The Microwave - Tale of the Tape: Avengers vs. Independence Day

The VP kidnapped/bribed me to go to the theater with her Saturday night. Me going out to see a new movie is the equivalent of John Tortorella partaking in a game of 21 questions with the New York media. It just doesn’t happen. You can count the non-kid movies I’ve seen in the theater in the past 8 years on one hand: The Expendables, Rush Hour 3, Rocky Balboa, Collateral. That’s it – that’s the list. (Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, Despicable Me, and Cars do not count.)

I also have a genetic disdain for any movie that requires me to completely suspend my disbelief for two hours. I can handle one plot point of disbelief, but beyond that, I’m out. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and anything where the main character has supernatural powers draws immediate ridicule from a guy like me. Shoeless Joe Jackson appearing out of thin air decades after he died? That’s cool.  Doc Brown building a time machine? No problem. But if you’re doing shit with a wand, a ring, a suit of armor, a hammer, a shield, or if you spontaneously turn into a giant green badass with a simple insult, I’m laughing your ass out of the theater.


Given those first two paragraphs, my viewing of The Avengers on Saturday night was a potential trainwreck of epic proportions.


For the most part, however, it was fairly amusing. For someone going in basically blind, I thought the beginning was a bit slow, but necessary, particularly for someone like me who had no clue what this movie was going to be about. The middle portion in which the plot was pushed along was really well done, even if the revolutionary boat that turns into an airship was brought down by two plumbers in Super Mario Bros. 3 more than 20 years ago. And the climatic finish… well, the only thing left was for 1987 Hulk Hogan to show up and drop the big legdrop on the bad guy and pose for the crowd.  Ridiculously over the top, ending never in doubt, completely unbelievable and utterly impossible.


I can see why the geeks out there eat this shit up.


It’s a good movie. It’s not the 8.6 or whatever the hell the dorks have voted it up at IMDB – because that would put it in the same company as films such as Forrest Gump, Se7en, Saving Private Ryan, The Departed, and To Kill a Mockingbird, a notion which is preposterous – but it was entertaining crap. The parallels between it and a summer blockbuster of nearly a generation ago, though, are far too numerous to overlook. The film in question comes in on the admittedly flawed IMDB scale at a 6.7, which is probably where I’d stick The Avengers. The film in question also saw the world at risk from invaders from another planet. The film in question was also a jingoistic, predictable, pile of popcorn that made a shitload of bank at the box office. Let’s break this baby down:

THE AVENGERS vs. INDEPENDENCE DAY

American Badass: Captain America vs. Capt. Steven Hiller

It’s pretty hard to top a dude with the name “Captain America” as the prerequisite badass defending the Stars & Stripes. World War II hero, wears the colors, has a shield that blocks all. But come on, is Chris Evans going to spin his Captain America role into billions of dollars of income over the next 15 years on this performance? No, no he’s not. Will Smith played the fairly undeveloped character of Hiller with so much gusto and charisma that he parlayed it into being arguably been the biggest movie star of the past decade. And he didn’t need to hide behind a friggin shield. Flying jets and UFO’s and dragging smelly ass aliens thru the desert, talking shit the entire time? I’m taking the sheer screen presence of Smith over anything Captain America brings to the table. Hiller, in what should be an upset, but rather what looks like an instance in which the wrong team was favored. ADVANTAGE: ID4

Brain Power: Iron Man vs. David Levinson

Now THIS is an ass whipping. Goldblum gets his shit packed in by Downey. David is a meek, scientific dude working at a TV station who stumbles upon alien transmissions. He proceeds to clumsily stagger thru the remainder of the movie, delivering stilted dialogue, with his only saving grace being that he’s the smart one of the bunch. Tony Stark has no such problems, being the genius, witty, ladies’ man that cruises thru every situation he’s in. Maybe a little too easy, but we’ll look at that later. HUGE ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

