iMPACT Recap March 22, 2012
iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Buddays!
It’s Mr Canada here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now, it worked for the
other guy so cue MY music??
-Maybe you remember a little pay per view called Victory Road. Well, if you don’t, the show opens with a
video package to tell you what went on.
It included Canada’s Shame, Bobby Roode, roughing up Dixie Carter before
taking a tip from Red Green and using Duct Tape to secure Sting to the ring
ropes for a severe beating. Thankfully
everyone was ok. Mr Tenay tells us that
Dixie Carter is aboot to come out and tell us all aboot what she’s going to do
aboot all this.
-Dixie Carter is in the ring and she’s wearing Mr Canada’s favorite
colour, Red. She seems really upset eh?
She’s practically crying. She’s
done a lot of thinking. Before she can tell us what she’s going to do, THIS IS
STING! And he’s walking out to the ring.
I bet he’s going to add something important to the discussion. He tells us all that firing is not the
answer, revenge is. Not just revenge,
the RIGHT KIND OF REVENGE! Extra
Crispy!!
-I guess Sting is actually finally done being the GM. I hope this means he wants to become a full
time wrestler again. That would be
amazing! He thinks that he can’t compete
at a Bobby Roode level if he’s a part time GM.
Mr Canada isn’t sure he can compete at a Bobby Roode level even as a
full time wrestler but Good NEWS! We’re
going to find out because he’s quitting his GM role to lace up the boots full
time again!
-Thankfully he’s got the right man for the GM job! I’m giddy with excitement waiting for him to
make the announcement! OMG HULK HOGAN!!
Are you kidding me??!?!?! Could
TNA be in any better hands? I can’t
believe this! It’s amazing!!
-Tonight on iMPACT, it’s a Title Match EXTRAVAGANZA! Newly returned tag team Anarquilla and Hernandez
are set to take on the Tag Champs Magnus and Samoa Joe in a title match. Rosita and Sarita are set to try to dethrone
ODB and Eric Young for the Knockouts title, and A-Double Austin Aries is set to
take on three other X-Division challengers in a Fatal Four Way for the
X-division belt. I hope everyone goes
out and gives it their best and no one gets hurt.
-Bully Ray is very angry about being squashed at Victory Road and he
plans to take it out on everyone who gets in his way.
-It’s time for our X-Division match! A-Double is facing Zema Ion, Kid
Kash and Neece. Odds are against Aries
in this one as the first pin or submission of anyone will win his belt. This match was very fast paced and full of
mistakes, including Neece missing a splash from the top rope by literally a
full metre. A-Double hitting a 3 person powerbomb was probably the spot of the
match. I guess these guys got in the way
of Bully Ray because he decided they all needed to be destroyed. No Contest.
Champ retains. Bully reminds us who he is. In case we forgot.
-A segment in the parking lot gets pretty racist eh? A bunch of Mexicans their car towed while
being asked if they know how to spell. If
it was Canada, they’d just have to pay money to get their car out of
impound. America is weird.
Bring on the Knockouts. In this
title match, the champs ODB and Eric Young take on Rosita and Sarita, fresh off
their racist trivia challenge. As he is
always the gentleman, Eric Young refused to lock up with the ladies. ODB was able handily defeat the tiny little Spanish
girls all on her own. She did make EY
get the pin though. She didn’t want him
to feel too left out. So sweet... Pinfall victory. Champs retain.
-Backstage Crimson reminds us that Matt Morgan is just out for himself
so he’s going to teach the Blueprint a lesson next week on iMPACT.
-A backstage segment has Jeff Hardy leaning against some scaffolding and
slurring his way through telling us that Kurt Angle is a big cheaterpants and
that he wants Kurt locked in a cage. At Lockdown. Against him. *hic. Joseph Park walks by and asks Jeff if he
knows where Abyss is. Jeff says he
thought Joseph WAS Abyss. Park just
laughs and tells Jeff to sleep it off.
-A video package reminds us that James Storm and Bobby Roode have had
their dogs hitched to this sled called TNA for a long long time.
-James Storm is taking that 90 metre walk to the ring. He asks if he can be serious for a
minute. Storm decides to wax philosophical
about Football and the price of gas.
Then he reminds us not to blame Canada for what happened to Dixie
Carter. He says we should blame Bobby
Roode. He says that he is going to right
Bobby’s wrongs at Lockdown in a month from now.
I for one can hardly wait. Some
fella in a suit who doesn’t look anything like Bobby Roode comes out to the
ring. He is a lawyer I guess. He has the thickest Canadian accent I’ve ever
heard and I’ve been to Moose Jaw! Canada’s
Shame has decided that he is going to hide in Canada but that James Storm can
fight Christopher Daniels or Frankie Kazarian tonight if he wants. He decides he’ll fight both. Then he hits the lawyer with a superkick.
-Kurt Angle is shocked that Jeff Hardy wants a rematch after he won so
decisively at Victory Road. He then runs
in to Garret Bishoff and tells him that he wants to see if he can last 3
minutes. That match is COMING UP!
-It’s a 3-Minute Challenge with Kurt Angle and Garret Bishoff. I don’t want to spoil anything for you so I’ll
just say that Garret had a good outburst of offense but made the cardinal
mistake of going for the same move twice in a row so Gunner comes out and tries
to kill him. Jeff Hardy stumbles to the
ring as well and clears it with his Whiskey Breath. No Contest.
-Hulk Hogan is going to be here later!!
-World Tag Team Title match is next.
The Mexican Americans take on the champs Magnus and Samoa Joe. For what it’s worth, the Mexican Americans
are former tag champs as well. Lots of
good back and forth action in this one.
At one point, the tow truck driver comes out to the ring to “repo”
Rosita and Sarita. This gives the champs
the opening they need to regroup and hit their 5 moves of doom and get the
win. Pinfall Victory. Champs Retain.
We see a video of James Storm hanging out in a bar where everyone is
dressed like cowboys and there is not a woman to be seen... Just sayin...
-I guess it’s finally main event match time. This time it’s a handicapped match where
Daniels and Kazarian will attempt to best the Cowboy James Storm. Surprisingly there is no interference in this
one from either AJ Styles or Mr Anderson.
The heels have some difficulty staying on the same page in this one and
that leads to both getting Last Call Superkicks. This was a pretty exciting and short
match. Pinfall Victory for James Storm.
Thankfully Sting, Dixie Carter, and Hulk Hogan are all on their way to
the ring for more main event TALKING!
Fun Fact: Hulk Hogan never lost a title match to a Canadian. Hulk is here to make us all believers. We already believe that he already secretly
runs the show anyway so I’m not sure why we wouldn’t believe he could be the
GM. We end up going black before he
actually agrees so I guess we’ll all have to tune in NEXT WEEK!!
Anyway...
That
happened eh?
You
can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
Wait,
what??
See
you next week!!
Your
buddy
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