2Hot's iMPACT Recap - June 21st, 2012

iMPACT Recap June 21st, 2012


Brought to you by BRAWNDO, the THIRST MUTILATOR!!


iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!


Hey Fuckers!  It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!


-Remember how on last week’s show a young up-and-comer returned to the ring to set his sights on reaching the top, and the world’s greatest curtain jerker was given a week to decide whether or not he wants to be the actual main event, or continue to flounder in the undercard.  You don't?  Well you'll be sorry!


-It’s OPEN FIGHT NIGHT and HULK HOGAN is HEEEEEEEERE!!!


-Tonight, we have open fights, the BFG series, and Gut Check!  How can this show only be two hours?!?  Hogan is in the ring begging for change, and he says that all that stuff that happened to Sting last week will never be spoken of again.  I not so secretly wish that was how they ended every show every week.  It really is the best use of Sting at this point.  Apparently Hogan is also waiting for an answer from Triple A, Duuuuude!  Aries comes out and the iMPACT zONE fANS start up an Austin Aries clap clap clapclapclap chant and he reminds them that he already knows his name, unlike Every Segment Whatshisname.  So instead of taking option A or B, Aries lets us all know that the standard now is that at Destination X every year, the X division champ will have the option to give up his title for a World title shot, oh and Aries is going to fight Bobby Roode at Destination X.  This of course brings out the Ravishing one, and he wants to tell all you ugly, stupid, Florida fatties, to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man cuts an opening segment 20 minute promo.  Aries tells Roode that since it’s open fight night, the two should get in the ring RIGHT NOW!  This, of course, causes words to come to blows (not that kind, you pervert). As Aries and Roode and are being separated, Mr Kenderson decides to poke his mic in to their business.  He doesn’t really have anything to add except to change the subject and say that he’s going to win the Bound for Glory Series.  That’s funny because I didn’t realize he’d changed his name to James Storm. 


-Mike “The Spoiler” Tenay tells us to pay attention to the graphic that explains the points system for the Bound for Glory series.  As if this show wasn’t great enough already, now we get to do math too?!?  I love it when TV gives me homework!


-Meanwhile, back in the ring, Mr Kenderson is still here and he wants to challenge someone to a Bound for Glory Open Fight Night Open Fight Glory Challenge. Or something like that...  Anyway, he’s calling out Kristopher Daniels because he thinks outing adulterers is wrong.  Since Kris can’t refuse, it’s on!  This is your typical Bound for Glory challenge match with lots of hard hitting action.  Mike Tenay reminds us that you can use social media to let everyone know what you think of #impactlive.  Incidentially, this week I used my twitter account, @2hot2k, to let Hulk Hogan know exactly how awesome I think it is that he hired his smart and thin and talented daughter to handle running the Knockouts division.  Her wealth of experience is going do unbelievable things to, I mean for, that division.  While I was rambling there, Mr Kenderson hit a Mic Check on Kris and got 7 points worth of pinfall victory.  This was, without a doubt, the flimsily premised match of the night.  5 questionable stars.


-Back stage, the She-hulk has gathered all the Knockouts to decide who should get a title shot.  I seem to remember a less cunty version of this segment happen two Open Fight Nights ago with the actual Hulk Hogan and a bunch of duuudes.  Brooke lets all the ladies know that she is in charge and she isn’t going to take any of their bullshit.  She decides that Madison Rayne can’t have a title shot because as the longest reigning Knockouts Title holder of all time, she’s already held it too long, and is eliminated.  What an uplifting segment!


-Robbie E is in the ring figuring that since he is such a douchebag, he should have a BFG match.  He intelligently decides that he should open it up to anyone.  Thankfully,  Kurt Angle answers the call, comes out to the ring, tears Robbies leg off, and shoves it up his ass.  Thank you Kurt.  Thank you so much.  You made this the Match of the Night.  5 Squishy Stars.


-This week, The Gut Check Challenger is a Woman??  She also doesn’t know how to spell Taylor.  Oh and she had cancer.  She decided to become a pro wrestler because she saw it on TV, and also she had cancer.


-Magnus is here and he takes 10 minutes to tell us he isn’t gay, he’s just English, and that he wants to challenge AJ Styles to yet another BFG match.  By the way, Bound for Glory is in OCTOBER! Which means we are going to get BFG matches for the next four and a half months!  Isn’t that awesome!!  Continuitizing like a muthafucka!  This is just the kind of match you’d expect from two guys with secrets in their closets.  Lots of high impact maneuver and stiff shots.  The ending comes when the KK come out and distract AJ, allowing Magnus to hit his totally straight finisher and get the pin.  This was a solid outing from Magnus and it was also the straight up singles match of the night.  5 firm stars.


-It’s Gut Check Time!!  Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring to introduce “Cancer Girl” Taeler (see what I mean?) Hendrix!  She gets the pleasure of trying not to injure Tara!!  Lots of hot knockouts action in this one.  Hendrix manages to keep her chemo wig in place throughout the match but still ends up eating a Widows Peak and goes down to defeat.  This was probably the best Gut Check match by far.  It was easily the Gut Check match of the night.  5 stars for medical science!


-Backstage, Every Segment Whatshisname has found Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park and wants him to know that he‘s sick of seeing him and that he’s sick of seeing Chris Youknowabyss. He says that if he sees either again, they aint gonna be seen by anyone else evah.  I wonder if Whatshisname knows he can be sued for uttering threats.  Maybe a renown Chicago lawyer should point that out to him.


-In the ring, Evil Foreigner, Samoan Joe is here to let us know that he wants to kick things off tonight by fighting this new, hot young talent, James Storm.  The show started an hour ago but I’m not gonna split hairs with a submission machine.  Regardless, Country Superstars, Montgomery Gentry, signal the arrival of James Storm.  He tries to let Joe know that he wants to be serious for a minute... but Joe just starts throwing educated feet.  Is it weird that his feet have more education than his brain does?  So far tonight, everyone who’s called someone else out tonight has won their match.  Unfortunately he called out a kid on the rise to superstardom so after ten minutes of hard hitting action, he got sweetchinmusicked for his troubles. A bad night for Joe, and a match of the night for us! 5 stars for upsets?


-A video package recaps all the sordid shenanigans between Dixie and AJ so I don’t have to.


-As if that segment wasn’t uplifting enough, we find ourselves back in the office with the Hulkstress, still trying to determine who gets a title shot against Brandy Tessmacher tonight. She gets all cunty with ODB and decides that ODB doesn’t need to be on TV for a while.  It’s just the kind of feel good television that’s really going to take this company to the next level.


-In the ring, Whatshisname is here.  He asks the audience if someone for the love of god could tell him who he is.  He too wants a BFG match tonight.  He wonders who he should challenge.  He decides he wants to get all biblical up in here so he challenges “The Pope”, DiAngelo DiNegro.  Whatshisname doesn’t even wait for DiNegro to finish getting ready before jumping him from behind and laying a lashing on him. Pope manages to battle back just in time for Chris Youknowabyss to show up.  The interloper takes a couple of shots from Whatshisname before chasing him back in to the ring, just in time for the Pope to segregate his head from his neck with a clothesline.  DiNegro wins!  On the surface, this match may not have seemed like much but if you go beyond skin deep, you’ll know this was the match of the night.  5 stars for adding a splash of colour to this storyline.