The Different Guy: Thor vs. Russell Casse

Another one sided beatdown. Thor comes from this other galaxy with this badass hammer. The VP also chimes in, noting he looks like he’s straight out of a bad romance novel based in Scotland, so bonus points there. Or he loses points there, based upon your opinion. Either way, Chris Hemsworth kicks ass and he looks good doing it. The bumbling Casse, on the other hand, gave us bad acting (not necessarily a bad thing), bad jokes (definitely a bad thing), but perhaps the most real of the multiple storylines behind the ID4 alien invasion: a dad trying to do his best for his kids. Good idea in principle, bad idea in practice with friggin RANDY QUAID as the dad. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

Hey, We Need One More on the Good Guy Side: The Incredible Hulk vs. Julius Levinson

The Hulk’s involvement in The Avengers felt quite a bit forced, like they said, “We’ve got this other badass over here and we don’t know what to do with him.” Did they REALLY have to bring in Dr. Bruce Banner for his scientific knowledge when Stark had the capability to do his homework and learn EVERYTHING IN ONE NIGHT? But they needed an excuse to get the big green guy some action, even if his role on the team didn’t feel organic at all. As for David’s father in Independence Day, his reason for being there was to show his son that he needed to loosen up – and to carry Goldblum’s scenes for him.  Julius at least provided some comic relief at times, but he wasn’t necessary to the film at all. He was a plot prop, nothing more. At least the Hulk caught Iron Man on the way down. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

The Leader: Nick Fury vs. President Whitmore

One would assume that Samuel L. Jackson would wipe the floor with Bill Pullman in this department.  I mean, the guy from Pulp Fiction, Juice, Die Hard with a Vengeance, and SHAFT ought to make a phenomenal leader. What’s Pullman got on his resume? Spaceballs? Have you LOOKED at his IMDB page? It is BRUTAL. But somehow, Fury comes off as paranoid and losing control from within, whereas Whitmore is having his control ripped from him by a diabolical ememy… until he wrests it back with one of the all-time great (read: ridiculously corny) movie speeches. Blood on some trading cards? Nick Fury, sit your ass down. Today is our Independence Day! ADVANTAGE: ID4

Hot Chicks: Natasha & Pepper vs…. Vivica A. Fox?

It’s clear that studios hadn’t quite figured out the sex appeal thing yet in 1996. This isn’t even a fight, it’s a forfeit. DEFAULT ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

We’re Doin It For Johnny: Coulson vs. Capt. Jimmy Wilder

Someone’s gotta take one for the team in these types of flicks. These were the two poor saps that drew the short stick. I guess Coulson was one of Fury’s right hand men, but I was given little reason otherwise to care about him. I had to look his name up, that’s how much of an impact he made in the film. Jimmy, on the other hand, cracked jokes with Hiller for the first part of ID4, and while we didn’t have a huge vested interest when the aliens finally shot him out of the sky, it was a slight bummer to see Harry Connick, Jr. out of the movie so early. Instead, we were left with Smith and Pullman carrying a bunch of stiffs to a watchable film. ADVANTAGE: ID4

Random Good Guy Who Doesn’t Do Much: The Chick with Fury vs. Robert Loggia

I know NEITHER of their names. That’s ok, because their names don’t matter. They were just there to give the other good guys means to which further the plot along via conversation and/or action. The girl in The Avengers at least got to shoot some people. But none of her scenes were memorable. Loggia didn’t do much, but he managed to come across as the old badass military guy in every scene, despite his lesser role. Nobody’s going to quote whatever that girl’s name is next week. But everyone knows that El Toro was indeed completely destroyed, thanks to Mr. Loggia’s fine work. ADVANTAGE: ID

The Bad Guy: Loki vs. Razor Ramon.  Wait, check that…
The Bad Guy: Loki vs. The Aliens

