iMPACT Recap May 3, 2012
iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now, cue MY music!
-We open with a package that reminds us that last week the show ended with some shit I didn’t bother to review involving Eric Bishoff and an outhouse.
-Ric Flair is in the ring. He says that since he’s older than God, Hulk Hogan shouldn’t be able to boss him around. Hulk comes out and says a bunch of boring inside shit that culminated with him telling Ric Flair that he has to be a “Gut Check” judge, because apparently they didn’t even have a full judges panel when they had their first “Gut Check” match last week. I love it when they think things through.
-Back Stage, a couple of hookers are complaining about some sneaky asian chick. Oh wait, that’s Vanilla Sky and Big Brooke Tessmacher. They’re fighting Gail and Madison and ONE OF THEM... is going to get the win. Find out who, NEXT!!
-Slow pan on Christy Hemme. Overdressed much?
-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME! Gail Kim and Madison Rayne take on Vanilla Sky and B-Train Brooke Tessmacher. Sky controls the action to start. We find out from the announcers that as of May 31, TNA will be moving to 8:00 pm on Spike TV. Taz let’s us know that there will be a big surprise announcement that night. If the surprise announcement is that the show will now be three hours long every week, I might kill myself. Anyway, Sky fights most of the match and at one point manages to make the hot tag to her partner, who stops Gail from tagging Maddy. Clotheslines are flying everywhere when Brooker T manages to hit Gail’s own finisher on her and get the pin. This was a really well worked match. It was probably the match of the night in fact. I’ll give it 5 stars for not making Madison break a sweat. For all of you keeping score, and by all of you I mean none of you, BE-Tizzle now has 3 wins in three weeks over the Knockouts champ.
-Since Slamiversary is coming up, we get a video package of Jeff Jarrett not putting people over.
-Thankfully Bob Van Damn is in the ring and he gives a stellar promo where he literally recites every catchphrase he has ever had. Twice. I wish I was joking. Wait, BVD is the whole effin show? He’s Mr Paper View? It’s actually 1997? Thankfully Ravishing Bobby Roode is here to tell all you fat ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man recites all his catchphrases. Did you know that he’s the leader of the selfish generation? Did you know he’s the “It Factor” of professional wrestling? Well he is. Each of them gets to decide who the other will fight tonight so RVD decides to pit Roode against Mr Kenderson. Roode then decides to make the match that everyone in 2001 is dying to see: BVD vs Ed Hardy.
-Splashgraphicx! 6 man tag match tonight! Kaz, Daniels, and Angle take on AJ Styles, and the Evil Foreigners, Mangus and Samoan Joe.
-I’m so glad that the TV Title has to be defended weekly on iMPACT. I love the fact that I get to look forward to a Reverend Brother Devon match every week. So stoked about that... Anway, this time, RBD takes on Robbie T. Not to be confused with Robbie E, the other douchey Jersey Shore rip off. Robby T is actually Rob Terry. And he’s not from the Jersey Shore at all. He’s from the douchey shores of Swansea, Wales. At least he’s in TNA. If he was in the WWE, they’d probably make him be from Poland or Uganda or something. But I digress... Everyone in TNA is tiny so RBD isn’t used to giving up a size advantage. Thankfully tho, he’s got it where it counts so he still feels good about himself. Pretty textbook Big guy Vs Little guy match here. Ending comes when the little Robby obliterates Devon with a plastic clipboard and gets his partner disqualified. I was just thinking to myself the other day, we need more heal teams in TNA to break up. This was an outstanding match of the night candidate. 5 stars for almost breaking up the only mid card heal team you have.
-A backstage recap shows our Gut Check panel of judges, which I guess now includes Brother Love, discussing last week`s contestant. Flair basically runs him down like I imagine he did with half the WCW roster in the early 2000`s. Anyway, it was a lot of boring talking that culminated with no decision. We did learn that Flair thinks fans are stupid though so there`s that I guess.
-Hulk Hogan is back stage getting jerked off by Mr Kenderson. As a reward, he decides to make the main event a No Disqualifications match.
-In the ring, BVD takes on Ed Hardy. Hardy comes out looking like he was shot with Homer Simpson`s Make-up Gun. Lots of fast paced action in this one. It`s your typical Little guy vs Drunk guy match here. Matches like these make me feel like a kid again. Mainly because that is when they should have happened. Bobby Roode came out to get the Direct Auto Interference of the night and hit Ed Hardy with the belt even though he is feuding with Van Damn. It doesn`t make any sense to me either. It was an amazing match till that point however. Three minute match of the night! 5 Stars for keeping it short.
-Joseph Park is inexplicably back and wants more answers than the none he got last week from Playboy Bully Ray. He says that he knows that Bully had something to do with the disappearance of his brother. He knows this because he has no evidence whatsoever. Bully tells him that he has no evidence because he is Abyss and if he knows what’s good for him he’ll start looking for a mirror instead of his alleged brother. Park doesn’t seem to understand.
-Bully Ray finds Jeremy Borash back stage and decides to drag him out to the ring to let us know that all these anti-bullying campaigns are stupid and pointless. Great message for the kids TNA. Triple A Austin Aries decides that he is tired of all this bullying so he comes out to let Bubba know how fat and ugly he is. This segment ended exactly how you’d expect, with violence.
-It’s 6-Man Tag Match Time!! The KKK (Kurt, Kazarian, and Kristopher Daniels) are here to take on AJ and the Evil Foreigners. Kurt decides that he doesn’t want to be a team player and tries to wrestle the entire match by himself. Things get out of hand as you’d expect and Samoan Joe proves that he can in fact still do a suicide dive through the ropes to the outside. Kurt managed to get AJ in an ankle lock at one point which allowed Kazarian to tag himself in instead of just letting Kurt win. Kaz may be a lot of things but he’s no Kurt Angle. He ends up getting caught in a Styles Clash, which is surprisingly hard to do considering the ridiculously long set up that move requires, and loses the match for the KKK. The match was very good in spite of the terrible ending. Match of the night. 4.5 Stars.
-After the match, Kristopher Daniels gets a mic and says that it’s time for AJ to reveal his secret. He says that if AJ doesn’t come out next week, they they are going to come out and reveal it for him. And they have pictures to prove it. Tenay says that AJ has too much pride to give in to blackmail.
-It’s Gut Check Results time! Al Snow, Rick Flair, and Brother Love are all in the ring. Al Snow lets us know that Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
-It’s Main Event Match Time!! I guess someone actually listened to my angry letters because they’re actually ending this show with a wrestling match. In order to honor that fact, I am going to review this match, then watch it, and see if I was right. The match starts off with Mr Kenderson looking strong. Action soon spills to the outside and the ring barricade bear the brunt of the attack. The two combatants go back and forth for a while with near falls happening all over the place. The announcers spend most of the time not talking about the match. We probably learn some fun facts about a Kardashian or two. Ed Hardy or Van Damn probably come out for some sort of distraction that allows Roode to hit the most vicious, crushing fishermans suplex in the business and gets the pinfall victory. Oh hey, what do you know, that’s pretty much exactly what happened! This was easily the match of the night in my head and on screen. 5 stars for textbook predictability!!
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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