-Hulk Hogan is back stage following a cloud of smoke all the way to Bob Van Damn and Ed Hardy.  He must have got a contact high because he decides that the two should wrestle tonight as the main event from last month.


- Up next, we get to see half of the country video Vanilla Sky was forced to shoot with Montgomery Gentry because the only thing better than having to watch a country video is having to watch half a country video then cutting it off to drive traffic to a website.  Very clever, TNA!


-It looks like Mickey James is going to be taking on Brenda Tessmacher for the Knockouts title.   It’s very difficult to defend your title against an opponent you just found out about moments ago.  Almost as difficult as it is to get heat in a match that has no reason to happen.  Lots of great Knockouts action in this one.  The two put on a botched chain wrestling clinic.  James dominates most of the action but late in the match Brigitte manages to mount a comeback that culminates with her nearly killing Mickey with a roll up.  Betty retains.  This was an outstanding and fast paced match, easily the Knockouts match of the night.  5 stars if you grade on a curve.


-Finally it’s Main Event Time.  This Up In Smoke Bound For Glory match features Ed Hardy and Bob Van Damn.  They had the very same match a month or so ago but they were as high then as they are now.  Oh yeah, and Hardy wins again.  Tonight, just as it was a month ago, we have your match of the night.  5 stars for Deja Vu.


-What do you mean the show isn’t over.  It’s only 2 hours, right?  Are you sure?  It feels like an eternity.  Thank God nobody sends ME letters...


-Oh right, lucky us, we get to witness AJ and Dixie unburden their souls in the middle of the squared circle.  It was a lot of muttering for 15 minutes or so about how we don’t have to do this and about how we don’t owe anyone an explanation before some other random chick comes out and basically says that she’s a pregnant crack head and they were just trying to protect her secret even though no one has ever heard of her.  Kaz and Kris run to the ring to attack AJ because they are as outraged and flat out flabbergasted at the depth of stupidity this company can reach as I am.


-I am literally sick with rage right now.  I am not sure at this point if you will see another iMPACT recap from me.  I don’t think I can take one more minute of this.




Anyway...


That happened.


You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net


See you next week??


Your Pal 


2HoT

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The View From Down Here - Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads.

I haven't really been posting much lately, because, truth be told, there hasn't been much worth writing about.  But with the MLB amateur draft recently finishing up, and the Cubs' signing of Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler, I decided now would be as good a time as any.  I talked about this briefly with Solly on "Wait 'Til Next Year", but I can expand on it a little more here.

As Cub fans, we are always looking towards the future.  But it's hard not to be legitimately excited after Soler's signing, even more than just the usual Cub fan optimism.  

In the past, the old regime would try to plug holes by buying aging veterans who were past their prime, or call up prospects before they were ready (see Pie, Felix). Previous ownership would never commit to a full on rebuild.  But with this year's Cubs eating a good portion of Carlos Zambrano's contract, letting Aramis Ramirez walk, and reportedly being willing to eat a good chunk of Alfanso Soriano's albatross contract, Tom Ricketts has made it obvious that this is not your father's Cub front office.

In the next three years, this organization will have added elite level talent in Anthony Rizzo, Javier Baez, Soler, and Albert Almora.  They also still have, the top holdover from the Jim Hendry era - Brett Jackson.  They will likely have the top pick in a very impressive draft next year and likely one to two additional B to A level specs from trades this season.  Not to mention, they will have shed every terrible contract on the books.  Plus, they will have additional revenue streams from the Wrigley remodel, All-Star Game cash (rumor is they will be getting the 2016 All-Star Game to celebrate 100 years at Wrigley Field), and they will be gearing up for a Cubs network.  It's not hard to believe that by 2015, the Cubs could have an outstanding lineup for years, led by the following core group:

SS - Starlin Castro: It's hard to believe that Castro is still only 22 years old and not even in his prime.  Last season, he became the youngest player ever to lead the National League in hits with 207. He has hit .300 or better in both of his full major league seasons and is currently hitting .302, but believe it or not, he's still a work in progress at the plate.  He could stand to work a bit more on his plate discipline, but he could also easily develop more power as he gets older.  Add to the fact that his defense has been steadily improving each season, and you can see why Castro, already a perennial All-Star, is one of the pieces the Cubs will be building around.

1B - Anthony Rizzo: Originally drafted by the Cubs' triumvirate of Theo Epstein, Jed Hoyer, and Jason McLeod when they were all running the show in Boston, Rizzo has been acquired by Hoyer and McLeod both in San Diego (for Adrien Gonzalez) and now in Chicago (for Andrew Cashner).  Considering the level of talent that has been given up for him both times, it's obvious the Cubs' brass thinks the world of him.

Rizzo is obviously the minor leaguer closest to being called up to the big club.  In fact, it will most likely happen sometime in the next couple weeks. (If Rizzo is called up before Saturday - June 23 - he will become a free agent in 2017 instead of 2018.  If you don't think that plays into the Cubs' decision about when to promote him, you're sorely mistaken.)  The 24-year old has been tearing up Triple-A pitching all season, leading all minor leaguers with 23 home runs heading into play Monday. He is batting .364 with 59 RBIs and a 1.170 OPS.  (Not to mention he's a lefty.)  All this goes along with Gold Glove caliber defense.  Seeing those numbers, it's easy to become giddy at the thought of Rizzo manning 1B for years to come.

LF - Brett Jackson:  Brett Jackson is the next in line to be called up after Rizzo.  If I were to venture a guess, I would say it will probably be in September.  Currently a centerfielder that has been compared to Bernie Williams (although he is likely to be moved to LF once Almora and/or Soler make the big league club), Jackson has the tools to put up good all around numbers and be on the verge of making the All-Star game every year, but I wouldn't expect him to be a perennial participant.  Jackson's strikeout rate is a little high for the current brass' liking, so there is even a possibility that he could be moved in the off-season if they think they can improve the future of the organization.

2B - Junior Lake: Signed out of the Dominican Republic 3 months after Starlin Castro, Lake is currently a shortstop for the Class AA Tennessee Smokies.  Rumor has it that the Cubs view last year's top draft pick, Javier Baez, as a third baseman, Lake's other natural position, so it is likely that Lake will begin to get some work at 2B before too long.  While still fairly raw, he has made great strides in every level of minor league ball after he has been promoted, and currently has a line of .301/.357/.818 with 4 HR, 7 doubles, and 2 triples in 143 at bats.  His ability to get on base and to hit to all fields should have Cub fans salivating for his eventual development.
 

