The Microwave - Tale of the Tape: Avengers vs. Independence Day

The VP kidnapped/bribed me to go to the theater with her Saturday night. Me going out to see a new movie is the equivalent of John Tortorella partaking in a game of 21 questions with the New York media. It just doesn’t happen. You can count the non-kid movies I’ve seen in the theater in the past 8 years on one hand: The Expendables, Rush Hour 3, Rocky Balboa, Collateral. That’s it – that’s the list. (Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, Despicable Me, and Cars do not count.)

I also have a genetic disdain for any movie that requires me to completely suspend my disbelief for two hours. I can handle one plot point of disbelief, but beyond that, I’m out. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and anything where the main character has supernatural powers draws immediate ridicule from a guy like me. Shoeless Joe Jackson appearing out of thin air decades after he died? That’s cool.  Doc Brown building a time machine? No problem. But if you’re doing shit with a wand, a ring, a suit of armor, a hammer, a shield, or if you spontaneously turn into a giant green badass with a simple insult, I’m laughing your ass out of the theater.


Given those first two paragraphs, my viewing of The Avengers on Saturday night was a potential trainwreck of epic proportions.


For the most part, however, it was fairly amusing. For someone going in basically blind, I thought the beginning was a bit slow, but necessary, particularly for someone like me who had no clue what this movie was going to be about. The middle portion in which the plot was pushed along was really well done, even if the revolutionary boat that turns into an airship was brought down by two plumbers in Super Mario Bros. 3 more than 20 years ago. And the climatic finish… well, the only thing left was for 1987 Hulk Hogan to show up and drop the big legdrop on the bad guy and pose for the crowd.  Ridiculously over the top, ending never in doubt, completely unbelievable and utterly impossible.


I can see why the geeks out there eat this shit up.


It’s a good movie. It’s not the 8.6 or whatever the hell the dorks have voted it up at IMDB – because that would put it in the same company as films such as Forrest Gump, Se7en, Saving Private Ryan, The Departed, and To Kill a Mockingbird, a notion which is preposterous – but it was entertaining crap. The parallels between it and a summer blockbuster of nearly a generation ago, though, are far too numerous to overlook. The film in question comes in on the admittedly flawed IMDB scale at a 6.7, which is probably where I’d stick The Avengers. The film in question also saw the world at risk from invaders from another planet. The film in question was also a jingoistic, predictable, pile of popcorn that made a shitload of bank at the box office. Let’s break this baby down:

THE AVENGERS vs. INDEPENDENCE DAY

American Badass: Captain America vs. Capt. Steven Hiller

It’s pretty hard to top a dude with the name “Captain America” as the prerequisite badass defending the Stars & Stripes. World War II hero, wears the colors, has a shield that blocks all. But come on, is Chris Evans going to spin his Captain America role into billions of dollars of income over the next 15 years on this performance? No, no he’s not. Will Smith played the fairly undeveloped character of Hiller with so much gusto and charisma that he parlayed it into being arguably been the biggest movie star of the past decade. And he didn’t need to hide behind a friggin shield. Flying jets and UFO’s and dragging smelly ass aliens thru the desert, talking shit the entire time? I’m taking the sheer screen presence of Smith over anything Captain America brings to the table. Hiller, in what should be an upset, but rather what looks like an instance in which the wrong team was favored. ADVANTAGE: ID4

Brain Power: Iron Man vs. David Levinson

Now THIS is an ass whipping. Goldblum gets his shit packed in by Downey. David is a meek, scientific dude working at a TV station who stumbles upon alien transmissions. He proceeds to clumsily stagger thru the remainder of the movie, delivering stilted dialogue, with his only saving grace being that he’s the smart one of the bunch. Tony Stark has no such problems, being the genius, witty, ladies’ man that cruises thru every situation he’s in. Maybe a little too easy, but we’ll look at that later. HUGE ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