Loki was a ridiculous character, played totally over the top by whoever the guy is. Some might call it bad acting, but I call it good entertainment for a ridiculous flick such as this one. The rest of the movie is unbelievable, so why should the villain be the least bit believable? Hilariously bad. He was my favorite part of the movie. I could at least halfway believe the Aliens in Independence Day, even if they were bland. Why would the Aliens have much to do with puny earthlings like us? Do you cut a promo on ants when you step all in their antpile? No, so neither should have the Aliens. Their big thing was being able to communicate with telepathy and having badass ships with their “primary weapon.” Loki spoke English (even to mass crowds of Germans – which makes perfect sense, right?), could like clone himself and be two places at once and carried a cool staff thing that he could like brainwash guys with. Even if he was totally ridiculous, he was at least fun. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS

The Plot: Bad Guy Steals Big Ice Thing, Uses It to Open the Space Time Galaxy Black Hole Continuum, Tries to Turn All the Good Guys Against Each Other, Attacks Their Invisible Flying Battleship, Attempts to Rid Earth of All Its Energy vs. Aliens Visit Earth By Spaceships, Commandeer Our Own Satellites to Communicate Mass Worldwide Attack via Insane Laser Beams, Attempt to Rid Earth of All Its Energy

The Aliens’ “primary weapon” laser beam was totally over the top. However, everything that happened in the Avengers makes it look completely plausible. Just… read the matchup again and tell me which one makes more sense. There really doesn’t have to be a million things going on. ADVANTAGE: ID4

The Finish: Steal the Ice Staff, Wipe Out the Bad Guys, Fly a Nuclear Bomb into the Space Time Galaxy Black Hole Continuum, Close Space Time Galaxy Black Hole Continuum while Lots of Shit Blows Up and the Good Guys Never Get Hit vs. Fly to the Mother Ship, Install a Virus in its Computer to Shut its Force Field Down, Hit Center of Ship like Legend of Zelda, Tell Rest of World How to Do It

Oh lord, where do I start? Both of these are so ludicrous that I’m tempted to disqualify both movies right here and throw the match out. First of all, I’m not sure either movie (or perhaps any movie EVER) has a more ridiculous plot point than “COMPATIBILITY BE DAMNED, WE’RE GONNA PUT A VIRUS ON A COMPUTER THAT WAS MADE ON ANOTHER PLANET!” This was 1996 we are talking about here. They’ve got a laser that can turn New York and L.A. into parking lots but you’re gonna roll up there with your Windows 95 and shut down the mainframe? SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE. I’m not even touching the rest of that sequence, from the flying out of the mother ship to blowing up the primary weapon.  However, is that really that much more silly than Iron Man carrying an atomic bomb thru a black hole and blowing up the bad guys across the universe? What, was Superman not available to fly backwards around the Earth to turn back time? I appreciate the great effects of the flying chase scene thru NYC with the alien ships shooting everything, but the good guys hitching rides on the back and never getting hit? Wait, Hawkeye got nicked in the shoulder I think. I’m sure that affected him in shooting arrows blindly and never missing. (And here’s another thing, HE NEVER RAN OUT OF ARROWS! Was his pouch of arrows like the bike chain in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?) God, both of these climatic scenes were SO BAD. Very fun, but bad. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but despite the presence of the Space Time


Galaxy Black Hole Continuum and all the plot holes such an idea opens up, I think the ID4 end game was somehow worse. Anything but a virus. Unless it’s Cyrus the Virus, but that’s a different summer blockbuster. ADVANTAGE: AVENGERS


FINAL SCORE: AVENGERS 6-5


There you have it. By the slimmest of margins, The Avengers is indeed a better flick than Independence Day. That doesn’t mean, though, that I’m going back to watch it anytime soon. I’ll take the rewatchability of ID4 any day of the week. Nobody’s going to be quoting Avengers 20 years from now.  It’s just another comic book movie, like the other 30 or so that have been released in the past decade.  Independence Day was cutting edge in ’96. Every end of the world melodrama since then can trace its roots to that summer. The special effects, the snarky humor, the bad acting… it changed the game.


