At the 2011 Golden Globes awards, host Ricky Gervais was hilarious. He took shots at stars, producers, and the show itself. It was awesome. Immediately following the show, the Hollywood Foreign Press assured everyone (especially a small contingent of angry famous people) that Gervais would never host again. One even went so far as to say Gervais would never work in Hollywood again.
Fast forward to eight months or so later, and the announcement is made that Gervais will host the 2012 Globes. So much for the authority of the HFP. Gervais himself went on a fairly aggressive Twitter campaign promoting the show. He assured his followers that the gloves would be off. He said that if he didn’t offend people he wasn’t doing his job. He even said he might live Tweet the event to get past the censors and say whatever he wanted.
Well, the 2012 Globes took place on January 15. Gervais’ funniest joke was directed at Justin Bieber and happened in the opening monologue. He disappeared for most of the show after that, and when he was on, he wasn’t really “on.” Basically, he mailed it in. He didn’t even live Tweet the event. But I did. Accompanied by a bottle of wine and a few beers, here’s what I saw.
Okay, kids. Football's over. Time for me to co-host the #GoldenGlobes. Without all the airtime and pay that @rickygervais is getting.
But while we're still in pre-show commercials, what the fuck was up with the #Packers tonight? Dropped passes, shitty D. Just terrible #NFL
Go away, Carson Daly. Time for some #GoldenGlobes.
"69th" Annual #GoldenGlobes? Bet that won't come up.
Gervais on a roll to start. #GoldenGlobes
The Bieber joke killed me. #GoldenGlobes Also, fuck typing #GoldenGlobes. Assume I'm talking about the #GoldenGlobes. ASSUME IT!
Johnny Depp out first to take more shit for The Tourist. Awesome. Also, to talk about Hugo's Best Drama nomination.
Ben Kingsley does not age. Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis out to present Supporting Actor for Movies
Holy shit. Jonah Hill got nominated? And lost to Christopher Plummer? Two honours in one.
Okay, CP93. Time to get off the stage.
Nice acceptance speech into Kutcher and McPherson? Nice transition. Anyway, Actress, TV Comedy (etc.). Give it to Fey and move on.
Laura Dern wins. I wasn't paying enough attention to know what she won for. I'm a poor cohost.
Out of the break, Rob Lowe and Julienne Moore out to present "Ms. Golden Globe." Teleprompter fuckup. Ha ha. Also, Best Miniseries is up.
Downton Abbey wins, to no one's surprise who reads my Twitter timeline. Never seen it, but the guys from @Marvel seem to like it.
Lowe and Moore pulling double duty for Actress in a Miniseries. I know some of the ladies, but none of the shows. Story of my life.
Love the delivery of "Kate Winslet" from @roblowe. Clearly pleased, as will be @rickygervais (my cohost).
Winslet is gracious and flustered as always. You'd think she'd expect to win by this point. Total class act.
Wow. Winslet gets played off. Now it's Freida somebody-I've-never-heard-of talking about "Midnight in Paris," which I've never heard of.
So...how 'bout them commercials, eh?
Aaaand we're back. The President of the HFP brought out Jeremy Irons as a bodyguard. HEY! IT'S HARRISON FORD! #ILikeHarrisonFordALot
Jake Gyllenhall is talking about a Marilyn Monroe movie that I didn't know existed. Just as well. Doesn't look like my cup of tea.
My cohost is being hilariously athiestic. And introducing Melissa McCarthy and Paula someone or other. Actor TV Drama being awarded here
I thought Kelsey Grammer was dead.
But instead of being dead, he's a #GoldenGlobe winner. No idea what he won for. It's probably not important.
If Kelsey Grammer played a WWII-era german soldier...nevermind.
Award to Homeland from McCarthy and Patton (thanks, The JS) for "TV Series". Really? How can I have not heard of the best TV show?
Credit to @mightyerf for filling in the many many blanks in my knowledge so far.
In news from the commercial break, Gwen Stefani is pretty.
Ugh. Jimmy Fallon and Adam Levine, who I don't know. Which, by the look of him, is a good thing. Original Score is the Award being awarded.
Not-John Williams wins. They're playing a very jaunty tune for his walk to the podium. Hope he can live up to it.
"I'm sorry I'm French" Good start. We are too.
Damn. I was trying to avoid jokes bad enough for @iamcolinquinn to use. Failed on the French one. Best Original Song next.
Hoping @chriscornell gets this one.
