwing a tantrum always gets you what you want in Pro Wrasslin. The match lasted all of two minutes when Bully decided to take Storm’s beer, ate a sweetchinmusic and got pinned. Sorry about your damned wasted buildup. Squash of the night! 5 Stars!
-Backstage Triple A Austin Aries reminds us that he doesn’t have to be in the last match of the night to be the main event. I guess he doesn’t understand what Main Event means.
-Bring on the Spot Monkeys! Pre match splash graphic reminds us that Aries is the longest running X-Division Champ of all time. Tenay says that Ion showed no remorse for Jesse Sorrenson broke his neck. Basically blaming Jesse for having his neck broken. Zema the Paralyzer Ion is looking to snap Aries’s win streak as well as his neck. The match kicks off with a fun little float-over tutorial. Aries dumps Ion hard to the outside and decides to wait for him to get back in the ring by live tweeting. Zema hit the infamous moonsault to the outside. This might have paralyzed a lesser man. Thankfully this is no ordinary jobber we’re dealing with here. Being unable to paralyze him with that, he decides to try to blind him with hairspray. I didn’t realize it was so lethal. Thankfully Aries no-sells that like the champ he is. He hits his brutal looking finisher, a brainbuster that floats over in to some sort of neck-wrenching submission. Zema realizing that it might actually be he who ends up getting paralyzed, decides to tap out. Good choice. Great X-division Match. 5 fast paced stars!
-A video package eludes to the return of the Motor City Machine Guns. I guess Sabin is healthy again. Good thing too because Girls Name Alex Shelly was going nowhere as a single.
-Video recaps the tag team Title feud. If you want to know what happened, go listen to past episodes cause I aint recappin shit I could barely make interesting the first time...
-World Tag Team Title is on the line when Matt Morgan and Crimson take on the champs, the Evil Foreigners Magnus and Samoa Joe. Crimson doesn’t want to leave anything to chance here so he tries to wrestle the entire match by himself. He is undefeated after all. It’s like an old edition of the Smackdown videogame where it was so bloody impossible to make tags that you just didn’t bother. Crimson gassed out so bad mid match I thought I was watching Randy Orton fight. Morgan manages to tag himself in and makes a pretty good fight of it. Crimson goes to leave then decides to come back and spear Morgan, allowing the champs to take advantage. This is awesome for the champs because Morgan and Crimson breaking up means that they’re the only tag team left in the organization. They win!! At least till the MCMG get back.
-Jeremy Borash is back stage with Ravishing Bobby Roode and he wants all the fat lazy sweathogs to shut their mouths and let the ladies see how a real man ends Sting’s career. James Storm shows up to remind him that he’s looking for a fight at Lockdown. Still? Sheesh. This guy is persistent. Then he takes a piss on Borash’s leg.
-It’s Open Challenge Time with Robby E. As an aside, can someone tell me when it became cool to wear rosaries? Apparently the Jersey boys are opening the challenge up to the audience as well as the locker room. Finally Devon comes out of the crowd to stop the pain of this skit. Robby goes for a steel chair and some hooker in the audience grabs it out of his hands. Wait, that’s Brook Hogan. What a pointless cameo. Oh and Devon beats Robby with a closeline. Your new Television Champ, DEEEVONNN DUDLEEEEE! Chaotic match of the night! 5 Testifying Stars!!
-More recapping is up next. This time it’s the Knockouts title feud. It sure is hard to keep a tag team together in this place
-It’s Knockouts Time!! Champion Gail Kim takes on Challenger Madison Rayne for the Knockouts Championship title. The Knockouts Tale of the tape has no actual stats but is chocked full of DRAMA! There was some stiff offense in this one including Gail just creaming Maddy with a missile dropkick from the top rope. They have Taz reading fan tweets but he never actually learned to read so that goes about as well as you would expect. Gail manages to get a clean pinfall victory to, I guess, extend the feud? Either way it’s definitely a Match of the Night contender. 5 stars for big tits and boy hips!
-The Lone Ranger and Tonto are backstage with big JB to let us all know how they are going to make the white man pay for the crimes they’ve committed against my people. Oh, and they’re going to beat AJ and Anderson as well.
-Christopher Daniels and Kazarian take on AJ and Mr Anderson in a “What is the point of this feud?” match. Anderson is sporting a big swollen shiner allegedly from a live event against Daniels. Match ups of this caliber are the reason we watch wrestling let alone buy pay per views. This match was first class from top to bottom. Communication started to break down between Kaz and Daniels. Keeping heel teams together seems to be an impossible task around here. This match was full of decent sequences but no real holy shit moments. AJ ends up hitting a Styles Clash on Kazarian and gets the clean win. This really does nothing to advance the feud that I am having difficulty finding the point of anyway. Oh well, the match was tight. It was probably the match of the night. 5 pointless yet quality stars.
-Kurt Angle is hanging backstage with JB. He gives a shout out to his kids and lets them know he doesn’t like them to watch violent television and even tho they love Jeff Hardy, he wants them to stay up late to watch him BEAT JEFF HARDY TO DEATH!!
-Video package has Jeff Hardy saying that Kurt is just jealous of him. Kurt says he’s not jealous. He says that Hardy looks like a woman. He says he wants to kick this woman’s ass.
-It’s Match Time! Kurt Angle takes on Jeff Hardy in a no disqualification match I think. Lots of back and forth action in this one. I think. I was barely paying attention at this point. It seems every time I looked at the screen, the two were resting. Old folks do need their rest mind you. Hardy did kick out of an Angle Slam and then didn’t cover after a Twist of Fate for no reason. Hardy nearly misses a Swanton Bomb and his landing is pretty sick. Angle kicks out of it and rolls through, grabbing the ropes to get the pin. Perhaps not the decisive victory he was looking for but who cares. A win is a win. What I saw of this match was great though. I’ll give it 5 intermittent stars!
So finally, it’s MAIN EVENT TIME! Sting is sporting a half Crow/Half Joker facepaint to remind us that he watches too many movies. This is a No Holds Barred match. I wonder if Zeus will show up and kill everyone. Fingerscrossed! Thankfully it’s a non title match as well considering they already jobbed Roode out to Sting on free TV leading in to the last PPV. The match progresses about how you’d expect with Sting doing lots of punching and resting and Roode doing all the work and selling his ass off. At one point Roode gets too close to Brook Hogan on the outside and she tries to blow him. Weird and interesting ending when the two tease a spot involving a set up steel chair in the ring. It appears they’re past it when Sting goes for a reverse DDT on Roode and smokes the back of his head in to the seat of the chair. It was definitely a holy shit moment if it wasn’t planned and if it was, it was damned cool. Anyway, with Sting unconscious, Rood got the easy 3 count. Post match, Roode Duct Tapes Sting to the ring ropes and proceeds to get all Chris Brown up in Dixie Carter. Roode is such a good heal that it was getting genuinely uncomfortable when we faded to black. There are so many reasons this was the match of the night, not the least of which was that they let the champ actually win. This one gets 5 non sarcastic stars.
-Overall I have to say this was a pretty damned good show. It was missing some EY and ODB to be sure but for what it was, it was probably even worth the money. If you missed it, I’d even recommend going and finding it somewhere...
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.com
See you next week!!!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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