The Different Guy: Thor vs. Russell Casse

Another one sided beatdown. Thor comes from this other galaxy with this badass hammer. The VP also chimes in, noting he looks like he’s straight out of a bad romance novel based in Scotland, so bonus points there. Or he loses points there, based upon your opinion. Either way, Chris Hemsworth kicks ass and he looks good doing it. The bumbling Casse, on the other hand, gave us bad acting (not necessarily a bad thing), bad jokes (definitely a bad thing), but perhaps the most real of the multiple storylines behind the ID4 alien invasion: a dad trying to do his best for his kids. Good idea in principle, bad idea in practice with friggin RANDY QUAID as the dad. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

Hey, We Need One More on the Good Guy Side: The Incredible Hulk vs. Julius Levinson

The Hulk’s involvement in The Avengers felt quite a bit forced, like they said, “We’ve got this other badass over here and we don’t know what to do with him.” Did they REALLY have to bring in Dr. Bruce Banner for his scientific knowledge when Stark had the capability to do his homework and learn EVERYTHING IN ONE NIGHT? But they needed an excuse to get the big green guy some action, even if his role on the team didn’t feel organic at all. As for David’s father in Independence Day, his reason for being there was to show his son that he needed to loosen up – and to carry Goldblum’s scenes for him.  Julius at least provided some comic relief at times, but he wasn’t necessary to the film at all. He was a plot prop, nothing more. At least the Hulk caught Iron Man on the way down. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

The Leader: Nick Fury vs. President Whitmore

One would assume that Samuel L. Jackson would wipe the floor with Bill Pullman in this department.  I mean, the guy from Pulp Fiction, Juice, Die Hard with a Vengeance, and SHAFT ought to make a phenomenal leader. What’s Pullman got on his resume? Spaceballs? Have you LOOKED at his IMDB page? It is BRUTAL. But somehow, Fury comes off as paranoid and losing control from within, whereas Whitmore is having his control ripped from him by a diabolical ememy… until he wrests it back with one of the all-time great (read: ridiculously corny) movie speeches. Blood on some trading cards? Nick Fury, sit your ass down. Today is our Independence Day! ADVANTAGE: ID4

Hot Chicks: Natasha & Pepper vs…. Vivica A. Fox?

It’s clear that studios hadn’t quite figured out the sex appeal thing yet in 1996. This isn’t even a fight, it’s a forfeit. DEFAULT ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

We’re Doin It For Johnny: Coulson vs. Capt. Jimmy Wilder

Someone’s gotta take one for the team in these types of flicks. These were the two poor saps that drew the short stick. I guess Coulson was one of Fury’s right hand men, but I was given little reason otherwise to care about him. I had to look his name up, that’s how much of an impact he made in the film. Jimmy, on the other hand, cracked jokes with Hiller for the first part of ID4, and while we didn’t have a huge vested interest when the aliens finally shot him out of the sky, it was a slight bummer to see Harry Connick, Jr. out of the movie so early. Instead, we were left with Smith and Pullman carrying a bunch of stiffs to a watchable film. ADVANTAGE: ID4

Random Good Guy Who Doesn’t Do Much: The Chick with Fury vs. Robert Loggia

I know NEITHER of their names. That’s ok, because their names don’t matter. They were just there to give the other good guys means to which further the plot along via conversation and/or action. The girl in The Avengers at least got to shoot some people. But none of her scenes were memorable. Loggia didn’t do much, but he managed to come across as the old badass military guy in every scene, despite his lesser role. Nobody’s going to quote whatever that girl’s name is next week. But everyone knows that El Toro was indeed completely destroyed, thanks to Mr. Loggia’s fine work. ADVANTAGE: ID

The Bad Guy: Loki vs. Razor Ramon.  Wait, check that…
The Bad Guy: Loki vs. The Aliens