Fuuuck. Stupid Madonna. Don't you have a halftime travesty to be plotting?
Shut the fuck up, Madonna. The audience looks as annoyed by her as I am. Also, you won for song, not movie. Quit saying "my film."
Ms. Turkey out to give a "peace on Earth" message. Not sure what that was about, but I could go for a sandwich. Mmmm, tryptophan...
In other commercial news, Rachel Weisz is pretty.
Idris Elba wins the award for Blackest Man in a Viking movie (and Actor Miniseries)
Brad Pitt talking about Clooney's Ides of March. Which reminds me that I like Paul Giamatti a lot.
Seth Rogen is awesome. Totally killed Beckinsale with his erection line.
Michelle Williams wins Actress Comedy/Musical for being Marilyn Monroe. Not surprising.
In commercial news, I need more wine.
Some of the biggest awards yet to come? What, are they gonna start giving out Oscars? #goldenglobes
Retweeted by Michael Hodge
Buffy and some other girl whose name I didn't catch out to give Dinklage an award for Game of Thrones. I hope.
Dinklage gets a deserving win. I love @ericstonestreet, but Dinklage is epic on GoT.
Congrats @natecorbitt #GoldenGlobes
My cohost giving it to the crowd again. Bringing Clooney out now. With nonsense. Love it. Georgio Cloonoo.
Clooney out to to intro Pitt's movie in a nice nice move. Also, Jolie looks fucking miserable. Again/still.
Jessica Alba and "John Cena", according to my wife. It's actually Channing Tatum (who I would have thought was a woman, based on the name.)
Animated movie goes to Cars 2, right?
Seth Rogen's massive erection is back on stage. #PeterDinklage
Retweeted by Michael Hodge
Huh. Tintin takes it. Not Disney/Pixar. They went with that Spielberg kid.
It seems everyone is charmed by Michelle Williams. I can totally see that. #GoldenGlobes
Ewen MacGregor talking about 50/50. True story about a friend of Rogen's. Didn't see it.
Clive Owen, Nicole Kidman, Best Screenplay. Sorkin? Clooney? Nope. Woody Allen.
Huffman and Macy singing together. Sweet. What an awesome couple. And I mean that. Actress TV Miniseries/Comedy to Jessica Lange.
Kidman looked scary thin. Like Keira Knightly thin.
In commercial news, The River looks legitimately good.
My cohost has moved on to wine. Introducing Madonna. Now we have to watch Madonna be a self-serving twat again.
Foreign Language Film. I assume Madonna will adopt the accent of the winning country.
Iran's film wins. Let the "the terrorists win" jokes commence. But not here. Not from me. I can't think of a good one.
So Hoffman wasn't bored in all those shots from earlier, he was waiting patiently for his turn. Actress...TV Drama(?)
Clare Danes wins for Homeless, which I still haven't seen. I've been busy since I first heard of it like an hour ago.
If Clare Danes is pretty, she's going about showing it all wrong.
PLAYED OFF~!
Clare Danes wins for Homeless, which I still haven't seen. I've been busy since I first heard of it like an hour ago.
In commercial news, Closed Captioning is brought to you by Foster the People's debut album. An indie band can afford CC on this thing.
THAT's Emily Blunt? I had no idea. She's talking about Bridesmaids, which was hilarious and has no chance of winning Best Movie.
Wow. Fey and Lynch? that's a ton of comedy power right there.
Actor, TV Comedy/Musical. Give it to Duchovny.
Or...Matt LeBlanc. Really? What is this, the People's Choice Awards circa 1996?
LeBlanc couldn't sound less enthused. "wow, Im so nervous." And monotonous. Go away, Joey.
Bradley Cooper for Supporting Actress Movie. I like me some Bradley Cooper. Seems like a good dude. A lady from The Help won.
She can't find the stage. Seems like it'd be an easy target. The crowd seems to like her. McCarthy's in tears. Odds I'll see this movie: 0%
Freeman getting another Lifetime Achievement Award next. Works for me. Poitier and Mirren to present. Should be pretty ribald.
In commercial news, I've switched to beer. The wine was going down a bit too easy, and I have to work in the morning.
But first...Reese Witherspoon, whose hair makes it look like she just got laid, is out to talk about Clooney's The Descendants.
Stacy Kiebler sighting. Also, Sidney Poitier.
Morgan Freeman is one of my all-time favourite actors. Awesome in everyting he touches. Absolutely deserves to be enshrined and celebrated.
