Random Moosings - ROH Review 03/17/12

Ooooh, you cannot reach me now

Ooooh, no matter how you try
Goodbye, cruel world, it's over
Walk on by.

Sitting in the third row here behind ringside
Waiting to leave Du Burns sometime.
In perfect isolation here at ringside
Waiting to leave Du Burns sometime.

 We're {waiting for the taping} and going to convene outside the arena

for those in charge where we're going to be...

 Waiting to cut up Grizzly Redwood.

Waiting for Maria, OMG SO PRETTY

Waiting to escape from Du Burns

Waiting to buy a Kill Steen Kill t-shirt

Waiting for Richards to sell for the weaklings

Waiting to put a Briscoe through a window

And kick in their teeth

Waiting for a American Wolf resolution

To ease up my pain

Waiting to escape from Du Burns

Waiting for an attack in the showers

And a brawl between dozens

Waiting for Wrestling’s Greatest Tag Team

To get in the ring

Waiting to escape from Du Burns

Would you like to see Ring of Honor

Tape somewhere else, my friend?

All you have to do is escape from Du Burns.

Would you like to see your family

And sunshine again, my friend?

 All you need to do is escape from Du Burns

We open live……from the Du Burns Ar……..wait a minute……..THIS IS NOT THE DU BURNS ARENA!

 We open in New York City where Adam Cole PINS Davey Richards!  Highlights from the ROH 10^th Anniversary Show.  Davey does the goofy take a knee handshake, but Kyle O’Reily is a dick and doesn’t respect anyone,  Kevin Steen is talking on the balcony of the Hammerstein Ballroom and respects everyone even LESS! Take THAT O’Reily.  Steen is going to haunt Davey until Davey convinces Cornette to give Steen a match.  I like where this is headed!

 We come back and……..DAMN YOU RING OF HONOR! WE ARE STILL IN THE DU BURNS ARENA!! They are never going to leave. 

 We start right off with a match……

 ADAM COLE vs. CHRIS SILVIO

 First, Adam Cole has things to say.  He is thrilled to get the win for the team, but thinks Kyle is a great big douche for not shaking his hands.  Cole is going to MAKE him respect him……by force!  Cole faces the “Psychedelic Superstar” Chris Silvio.  I kind of dig Silvio, he looks like (as pointed out by Nigel) a throwback to Austin Idol, Jesse Ventura or Billy Graham……except he is about 80 pounds lighter and six inches shorter.  Kyle O’Reily joins Nigel and Kevin on commentary and adds nothing.  This guy just oozes dull.  We find out that O’Reily gets a shot at Lethal’s TV title at Showdown in the Sun on Friday.  This is far less of a squash than I thought it would be.  Silvio is allowed to look kind of good in this one, he bumps his ass off for Cole though.  Cole KILLS Silvio with a fireman’s carry into a neck breaker kind of thing, looked BRUTAL.  Silivo catches Cole with a straight punch to the face, which Cole sells like he had been shot.  Naturally though, Silvio does not go for the cover and moments later, Cole hits the FLORIDA KEY for the win.  Afterward, Kyle O’Reily decides he has not been QUITE enough of a douche and grabs a mic.  He challenges Cole to a match for the Saturday portion of Showdown in the Sun, which, I guess in theory, could be for the ROH TV title if O’Reily beats Lethal on Friday….yeah right.  Cole calls O’Reily a PMS bitch…..can’t really argue with that…..and accepts the match.

 Up next….KEVIN STEEN TALKS…..and I can barely wait!

 COMMERCIALS!

 -the House of Truth comes out, Strong talks up his match, naturally says he is going to walk away with the ROH title.  Elgin says nothing.  That was disappointing.

 WE ARE BACK!  The main event tonight is Jay Lethal vs. Roderick Strong in the first match of the March Mayhem tournament…..more on that later!

 Before that…..Young Wolves Rising in New York…..recap of Jacobs vs. Steen.  Gotta say I wasn’t real big on Jacobs….but after seeing this?  Holy shit.  Between this and the Age of the Fall stuff….wow.  He tries to KILL Steen with a steel spike to the face.  Steen wins, but the match looks AWESOME.

