iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how last week two thirds of the KKK came out to let AJ know that Klaire’s baby is his? And remember how Hogan and Sting got beat up by a bunch of masked men calling themselves Aces & Eights? You don’t? Well too bad for you, because it was glorious!
-So since we’re here anyway, how’s about we recap this bitch, shall we?
- Taz and Tenay let us know that Hulk Hogan suffered a broken pelvis as a result of the Aces&Eights attack. Most people Hogan’s age who suffer that kind of injury never actually end up leaving the hospital so... fingers crossed?
-Oh yeah, I almost forgot. ITS OPEN FIGHT NIGHT TONIGHT! Plus BOUND FOR GLORY continues TONIGHT! Plus GUT CHECK happens again TONIGHT!
-In the zONE, Early contender for Rookie of the year, James Storm is here!! He gets on the mic and asks if he can be serious for a minute... He reminds us that we have a new world champ. He reminds us that he still wants to kick the crap out of Bobby Roode. He reminds us that he should be the sheriff because he’s the company’s only cowboy and so he should be in charge of dealing with Aces&Eights. BUT FIRST! He wants to prove himself against Kurt Angle and get himself a few more points.
-Kurt Angle is HERE! Or is he? He no-sells two rounds of his entrance music before someone is sent to go find him. When he does, we find that Kurt has also been laid out by Aces & Eights! Taz lets us know that no one knows who they are, but they sure aren’t playing games. At least games that aren’t card games. And they certainly aren’t being lead by Sean O’Haire.
-Now Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe is here and he wants to call someone out! He is lookin to get spiritual up in here so he’s callin out The POPE! Di Angelo De Negro is here!! Since this isn’t an X-Division match, it’s hard to say who the favorite is in this one. Mike “The Spoiler” Tenay lets us know mid match that TNA has signed a “New Talent” and it’s Chavo Guerrero Jr but, you’ll find that out later. Back in the match, Joe was getting beaten like he stole something for most of the match when De Negro lost focus for a split second and got caught in some sort of Arm Bar that Taz said the name of but it sounded racist so I’m not going to repeat it here. All in all this was a really fun short match. It’s definitely an early match of the night contender. 5 Stars for getting right to the point.
-Outside in the parking lot, Ravishing Bobby Roode is here, and he’s PISSED! He lets us know that he had nothing to do with Aces & Eights but he’s going to call out the champ Jason Hervey, and there’s not a damned thing you can do to stop him! FLUUUUUUUUUKE!!
-Back in the zONE, we finally get the match we’ve all been waiting for! Ed Hardy takes on Robbie EEEEE!!! Hardy only has makeup on one side of his face tonight. I wonder if anyone realizes that’s a symptom of a stroke. I’m sure you’d be shocked to know that occasionally Robbie TEE gets involved in the match, helping out his friend against the Intoxicated Enigma. Eventually Hardy, clearly in a blackout, gets confused about who he’s fighting, and starts beating down the big Robbie until he gets himself counted out. Robbie E wins!!! This was definitely the Upset of the night and since Robbie EEE got the win over the only person in the company I hate more than Robbie EEE, I’ll even give it 5 stars for HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU HARDY!! YOU JUST JOBBED TO TNA’S HORNSWOGGLE.
- Outside, we get a segment that lets us know that the Knockouts Tag Champs are back in town! Yay! This show is definitely better when EY is here.
-Luckily next, we get a video recap of AJ’s Baby Mamma Drama because the show was on the verge of becoming entertaining. Thanks for not letting us get our hopes up, TNA.
-In the ring, Backstage Jeremy Borash is here to let us know that it is muthafuckin Gut Check TIME! This month, our Gut Check competitor is none other than “Cancer Free” Sam Shaw!! Just when we’re about to find out who his opponent is going to be, Aces & Eights come out and beat him to DEATH! Well not really, but he becomes just another victim, kid! Also, that was probably the best Gut Check segment so far.
-Mr Kenderson is here!! And he’s here to call out someone he respects. AJ Styles. This oughta be good. Textbook mutual respect match here. Lots of back and forth action in this one. It was more or less even throughout the bout. Kenderson gets his second match in as many weeks to span a commercial break. The pace picked up at the end as the two fumbled their way through a chain wrestling clinic that ended with Kenderson stealing the roll up win. Even though the match was about 5 minutes too long, it was probably the match of the night. 5 stars for dragging it out.
-Thankfully Klaire is here to give us an even shitter segment than the last one to help us forget it. She says that since he wouldn’t answer her calls, she has to come talk to him in the ring. She then shows some pictures of her rubbing her cracky skankness all over him while he appears to be passed out. In all seriousness, where I come from, we call that rape.
-Thankfully Bob Van Damn is here to give us an even shittier segment than the last one, to help us forget it. Since it’s open fight night, BVD wants to see how bad he can sandbag Kristopher Daniels. As if this match didn’t have enough going against it, joining on commentary is some jerk from Bellator to tell us all about the Bellator 72 ppv that is happening tomorrow. (Editor’s Note: It already happened and no one gave a shit). There was lots of back and forth action in this one. BVD went for his finisher, the Facefullofasssweat but Kristopher was able to reverse it and get the three count. Even though I barely paid attention to it, I’m sure it was the match of the night. 5 stars for keeping BVD down.
-Back stage, Joseph Park is giving New Bishoff some legal advice and telling him about his match with Bully Ray. Bishoff wonders about the look in his eye, and Park thinks Bishoff might have taken a few too many shots to the head but actually he’s just an idiot.
-In the zONE, Magnus is entering the ring when Whatshisname jumps him from behind and we have our final BFG match for the night. Magnus takes an absolute pounding in this one. It’s not often he has to try to take such a man the size of Whatshisname. Finally the opening presents itself and Magnus is able to get on top. He really gives it to whatshisname for quite a while and gets to the brink of finishing a few times. Eventually, just when you think he’s ready to put Whatshisname to bed, Whatshisname hits an RKO out of nowhere and gets three. This match was full of hot action and had to be the match of the night. 5 implied stars.
-The Ravishing one is here. He’s here to tell all you Obese Orange Farming Idiots to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man calls out the champ and he wants a piece of Austin Aries to let him know that his win was just a fluke.
-Aries is HERE and we have a match! Shut up, I’m trying to watch! Hell of a match. It’s so good that even the announcers are speechless for stretches at a time. Occasionally they try to pin the Aces & Eights storyline on Roode, but he’s clearly busy right now getting the belt back. An amazing match. It was joy to watch till the end when the Aces & Eights come out and beat down Aries and not Roode. Hmm, I wonder if that is significant in some way. It could have been except then the banditos started beating down Roode as well. Taz then utters the fateful line that I am sure we are going to hear ad nauseum for the duration of this angle when he calls this “Total Nonstop Anarchy!!!”
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT
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