That was a slightly better tribute than the People's Choice Awards one the other night.
Short. Classy. Well done, Mr. Freeman.
Freeman's best role has to be Azeem in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, right?
Oh shit. Downey showed. Didn't think he would. Apparently, he was one of the ones who took umbrage with @rickygervais last year.
Downey there to talk about "The Artist," which I'm hearing about for the first time tonight.
Jolie looks terrible. Giving Scorsese an award got a smile out of her, at least. Director, Motion Picture for Hugo.
Nice to hear that Sacha Baron Cohen isn't just getting stunt cast. Dude's legit talented, but I hate his characters.
My cohost makes a rare appearance to introduce Hayek and Banderas. My audio cut out for his joke. I'm sure he'll have another in 30 minutes.
For @psychofish77 RT @Zap2itRick: Per @vulture, the bleep was "I couldn't understand a f***ing word they said."
TV Comedy/Musical. Give it to #ModernFamily.
Fuck yes. Way to go, HFP. The funniest show on TV gets recognized as such. Also, Sofia Vergara is pretty. Julie Bowen too.
This translation bit is dying on stage, but it's not terrible.
Salma Hayek and Sofia Vergara...now THERE are some Golden Globes.
Retweeted by Michael Hodge
In commercial news, Hugo Stockard Channing Tatum O'Neil is in an upcoming movie that I won't see.
Michelle Pfeiffer is not wearing a Catwoman costume. She is, however talking about a horse movie. War Bud.
Speilkberg's all teary. He clearly regrets making a movie about a horse. Marky Mark and the other Jessica are awarding Supporting Actor.
The French guy won. In typo news, "Speilberg" not "Speilkberg". Also, aren't Beil and Alba both the "other" Jessica?
In commercial news, Daniel Radcliffe is in a non-Harry Potter movie that will tank. It'll be a few years before he can get away from Potter.
Is DL Hugley slumming on Melissa McCormack's sitcom? In unrelated news (honestly, I swear), Queen Latifah is now talking about "The Help"
Gervais calls Colin Firth racist, camera IMMEDIATELY goes to The Help's table. Well played, Globes producer. Best Actress, Movies here...
Streep is a lock. Swinton looks odd...Streep wins. Line of the night: "She should bget an Oscar for looking shocked she won." -- my winf.
Streep says "shit" and my audio goes out for 10 seconds. Also, handing her glasses up through the crowd is a cool visual.
Her glasses didn't make it to her. I'm guessing Elton John pocketed them.
Don't like: Meryl Streep. Do like: Meryl Streep taking potshots at Madonna.
Jane Fonda circa 1970 out to present Movie, Musical/Comedy. Bridesmaids loses to The Artist. French people will talk . I will pee.
Best part by far is reaction shots of people not caring. #GoldenGlobes
Retweeted by Michael Hodge
I missed the dog. I did not miss the French guy getting PLAYED OFF~!
Aslo, Meryl Streep PLAYED OFF~! (forgot to mention that. I think the producer's just letting the stars know he means business 2.5 hoiurs in)
In commercial news, I would like to hug a polar bear. I would not, however, like to buy an electric Nissan.
Gervais again. He's showing an interest. Nice. Portman out for Movie Actor. I like Pitt.
Clooney wins. I still like Pitt. I don't know the guy, but he seems likeable enough. Jolie looks disgusted by Clooney fluffing Pitt.
Does she not have people? Like people to say "Stop looking like you hate George Clooney. Everyone likes George Clooney."
Have to say I'm disappointed in my cohost. He's been on camera less than Clooney, and he's said nothing worth the buzz he generated going in
Anne Hathaway and James Franco both seem to be absent. Is that allo--HARRISON FORD IS ON STAGE~!
Harrison Ford decrees that The Descendants is worthy of being handed an award. Odds I'll see that movie just went up one Harrison percent.
These guys are pretty self-congratulatory. What about "Thanks Mr. Ford for recognizing our little movie"?
10:58. They came in under. That never happens. I guess someone at the network assumed Gervais cared enough to stretch it.
Overall, Gervais was incredibly disappointing, Jolie was a cunt, Dinklage won, Rachel Weisz and Gwen Stefani are pretty, and Harrison Ford.
Can't wait for the Oscars, where fewer people I've heard of will win more awards I care less about. Thank god for alcohol.
Goodnight, psychophants #GoldenGlobes
I hate award shows - your Twiiter feed was much more entertaining!