Final story before I close. The night after we watched this, the oldest snuck back downstairs before bed while me and the VP were, like neanderthals, eating cake straight out of the pan in the kitchen. He came up to us and asked in a whisper, as to not wake up the girls who were already sleeping, “Can I have a piece?” The VP answered him back in a whisper: “Piece? Nooooo pieeeeeeece.”

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Northern Reflections – A Bunch of Quick Hits

It’s been how many and a half months since I wrote a blog entry? Two? That’s a lot. Busy with family, busy at work, I’m sure my ones of readers understand.

So, what’s happened since mid-March? Plenty, I’d imagine. Here’s what I’ve got off the top of my head:


The Stanley Cup Playoffs

In the West, the 8-seed LA Kings (a.k.a. the West Coast Flyers) shocked the world (outside of the U.S., where they don’t watch ice soccer), beating the 1, 2, and 3 seeded Canucks, Blues, and Coyotes to make the Finals. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s never happened in pro sports before – 8-seeds have made finals, but not by going through the 1, 2, and 3 is my guess.

In the East, my Philadelphia Flyers won the highest-scoring series in the history of time (source: Wikipedia) against the stupid Penguins before completely forgetting how to score goals in the second round and falling to the stupid Devils. The stupid Devils are playing Game 6 tonight against the stupid Rangers. I’m pulling for the lesser of two evils and hoping the stupid Devils advance to lose to the Kings.

My concern about the Kings is that they’ll have been off for eight days by the time the Finals start on May 30 (all games start at 8p.m. ET, check your local listings). That break will help them get healthy, but it will also completely negate their incredible momentum. Here’s hoping they can keep the mojo going. I’d love to see Carter, Richards, Williams, and the rest of the West Coast Flyers get a Cup, even if it’s not with the right team.


Stella Ella Ola’s Free EP

A Canadian band called Stella Ella Ola released a self-titled four-song EP for free. Since it was brought to my attention by Hollerado, whose awesome Record In a Bag album I reviewed here back on March 9, I figured I’d give it a listen. I honestly expected to half pay attention then delete the files. I mean, it’s free – how good can it be? What happened instead is that I was completely drawn in. I now follow the band on Twitter (@_StellaEllaOla_) and Facebook, and I’m very eagerly awaiting the release of their full album (which is, apparently, scheduled to drop in the fall).

I’m going to wait for the full release to do a review. In the meantime, go here to download the four-track EP for free: http://stellaellaola.bandcamp.com/album/stella-ella-ola-ep. Seriously. Do it. It’s a few minutes of your time to get four great songs for free. You’ll thank me later.


The Flawedcast Network

Holy shit did this take off. Congrats to all involved, but especially to Andy Gaston, who’s the driving force behind it.

During my blogging hiatus, I also fell behind on the podcasts, so I missed a bunch of Flawedcast Prime, Monday Night Flaw, and WTNY episodes, but I’m back to listening to those regularly, along with Gamer and Proud and Army of Dorkness. I haven’t heard MMA-Hole yet. I have zero interest in MMA, so I doubt it would be for me, but I hear good things for anyone out there who is interested. I am looking forward to TV for Vendetta. Hope that hits soon.

Seriously, congrats guys. This is a lot of fun. Keep up the awesome.


The NBA Playoffs

I understand that these are occurring.


The Avengers

Wow. This is a very good movie. Not Oscar-good, but popcorn-great. Fuck the Oscars anyway. They don’t concern themselves with “movies.” They deal in “films.”

If you haven’t seen The Avengers, you might be the only one. It’s on pace to become the highest-grossing thing that’s ever been done (source: Wikipedia). I’m not reviewing it here. If you want a review, there are thousands available on that Internet thingy, and Army of Dorkness carved out a tight 6.5 hours of an 8-hour show to talk about it. Just see it if you haven’t. It’s awesome.