Loki was a ridiculous character, played totally over the top by whoever the guy is. Some might call it bad acting, but I call it good entertainment for a ridiculous flick such as this one. The rest of the movie is unbelievable, so why should the villain be the least bit believable? Hilariously bad. He was my favorite part of the movie. I could at least halfway believe the Aliens in Independence Day, even if they were bland. Why would the Aliens have much to do with puny earthlings like us? Do you cut a promo on ants when you step all in their antpile? No, so neither should have the Aliens. Their big thing was being able to communicate with telepathy and having badass ships with their “primary weapon.” Loki spoke English (even to mass crowds of Germans – which makes perfect sense, right?), could like clone himself and be two places at once and carried a cool staff thing that he could like brainwash guys with. Even if he was totally ridiculous, he was at least fun. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

The Plot: Bad Guy Steals Big Ice Thing, Uses It to Open the Space Time Galaxy Black Hole Continuum, Tries to Turn All the Good Guys Against Each Other, Attacks Their Invisible Flying Battleship, Attempts to Rid Earth of All Its Energy vs. Aliens Visit Earth By Spaceships, Commandeer Our Own Satellites to Communicate Mass Worldwide Attack via Insane Laser Beams, Attempt to Rid Earth of All Its Energy

The Aliens’ “primary weapon” laser beam was totally over the top. However, everything that happened in the Avengers makes it look completely plausible. Just… read the matchup again and tell me which one makes more sense. There really doesn’t have to be a million things going on. ADVANTAGE: ID4

The Finish: Steal the Ice Staff, Wipe Out the Bad Guys, Fly a Nuclear Bomb into the Space Time Galaxy Black Hole Continuum, Close Space Time Galaxy Black Hole Continuum while Lots of Shit Blows Up and the Good Guys Never Get Hit vs. Fly to the Mother Ship, Install a Virus in its Computer to Shut its Force Field Down, Hit Center of Ship like Legend of Zelda, Tell Rest of World How to Do It

Oh lord, where do I start? Both of these are so ludicrous that I’m tempted to disqualify both movies right here and throw the match out. First of all, I’m not sure either movie (or perhaps any movie EVER) has a more ridiculous plot point than “COMPATIBILITY BE DAMNED, WE’RE GONNA PUT A VIRUS ON A COMPUTER THAT WAS MADE ON ANOTHER PLANET!” This was 1996 we are talking about here. They’ve got a laser that can turn New York and L.A. into parking lots but you’re gonna roll up there with your Windows 95 and shut down the mainframe? SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE. I’m not even touching the rest of that sequence, from the flying out of the mother ship to blowing up the primary weapon.  However, is that really that much more silly than Iron Man carrying an atomic bomb thru a black hole and blowing up the bad guys across the universe? What, was Superman not available to fly backwards around the Earth to turn back time? I appreciate the great effects of the flying chase scene thru NYC with the alien ships shooting everything, but the good guys hitching rides on the back and never getting hit? Wait, Hawkeye got nicked in the shoulder I think. I’m sure that affected him in shooting arrows blindly and never missing. (And here’s another thing, HE NEVER RAN OUT OF ARROWS! Was his pouch of arrows like the bike chain in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?) God, both of these climatic scenes were SO BAD. Very fun, but bad. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but despite the presence of the Space Time


Galaxy Black Hole Continuum and all the plot holes such an idea opens up, I think the ID4 end game was somehow worse. Anything but a virus. Unless it’s Cyrus the Virus, but that’s a different summer blockbuster. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS


FINAL SCORE: AVENGERS 6-5


There you have it. By the slimmest of margins, The Avengers is indeed a better flick than Independence Day. That doesn’t mean, though, that I’m going back to watch it anytime soon. I’ll take the rewatchability of ID4 any day of the week. Nobody’s going to be quoting Avengers 20 years from now.  It’s just another comic book movie, like the other 30 or so that have been released in the past decade.  Independence Day was cutting edge in ’96. Every end of the world melodrama since then can trace its roots to that summer. The special effects, the snarky humor, the bad acting… it changed the game.


Final story before I close. The night after we watched this, the oldest snuck back downstairs before bed while me and the VP were, like neanderthals, eating cake straight out of the pan in the kitchen. He came up to us and asked in a whisper, as to not wake up the girls who were already sleeping, “Can I have a piece?” The VP answered him back in a whisper: “Piece? Nooooo pieeeeeeece.”