 Steen comes out to the beginning of Davey Richards music, AND he is carrying a tennis racket to mock Cornette.  How many ways can I say I love Kevin Steen?  Steen talks about the Blind Destiny challenge, and wonders if Cornette is going blind.  Steen faces Edwards, and when he beats him, it puts him one step closer to winning the title, which is his destiny…..OMG WORD PLAY!  He is going to win the title and hold ROH hostage, and make Cornette kiss his feet (bad), ass (even worse) and bal…..ahhhh Jimmy C gets out there before Steen can say balls.  Cornette announces his opponent for the Friday portion of Showdown in the Sun and it is……..EL GENERICO!  Now, if this was the WWE, Steen would have flipped out and acted like there was NO WAY he should face El Generico! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME! But not Steen…..Steen is happy about it, which is, once again, why I love Steen. 

 COMMERCIALS!

 INSIDE RING OF HONOR!

 Kevin pimps Showdown in the Sun, which actually looks like a really good two day card.

-Friday 3/30, 8 matches, including Bucks vs. ANX, Lethal vs. O’Reilly and Bennett vs. Storm

-Lance Storm is still alive!  He does a very long and very rambling promo.  And he looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets.  You know, I hated the whole “you’re boring” thing Austin did to Storm back in the day, but holy shit this promo is BRUTAL. 

-the Friday main event is Richards vs. Edwards vs. Strong.  Richards talks about it and bores me to tears.  I hope Richards never teams with Storm, that could be the most boring promo team in the history of wrestling.  I did find out that Richards and Strong used to run together, I did not know that.  He calls Michael Elgin the “War Machine” I like that.  Didn’t they call Rhi(y)no that at one point?  Davey says the only way someone is going to take the title from him is if they walk through the hell he has gone through and pries the title from his cold dead fingers.  I would point out that if he was in hell, his dead fingers probably wouldn’t be cold, but to be realistic, this man COULD kick my head off my shoulders

-Saturday features the three Blind Destiny Challenge matches, Steen vs. Edwards, Lethal vs. Strong and Richards vs. Elgin.  We also have a tag title match war between the Briscoes and WGTT

-the Briscoes dismiss WGTT for wrestling “makeshift” tag teams on Monday nights.  The Briscoes had to go home and tell Papa Briscoe that they got their ass whupped by one man.  That did not go over well.  They guarantee that someone is getting carried out of the ring

-WGTT offer a retort.  They say after the 31^st that is IT.  The last match.  It’s over.  Ok then.  I have a feeling it will NOT be over at all.

 MAIN EVENT TIME!

 March Mayhem.  Eight guys in a tournament, Lethal, Strong, Elgin, Ciampa, Bennett, Edwards, Cole and O’Reily.  Each man put up $1500 and ROH matches it, for a $24,000 prize.  First round matches take place over the next four weeks, then it appears that the final is a four way match. 

 Lethal enters the tournament as the TV champ, but doesn’t have the title because Ciamap took it from him.  They recap their match in New York, and it looked like a pretty good one.  Went to a fifteen minute draw and Ciampa steals the title.  He KILLS Lethal with PROJECT CIAMPA which is a BRUTAL looking move and steals the title.

 RODERICK STRONG vs. JAY LETHAL

 But FIRST…..More commercials!

 Did you know Showdown in the Sun is the end of March?  I promise you it is!  Seems like there might be another wrestling event taking place right around that time too….

 -Kelly pimps the three way match a little more and asks Eddie about the match.  Eddie claims HE is leaving with the title…..wait, Richards and Strong said the same thing! DRAMA!

 We’re BACK! This should be a pretty good match.  They mention again that Ciampa still has the TV title…..but he hasn’t had a match announced for Showdown in the Sun yet.  Wonder if that will change.  They keep saying that they will win $24,000 if they win this tournament, but if they put up $1500, wouldn’t they really only be winning $22,500?  Or can you win back what you put in?  Anyway…..the match. Lethal seems to dominate most of the match, Strong gets the upper hand when Truth interferes.  Strong hits a slingshot suplex, niiiiice, haven’t seen one of those in a long time.  Truth gets involved again and gets KILLED by Lethal, Strong rolls Lethal up and does the good old fashioned feet on the ropes, but only gets a two count.  Elgin comes out and tries to interfere, but it doesn’t work so well, Strong and Elgin smack heads and Lethal rolls him up for the three count.  ROH loves them some roll-up finishes.

 Next week! WGTT vs. Coleman & Alexander, and if I heard right, two more March Mayhem matches, I believe Elgin vs. Cole and Ciampa vs. O’Reily maybe?  I didn’t quite catch it.  Anyway, tune in, it should be good!