3B - Javier Baez: Another shortstop, this one currently playing for the Class A Peoria Chiefs, Baez has the skill set and power to be moved to the hot corner before too long.  As a high school senior at Arlington Country Day School in Jacksonville, FL, Baez hit .771 (64-for-83) with 22 homers, 20 doubles and six triples.  With a glaring lack of impact bats in the farm system, it's easy to see why the Cubs made him their first round selection last year.  If the Cubs truly do view Baez as a third baseman, look for current third base prospect, Josh Vitters, to be traded in the next couple years.


CF - Albert Almora: Considered one of the most well rounded prospects in this year's amateur draft, the Cubs took Almora with the sixth pick overall.  Because of his all around athleticism, many scouts have compared him to Carlos Beltran.  The Cubs would be absolutely thrilled if he lives up to that potential.


RF - Jorge Soler: Along with current Oakland A's outfielder, Yoenis Cespedes, Soler was considered a top flight prospect when he defected from Cuba earlier this year.  In fact, there are several scouts that would have put him as a top 5 pick in this year's amateur draft.  While he is a centerfielder right now, his age and height make it possible that he could easily be moved to a corner outfield spot by the time he is done growing.  If his power swing develops as expected (and he has already shown flashes of video game type power at the plate), he could hit like one, too.  With a possible left to right of Jackson / Almora / Soler, the Cubs could have one of the most feared outfields in a few years.

Now, most likely, not all of these prospects will pan out.  Not to mention, the players they get back in a Ryan Dempster and/or Matt Garza trade this season could jump in front of some of  these guys (although, those will most likely be trades for more pitching).  But, even if only half of them produce at the expected level, the Cubs are going to make Robert Zemeckis look like a genius.

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2Hot's iMPACT Recap June 14th , 2012

iMPACT Recap June 14th , 2012

iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!

Hey Fuckers!

It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!

-Remember how at Slammiversary, some guy made an open challenge because no one cared enough about  enough in 16 months to him to give him a meaningful feud?  And remember how James Storm returned to TNA and was all “If I can be serious for a minute...” and then kicked the guy’s head in to the balcony seats?  Yeah me neither.

-Tonight on iMPACT we’ll see an OMG ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE X DIVISION TITLE TONIGHT!  We’ll also see the return of the Bound for Glory series.  There will be a big BFG Gauntlet match TONIGHT!  And TONIGHT Mr Kenderson will take on Ravishing Bobby Roode for the TNA World Title. TONIGHT!!!

TONIGHT!!!

-Bring on the SPOT MONKEYS!  The Ultimate X match features Chris Sabin, Zema “The Paralyzer” Ion, and of course, the champ, Triple A Austin Aries. TNA cares about enough about its talent to give the challengers the Ryback treatment and have them already in the ring when it’s time for entrance music.  A company that’s hemorrhaging cash doesn’t want to go wasting electricity and pyro on entrances for people who need no introduction.  Good thinking TNA.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Ultimate X match variation, it’s like a Ladder match without ladders, or a Money in the Bank match without a brief case, or a variation of the “on a pole” format except without a pole. The match begins and progresses about how you’d expect.  A combatant would hit his high spots then get out of the way for the next to do the same.  This cycle would repeat for about four and a half hours.  During the match, Mike Tenay reminded us that every time he sees Zema wrestle, he is reminded of how Jesse Sorenson broke his neck in a match with him.  No Tenay, Jesse didn’t break his neck, Zema broke Jesse’s neck.  You blame the victim better than Chris Brown you classy, classy man.  I would have thought this would have been a great time to have someone finally go over Aries so that he can move on to the main event picture.  Chris Sabin, having been in 15 Ultimate X matches and won 6 of them, would seem like the logical choice.  But obviously it’s much MORE sensible to let Aries win and keep the belt on him while the division slowly atrophies beneath him.  So of course this is what happened.  Since matches like these benefit so greatly from long buildups where there are clear reasons why each participant is present, this is obviously the overbooked, gimmicky surprise match of the night. 5 intact spinal cords.


- Since wrestlers always cut better promos after their matches when they are out of breath, Triple A Austin Aries grabs a mic after successfully defending his X Division title. He reminds us again that no matter when he wrestles, it’s always the main event because he still doesn’t know what main event means.  He tells us he’s the greatest man who ever lived.  He tells us that he’s grown tired of the X Division and that he is also tired of how slow everyone moves in this company.  This is of course triggers Hulk Hogan’s 45 minute entrance.  Hogan comes out to the ring and starts babbling a bunch of boring, inside shit that no one cares about.  A Hogan chant gets going and Aries says “He knows his name.”  Classic!  The bottom line is that Aries can have a world title shot at Destination X, but he has to relinquish the X Division title in order to have the shot.  Hogan gives him one week to decide.  I am a bit surprised about this.  Shouldn’t they be having this discussion once Destination X has already started?  All this pre planning is frightening...

-LATER!  We’re going to hear from Sting!   This graphic means it’s important!

-Somewhere back stage, Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park is holding court iiff youuu wheeeel, when Every Segment Whatshisname shows up demanding that Park reveal the location of Chris Youknowabyss.  Whatshisname flips the table over and you film nerds will recognize this as a metaphor for the tables turning in this story line as once it was Park looking for his brother, and now it’s that other guy trying to find him instead.  Are we sure Orson Wells isn’t writing this?

-In the ring, it’s time for another championship match!  This time it’s the TV title on the line as RBD takes on another Ro...HOLD THE DAMNED PHONE IT’S SUPER MEX, HERNANDEZ!!!  This is your textbook Big man Vs Big Man match from two tag team specialists.  Lots of smashmouth action in this one with one big power move after another. For no particular reason, RBD hits a dominator out of nowhere and gets the three count.  Champ retains.  This was easily the match of the night if for no other reason than it had no one named Robbie in it.  5 stars for keeping it fresh.

-A video package is kind enough to recap the storyline between Kaz, Kris, AJ, and Dixie so I don’t have to.  After the package ends, Dixie is backstage telling AJ that if he wins his match tonight, she’s going to give him head.  At least I think that’s what she said.  I wasn’t really listening.

-IT’S BFG Gauntlet Match time!  It kicks off with AJ and Ed Hardy.  The two go back and forth for a while with AJ using his patented offense and Hardy choosing to employ drunken style (obviously).  After some undetermined interval, BVD comes out to the ring.  We take a commercial and when we come back, Magnus, and Whatshisname have entered the fight also.  It turns out that participants can be eliminated by being tossed over the top rope.  This sounds familiar...  Also, the winner gets 20 points!  I think the points must be used to buff stats or something.  I can’t see why else they’d need them.  Oh and Kurt Angle is here now and no one has been eliminated.  Like 30 seconds after he gets there, the Pope IS HERE!!  DiAngelo DiNegro has entered the competition.  LOOK AT ALL THE GUYS!!  From out of nowhere, Chris Youknowabyss is here!  He grabs Whatshisname and drags him over the top rope, eliminating him from the fight.  We go to commercial again and when we return we are greeted with having a Robbie in the ring, and BVD unceremoniously eliminated.  Soon after Kristopher Daniels enters the ring and does his best Kane impression, eliminating both AJ and Angle.  The Evil Forigner Samoan Joe enters the ring, thankfully taking out his frustration on Robbie E, eliminating him from the match.  The off colour quote of the night comes from Taz when he says “Look at these two guys banging out here!” James Storm comes out next and I guess last and starts cleaning house.  He finally wins when he sweetchinmusicks Samoan Joe over the top rope.  This was a fantastic outing for the young up and comer.  This is a big win that is really going to go a long way towards moving him in to that main event picture.  This was easily the Royal Rumble err, I mean, BFG Gauntlet match of the night!  5 elevating stars.