Jack White’s New Album

Not surprisingly, Blunderbuss is really fucking good. White’s able to make an album that’s clearly not The White Stripes, but still has the occasional nod to the band. On top of that, it’s clean, language-wise, which is important to me because there’s a dearth of really good music I can share with my daughter. I’d love to have her listening to Green Day, Foo Fighters and Beastie Boys, but you can’t just hit play and walk away. You have to monitor each song as it comes up and be ready to hit FF if it’s swear-laden, which many of them are.


R.I.P. MCA

Speaking of Beastie Boys…

Poor dead MCA. Along with his band mates, the guy entertained me for 25 years. I owe him a huge debt of “Gratitude” (couldn’t resist) for that. I haven’t been this upset about a celebrity death since Clarence Clemons, and those are probably the only two that have really affected me. (Even Cobain didn’t bother me much. It was shocking, but not surprising, and I’d moved on to Pearl Jam by the time it happened.)

I listened to Licensed to Ill and Paul’s Boutique sparingly as a kid. I enjoyed them (and still do), but the band was really a comedy act at that point. They changed that image with Check Your Head, and that’s when I really started paying attention. I love that album. They followed it with the masterpiece that is Ill Communication, and then they fell off a bit. Hello Nasty was merely good, which, to me, was a letdown after back-to-back greatness. Then To the Five Burroughs happened. I guess it’s my fault for expecting more than a love letter to a post-9/11 New York City, but I was really disappointed in this album. Even when they dropped the pure comedy, these guys were still all about fun. Well, not with this album. It’s dark and it’s angry, and it took the band a long time to release another (rap) album.

Seven years after Burroughs, and well into MCA’s battle with throat cancer, Beastie Boys released Hot Sauce Committee Part Two in 2011. What a great album. It goes back to the basics, with the band not taking themselves or their music too seriously – but not sacrificing quality for an instant. A really fun, star-studded video for “Make Some Noise” only added to the excitement I felt for this album. It was getting better and better with each listen.

And then MCA died.

I knew he was sick. I knew this was a possibility. I was still waiting with bated breath for the concert tour announcement. I was really looking forward to seeing Beastie Boys tear up a stage one more time.

But MCA died.

I can’t imagine what Ad Rock, Mike D, and the extended Beastie Boys family have gone through over the past few months. I know it’s immeasurably worse for them than it is for me. But I hurt too. I hurt for them, and I hurt for me. I hurt for everyone who won’t get to see Beastie Boys in concert (again or for the first time). I hurt for the knowledge that there’s no follow-up album to Hot Sauce coming. I hurt for selfish reasons, and I don’t care.

But I’m also thankful. Thank you, MCA, for 25 years of entertainment. I obviously didn’t know you, but everything I’ve ever seen or read tells me you were a really decent human being who was loved and respected by everyone who was lucky enough to know you. There may not be any new music coming, but you’ve left behind an unparalleled library for us to enjoy forever. So thank you.


And that’s it for me. Sorry to end it on a down note. I was just firing stuff out as it occurred to me, but that’s the first I’ve written about MCA, and it made me sad, and I don’t feel like writing anymore now.

If you’ve got thoughts you’d like to share on MCA or any of the other topics I covered, post them in the Comments box. I’m particularly interested to hear what people think of the Stella Ella Ola EP.

And I’m still very open to “Blog-on-demand.” If you’ve got something you want me to spout off on, just let me know.

Have fun. Play safe.

Your pal,

~Hodgey

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Dark Shadows: That one with Johnny Depp where he acts weird.

Stop me if you have seen this movie before: directed by Tim Burton, starring Johnny Depp, and his wife Helena Bonham Carter. No seriously, I will wait for you to figure which of the Tim Burton abortions I could be describing. Time's up because it is Dark Shadows and it is awful. Burton has been responsible for putting some really bad "film" in front of us before. Which is why saying that this is probably his worst effort to date is really saying something, although with "FrankenWeenie" will be coming out soon so that distinction could, and probably will, be short lived.