 Be sure to check out www.punshouse.com for more ROH reviews and general chatter.  And if you are into fantasy wrestling, there is no fed better than the OOWF, just go to www.oowrestling.com and check us out in the fantasy thread!  We have been going for over seven years now!

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Flawedcast XXX: Hardcore Santorum

Tyler and Andy break down a man crushed by beans, Jason Russell's escapades, Rick Santorum's latest hijinks, and drink Amish drivers. Plus, the drunk statistician comes back, and the debut and finale of the Bill Walton and Jesse Ventura show.

Discuss here!

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Monday Night Flaw - Episode 11

Andy and Chris let you know all the details from the 3/9 episode of Smackdown, the 2/12 episode of Raw and take down a giant pile of email from our adoring fans and Scott's Impact recap. And every single one of the contributors to the show got their own theme song!

Discuss here!

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ROH Review 03/10/12

“Du Burns Arena.   Day 117.  I remember my family.  They were good people.  I miss them terribly.  There were rumors going around today that we would be allowed to leave soon…….I like to think those rumors are true, but I just can’t allow myself to believe that.  The ring rats are starting to look appealing.  I wish I could see the sun one last time.”

Cold open to a recap of Edwards/Strong from last week.  Great match, if a completely overbooked and wonky ending.  To sum it up, Strong cheated, but the referee didn’t see it and counted the pin.  A second referee comes out and somehow restarts the match, Edwards wins.  Cornette says Richards will defend against Edwards AND Strong on March 30^th.  There, we are all caught up with that.

Nigel and Kevin are in the ring.  It must be REALLY annoying to have to do this 10 times in one night.  They talk about the triple threat match on March 30^th, the first day of Showdown in the Sun.  ROH has decided that they are going to have a title match both nights, so they come up with the Blind Destiny Challenge.  Sounds like something I can get behind.  Jimmy Cornette is going to explain.

Essentially, they want two title matches, but they don’t know who is going to win the match Friday night (wink wink).  So, here’s the gist.  Edwards, Strong and Richards will all have singles matches on Saturday.  Whoever wins the triple threat match on Friday night; their match becomes a title defense.  So tonight, we have three matches to determine their opponents.  The three matches tonight are Adam Cole vs. Kevin Steen, winner faces Eddie Edwards.  Kyle O’Reily vs. Michael Elgin, winner faces Davey Richards and Jay Lethal vs. Kenny King, winner faces Roderick Strong.  This seems convoluted, but once you think about the logic, it is a REALLY good idea.  An idea I have ZERO faith in TNA or WWE being able to pull off.  This requires some actual pre-planning, and neither of the other companies seem too keen on doing that.

COMMERCIALS!

-Kevin talks to the All Night Express about their match against the Young Bucks, two matches in two nights.  Kind of gives away the Lethal/King match doesn’t it?  I mean I GUESS King could pull double duty, but that seems unlikely.  I would have picked someone else to face Lethal.  I kind of like King, but Rhett Titus just sounds goofy.  Tornado match and a no DQ street fight.  Should be a good couple of matches

-For some reason Kenny King comes back and talks about the match tonight against Jay Lethal.  King things his destiny is to win the ROH world title.  Aiming things a little high there aren’t you Kenny?

-Lethal kind of has a heel vibe saying he deserves the shot at the title.  Lethal wants the world title, even though he admits he failed a few weeks ago…….though there WERE about twenty men at ringside having a riot.  I wonder if that number will grow?  In a few weeks it could be SEVENTY men having a CAGE MATCH at ringside.  That would be fun.

KENNY KING vs. JAY LETHAL – Blind Destiny Match 1

Winner faces Roderick Strong.  Lethal tries to attack at the bell, and Nigel correctly calls it “shades of Randy Savage”.  Seriously, Lethal DOES have Savage’s mannerisms down to perfection.  Rhett Titus is at ringside with King, and Roderick Strong and Truth Martini come out to the top of the ramp (which, since this is ROH is only about 20 feet from the ring, if that).  I do kind of hate how Lethal calls for the LETHAL INJECTION before his move.  Seems silly to telegraph the move.  Same thing when HBK would stomp the mat for an hour and a half before he hit Sweet Chin Music.  Lethal gets the win with a nice bridging pin.  Not the best match I have ever seen, but certainly not terrible either.