-Since wrestlers obviously always do their best promos when they are out of breath after their matches, James Storm gets on the mic.  He lets us know he wants to be serious for a minute...  He reminds us that he spent the last 6 weeks at home crying and complaining about how much he sucks, but then he saw a couple episodes of iMPACT and realized that you really don’t have to be that good to fight in TNA so he has set his sights on becoming the World Heavyweight Champion.  He knows he has to pay his dues first though, being the young upstart that he is, so he’s going to go through this Bound for Glory nonsense and hope that he finds Ravishing Bobby Roode at the end.

-Speaking of Ravishing Bobby Roode, he’s backstage staring off in to space for some reason when he is approached TMZ style and asked what he makes of all this.  He lets us know that he thinks this James Storm guy has a good look, and lots of potential perhaps, but if he thinks he’s ready for a title shot, then he has another thing coming.  Oh and while we’re at it, Roode reminds us that later tonight he’s going to tell all you fat ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man punishes an asshole.  I think I saw a video of that one time...

-Slow pan on Christy Hemme...  The long bangs are really working for ya... Oh, and it’s Knockouts time!  This match features Madison Rayne taking on Brooke (Don’t call Me Miss) Tessmacher.  I learned earlier today from my close personal friend Scott Steiner that The She-Hulk Brook Hogan has decreed that Brooke Tessmacher is not allowed to use her actual real first name as her wrestling name because this company is only big enough for one Brooke apparently.  Granted that Brooke is approaching Orton-like dimensions... I knew bringing in the Hulkstress was going to be amazing.  Anyway, there is lots of hot knockouts action in this one with B-Tizzle controlling the majority of the offense.  The ending came when Brooker T killed Rayne with another new finisher.  This was by far the match of the night.  5 stars for pseudonyms...

-Back stage, the actual Brooke Hogan gets all cunty with Gail Kim and basically tells her that she’s taking her off TV.  It’s really uncomfortable and it makes me feel really awesome and hopeful about the direction the Knockouts division is taking...

-Sweet merciful heaven, this show is almost over because it’s MAIN EVENT TIME!!  Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring for the official introductions.  Surprisingly Kenderson doesn’t make a fuss about it.  The match starts off at a frenetic pace.  It manages to maintain the pace for most of the match.  Lots of big spots and near falls.  Roode spends a lot of time working on the neck and upper back of Kenderson, according to Taz, this is presumably softening him up for the world’s most devastating fisherman’s suplex.  The pace picks up as we approach the end when again Roode busts out a Crippler Crossface.  I guess he just uses it now.  He’s Canadian so I’ll allow it I suppose.  Kenderson gets out of it once but Roode manages to lock it down again and this time, Kenderson is forced to tap.  This was an outstanding match and I am happy to see a great Canadian champion starting to use a killer of a finisher.  This was without a doubt the match of the night.  5 crippling stars!

-Just when you think the show is over, THIS IS STING! makes his way out to the ring to talk about how shocked he was to find out that he was the first inductee in to the new TNA Hall of Shame,  I mean Fame.  He’s blathering on thanking people when three identically dressed, masked men come out and beat the living crap out of him.  I guess dreams really do come true...

Anyway...

That happened.

You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net

See you next week!!

Your Pal

2HoT

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From the Porch: Seattle

Well, rats, Giants lose 2 out of 3 in Seattle to the last-place AL West team. Friday night was a typical Ryan Vogelsong start; he always has his shaky moments and gets himself in trouble but pushes through it. He went seven innings, as he always seems to do, and got the win. He's 6-2 with a 2.29 ERA. On offense, Melky and Buster had homers; Melky's cooled down, but how can you complain?

Saturday was this year's typical Lincecum game; he gave up two homers in the first inning and then looked like his ol' self for a while; Giants scratch back and give him a lead and he blows it immediately. 2-8 now with a 6.19 ERA, amazing.

And Sunday was a Father's Day pitching duel, Madison Bumgarner was great, going 8 innings and giving up only a run, but Felix Hernandez was great for the Mariners as well. Giants had what they needed -- bases loaded with one out in the 9th and their best hitter, Melky, up, but he struck out on three pitches.

On now to more interleague against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Cain coming off his perfecto goes against old Giant Jerome Williams. TV: 7 p.m., CSN-BA.

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FTP: Sweepless to Seattle

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Astros 6, Giants 3 at AT&T Park; SF takes series 2-1

HOU (27-36) 014 000 010  6 8 0

SF (36-28) 000 201 000  3 7 0

WP: Rodriguez (6-4)

LP: Zito (5-4)

SV: Myers (16)

HR: Downs (4), Martinez (7); Belt (3)

Rodriguez: 6ip 6h 3er 2bb 3k 3.35 era

Zito: 5ip 5h 5er 3bb 3k 3.61 era

In the NL West: Arizona-Texas and San Diego-Seattle tonight. Dodgers off. Giants 4 back.

Comments: Damn, damn, damn. Why in the hell can't the Giants just go ahead and destroy these horrible teams? No idea. But there might be a clue in Barry Zito's performance, three walks in the third and then a grand slam. Christ. Tampa Bay is a wonderful team with a $40 million total payroll; Giants have two pitchers who make that (Lincecum and Zito) together and add up to pretty automatic losses. Fan-friggin-tastic. I guess a minor offensive highlight in Belt hitting home runs in three games in a row, his first three of the season.

Baseball quote of the day: "Baseball must be a great game to survive the fools who run it." (Bill Terry)

Next game: Giants at Mariners, 7:10 p.m. PDT Friday, June 15 at Safeco Field. Vogelsong, RHP (5-2, 2.26) vs. Vargas, LHP (7-5, 3.90). TV: Suckwad low-def channels all around.

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From the Porch: Perfect Game

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Giants 10, Astros 0 at AT&T Park

HOU (26-36) 000 000 000  0 0 0 !!!!!!!!!!!!
SF (36-27) 232 120 00x  10 15 0

WP: Cain (8-2)
LP: Happ (4-7)
SV: Ha! None
HR: Cabrera (5), Belt (2), Blanco (4)

Cain: 9ip 0h 0er 0bb 14k 2.18 era
Happ: 3.1ip 11h 8er 1bb 5k 5.338 era

In the NL West: Dodgers lost to Angels, Arizona lost to Texas, Colorado lost to Oakland, San Diego beat Seattle. Giants 3.5 back.

