iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how last week Kaz and Kris played a phone call on the air between Dixie Carter and AJ Styles that made Dixie lose her mind and start tearing up the production truck? Well unfortunately TNA does because we get a recap of that segment and then find out that no one knows who actually played the call over the air. I guess they just play everything they’re handed without questioning it or previewing it. That’s information that might come in handy later... Meanwhile, Dixie Carter is out in the ring and the fans are cheering and chanting her name because I suppose in Florida, that’s how you treat a Jezebel. She is about to let us know the whole story when Kris, realizing how terrible she is on the mic, decides to come out and tell the story for her. When he decides to get a bit rough with the lady, her Knight in shining tights comes to her aid and chases off the bad guys. Finally, Dixie’s husband “Serge” decides to come out and open hand slap AJ in to next week. I wish I could express to you just how riveting and engaging this segment was. I could not look away.
-The show went to commercial and when we returned, they were gracious enough to spend 10 minutes recapping the initial segment. It was like the icing on a delicious storyline cake.
-Tonight!! We get a main event 6-man tag match as AJ, Kurt Angle and THIS IS STING, take on Kris, Kaz, and Ravishing Bobby Roode. Good grief! I can barely contain my excitement!
-In the ring, it’s the undefeated Crimson takes on X-Division champion Triple A Austin Aries in a “There’s no way we’re going to let Crimson lose the 16 month streak on free tv” non title match. This is your textbook Ray Mysterio vs Randy Orton match, except good. Lots of intense action in this one. Each combatant managed to counter the other’s finisher. Aries gives a very respectable showing against the much bigger man. He had the match in hand when Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe came out to interfere costing him the victory. Crimson wins, the streak is retained. Samoan Joe is a heel again I suppose? And we have our match of the night! 5 stars for everything but the ending.
-After the match, since wrestlers always cut better promos when they’re out of breath after their matches, Crimson decides to remind us that he is still undefeated. He also brings up the fact that his streak is longer than Goldberg’s. He fails to mention that this is only because someone was actually writing Goldberg’s storyline and Crimson is regularly forgotten completely for months at a time but I digress... He decides that since he doesn’t actually have a feud right now, he’ll issue an Open Challenge for Slamiversary. Outstanding!
-Back stage, Hulk Hogan is wandering through the hallways, babbling incoherently and talking to Brooke even though she is nowhere to be seen. *Cough* dementia *cough*
-Backstage, the She-Hulk Brooke Hogan wanders in to a room full of hookers. Oh wait, those aren’t hookers, they’re all the faces in the Knockouts division. She tells them how pretty they all are in their makeup and girly things that she doesn’t really understand and then lets tells them something that Mike “The Spoiler” Tenay already mentioned during the last match. That is, that all four will be facing off in a four-way (the good kind) to decide which will get to face Gail Kim at Slamiversary because yet again, TNA is bucking the trend and deciding that you actually CAN go in to your biggest ppv of the year with no feuds more than two weeks old. Oh you magnificent, cutting-edge, bastards. Anyway, the Hulkstress also announces that she’s going to be whoring out the knockouts to whatever media will have them. First she’s sending Vanilla Sky off after the match to go be in a “Montgomery Gentry” video. I’m not really sure what those guys want with a lady but it’s not my place to judge.
-Back in the zONE, Hulk Hogan is here and he takes 20 minutes to get to the ring because it`s much slower when you have to move the walker in between poses. Once he gets there, he goes on a rant about a bunch of inside shit that no one cares about, including the fact that tonight is the 10 year anniversary of iMPACT and the party is going on from now till next Thursday, when the World Title will be defended no matter who wins it on Slamiversary. Uh oh... Ravishing Bobby Roode has heard enough and he comes out to tell all you fat, ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths and watch how a real man recaps a storyline. He eventually decides to get a bit rough with the Hulkster when his knight in shining tights comes to his aid. Roode beats down Sting but Sting is old enough that he doesn`t have to sell anymore and so that goes about as well as you`d expect.
-Backstage, Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park is freaking out because all he wanted to do was find his brother Chris Youknowabyss, and now he’s going to have an actual wrestling match (debatable) at Slamiversary! And to top that all off, he’s going to have to sign a legally binding contract to the fact, TONIGHT! Sweet TNA, give us a contract signing segment for a match that isn’t even the main event! Brilliant! Where do you come up with this genius??
- Since Slamiversary is but a mere three days away, we get no video package of anyone doing anything.
-The slow pan on Christy Hemme means it’s KNOCKOUTS TIME! Mickey James, Tara, Vanilla Sky and Big Brooke Tessmacher all face off in a 4-way match to determine the number one contender for Slamiversary. This match was one miscommunication after another. It’s what you’d call a blown spotfest. Gail Kim sneaks out to do commentary and at one point she talks about how fast she is compared to theses ladies. I kid you not, she actually said she’s fast like a ninja. In the ring the four narrowly avoid Ioning each other when Brooker T hits the Blown Splat on Mickey James and gets the three count. So I guess we get to see B-Tizzle take on Gail Kim at Slamiversary in three days! This was by far the match of the night. 5 stars for no one slipping a nip or a disk.
-In the ring, we see a podium, so I guess we get to see the contract signing in the best storyline going today. Both players made their way to the ring and said exactly what they’ve been saying for the last 17 months. They were about to sign the contract when OMG ABYSS IS ON THE SCREEN!!!! He let Joseph know that he doesn’t need his help and that at Slamiversary, both Joseph AND Bully are going to find out what the hell he is babbling about. Maybe it’s just me but this just seems convoluted and lame and too much like a gimmick, man...
-Backstage, we find out that Garret Bishoff and Devon are going to take on the Robbies at Slamiversary. Also, Devon and Robbie E have a TV Title match tonight and if you want to see how it went, go back and listen to the last 8 iMPACT recaps on Monday Night Flaw or read them at PUNSHOUSE.COM because I’m sure it’s going to be so good I can’t even bear to watch it. Match of the night! 5 presumed stars!
-Since there’s only about 10 minutes left in the show and there are three main eventers who still don’t have feuds or storylines, Hulk Hogan comes out and says LOOK AT ALL THE GUYS who have nothing to do at Slamiversary! He decides to make a 3-way (not the good kind) number one contenders match for a shot at the World Title. Bob Van Damn, Ed Hardy, and Mr Kenderson will all do battle at the PPV and the right gay guy will get his title shot against the champ, next Thursday on iMPACT!
-Finally... It’s 6-MAN MAIN EVENT PRE PPV MATCH TIME!! Uhoh what’s this? AJ no sells his entrance music? He must have taken a page out of Sting’s playbook. I guess it’s a 3 on two match but it doesn’t really matter because Sting is invincible on free TV. In spite of this, the heels manage to keep Sting in the ring for most of the match. Counting on him getting tired because they’ve kept him up past his bedtime. Pro tip for Sting: the “Face-in-peril” shtick only works when you sell something. Just when you think all hope is lost, AJ finally makes it to the ring and takes everybody out. The ending comes when Sting locks in the Scorpion Crab on Bobby Roode and taps out the champ for the second week in a row. Unbelievable. This match was um... Yeah...................
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you soon with your Slamiversary recap!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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