-Adam Cole is geeked to be in this match.  Just months ago he was teaming with that schmuck Kyle O’Reiley, now he has main evented New York, and he faces Kevin Steen.  Wow! Good Gosh!

-Steen wants to smash Adam’s cute little face.  He wants to win the ROH title so Jim Cornette loses his fucking mind.  How many times do I have to say I love Kevin Steen?

KEVIN STEEN vs. ADAM COLE – Blind Destiny Match 2

Winner faces Eddie Edwards.  Adam Cole would be very excited to face his tag team partner.  I don’t like your chances Adam.  Kevin Kelly reminds us that Steen has the height and weight advantage, but you can’t measure heart.  Well, you might be able to measure Cole’s heart when Steen rips it out of his chest.  Steen chops the SHIT out of Cole, and then tells the camera “that was a good one! Kind of hurt my hand.”  Again, the love, it is strong.  The crowd is not behind Cole at all, they are chanting for Steen to piledrive him.  This is what happens when you hold a crowd hostage for a month.  Steen does a rolling senton into the corner; it seriously looks like it kills Cole.  That was after a DDT from the outside to the inside.  This review sounds one sided, Cole is getting some moves in, but Steen takes everything he throws at him.  Steen kills him with a powerbomb, then a clothesline from hell, and finally an F-6 or whatever he is calling it.  It wasn’t quite a squash, but Steen dominated.  Steen faces Eddie Edwards on the 31^st.  After the match, Steen wants to beat up Cole some more and tries a package piledriver, but Eddie Edwards meddles in Steen’s business.

INSIDE RING OF HONOR!

-Kevin Kelly pimps the 16 match Showdown in the Sun.

-Roderick Strong doesn’t like the triple threat match at all.

-Eddie Edwards doesn’t like the triple threat match at all.

-Lace Storm is coming out of retirement to face Michael Bennett.  Dear ROH, it hasn’t worked for Jericho, it is not going to work for Lance Storm either

-Bennett is going to send Storm home early enough so he can still catch the early bird special.  Oh, and OH MY GOD MARIA IS HOT

-The Briscoes face WGTT for the tag titles.  I hope the Briscoes retain in this one, they probably should, though I could see WGTT embracing their heel turn and cheating to win them back.  They recap the feud, the Briscoes winning the titles, Shelton getting suspended, Jay getting handcuffed, Mark running into chairs and Haas shelling out ten grand to pay the fines (it would have been interesting to have HOT win that match against the Briscoes and loan them the ten grand to pay the fines.)

COMMERCIAL!

-Young Bucks really sicken Kevin Kelly.  The Young Bucks call the ANX dorks.  Well THAT will rile them up.  Gotta say though, I don’t hate the Young Bucks

KYLE O’REILY vs. MICHAEL ELGIN – Blind Destiny Match 3

Davey Richards joins Nigel and Kevin on commentary.  But first, they talk to Kyle.  Kyle will totally do things differently than Eddie if he beats Elgin.  He will TOTALLY do it with honor and he and Davey will stay best buds.  Truth puts Kyle’s mind at ease and says Elgin is going to kill him, so it’s all good.  Davey puts Eglin over pretty nicely, really pimping his strength.  They did have a nice match a few months ago.  Richards is NOT a fan of Steen however.  Calls him a joke.  I really hope Steen takes the title from Davey, I have a feeling they will slow burn that all the way through to the end of the year though, just seems to make sense.  Roderick Strong is back out to the ring, Davey is not happy about it, and calls bullshit.  Literally.  Davey has a potty mouth.  O’Reilly hits a belly to back suplex from the apron to the floor, looked like Elgin smacked the back of his head on the guardrail, but he didn’t stay down.  Elgin does have some stupid strength.  O’Reilly tries for the guillotine choke, but Elgin powers out of it into a HELLEVATOR.  I love watching Elgin toss people around.  Regalplex into a crippler crossface by O’Reilly, very nice sequence.  No mention of Benoit though.  Roddy interferes again and Richards has had enough.  Elgin attacks from behind and hits a sick Buckle Bomb, then a sit out powerbomb and gets the win.  Elgin gets a rematch against Richards on the 31^st.  Nice match here too.

Three really good matches this week.  Nothing announced for next week.  I assume the siege situation continues for another week.  The arena must be getting low on nachos and mountain dew.  Things could turn ugly….tune in next week!