I was not alive for nor have ever actually watched an episode of the original TV show that Burton adapted Dark Shadows. I suspect that Timmy boy shares the latter part of that statement with me as I learned from researching the source material, also named Dark Shadows. It appears as though he went through the imdb listing for the old show, like I did, and just pulled names from the characters and then put his dumb and tired staple of throw some gothic design at it concept and then called it a day. It actually baffles me that people not only keep letting him make movies, but that people actually keep going to them and then defending the trash afterwards.

Then there is the Johnny Depp situation. We get it. You like to put makeup on and play the exact same character you have in virtually every Tim Burton movie ever. Why not just let Tim, Johnny, and Helena make home movies and spare everyone else the indignity of having to know that this trash exists, but something terrific like Cabin in the Woods had to be in release limbo for almost three years after it was completed?

Back to making fun of the movie itself, in Burton's world of vampires, they are able to go out in broad daylight with the protection of an umbrella and sunglasses, umm ok then. The movie is also supposed to be a comedy, which I had to look up on imdb to find that detail out because there are actually negative laughs to be had in this dreadful affair. The only bright spots in the thing are when Eva Green is on screen looking absolutely bombshell-like. Other than that there isn't really much here to get excited about. Chloe Moretz, who is normally a great actress, is especially disappointing in it because I had high hopes for her to save part of the movie at least. At almost two hours long it is both painful to watch and just a very long snoozefest that I could have avoided altogether, but I needed to watch something that I knew would be bad. I guess that the point could be made that I never really gave this trash a chance, but I did. Unfortunately for me and anyone else who goes to watch Dark Shadows, it has a bad beginning, middle, ending, and at no point does it ever let the viewer off the hook of never wanting to see it again.

Final verdict: If you want to have something to complain about then waste your time watching Dark Shadows, if not, then just go watch The Avengers again.

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A Dick Talking About Flicks - That's so Raven

 Welcome to my first posting on Punshouse. I am a dick and I talk about flicks. Enjoy


“The Raven” was one of those movies that I have looked forward to watching since the day that I found out it was even being conceptualized. As a guy who has taken his fair share of writing and literature classes, Poe has always been one of my favorite authors to read and re-read. The idea of a movie involving Poe as an actual character and not just based from one if his creations was truly exciting on paper, unfortunately much like other things, this idea may not have been worth the paper it was printed on.


The Raven borrows its namesake, of course, from one of Poe’s most famous works, but make no mistake this is in no way anything more than a fictional take on Edgar’s last days on this earth which do remain somewhat of a mystery to this day. If you know the backstory for Poe’s death then the ending could be quite spoiled for you already if you are clever enough to put two and two together, but I will let you figure out the mystery on your own because it is actually a halfway decent story if you enjoy a good mystery.


We are greeted in the first frame by a Tarantino-esque showing of one of the final scenes of the movie before we backtrack to the beginning of the tale. The next scene is our introduction to the killer, at least to his crafty ways. Unfortunately this is also where John Cusack decided to channel Nic Cage in all of his over-acting glory as he is so far over the top that I began to wonder if Sly Stallone was going to appear like magic and challenge him to an arm wrestling match. I’m not sure if Johnny boy decided to really get into the role by getting a steady flow of drugs into his system, but he does at least settle down around the halfway mark and only has occasional flare ups throughout the remainder of the movie so if you can just make it through the first thirty minutes or so then you should be able to make it to the end without much prodding.


The biggest drawback to the movie is whether or not you can deal with the prevalence of bad acting performances. Personally I caught myself groaning more than a few times which is why ultimately I think that your enjoyment level for “The Raven” is going to boil down to your interest in Poe’s life and his works. Seeing “The Pit and the Pendulum” contraption be brought to life was one of the many nice touches thrown into the story. There are also nods to “The Cask of Amontillado” which is one of my personal favorites, and of course “The Raven” itself is referenced amongst a few of his lesser known works.


