Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how last week we spent the entire episode building to a match with the champ only to have the champ win and have Sting come out of nowhere and face him down? No? Well lucky for you, TNA does. And because of this they’ve surrounded the ring with lumberjacks because apparently we’re going to kick things off with a lumberjack match between Sting and Ravishing Bobby Roode. Its MAIN EVENT OPENING MATCH TIME!! I’m going to go ahead and just say that this will be the match of the night before I even see it and 5 stars for how could the powers that be possibly mess this up? As you’d expect, Roode bumps like crazy for Grandpa Sting and Sting no-sells everything Roode has. The lumberjacks get minimal use with faces tossing Bobby back in and heels beating down Sting every chance they get. After a while, Sting’s age catches up with him and he blows up, allowing Roode to take control. Mark out moment for me was when Roode reversed a Scorpion Deathlock in to a Crippler Crossface. The obvious follow-up to that was for Sting to lock in the Deathlock a second time and tap out the champ. Awesome TNA, you just jobbed out your champ on free tv. Remember how I said earlier that there was no way they could mess this up? Well, I underestimated them. Fucking assholes...
-Hulk Hogan is here to tell us that the Main Event for Slamiversary will be Ravishing Bobby Roode against Sting for the World Title. This is not good. This is not good at all.
-Tonight! AJ Styles will take on one third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels. RBD will face an opponent chosen by YOU the viewer, as you choose between BVD, Robbie E, Ed Hardee and Mister Kenderson. Also they decided to revive a storyline they gave up on 4 months ago, but this time it’s the She-Hulk Brook Hogan in charge of the Knockouts so that will be better, right? Right?
-Back stage some hooker is ironing her belt and talking to herself in a mirror like she’s high. Oh wait, that’s no hooker, that’s Madison Rayne! Oh but the rest is true...
- “Every Segment” Bully Ray is in the ring wondering if we know who he is. How could we not, Bully. You are in every goddamned segment! Anyway, he’s here to yell at Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park, who, inexplicably, is still sitting in the audience. Bully wants to fight him right now because apparently every night is Open Fight Night if you’re Bully Ray. As the camera faces the crowd, I am left to try to imagine just how many family photos have been ruined in this audience. My guess is a lot. Anyway, Park finally gets goaded in to the ring. Bully admits to leaving Abyss for dead (Even though he showed up in the iMPACT zone like 2 weeks ago). Park has had enough and he wants to fight! Bully decides that this match needs to happen at Slamiversary. Great...
-Let’s wash that taste out of our mouths and BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS! This week we get an X-Division Title match between Triple A Austin Aries taking on former champ Chris Sabin. I can’t say a bad word about this match because matches like this are the reason I can sit through two hours of this show. Regardless, the champ retains on your textbook reversal/roll-up/fast count scenario. There is no way this wasn’t the match of the night. 5 Stars being the glimmer of light in the darkness.
-Backstage we see Hulk Hogan cornering Taz and forcing him to be a Gut Check judge because I guess Ric Flair doesn’t work there anymore but no one is willing to admit it on air. Mike Tenay will probably blurt it out during a match later because apparently he has Spoiler Tourettes. So just when you hoped TNA would pull a TNA and just forget about this gimmick/storyline altogether, we get a 4 hour backstage segment with Brother Love, Al Snow and Taz talking about that abominable tryout match last week for that kid who’s name doesn’t matter because after that match he had against Aries, he’ll be lucky to even get to jerk the curtain at the MBYTWF. Buhleedat playa.
-In the ring, Dixie Carter is here to play a little kissass with the fans, and announce that TNA is getting its own Hall of Fame. She is also here to let us know that we have a new authority figure heading up the knockouts division. We already know who it is because Tenay blurted it out last week. The She-Hulk comes out and she looks like she is about to burst out of her dress, and not in a good way. Lucky for us, the Hulkstress got her dads body and her mom’s charisma. I can barely stand to listen to her babble.
-Since Slamiversary is coming soon, we get a video package of Christian Cage putting everybody over.
-It’s TV Championship Time! Tonight, as if this belt wasn’t stupid enough, TNA decided to let the fans decide who’d fight RBD tonight. The winner, with 40something percent of the vote is Ed Hardy. That sucks. I was really hoping to tie Andy’s tongue with an RBD VS BVD match. That would have been fun. Anyway, we get to see these two fight and since they’ve been fighting each other in tag matches since the 70’s I expect this should be a pretty tight match. I’d describe it but you’ve seen it before, I’m sure. The twist this time is that the Robbies came out and caused the No Contest, allowing the champ to retain. This was the match of the night for sure. 5 stars for not messing up a sure thing for once.
-Down on the farm of James Storm, we get to listen to him cry some more about how much he sucks and doesn’t want to come back to iMPACT.
-Gut Check is in the ring. Joey Ryan is out to beg for a job one last time. I’m having trouble staying awake. Thankfully they did the right thing and kicked his greasy ass to the curb.
-Finally, it’s MAIN EVENT MAIN EVENT TIME!! One third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels takes on AJ Styles in a Blackmail Match. These two know each other very well so this match is outstanding from start to finish. AJ unleashes his patented offence and Daniels attempts the same (patent pending). The two trade sick offence for twenty minutes and AJ finally gets the pin. Immediately following the pin, another third of the KKK, Kazarian, comes out to attack AJ. The final third, Kurt Angle finally comes out and is apparently on AJ’s side for some reason. What kind of world do we live in when the KKK can’t even keep united? Anyway, the faces? get beat down and Kaz and Kris take the opportunity to give us more information about AJ’s ahsexual proclivities if you wheeeeel. Daniels seems to think we don’t believe his story but the reality is that we just don’t give a crap. So Daniels plays the audio from a phone call between Dixie and AJ and it is apparently scandalous for a reason that is completely lost on me. Dixie completely loses her shit however and goes ballistic on the inside of the production truck. I guess we’ll have to find out next week just what this all means. Oh goodie... Since this match set up yet another stellar “We have nothing better for this guy to do” match for Slamiversary as Kurt and AJ will now take on the KK, this is probably the match of the night. 5 stars for um... Why the hell does Kurt care what happens to AJ exactly?
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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