Be sure to check out www.punshouse.com for more ROH reviews and general chatter.  And if you are into fantasy wrestling, there is no fed better than the OOWF, just go to www.oowrestling.com and check us out in the fantasy thread!  We have been going for over seven years now!

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Northern Reflections – The Luckiest Generation of Sports Fans?

It was proposed that I write a blog about my top-10 sports moments, live or televised. Not the top 10, my top 10. As I started listing memorable moments, I ran into a problem: after about five, it started turning into a list of athletes, rather than a list of moments. That got me thinking about some of the athletes I’ve been lucky enough to witness, and it’s a staggering list of talent.

I’m 35. I missed out on Ali and Frazier. I didn’t get to see Bobby Orr and Terry Sawchuk. Or the Steelers of the 70s. Even Dr. J was a bit before my time. But I wouldn’t trade that list of legends for the guys I’ve gotten to watch.

Sport by sport, here’s who I saw (or am seeing) in their prime (in roughly chronological order – I’m not getting into the hassle of ranking these guys). I don’t think this list can be topped by any generation of fandom in the history of sports.

NFL
Quarterbacks
Joe Montana
Dan Marino
John Elway
Jim Kelly
Warren Moon
Steve Young
Troy Aikman
Brett Favre
Kurt Warner
Peyton Manning
Tom Brady

Running Backs
Walter Payton
Bo Jackson
Marcus Allen
Barry Sanders
Emmitt Smith
Thurman Thomas
Terrell Davis
Priest Holmes
Marshall Faulk
LaDainian Tomlinson
Chris Johnson

Wide Receivers
Art Monk
Jerry Rice
Michael Irvin
James Lofton
Chris Carter
Tim Brown
Sterling Sharpe
Andre Reed
Marvin Harrison
Isaac Bruce
Randy Moss
Terrell Owens
Reggie Wayne
Andre Johnson
Larry Fitzgerald
Hines Ward
Wes Welker

Tight Ends
Jay Novacek
Mark Bavaro
Ben Coates
Frank Wychek
Bubba Frank
Shannon Sharpe
Tony Gonzalez
Antonio Gates
Jason Witten
Todd Heap
Alge Crumpler
Dallas Clark

Defense
Howie Long
Reggie White
Ronnie Lott
Lawrence Taylor
Charles Haley
Deion Sanders
Kevin Greene
Junior Seau
Rod Woodson
Bruce Smith
Ray Lewis
John Randle
Michael Strahan
Derrick Thomas
Ed Reed
Champ Bailey
Troy Polamalu
Warren Sapp
Brian Urlacher
Julius Peppers


So yeah, that’s just the NFL, and I know I left a ton of worthy guys off the list, but it’s my list. With the exceptions of pitchers and goalies, I’m not going position-by-position for the other three major sports. I’m just going to list the amazing talent that comes to mind.


NBA
Larry Bird
Robert Parrish
Kevin McHale
Magic Johnson
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
James Worthy
Michael Jordan
Scottie Pippen
Dominique Wilkins
Isaiah Thomas
Clyde Drexler
Charles Barkley
Hakeem Olajuwon
Patrick Ewing
John Starks
Karl Malone
John Stockton
Gary Payton
Shawn Kemp
David Robinson
Tim Duncan
Dennis Rodman
Dikembe Mutombo
Allen Iverson
Shaquille O’Neal
Kobe Bryant
Jason Kidd
Steve Nash
Dirk Nowitski
Kevin Garnett
Paul Pierce
Ray Allen
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James

I know I left most of the current guys off the list, but I don’t follow basketball at all anymore, so I have no idea how good the current crop are.


MLB
Hitters
Cal Ripken Jr.
Tony Gwynn
Mike Schmidt
Rickey Henderson
Kirby Puckett
Eddie Murray
Ryne Sandberg
Ken Griffey Jr.
Mark McGwire
Sammy Sosa
Barry Bonds
Roberto Alomar Jr.
Albert Pujols
Alex Rodriguez
Ichiro Suzuki


Pitchers
Nolan Ryan
Greg Maddux
John Smoltz
Pedro Martinez
Roger Clemens
Randy Johnson
Curt Schilling
Mariano Rivera

I know there are a ton more, and I’m sure I’ll catch hell for forgetting some major names. Like Ozzie Smith. Damn. Just came to me now. Anyway, I was never a huge baseball fan, but that’s still an impressive group of guys.