The story weaves and winds its way blending factual information with highly stylized fiction into what would have been a nice conclusion. An ending worthy of Poe himself, that is until the writers just could not help themselves and had to wrap everything up with a pretty little bow. It was actually disheartening for a movie that seemed to really want to capture the spirit of Poe’s depraved mind and generally less than tidy endings to take such an easy way out, but of course that is the weakness of storytelling in the modern age of everyone wanting a “happy ending” rather than the more interesting option.


Luke Evans and Alice Eve do play a nice counter-balance to John Cusack's rather cartoonish delivery but even they fall prey a few times to the bad acting bug which I would really place more blame on director James McTeigue than anyone. I realize that he did direct "V for Vendetta," but he also worked on The Matrix movies, Street Fighter, and Speed Racer so it isn't like he is the greatest judge of telling actors to tone it the fuck down.


Final verdict: save yourself the money and just wait for it to come to a redbox near you unless you are a huge Poe fan.

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Eternal Sunshine of the Southern Poor Girl - 10 Reasons I Love Office Space

We have another blog from Courtney Smith over at Eternal Sunshine of the Southern Poor Girl:


In the first of a many-multi-part "10 Reasons I Love..." series, I'm going with one of my favorite comedies of all time: the perennial I-hate-my-job-so-very-very-much classic from 1999, Office Space. This movie has it all: a guy who wants it all, but doesn't want to slave his life away to get it. The pretty, sarcastic girl who is underappreciated and hates her job. The complete and utter nerd and loser who you know will ultimately triumph. The bumbling corporate executives who give promotions to people who don't deserve it. And the boss who you cannot stand because he's a complete jerk. (But everyone watching the movie loves him...or maybe that's just me.) And...it's the only Jennifer Aniston movie I like. Period. End of story. Written and directed by the awesome Mike Judge, let's explore my favorite moments of this modern classic.

1) The entire scene where they destroy the copier and then dance in Peter’s apartment. Ok, I know this is a gimme because everyone loves this scene. But my favorite part isn't actually the destroying of the copier, but Samir’s sweet b-boy moves afterwards. Like, for real, he is gangsta-dancing and then he just bust it out. Ah-mazing.

2) Michael Bolton turns down the rap music when he sees the black guy. Another gimme, but I actually did this when I first starting driving. And it's always been a favorite part of mine since. Oh, white guilt.

3) Jennifer Aniston’s stealing logic. I love how Peter tries to justify he and his buddies' plan to rip off Initech. He talks and talks and talks and all Jennifer Aniston says is, "How is that not stealing?" Love it. Also, I don't call Jen by her character's name. She is Jennifer Aniston.

4) “I hate that guy!” We all have that one person at work who we cannot stand. Either they're a kiss-ass or a whiner or they shine a little more brightly than we do. Instead of explaining it all, Jen just sums in up in one nice, neat little sentence. And with a perfect scowl on her face to match.

5) Bill Lumbergh. Just everything about him. Maybe it's because I actually say, "What's happening?" Not in that voice, but in my own nice way. But I think it's the fact that he takes himself completely seriously that makes me love him. He think he is the Big Kahuna Matata. But, instead of freaking out and throwing a hissy fit when Peter starts doing his awesome-chill thing, he just takes it in stride. Doesn't get mad. Doesn't curse anybody out. Just takes it stride.

6) “Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina Speaking. Just a Moment.” We also all have that one person at work who is completely stupid. A pure space cadet. Whenever I really want to just bug the shit out of someone, I'll start saying this one line. And it works. Every time.

7) All those “fractions of a penny” add up to over $300,000 in three days. Michael states they there are a couple million transactions per day. So, let's assume that each transaction is a 20% of a penny. .2 of a penny multiplied by a million is $2,000 a day. So there would've had to been 50 million transactions per day to make $300,000. So, while I love that they make that kind of money in three days, it's completely unrealistic. But I love it all that same.

8) Jennifer Aniston flipping off her boss after he bitches her out for following company policy. Ooooh, that guy bugs me. I have had jobs where I've had to wear buttons and such-- not 15 at once-- but all the same, I would forget the button and get scolded. It's a FREAKIN' button. Anyway, I know that the reason he's on her so hard is because he wants her to show more enthusiasm, but for real...back the fuck off, dude. Some people work just for the money. They do not have to be a cheerleader for their work place.