Comments: Jesus Holy Effin' Christ, Matt Cain just threw a perfect game, the first in the 130-year history of the Giants. But let us review. This was the most dominant perfect game in MLB history by Four Fucking Runs. Perfect games? Christy Matthewson? Nope. Gaylord Perry? Nope. Juan Marichal? Nope. Cy Fucking Young? Hasn't had pefect game for 108 years. Matthew von Steely Eyed Missile Man? Fuckin' A, Cotton. And it was not only the pitching (so many no-hitters and, it seems, perfect games are like 1-0 or 2-0; Giants put together a perfect pitching game and a perfect offensive game. There has never been a game this dominant, ever. The last out was made by Joaquin Arias on a tough play, and due to a brilliant move by Bruce Bochy to substitute him for Panda in the 7th. And in one of the great, great, great, great plays of all time, Gregor Blanco in the 7th made an impossible, diving, Triples Alley catch -- perfect games and no hitters always crazy catch, but never, ever, ever, ever anything like that. And Melky also made a ridiculous play in the sixth that should have been the play of the game sans Blanco. Cain is simply a massive presence, a monstah, a Force of Nature. He's a wrecking machine, he'll knock you to tomorrow. Y'know, the thing about Cain, he's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn't seem to be livin' until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white, and then -- aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin'

Baseball quote of the day: "I'm your new catcher and you just got lesson number one: don't think, it can only hurt the ballclub." (Crash Davis)

Next game: Astros vs. Giants, 12:45 p.m. PDT Thursday, June 14 at AT&T Park. Rodriguez, LHP (5-4, 3.27) vs. Zito, LHP (5-3, 3.24). TV: CSN-BA

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2Hot's Slammiversary X Recap

Slamiversary 2012 Recap

Slamiversary is filmed in an actual arena and it’s LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!

Hey Fuckers!

It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR Slamiversary RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!


-Hulk Hogan spends 20 minutes getting to the ring to let us know that this is a celebration!  He tells us that the next 10 years of TNA are going to be twice as awesome bruther!  He lets us know that he’s been around the block a few times if you know what he means (Writers Note: He means Syphilis).  He decides that this show that doesn’t need any feuds or storylines so he figures that the show should start with an X-Division Title match between Triple A Austin Aries and Evil Foreigner, Samoan Joe.


-Well, the boss has spoken so BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS.  Triple A Austin Aries takes on Samoan Joe while a guy wearing a Daniel Bryan shirt sits in the audience pretty much dead center in the camera shot.  That’s some great branding, WWE.  Taz lets us know that as an undersized wrestler, Austin Aries has to wrestle like he’s 6’9 and 350 lbs at all times.  You know, like Kane.  This is pretty much the opposite of how Aries wrestles thank goodness and he actually controls the early action in this one.  It’s not long before Joe takes over however as Aries attempts a suicide dive through the ropes and Joe round kicks him back halfway across the ring.  This match was full of innovative offense.  At one point, Aries gets caught in to a Rear Naked Choke, and rolled it over in to a pin fall attempt.  Lots of sick and stiff action in this one.  The ending came when Aries actually hit a brainbuster on the much bigger man.  This match was actually honestly without a doubt amazing.  When the year-end lists come out, this match better be on it or someone is lying to you.  If you didn’t see it, find it.  Fuck it was good.  Champ retains.  15 huge stars.  It was so great to see Samoan Joe caring about what he’s doing again.  And, well, Austin Aries is just the best.  No doubt.


-Taz and Tenay have a discussion at ringside about who the hall of fame inductee is going to be.  Tenay says that no one will tell him because if they did, he’d just blurt it out on the air due to his medical condition.


-In the ring, OMG TAZ, what’s Kid Kash doing in the Slamiversary Zone?!?  Having a match with Hernandez apparently for no goddamned reason.  Obviously you follow up a match of the year candidate with two people who’ve not been on tv in forever that nobody in the audience gives a crap about and then try to have them have the same match we just saw.  This is so smart TNA.  How are you not beating the other guys in the ratings?  I just don’t understand it.  This match is your textbook Austin Aries vs Samoa Joe match except shitty.  It was fun to see one half of LAX take off and do a plancha over the top rope and land halfway up the entrance ramp.  That was fun for sure.  I thought maybe the rationale behind having this match was to build up Kash to take Aries X division title so that he can go on to fight the main event guys but then just as I was thinking that, Hernandez hit a top-rope splash and got the pin.  Aries/Joe may have been the Match of the Year but this was probably the match of the night.  5 stars for surprise (I guess...) returns.


-Up next we have the tag match between the Jerky Shore and RBD & New Bishoff.  I’m going to just go ahead and pretend this match didn’t happen.   Tho having said that, it will probably end up being the match of the night.  5 absentee stars.


-Backstage Jeremy Borash is here to interview the KK, who let us know that they are the World Tag Team Champions of the World.  And according to Kris, this is not redundant because the two are two planets worth of great and this segment is two segments worth of great as well!


-In the ring, it’s the 3-way (not the good kind) Match to determine the new number one contender for iMPACT this Thursday.  In case you’ve forgotten, this match is between Mr Kenderson, Ed Hardy, and Bob Van Damn.  This match was everything you could have wanted from three proven superstars.  Lots of high spots and very little storytelling to clutter up the action.  Everyone splats each other with big moves for about half an hour when Mr Kenderson finally hits a Mic Check on BVD and gets the pin.  So Mr Kenderson is your new number one contender and you have your new match of the night!  5 stars for letting the sober one go over.


-It’s Open Challenge Time!  In the ring, The Undefeated Crimson has been undefeated for 470 days and he’s pretty convinced that no one can beat him. He does the right thing and lets the audience know what a bunch of fat losers they are before letting them know that he is going to wait for someone to show up and challenge him.  After about two hours of waiting, James Storm finally shows up to answer the call.  So yay, it’s a Crimson vs James Storm match and I’m just happy it wasn’t Gunner.  The two actually match up pretty well and the fight was pretty good.  Ending came when Crimson got sweetchinmusicked and ate a pin fall as well.  Sorry bout your damned streak, Crimson.  You’re now just another midcard jobber.  Until that happend however, this was a really great match.  It was likely the match of the night.  5 Stars for making history.


-Dixie Carter makes her way to the ring and thankfully she is going to talk to us.  She plays kiss-ass with the fans for a half hour before bringing out the entire TNA Roster on to the stage.  Look at all the guys!!  She has decided to take this moment to introduce the first inductee in to the TNA hall of fame and OMG IT’S STING ICANTBELIEVEIT!!!!!!!!!  The crowd actually gets a Yes chant going.  It seems like it might be Stings night.  This worries me...


-I’m not sure anything can make me stop worrying about the possibilities but the Knockouts are going to try.  It’s Knockouts Time!  This time it is a title match between Gail Kim and Big Brooke Tessmacher. B-Tizzle got the shot after not being the shittiest face in a 4-way match on iMPACT.  If i’m not mistaken, I swear I just heard Taz say “We’ve seen that spunk, all over Tessmacher.”  You’re the best, Taz.  There was lots of back and forth action in this one with no clear advantage for either combatant.  The ending comes when Gail tried to get sneaky and hit Brooker T’s own finisher on her when she herself gets ambushed like some sort of ninja and rolled up for the pin.  We have a NEW KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION!  This was by far the Knockouts match of the night.  5 blown stars.