NHL
Skaters
Wayne Gretzky
Mark Messier
Esa Tikkanen
Mike Bossey
Paul Coffey
Brett Hull
Adam Oates
Cam Neely
Ray Bourque
Mario Lemieux
Jaromir Jagr
Chris Chelios
Steve Yzerman
Sergei Fedorov
Teemu Selanne
Petr Bondra
Joe Sakic
Peter Forsberg
Mike Modano
Brian Leetch
Eric Lindros
Mats Sundin
Scott Niedermayer
Scott Stevens
Jarome Iginla
Zdeno Chara
Danny Alfredsson
Vincent Lecavalier
Martin St. Louis
The Sedin twins
Ilya Kovalchuk
Niklas Lidstrom
Alexander Ovechkin
Sidney Crosby
Steven Stamkos

Goalies
Grant Fuhr
Bill Ranford
Patrick Roy
Eddie Belfour
Martin Brodeur
Dominik Hasek
Mike Richter
Ryan Miller
Henrik Lundqvist
Roberto Luongo

So that’s that. The only other sport I feel the need to mention here is tennis: the Williams sisters on the women’s side, and Agassi/Sampras/Nadal/Federer/Djokovic for the men. (Truth be told, it was Djokovic’s 2011 season that made me shift gears from “moments” to “athletes”. That has to be one of the greatest single seasons in the history of sports.)

As I mentioned, this is my list. These are the guys I watched do amazing things. Some of the inclusions and omissions might seem odd, but these are the guys who awed me. There’s no scientific way to say who the best ever were, which is one of the great things about sports. I can tell you this, though: if I had to win a game, here’s who I want:

Football: Montana
Baseball: Schilling
Basketball: Jordan
Hockey: Gretzky

Clutch counts for a lot in my book.

Finally, just because I can’t justify putting these guys on the real list, but I equally can’t justify not naming them somewhere: Boomer Esiason, John LeClair. My two all-time favourite athletes.

Your turn. Let me know who I left out. Let me know why someone’s inclusion is ludicrous. Most of all, though, try to tell me there was a better 30-year span in the history of sports. I dare you.

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Altaku- I'll probably get into trouble if this ever goes viral, but...

This piece was written by Chris Alt, who wants to remind you to get in your e-mail for the first ever episode of the Gamer & Proud podcast at gamer@flawedcast.net

Most people who know me well are already aware that I've spent most of the last five and a half years working in lower management for a well-known major video game retail chain while I've slowly ground my way toward a bachelor's degree. As I would imagine is the case with many jobs, the degree to which I like and enjoy my job has varied from season to season, but one of the components that has remained consistently interesting is the reaction of old acquaintances and new friends when they learn what I do for a living. Most of them realize that it's just another largely unrewarding, low-paying job in retail and accept the fact with the appropriate amount of underwhelmed head nodding or shoulder shrugging, but there's always somebody who finds the idea of spending 30-40 hours a week immersed in video games and the culture around them to be an endlessly fascinating prospect (in the interest of full disclosure, I am this person whenever I learn someone I know is a police officer. I can sit around for hours listening to cops tell stories about the most mundane aspects of their day to day work). I try to indulge their curiosity with as much good nature as I can muster, although it's a safe bet that the very last thing I ever want to talk about when I'm not at work is my work.

Sometimes this can cause moderate irritation to me. Normally it's nothing too serious; old high school acquaintances who have Facebook friended me and otherwise haven't spoken to me in years will message me out of the blue asking "how much can I trade in a Wii for?" or "do y'all have ________ in stock?" without so much as a "hey guy, how's the family?" first, or a regular customer recognizing me when I'm at the park with my kids and trying to tell me, in excruciating detail, all about his last six hours in Skyrim or his recruiting strategy in NCAA. Because these are relatively minor inconveniences and not serious problems, I usually face these situations with as much social grace as I can summon; after all, replying to a message on Facebook generally takes all of 30 seconds of my time.

The catalyst that caused me to decide to write this piece was something that took place over the weekend. An old work acquaintance from a lifetime ago who I'm friends with on Facebook but haven't really spoken to in years came into the store when I wasn't there, trying to convince my store manager that she was my sister in order to solicit my employee discount. My boss- who knows my actual sister- understandably called bullshit on this, and IDed the acquaintance in question to let me know what was going on (fortunately for me, my boss is a really cool guy. Had this happened in the wrong store with the wrong manager, I could have been terminated for this person deciding that she was entitled to a discount by virtue of simply knowing me). I was pretty furious when I found out, but I decided to let it go (honestly, she probably didn't even think about it, and I didn't get into trouble, so why get mad?) and write this up instead to lend some perspective on what I do and how you shouldn't- and should- act toward me and any video game store employee you may know, both inside and outside of the store.