9) The birthday song on Lumbergh’s birthday. Please tell me this has happened at you guys' work too. It has at mine and it's awesome.

10) Milton wins out in the end, but is still bitching about shit. I love Milton even though he would bug the crap out of me in real life. He just gets shit on the entire movie, but in the end, he gets to enjoy what most people wish was their everyday life: sitting on a island sipping pina coladas. But he really wants a mai tai. And no salt-- NO SALT-- for his margarita. I'm with ya, dude. Mai Tais are delicious and salt is horrible on a marg.

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Sollywood - Go Fuck Yourself, Hollywood Part II Again Two

Hollywood, I totally understand you're in the business of making money. I get that, really.  But for the love of fuck, STOP MAKING UNNECESSARY SEQUELS.


Obviously everything can't be "The Godfather, Part II" but who exactly was clamoring for sequels to "Midnight Run" and "Twins"?


If you haven't seen "Midnight Run", I highly suggest you bump it to the top of your viewing queue. Ask this blogger if you want more proof. Or this one. A fantastic movie with a great ending and absolutely NO need to make a sequel some 25 years later, especially with Brett Ratner at the helm. De Niro's attached to it but what about Charles Grodin? If you absolutely positively have to continue the story of Walsh and The Duke, bring EVERYBODY back. And I mean everybody from director Martin Brest to actors like Dennis Farina, Joe Pantoliano, Yaphet Kotto, and John Ashton. Do it right or don't do it at all.


I liked "Twins" when it came out. It is what it is. A one-joke comedy that showed off Ah-nuld's (limited) comedy chops. Now there's word that "Twins" will become "Triplets", with Eddie Murphy being the long-lost triplet.


EEES FUNNY BECAUSE HE EES BLACK, YES?


Look, I'm not against the idea of a sequel to a successful movie. The first three Indiana Jones movies are timeless, as is the original Star Wars trilogy. They advanced the story, they developed the characters, they weren't (totally) a cash grab. More recently, the Bourne movies were tremendous and really well-done (not in love with the idea of a Damon-less Bourne but we'll see).


Here's my problem: there were 27 sequels in 2011 alone, with more on the horizon. How about a little originality? Not everything has to be "Inception" but Jesus Christ, do we need six "Fast and Furious" films? Do we need three "Hangover" movies when the only difference is the location?


Here's a partial list of completed or proposed sequels, tell me if any of these NEED to be made.

• Men in Black 3
• GI Joe 2
• Ghostbusters 3 (read my rant here)
• Die Hard 5
• Rambo 5 (OK I'd see this. Fuck off.)
• Get Smart 2
• Indiana Jones 5 (NO FUCKING WAY)
• Mad Max 4
• I, Robot 2
• Austin Powers 4
• Falling Down 2 (WHAT? He died in the first one!)
• Hancock 2 (I almost walked out of the first one)
• Top Gun 2 (Sighs...)
• Beverly Hills Cop 4 (Eddie, just stop already)
• Avatar 2 and 3
• Terminator 5
• Jurassic Park 4

Still reading? Here are some completed or proposed remakes. Again, are these needed?

• Total Recall
• Spiderman (How do you reboot a trilogy that began in 2002?)
• Child's Play
• The Lone Ranger (With Johnny Depp as Tonto. That's more offensive to Native Americans than the Indians logo.)
• Robocop
• Scarface 
• Short Circuit
• Point Break
• WarGames
• Time Bandits (Hi Nate!)
• Commando
• Lethal Weapon

Instead of trying to re-invent the wheel, how about coming up with something original for once?  Sequels are fine but like everything else in life, everything's better in moderation.*






*Except "Rambo 5", which I clearly plan on seeing with a stick of butter in my hand and my pants around my ankles.

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