-Back Stage, Every Segment Whatshisname from somewhere wants to make sure we know who he is and he is from.  He also wants us to know that this contract he holds makes his match with Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park an Anything Goes match with a No Liability Clause.


-It’s time to witness the best storyline going today!! Bully Ray takes on Joseph Park.  Bully offers Park the first shot because he’s such a nice guy.  Eventually Bully gets as tired of the games as we do and starts laying a beating on Park.  Once in a while, Park gets a short flurry of offense but it’s all Bully otherwise.  At one point, Park gets knocked out of the ring and for some incomprehensible reason, rolls under the ring.  5 minutes later and by that I mean suddenly, Chris Youknowabyss appears from under a different part of the ring. He hops in to the ring and Blackholeslams Bully through a table!!!  After that, he goes back in to the um, abyss?  Five minutes later, Park re-emerges from under the ring, sees that Bully Ray is out cold, and covers him for the pin.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how Park couldn’t have seen Abyss under the ring. It’s the damndest thing ever.  That surprise easily made the best storyline going today deliver the match of the night.  Five surprise stars.


-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Ravishing Bobby Roode, and he’s here to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs to shut your mouths and watch how a real man cuts a pre ppv main event promo.  He lets us know that the only thing that anyone should be celebrating is him.  He’s right by the way.  He is the only thing holding this dog and pony show together.  He promises to end Sting’s career tonight and I hope he is right.


-On the entrance ramp, Hulk Hogan is back and he decides to bring out OMG CHRISTIAN CAGE!!!!!!!! Cage no-sells a “Welcome Back” chant until it turns in to a “Please come back” chant.  He’s here to present the number one moment in TNA history video package.  Since he’s no longer in the ring when we get back, I guess I can go back to pretending he was never here because it hurts my heart less.


-Its TAG MATCH TIME!  The KK take on Kurt Angle and AJ Styles in a Scarlett Letter match.  The caliber of the talent in this match makes this one a no brainer, which is what TNA thinks too as they sold this PPV on the back of such shitty storytelling.  Lots of back and forth action in this one.  Textbook tag psychology with the heels cutting the ring in half and making frequent tags.  There were lots of sick spots in this one and the ending came when Kurt reversed a Kaz finishing attempt in to an Ankle Lock and got the tap.  It was at this point that we found out it was a title match because we have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!  I know they aren’t even a tag team but they’re the NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!  Super exciting stuff in this match!  Probably the match of the night.  5 Stars for NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!


-Are you ready for the main event?  Good god I sure am.  But first we have to sit through some music montage that lasts literally 4 days.


-But finally, IT’S MAIN EVENT WORLD TITLE MATCH TIME!!!  THIS IS STING takes on Ravishing Bobby Roode, who actually wears a very Rick Rude esque robe to the ring.  Nice touch there.  There was lots of fast paced action to start, with, as you’d expect, Roode selling enough for both wrestlers.  Apparently this match was no count out because the action soon left the ring as the two battled all around the slightly bigger iMPACT zone.  At one point, Sting locks in a Scorpion Death um... lock on the announce table and the champ taps but it doesn’t matter because it’s not in the ring.  As the two make their way back to the ring, Roode finds Ed Hardy’s stash and sneaks a bottle in to the ring.  He cold-cocks Sting with it while the ref is distracted doe no particular reason and gets the pin.  Thank friggen Christ!  Champ retains!  They can do whatever else they want to me but if they had put Sting over in this match, Monday Night Flaw would have had to find a new TNA recapper.  This was easily the match of the night.  It had the big match feel as much as a TNA match can with no build up. 5 Stars for finally making sense.


Anyway...

That happened.  And it was still probably shorter than Stu’s letter...

 

You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net

See you next week!!

 

Your Pal

2HoT

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From the Porch: Power Surge

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Giants 6, Astros 3 at AT&T Park

HOU (26-35) 001 000 011  3 7 1
SF (35-27) 001 200 12x  6 9 1

WP: Bumgarner (8-4)
LP: Norris (5-4)
SV: Casilla (17)
HR: Bumgarner (1), Belt (1)

Norris: 3.1ip 3h 3er 3bb 5k 4.81 era
Bumgarner: 7.2ip 6h 1er 0bb 12k 3.08 era

In the NL West: Arizona lost to Texas, Colorado lost to Oakland, San Diego beat Seattle and Dodgers beat Angels. Giants 4.5 back.

Comments: Irish Heritage Night, with Rory McIlroy throwing out the first pitch. For the Giants, tonight's game was a power surge, with pitcher Madison Bumgarner and 1B Brandon Belt hitting homers, only the seventh and eighth SF homers at AT&T this year. Also broke an amazing 16-game homerless streak. Bumgarner was the uber-star of the game, also striking out 12 with no walks. He's now 13-2 with a 1.99 ERA in his last fifteen home starts. Awesome.

Bullpen: Kinda weird, as Romo took the ball with two outs in the eighth, then Hensley, Lopez and Casilla -- Hensley was in there for a few moments, but it was two pitches, four pitches and two pitches for the other three; guess they'll be available tomorrow.

Offense: Besides the homers, Brandon Crawford and Melky Cabrera, back in the lineup after a series off, had two hits each. One of those cool runs in the seventh for this edition of the Giants, as Gregor Blanco walked, stole second and advanced to third on a throwing error, then scored on a Melky single. He up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. Speed kills, absolute speed kills absolutely.

D: Another error (11) for Crawford; Panda was better. That's 57 errors, tied for worst in the majors.

Baseball quote of the day: "I reckon I tried everything on the old apple, but salt and pepper and chocolate sauce topping." (Gaylord Perry)

Next game: Astros vs. Giants, 7:15 p.m. PDT Wednesday, June 13 at AT&T Park. Happ, LHP (4-6, 4.54) vs. Cain, RHP (7-2, 2.41). TV: CSN-BA

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2Hot's TNA Impact Recap - June 7, 2012

iMPACT Recap June 7th , 2012

iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!

Hey Fuckers!

It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!

-Remember how last week Kaz and Kris played a phone call on the air between Dixie Carter and AJ Styles that made Dixie lose her mind and start tearing up the production truck?  Well unfortunately TNA does because we get a recap of that segment and then find out that no one knows who actually played the call over the air.  I guess they just play everything they’re handed without questioning it or previewing it.  That’s information that might come in handy later...  Meanwhile, Dixie Carter is out in the ring and the fans are cheering and chanting her name because I suppose in Florida, that’s how you treat a Jezebel. She is about to let us know the whole story when Kris, realizing how terrible she is on the mic, decides to come out and tell the story for her.  When he decides to get a bit rough with the lady, her Knight in shining tights comes to her aid and chases off the bad guys.  Finally, Dixie’s husband “Serge” decides to come out and open hand slap AJ in to next week.  I wish I could express to you just how riveting and engaging this segment was.  I could not look away.