Our employee discount is for us and our families only. I understand that times are tough and you're looking to save a few dollars wherever you can, but it's called an employee discount for a reason and you can't reasonably expect me to hook up every Tom, Dick, or Harry I've ever had a conversation with. Sure, this is a rule that is probably bent a little by thousands of employees across the country for close friends, but if you're not a person I see on a semi-regular basis, even asking is rude and out of line. I had a class with the barista at my local Starbucks, but I still pay full price for my latte and I wouldn't expect it to be any different.

Sorry, but we can't just get you hired at the drop of a hat. You're more than welcome to use me as a job reference while applying to my store or company- hell, if you ask me in advance, I'll probably even say something nice about you, even if I have to reach a little- but I don't have the magic pull to just "get" you a job. Most people that work for my company only work one or two short shifts a week anyway, unless they're in management, so it isn't the cure-all to your financial struggles that you might be envisioning, and turnover tends to be pretty low, so openings are scarce. It doesn't mean I don't like you- it just means that there's not a spot for you, or that an open spot went to somebody who was more qualified.

Speaking of qualifications, let's clear something up right now- there is way more to the job than just knowing about video games. Product knowledge goes a long way in a specialized store, but product knowledge can be taught- social skills can't. So if you're a perpetually grumpy misanthrope, poorly groomed and self maintained, or otherwise lacking in areas of proper social interaction, look elsewhere for employment (there's already an ugly and unfair stereotype about adults who play video games that we largely try to avoid perpetuating). Same goes for people with ridiculous availability (thanks, but we don't really need anybody who is only available from 1:30-4 on Tuesdays) and hourly payrate expectations. Don't even get me started on how you should present yourself when you come in to ask for an application- if you're of the age to be seeking a job, you shouldn't need me to tell you that it isn't a good idea to roll in with three of your buddies, wearing a dirty wifebeater with a half-smoked cigarette tucked behind your ear, using profanity, etc.

Don't Facebook/Twitter message us with questions that we could answer with a phone call to the store. Like most others, I'm on Facebook primarily to see how much weight girls from high school have gained and to laugh at funny LOLcat pictures, not to work off the clock for you because DMing me is more convenient than making a phone call. If we talk regularly, I don't mind so much (although frankly I'd prefer an email or a text), but I cannot emphasize enough how aggravating it is to get messaged by someone who you haven't talked to in five years suddenly interested in how you're doing because their kid wants a preowned game. If it's during store hours, call the store and I'll be happy to help. If it isn't during store hours, well, how the hell am I supposed to know what's in the inventory when I'm not there?

Also, if you're a customer with no other ties (e.g. high school, mutual friends, etc.) that wants to add us on Facebook, feel us out first. Most of us conduct ourselves very differently online than we do at work. There are some customers we're comfortable sharing that aspect of ourselves with and some that we aren't. We get to decide that, not you. If you're interested in knowing us on a more personal level, send us a friend request (and probably a note reminding us of who you are- and if you really want to NOT come off as a creeper, ask us first if we'd mind, even if it's an awkward conversation) and if we think you're cool, we'll add you, but we're under no obligation to do so, and you're in poor taste to say things like "hey, when are you gonna accept my friend request?" about it. Weirdly enough, this is a situation I've had to deal with more than once over the years so I felt like it needed to be addressed.

We don't even get to take games home early for ourselves, we're certainly not going to do it for you. Publishers take the street dates on unreleased games very seriously; selling games before their release results in very stiff fines for us. Yes, we do sometimes get that big AAA title everyone is waiting for in stock a few days in advance; no, we aren't allowed to take it home early to try it out and we're not breaking that rule for you. Don't ask because the answer will never be "yes".

