iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now since you better not forget it again, Cue MY Music!
-Also, never going to miss another music cue, huh? Tell you what. If it’s underlined, cue it. Got that?
-It’s OPEN FIGHT NIGHT! We open back stage with Real American Hulk Hogan and the 4 contenders from last week as we hope to find out who will get his title shot against the champ tonight and attempt to end his attempt to become the longest running champ in TNA history. Hogan goes in to this long monolog about a bunch of inside shit that no one cares about and tries to get the four to argue about why they should get their shot. Hogan decides, after about two hours of talking, that twenty year veteran “Every Segment” Bully Ray should be eliminated from contention for the title shot because he is too green.
-In the ring, everybody is Kung Fu Fighting, as Gail Kim comes out to drop some ancient Chinese secrets on our asses. She lets us know that she is the most important woman in this company and that the fact that the Knockouts title is held by a man and also Eric Young. She decides that they do great dishonour the Knockouts famarie and must be dispatched!
-EY and ODB take on Gail Kim and Madison Rayne in a Boy and Lady Vs Lady and Ladyboy Knockouts Non-Title Tag Match. Gail and EY start things of and it goes about as you’d expect with EY shrugging off most of Gail’s offence before tagging in ODB to come smash her box in to everything that moves and most things that don’t. The match goes back and forth for quite a while and at one point EY loses his pants. Mid match, Tenay randomly announces on the air that Brooke Hogan is in charge of the Knockouts Division now as a throwaway line even though it hasn’t been announced in any way ahead of their move to live broadcast next week. Way to go Tenay, you spoilerin jackass. The end of the match comes when Madison distracts ODB from the outside, allowing Gail to ambush her like some kind of ninja and get the pin. This was an exciting and fast paced match of the night contender for sure. 5 stars for the stellar performance put on in the ring, and negative 5 stars to Tenay for being a giant tool.
-Backstage, the champ is here!! He walks past a camera and goes in to a room. Riveting.
-As you recall, it’s Open Fight Night, and as a result, Bob Van Damn is heading to the ring to let his mouth do the talking! Apparently while he was fighting for the world title, he was letting some unfinished business go umm, unfinished? Brilliant. Anyway, he wants to fight Gunner. Outstanding. Well, we know Gunner isn’t doing anything important so it’s on! This is your textbook main-eventer VS glorified jobber match. Lots of stiff shots thrown in this one. The two went back and forth for almost a full minute and a half before Bob hit a frog splash from down town and got the three count. Way to go Bob, you just had a potential match of the night against Gunner... 5 stars for obvious booking choices.
- In the ring, RBD is here to tell us that as the TV Champ, he is required to defend his belt on iMPACT every single week (except last week for some unknown reason). Tonight he’s decided that New Bishoff will be his opponent this week because when you have to defend every week, the last thing you want is a credible challenger. I am not sure if this is slightly better or slightly worse than having to watch RBD fight a Robbie for the seventy fifth time. Speaking of the Robbies, they come out to attack both of the in-ring competitors. No Contest. Champ Retains. It’s hard to call this a match, but in spite of that, it might be the match of the night. 5 stars for adding an albatross to an already sinking ship.
-Backstage, Real American Hulk Hogan is again wondering who he’s going to have challenge Ravishing Bobby Roode for the World Title tonight. He again gets in to a bunch of inside shit that no one cares about before eliminating Ed Hardy from contention because he’s clearly not prepared as he slouches in his chair smelling like PBR and covered in vomit. He then tells both the remaining choices to get ready because thankfully we’re taking this to the ring!
-Hey, remember how it’s Open Fight Night? “Every Segment” Bully Ray does, and as far as he’s concerned, that means he can challenge Renown Chicago Lawyer and obviously non wrestler *wink, Joseph Park. Joseph decides that Bully should be tried for the disappearance of his brother Chris Youknowabyss. I’ve watched enough Law and Order to know that this is complete horseshit and apparently so does Bully because he does exactly what I would have done in that situation. Kicked him square in the nuts and walked away. Thanks Bully. I am in your debt.
-It’s GUT CHECK TIME. This is the gimmick were some indy jobber gets the chance to try out for a TNA Contract. It’s kind of like what the WWE calls a Dark Match, except everyone gets to see it! This gut checker is Joey Ryan. He gets to try out against a man twice his size: Triple A Austin Aries. True to TNA tradition, the match is booked to make Ryan look strong, and the longest running X-Division champ of all time, look weak as shit. Ryan did manage to blow a few spots and almost sandbag Aries finisher. Man, it takes some real skill to make Aries look like shit. This match had all the pacing of an Undertaker/Kane match. That said, it was still easily the tryout match of the night. 5 Stars for hoping they give this guy a contract and make him fight Zema Ion.
-Since Slamiversary is coming soon, we get a video package of Hulk Hogan not putting people over.
- Apparently since we still don’t know who the challenger is, it’s MAIN EVENT TIME! The champ, Ravishing Bobby Roode makes his way to the ring. I guess it’s Ring Entrances for EVERYBODY! as AJ, Kurt, and Hogan all make their way to the ring as well. The Real American takes one more chance to bore us with inside shit that no one cares about before letting us know that it will be AJ that Roode gets to beat to become the longest running champ in TNA history. Incidentally, that honour is currently held by AJ himself. I think the writers might have accidentally stumbled in to layers of storytelling. I guess a room full of monkeys at typewriters was bound to come up with something eventually. Also if Roode wins, Hogan has to throw him a party. This was about as good a main event as a person could ask for from two stellar performers. It went back and forth with many near falls and near submissions. Near the end of the match, two thirds of the KKK decide to come out to the entrance platform to watch. This distracts AJ enough that he blows a spot and gets caught in the most devastating Fisherman’s Suplex in history and goes down for the count. There’s no doubt that this was the match if the night if only for making the right booking choice. 5 stars for having an actual torch be passed.
-As you know, wrestlers always cut better promos when they’re out of breath so Bobby Roode gets on the stick to tell Hogan to get out to the ring to get drunk with him. Hogan obliges but then starts prattling on about more inside shit that no one cares about including letting us know that the show is in a new time-slot starting next week but is mercifully not going to be three hours long. Suddenly the lights go out. This never ends well. The lights come back on. OMG Taz! What’s Steve Borden doing in the iMPACT ZONE?!?! Attacking the champ, that’s what. How’s this going to end?!?! Stupidly most likely. But we’ll have to wait till next week to find out.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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