iMPACT Recap April 26, 2012
iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now, since
I better still have some, cue MY music!
-We open with a package that reminds us Hulk Hogan has taken over iMPACT
and he’s making changes! First change:
Tonight, and apparently once a month, will be “Open Fight Night” where anyone
can challenge anyone and they have to fight.
Even champions. They’re also
doing something called TNA Gut Check. This
is where once a month a guy who isn’t on the TNA roster can come and wrestle in
front of the “judges” for an iMPACT contract.
In the WWE, they call these Dark Matches.
-Hulk Hogan is backstage with all the champions to let them know what
the deal is, bruther. Gail Kim says what
we’re all thinking by letting him know that she thinks it’s ridiculous. Hogan replies “It’s not ridiculous, it’s
happening, bruther” which has nothing to do with the fact that it’s
ridiculous. Hogan particularly wants to
see the evil foreigners Magnus and Samoan Joe to defend their titles against
one of the many (read: 2) other tag teams in TNA. But he’s not going to tell them who their
fighting, but it’s TONIGHT!!
-Bruther Devon is out here and as the TV Champ, he is now required to
defend his belt once a week. Since it’s
open challenge night, he decides to challenge his brother, Bruther Bubba. Bubba comes out and bullys Devon about how he
carried him for fifteen years. Bubba
doesn’t seem to know that he can’t turn down a fight on open fight night so
Devon attacks him before he can walk away.
Tenay is kind enough to point out that this match is Bruther Vs
Bruther. For a couple of guys who know
each other as well as they do, you’d think the match would be less sloppy than
it was. As the match progressed it got stiffer
and more entertaining. You’d almost
believe they actually hated each other.
The finish comes when Devon steals Ron Simmons Dominator and gets the
cover. The mark in me has wanted to see this fight for a while. That’s why it get’s match of the night. 5 stars.
-Back stage Triple A Austin Aries is crying about Bubba pulling his
pants down in their match last week. I
didn’t see it so that probably sounds worse than it was.
-Somebody off camera asks Ric Flair if he’s going to have a party for
the departing Eric Bishoff. He lets us
know that he most certainly is and that the two are going to party like it’s
1899, Wooooooo!
-Then Kurt Angle, Kazarian, and Christopher Daniels were back stage
arguing about who they think AJ Styles likes best.
- Uhoh, Jeremy Borash is on the entrance ramp. This never ends well... He’s decided to call
out Eric Bishoff because for three years all he’s wanted to do is tear off
Bishoff’s head and fist his neck. That seems
a bit harsh. Thankfully Bubba comes out
and kicks Borash in the balls to cut the segment short. Best use of Bubba Ray tonight.
-The Mexican Americans are in the ring letting us know that no team or
wrestler can beat them and they would like to see anyone try. I guess the crowed forgot that “American” is
part of their name while they chant USA at them to try to get under their
skin. Kurt Angle decides that he is the
man to shut them up so he accepts their challenge. Three moves later, Anarquilla taps to the
Angle Lock and we have our match of the night!
5 stars for having Mexican wrestlers play Mexican wrestlers.
-It’s GUT CHECK TIME! A video
package introduces us to Alex Silva. He
is from the mean streets of somewhere sunny and he lets us know that his claim
to fame is having beaten the top guy in OVW.
This is of course akin to winning a Silver in the Special Olympics but
he seems to think it’s important so we’ll let him have it. He’s accompanied to the ring by VP of Talent
Relations and Gut Check judge, Al Snow.
Al wants Alex to have a fighting chance so he faces glorified jobber,
Robbie E. Silva gets in some good licks
but Robbie eventually takes over and gets the pin. Thankfully, the decision is not made just yet
because TNA still wants to hear from their millions of rationally thinking, certainly
non trolling fans on Twitter about whether or not they think Alex Silva should
get a contract. Alex didn’t really wow me but it was still probably the match
of the night. I’ll give it 5 stars for seeing if this contest lasts more than
two months.
-Dixie Carter is back stage remembering Erick Bishoff. She talks about his cock, and about how he
always tried to have sex with her and Hulk Hogan or something...