We don't get to play EVERYTHING that comes out. This really laughable notion exists that because we work in a game store, gaming is our one and only interest and we therefore play (or at least try out) every single thing that comes out. This is such a demonstrably false expectation that I shouldn't even really have to address it, but if I had a quarter for every time I've explained I haven't played a certain title when asked "how is this?" only to be met with a haughty and condescending "well you WORK in a GAME store", I'd have a big old wine jug full of quarters. Yes, I work in a game store. That eats up a sufficient amount of time per week that I might otherwise be spending playing video games. I also attend school full-time, plus I'm married with two children, AND, strangely enough, I have other interests. When a game comes out that I'm interested in, I'll make time to play it, but I'm not playing every single one of the literal dozens of games that come out every month just on the off chance that someone is curious about it.

We can't really do anything about your bad experience at another store. Not every store in our company is the same- you're almost guaranteed a different experience at each individual store. Some stores are relaxed and laid back; some are a chore to shop in. We totally understand that. We also realize that when you have a bad experience at another store, more often than not you just want to vent to somebody who gets what you're talking about, but there's next to nothing that we can do to correct or fix an injustice done to you by an employee at another location. By all means, feel free to share your bad experience with us- we'll do everything in our power to make sure we don't do the same thing to somebody else- but if you're looking for any kind of follow-up or corrective action, you're going to have to go through the district manager (we'll be happy to give you his or her number) or our corporate offices.

We know the system lowballs you, and we're not interested in hearing you complain about it. Yes, it blows when you spend $60 on a terrible game that you can only get $20 back on a week later while we turn around and resell it for $55. We're understanding of and sympathetic to this, but remember that we aren't forcing you to part with it, and our company has every right in the world to try to make a profit- it's sort of the way capitalism works. There's tons of backlash against my company on the Internet for this, but I feel like it's kind of dumb to call us thieves when YOU made the decision to sell us your merchandise at a price you feel is far less than what you deserved for it. To my knowledge, nobody in my company has ever held a gun to a customer's head and made them part with anything. There are lots of options for anyone who doesn't like the offer we make them for their trades- getting mad at us because you're electing for the most convenient option instead of the most valuable one says more about you than it does about us.

This goes double with older games. I tend to be a lot more sympathetic when there's a low resell value attached to a new game, but people who expect their old PS2 games to trade in for more than the peanuts they're worth are kind of silly. I understand that you paid $50 for Madden 2006 when it was new, but 2013 is coming out this year, so I have no idea why you think you're going to get anything more than a dollar for it. Yes, the Wii was $250 in 2006, but you can buy one for under $100 now. Video games are rarely collectibles; the value depreciates quickly. Plan for this accordingly whenever you decide to part with an unwanted game or system.

We don't enjoy having to pitch all that crap at you anymore than you enjoy having to listen to it. Would you like our scratch protection? What about our rewards card? Care to reserve something? Yeah, we get it. You want to check out and get on with your life, and we're holding you up by trying to sell you a dozen things you don't want. Here's the thing to keep in mind when you feel like getting hostile with us over it- you listened to us pitch all that crap once, and it took up 2-3 minutes of your day. If we're doing our jobs, we're making that same pitch ad nauseam at least forty or fifty times a day. So please stop acting like we're singling you out for the sheer fun of harassing you and just listen quietly to our pitch. If you aren't interested, a quick "no thank you" is a lot easier for everybody than "I don't care" or "I've told you 'no' a dozen times". We're asking because we have to, not because we want to annoy you (And by the way, that rewards card is actually a great deal, if you can get around the $14.99 price tag).

While we're at it, if you cut us off every time we ask you if you're interested in reserving something, do NOT be that asshole that looks for Collector's/Special Editions of something after the fact. If you don't seize the opportunity when we present it to you, you can't complain later.

Do your research. Confession: I liked my job a lot better when it was still a niche hobby. After Nintendo and the Wii made casual gaming cool and purchasing systems became less "I want this" and more "my neighbor has one, so my kids have to have one too", working around games became significantly less enjoyable. I'm absolutely behind the counter to help you in any way I can, but I get pretty resentful when you've clearly made the decision to purchase a game system on a whim and you have no idea what you actually want. When you're making an investment that can set you back anywhere between $150-400, doing  just a little research on what you're buying helps us both, and it saves you a lot of anger and tears a few days later when you have to learn the hard way that our return policy doesn't cover buyer's remorse.

Also, one of the most annoying questions we get on a regular basis is "I'm looking for a game for my (family member) who is (age). What would be good for him/her?" The best thing for him/her would be for you to have a ten minute conversation with them to find out what kind of games they're interested in playing, not to ask a stranger what they might like. When all else fails, we sell gift cards.

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