iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how last week that Klaire gave photographic evidence of the time she sexually assaulted AJ Styles after he was passed out? Remember how the Aces & Eights killed every potentially interesting thing from happening on the show leaving us with a match between Ed Hardy and Robbie EEE? No? Well aren’t you lucky.
-Maybe you’ll remember this week. Lets get our recap on, shall we?!?!
-TONIGHT!! More Bound for Glory! TONIGHT!! Gut Check is BACK! TONIGHT!! Chavo Gurrerrererro Junior is HEEEEEEERE!! TONIGHT!!
-THIS IS STING is here and he lets us know that Dixie put him back in charge of iMPACT because Hulk Hogan is probably not going to ever leave the hospital (fingers crossed), and he’s ready to fight the Aces and Eights. World Champ Triple A Austin Aries and Kurt Angle also make their way out to the ring to show solidarity. Thankfully we’re joined by Ravishing Bobby Roode and he’s here to tell all you fat ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man sorts out this Aces and Eights business. He lets us know that the mastermind behind the group is none other than newcomer James Storm! Considering they all arrived in TNA around the same time, there may be something to this. Since the truth hurts, the young hothead barrels out to the ring to beat the hell out of the ravishing one. Sting of course, prevents anyone else from getting involved. What a dick.
-Back stage, Jason Hervey is following Bobby Roode around listening to him rant about Aces and Eights and their leader, James Storm. Roode grabs his suitcase and leaves. This is also when I should have left…
-A bunch of people talk about Chavo Goriero
-But the slow pan on Christy Hemme means IT’S KNOCKOUTS TIME. Remember three weeks ago when Madison started making out with Earl Hebner? Unfortunately TNA just did and they decide to recap it while Gail Kim and Madison Rayne walk to the ring. They’re walking to the ring to have a match against Mickey James and Tara. There was lots of hot knockouts action in this one. Some pretty interesting double team segments. Near the end, Tara hit a stiff move on Madison and went for the pin when Gail flew across the ring and backstabed her like some sort of ninja, breaking up the pin in the process. The ending came when Micky tried to roll up Maddy but her shoulders were also down and since Micky isn’t giving it up for free like some people, she was the one who got counted out. This was definitely the knockouts match of the night. 5 stars for favours.
-Backstage, Sting decided that since Austin Aries is the champ, he should have to do Stings dirty work for him and cull the X Division. Aries didn’t seem to question it. More on this later…
- A bunch of people talked about the arrival of Chavo Gurerrereio.
-Since Aces and Eights saved us from, I mean, interrupted it last week, IT’S GUT CHECK TIME!! Cancer Free Sam Shaw is here and he’s going to take on Douglas “Part Time” Williams. Shaw actually put on a pretty decent match here. He dominated the early action before missing a missile drop kick, allowing Williams to take over and end up getting the win. Mid match, Joey Ryan (you may remember him as the previously “fired” gut check competitor with the Boogie Nights gimmick) (Editors Note: Chris. Boogie Nights was a major motion picture from 1997 chronicling the exploits of an adult film actor in the 1970’s and 1980’s. It starred Mark Wahlberg, Heather Graham, Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore, William H Macey, Phillip Seymore Hoffman, Don Cheadle, and Luis Guzman. It was written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.) sucker punched Al Snow like a big tough man, then ran away through the crowd. Before that happened, we were looking at a serious match of the night candidate. 5 stars for a tryout match where the person trying out, actually tries.
-Back stage, Austin Aries was talking to the X Division. He was apparently there to decide who the next challenger for the X Division title is going to be. He shocked us all by taking a black man out of the running. More on this later…
-In the zONE! Chavo Gordita is HEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!! He talked about how his family has won the important championships in every country, on every continent, in every company that matters (Suck it, ROH) except this one. He let us know that when he looked at the wrestlers in the back, he saw hunger. I guess no one told him it’s because they haven’t been paid in weeks. He said they’re hungry to be the best. I wonder if he remembers the last time he worked for a company that was hungry to be the best. They made him ride a broomstick horse named Pepe. Kid Kash and Gunner came out to let us know why no one ever lets them hold microphones as they babbled a bunch of unconvincing and incoherent nonsense. The two attacked Chavo, and Supermex ran in to make the save, since those people always stick together.
-Backstage, the gut check judges tried not to let us know that Sam Shaw will get a contract. Also Al Snow was SUPER PISSED ABOUT JOEY RYAN! You could tell because he was trying to WIN AT YELLING! And he was USING his MAD face!
-It’s Bound for Glory Time! This time, Old Phenom, AJ Styles took on the New Phenom James Storm. Klaire sat at ringside making her dejected face so we’d know she was feeling dejected. Really good, fast paced action in this one from two competitors who can really get it done in the ring. Both competitors gave the match way more effort than it deserved. It really was worth watching until the Aces and Eights came out and everyone. Everyone that is, except James Storm… Until the end, this was sincerely the match of the night. 5 stars for being better than it had any right to be.
- Back stage, Jason Hervey accused James Storm of knowing something about Aces and Eights. He said he doesn’t need them to woop Jason Hervey’s ass. But really, who would…
- It’s Gut Check time again! I’ll spare you the pain and let you know that the votes were two to one in favour of giving him a contract. Which of course means we’ll likely never see him again.
-Back Stage Triple A was making more cuts. To no one’s surprise, he cut the white guy. Leaving the choice between the black guy and the mostly black guy. Shockingly, black guy won! Kenny King got to challenge The Paralyzer for his title TONIGHT!!
-BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS! We already know who was in this match. Zema hoped to hold on to his belt in this one while Kenny would have been happy to be able to walk out after the match under his own power. Lots of fast paced flippity shit and stiff spots in this one. About half way through the match, Ion was sporting a well-defined hand print on his chest (RIP Crippler). King put on a really impressive performance when for some unexplained reason, Bobby Roode showd up and killed King, costing him the victory. Until then, this was easily the match of the night. 5 Stars for swerves.
-Backstage, Every Segment Whatshisname let us know that he was just tweeting that he’s going to beat the best wrestler in the world, Kurt Angle, tonight! If you want to read that tweet, you can follow him @2hot2k.
-It’s MAIN EVENT TIME! Kurt Angle took on Bully Whatshisname in what figured to be a first class smash mouth brawl until Aces and Eights showe up and ruined things. The match delivered and then some. There was tons of hard-hitting action here. So many mud holes were getting stomped that it was becoming impossible to walk them dry. Amazingly the match was NOT broken up by Aces and Eights, when Kurt Angle hit the aptly named Angle Slam and got 7 BFG points for his trouble. This was honestly a really really good match. I know Kurt rarely has a bad one but Ray really is doing the best ring work of his career. It’s almost a toss-up if this match or the Styles/Storm match earlier was better but since this was the main event, we’ll make it match of the night. 5 slaptastic stars!!
-Of course total nonstop anarchy broke out immediately following the match as those Aces and Eights jerks showed up to spoil all the fun. Sting, Aries, and AJ came to the rescue of Bully and Kurt. When they started to get overwhelmed, The Newcomer, James Storm hit the ring and cleared it without actually hitting anyone…. Hmmm… They really gave the illusion here that this storyline was actually advancing. But it didn’t.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT
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