-Back stage, Hulk Hogan tries to sort out who should challenge the Evil Foreigners
for the tag titles so he gets 4 tag teams backstage to plead their case. Kaz and Daniels mumble a bunch of nonsense,
The Machine Guns rightly claim that they are the only actual tag team in the
company, Mr Anderson and Jeff Hardy are too busy doing shots and exchanging
drunken “I love yous” to participate in the conversation and EY and ODB are too
tired from all the screwing they did on their honeymoon. Obviously Hogan has to eliminate the Machine
Guns from the running because that match would be good. He then tells us that this segment is a waste
of time because we’re still going to decide later.
-Some hooker is stomping her way to the ring with a microphone. Oh wait, that’s no hooker, that’s Brook
Tessmacher. Apparently everyone is
talking about how she pinned Gail Kim in a tag match and by everyone, she means
no one. Be that as it may, she wants us
to know that she is an actual legit challenger and not just a sweet piece of
ass. Since it’s open fight night, she
wants Gail in the ring RIGHT NOW! Gail
can’t refuse so it’s on! Quite a match with the champ dominating until she gets
too cocky and misses a missile dropkick.
This allows Brook to hit a move that I guess doesn’t have a name and she
gets the one two three. Easily the
knockouts non-title match of the night.
5 well-developed stars.
-Video package reminds us how RVD became the #1 contender for
Sacrifice. In case you forgot, RVD is
the #1 contender at Sacrifice. May 13th,
at Sacrifice, it will be RVD against Bobby Roode, for the World Title.
-Speaking of Roode, he runs in to Alex Silva back stage and says what we
all are thinking. That the Gut Check
contest is stupid and pointless. He says that he had to make lots of “Sacrifices”
(get it?) to get where he is today. Then
he kicks Silva in the balls.
-The spiral of pointlessness continues downward as we get another
backstage segment letting us know that EY and ODB are eliminated from
contention for the tag title shot tonight.
Thanks for that.
-Garret Bishoff takes some screen time to remember his Dad, but no one
gives a shit.
-Oh hey, guess what, the main event tonight will be a party for Eric
Bishoff! Isn’t that awesome?!?
-Joseph Park is back and is apparently in the running for worst
detective ever because I haven’t even watched the show in a month and he is
clearly no closer to finding his brother Abyss.
This is what we in the writing world call a Slow Burn. It’s what we in the wrestling fan business
call a Waste of Time.
-As we continue to drag out deciding who the challengers for the Tag
Titles will be, I am getting annoyed so I am going to just spoil it and let you
know that Hogan obviously picks the only tag team that isn’t actually a tag
team to fight for the belts. Since Hogan
has decided they are worthy of a title shot, I’ve decided they deserve a tag
team name. I henceforth dub them the
Drunken Assholes. Also since the Evil Foreigners
are already in the ring, they decide to start the match RIGHT NOW! And by right now, I mean, after this
commercial break. This turned out to be
a pretty exciting match. Not surprising
considering the talent of all involved.
The Evil Foreigners dominate the Drunken Assholes for quite a while
before Ed Hardy manages to bust out a Twister in the Wind and make the tag to
Mr Kenderson. The champs retain when
Samoan Joe gets naked and submits Kenderson from the rear with a choke. As they leave, Kaz and Daniels decide to
attack the champs to assert their claim to a title shot. Meanwhile, this match easily lived up to the
rather dismal hype and was quite entertaining.
I have to give it match of the night and award it 5 stars for being
decent in spite of itself.
-It’s Main Event Funeral time!! I
am refusing to review it on principle other than to say that it ended with
Bishoff in a porta-potty and me pining for the days when shows ended with
matches.
-One more thing before I go.
Somebody asked me recently if I wanted to address the comments made by
one JB King towards me in regard to my recent appearance on Monday Night
Flaw. My honest answer is that I don’t. That talentless, attention-seeking, suck-up already takes up too much air time on this network. And for the record, you try being third mic
on a show with Andy and getting a word in.
It’s hard enough to get air time when you’re second mic on a flawedcast
show! Hell, I’m pretty sure that “Tyler
Houston” is a character Andy made up because he needed at least one of his
shows hosted by a straight guy. Also he talks a lot.
Anyway...
That
happened.
You
can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See
you next week!!
Your
Pal
2HoT
***Bonus Content***
Kelly Kelly: The girl so fat they named her twice.
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