-The show went to commercial and when we returned, they were gracious enough to spend 10 minutes recapping the initial segment.  It was like the icing on a delicious storyline cake.


-Tonight!!  We get a main event 6-man tag match as AJ, Kurt Angle and THIS IS STING, take on Kris, Kaz, and Ravishing Bobby Roode.  Good grief!  I can barely contain my excitement!


-In the ring, it’s the undefeated Crimson takes on X-Division champion Triple A Austin Aries in a “There’s no way we’re going to let Crimson lose the 16 month streak on free tv” non title match.  This is your textbook Ray Mysterio vs Randy Orton match, except good. Lots of intense action in this one. Each combatant managed to counter the other’s finisher.  Aries gives a very respectable showing against the much bigger man.  He had the match in hand when Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe came out to interfere costing him the victory.  Crimson wins, the streak is retained.  Samoan Joe is a heel again I suppose?  And we have our match of the night!  5 stars for everything but the ending.


-After the match, since wrestlers always cut better promos when they’re out of breath after their matches, Crimson decides to remind us that he is still undefeated.  He also brings up the fact that his streak is longer than Goldberg’s.  He fails to mention that this is only because someone was actually writing Goldberg’s storyline and Crimson is regularly forgotten completely for months at a time but I digress...  He decides that since he doesn’t actually have a feud right now, he’ll issue an Open Challenge for Slamiversary.  Outstanding!


-Back stage, Hulk Hogan is wandering through the hallways, babbling incoherently and talking to Brooke even though she is nowhere to be seen.  *Cough* dementia *cough*


-Backstage, the She-Hulk Brooke Hogan wanders in to a room full of hookers.  Oh wait, those aren’t hookers, they’re all the faces in the Knockouts division.  She tells them how pretty they all are in their makeup and girly things that she doesn’t really understand and then lets tells them something that Mike “The Spoiler” Tenay already mentioned during the last match. That is, that all four will be facing off in a four-way (the good kind) to decide which will get to face Gail Kim at Slamiversary because yet again, TNA is bucking the trend and deciding that you actually CAN go in to your biggest ppv of the year with no feuds more than two weeks old.  Oh you magnificent, cutting-edge, bastards.  Anyway, the Hulkstress also announces that she’s going to be whoring out the knockouts to whatever media will have them.  First she’s sending Vanilla Sky off after the match to go be in a “Montgomery Gentry” video.  I’m not really sure what those guys want with a lady but it’s not my place to judge.


-Back in the zONE, Hulk Hogan is here and he takes 20 minutes to get to the ring because it`s much slower when you have to move the walker in between poses.  Once he gets there, he goes on a rant about a bunch of inside shit that no one cares about, including the fact that tonight is the 10 year anniversary of iMPACT and the party is going on from now till next Thursday, when the World Title will be defended no matter who wins it on Slamiversary.  Uh oh...  Ravishing Bobby Roode has heard enough and he comes out to tell all you fat, ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths and watch how a real man recaps a storyline.  He eventually decides to get a bit rough with the Hulkster when his knight in shining tights comes to his aid.  Roode beats down Sting but Sting is old enough that he doesn`t have to sell anymore and so that goes about as well as you`d expect.


-Backstage, Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park is freaking out because all he wanted to do was find his brother Chris Youknowabyss, and now he’s going to have an actual wrestling match (debatable) at Slamiversary!  And to top that all off, he’s going to have to sign a legally binding contract to the fact, TONIGHT!  Sweet TNA, give us a contract signing segment for a match that isn’t even the main event!  Brilliant!  Where do you come up with this genius??


- Since Slamiversary is but a mere three days away, we get no video package of anyone doing anything.


-The slow pan on Christy Hemme means it’s KNOCKOUTS TIME!  Mickey James, Tara, Vanilla Sky and Big Brooke Tessmacher all face off in a 4-way match to determine the number one contender for Slamiversary.  This match was one miscommunication after another.  It’s what you’d call a blown spotfest.  Gail Kim sneaks out to do commentary and at one point she talks about how fast she is compared to theses ladies.  I kid you not, she actually said she’s fast like a ninja.  In the ring the four narrowly avoid Ioning each other when Brooker T hits the Blown Splat on Mickey James and gets the three count.  So I guess we get to see B-Tizzle take on Gail Kim at Slamiversary in three days! This was by far the match of the night.  5 stars for no one slipping a nip or a disk.


-In the ring, we see a podium, so I guess we get to see the contract signing in the best storyline going today.  Both players made their way to the ring and said exactly what they’ve been saying for the last 17 months.  They were about to sign the contract when OMG ABYSS IS ON THE SCREEN!!!!  He let Joseph know that he doesn’t need his help and that at Slamiversary, both Joseph AND Bully are going to find out what the hell he is babbling about.  Maybe it’s just me but this just seems convoluted and lame and too much like a gimmick, man...


-Backstage, we find out that Garret Bishoff and Devon are going to take on the Robbies at Slamiversary.  Also, Devon and Robbie E have a TV Title match tonight and if you want to see how it went, go back and listen to the last 8 iMPACT recaps on Monday Night Flaw or read them at PUNSHOUSE.COM because I’m sure it’s going to be so good I can’t even bear to watch it.  Match of the night!  5 presumed stars!


-Since there’s only about 10 minutes left in the show and there are three main eventers who still don’t have feuds or storylines, Hulk Hogan comes out and says LOOK AT ALL THE GUYS who have nothing to do at Slamiversary!  He decides to make a 3-way (not the good kind) number one contenders match for a shot at the World Title.  Bob Van Damn, Ed Hardy, and Mr Kenderson will all do battle at the PPV and the right gay guy will get his title shot against the champ, next Thursday on iMPACT!


-Finally... It’s 6-MAN MAIN EVENT PRE PPV MATCH TIME!!  Uhoh what’s this?  AJ no sells his entrance music?  He must have taken a page out of Sting’s playbook. I guess it’s a 3 on two match but it doesn’t really matter because Sting is invincible on free TV.  In spite of this, the heels manage to keep Sting in the ring for most of the match.  Counting on him getting tired because they’ve kept him up past his bedtime.  Pro tip for Sting: the “Face-in-peril” shtick only works when you sell something.  Just when you think all hope is lost, AJ finally makes it to the ring and takes everybody out.  The ending comes when Sting locks in the Scorpion Crab on Bobby Roode and taps out the champ for the second week in a row. Unbelievable.  This match was um... Yeah...................


Anyway...


That happened.


You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net


See you soon with your Slamiversary recap!!

 

Your Pal

2HoT

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FTP: Terrible Timmy

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Rangers 5, Giants 0 at AT&T Park; Texas takes series 2-1

TEX (35-26) 001 202 000  5 11 1

SF (34-27) 000 000 000  0 3 0

WP: Ross (6-0)

LP: Lincecum (2-7)

SV: None

HR: None

Ogando: 3ip 0h 0er 0bb 2k 2.08 era

Lincecum: 5.2ip 9h 5er 4bb 5k 6.00 era

In the NL West: San Diego lost to Milwaukee, Colorado lost to Angels, Arizona beat Oakland and LA beat Seattle. Giants fall to 5 back.

Comments: It's sorta cut-and-paste when Lincecum pitches; he's awful, Giants lose every time out (well, they've won two of his 13 starts). And all the quotes are exactly the same -- he's almost there, just a little off, just left a pitch up. No, no, no, out of the windup he shows flashes of his old self but out of the stretch he's one of the most vulnerable pitchers in either league; coaches and teammates all think he'll figure it out and perhaps they're right, but if it doesn't happen quickly, things will get really ugly. I think poor Righetti and Bochy and Buster have tried everything they can think of to stop this disaster. And it just gets worse. There are now some fifty-eight nuclear submarines headed at high speed into the Atlantic. This afternoon's satellite pass over Poliarni found heat plumes in the engineering plants of the Kirov, the Minsk and more than twenty other cruisers and destroyers indicating they were preparing to sail. This constitutes the bulk of the Soviet surface fleet.

Only thing more annoying that Timmy today was Fat Panda's defense at third base today compared to Arias the last few weeks. At least four plays that I think Arias would have made even though they weren't ruled as errors. Gadfry, slow, clumsy, rusty, gloveless; it's not funny anymore.

Baseball quote of the day: "Been in this game one-hundred years, but I see new ways to lose 'em I never knew existed before." (Casey Stengel)

Next game: Astros vs. Giants, 7:15 p.m. PDT Tuesday, June 12 10 at AT&T Park. Norris, RHP (5-3, 4.65) vs. Bumgarner, LHP (7-4, 3.26). TV: CSN-BA

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From the Porch: Vogie

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Giants 5, Rangers 2 at AT&T Park

TEX (34-26) 000 000 011  2 5 3

SF (34-26) 001 011 20x  5 10 0

WP: Vogelsong (5-2)

LP: Feldman (0-5)

SV: Casilla (16)

HR: Moreland (9), Napoli (11)

Feldman: 5.1ip 4h 2er 1bb 7k 6.39 era

Vogelsong: 7.2ip 3h 1er 3bb 3k 2.26 era

In the NL West: Dodgers-Seattle just under way; Oakland-Arizona tonight; Angels beat the holy hell out of Rockies. Gianta 3 1/2 behind for now.

Comments: Ummmmm, good pitching beats good hitting most of the time.

Injury news: The horrific Edlefsen back to AAA where he maybe belongs; some bloke called up. His name escapes me. Jimbo von Crammy Poo, or something like that. George Kontos? Is that it? Jesus Christ. Never heard of him. Oh wait, I looked it up on this Internet thing; Kontos came from the Yankees in the trade for Chris Stewart (who is getting a lot of playing time in the bigs, by the way, good for him).

Baseball quote of the day: "Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed upon the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." (Bob Felller)

Next game: Rangers vs. Giants, 1:05 p.m. PDT Sunday, June 10 at AT&T Park. Ogando (1-0, 2.27) vs. Lincecum (2-6, 5.83). TV: CSN-BA

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From the Porch: Zounds

Friday, June 8, 2012

Rangers 5, Giants 0 at AT&T Park

TEX (34-25) 100 111 001  5 14 0

SF (33-26) 000 000 000  0 5 1

WP: Harrison (8-3)

LP: Zito (5-3)

SV: None

HR: Kinsler (7), Hamilton (22)

Harrison: 9ip 5h 0er 0bb 4k 3.87 era

Zito: 6ip 9h 4er 2bb 2k 3.24 era

In the NL West: Dodgers lost to Mariners, Padres lost to Brewers, Arizona beat Oakland. Giants still 4 games behind LA.

Comments: The millions of readers who follow this blog know that I've been worried in the past week about the titanic struggles the Giants have had against Truly Terrible teams, like 20 games under .500 teams, like the Padres and Cubs. What might happen when they play an actual competent team? Well, there you have it. For all intents and purposes Texas threw a no-hitter at San Francisco; absolutely nothing ever got going and Zito was almost immediately behind. Rangers answered another question -- it's not that home runs are impossible at AT&T, it's that homers are impossible for the home team. Kinsler and Hamilton had no problem at all, durn it. Hamilton has 22, Giants as a team have 35.

Injury news: Melky Cabrera was out and remains out with a dodgy hamstring; Pablo Sandoval activated and will be lineup Saturday; Brett Pill optioned to Fresno, which is likely good news because he can get some ABs. Giants often treat young players like him pathetically; leaving them to rot on the bench and lose whatever rhythm they might have had.

Baseball quote of the day: "I like radio better than television because if you make a mistake on radio, they don't know. You can make up anything on the radio." (Phil Rizzuto)

Next game: Rangers vs. Giants, 1:05 p.m. PDT Saturday, June 9 at AT&T Park. Feldman (0-4, 7.01) vs. Vogelsong (4-2, 2.38). TV: CSN-BA

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From the Porch: Petstomp

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Giants 8, Padres 3 at Petco Park. Giants win series 2-1.

SF (33-25) 211 000 211  8 15 4

SD (19-38) 003 000 000  3  9 1

WP: Cain (7-2)

LP: Marquis (2-5)

SV: Casilla (15)

HR: Posey (7), Pagan (5), Blanco (3).

Cain: 7ip 7h 0er 1bb 9k 2.41 era

Marquis: 6ip 9h 2er 1bb 6k 7.65 era

In the NL West:  Damn, damn, damn, Dodgers hang a four-game sweep on the Phillies at Philly? What in the holy hell? Anyway, end result is the Giants are playing outstanding baseball and seem to have no chance of getting close to the damn Dodgers. Probably the other NL West teams played, or maybe not. I don't see any scores there. Giants 4 back.

Comments: Now that's the way you treat a team 20 games under .500, kick the holy hell out of 'em. 4-0 lead blown away with a ridiculous four-error performance by the D, which likely puts the Giants back at the bottom of the league in error again after outstanding D the last 12 games. Oddly enough, the very first out of the game was a monstah play by Brandon Crawford, and then the wheels seemed to come off, taxing a typically outstanding pitching start by Mattie Cain. On offense, Ryan The Riot continues to be ridiculously hot, as does Buster Posey -- threatening to start All-Star Game. Enter your 25 votes on MLB.com!

Baseball quote of the day: "I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did." (Yogi Berra)

Next game: Giants vs. Ranger, Interleague, 7:15 p.m. PDT Friday, June 8 at AT&T Park. Matt Harrison (7-3, 4.37) vs. Barry Zito (5-2, 2.98). TV: S**tty, crappy, low-def POS Comcast 191 in Central Valley, NBC Whatever in Bay Area, nothing at all in civilized areas, TV Look What Ogg Do in Neanderthal areas.

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