The View From Down Here - 2012 MLB Preview: The Kevin Smith Version

With the 2012 Major League Baseball season fast approaching, and fantasy baseball drafts beginning in earnest all over the country, I decided to take this opportunity to examine some of the more intriguing storylines heading into the season.  Without further ado, I give you the 2012 MLB Preview: The Kevin Smith Edition.

You gotta boil it down to the essentials, It's like Cube said, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money!" 

With a payroll approaching $200 million for the 6th straight year, New York Yankee players should have plenty of both.  (Not to mention, they've even created their own line of cologne/perfume.)  But, even after spending all that cash, will they be able to come out on top of the AL East trio that also includes Boston and Tampa Bay?


All right-bring on the free hooch!
What will the Red Sox budget for fried chicken and beer in the clubhouse this year?


After a second straight 3rd place finish (following a September collapse reminiscent of the Cubs' last 3 playoff appearances) the Red Sox shitcanned Terry Francona and hired Bobby Valentine in an effort to clean up the clubhouse and the play on the field.  Will Valentine bring the Red Sox the World Series Championship that the fans expected in 2011? 


I'm 37?!?!?
Mark Reynolds hit the same number of home runs as Albert Pujols last year.  Doesn't matter.  The Orioles still suck.

Come on Silent Bob.  We're goin' to Hollywood!
Much like LeBron and Chris Bosh to Miami, Albert Pujols and CJ Wilson are taking their talents to LA, after signing for a  combined $317.5 MILLION.  The question is, will it be enough to take down reigning back to back AL Champs, the Texas Rangers and give the Angels their 6th AL West Championship in 9 years?


I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
I beg your pardon?
Your ruse.  Your cunning attempt to trick me.
After possibly setting a record for the largest one year drop in payroll in MLB history, I don't think New York Mets fans will appreciate ownership trying to convince them that this year's team is major league caliber.  They may even battle the Astros for the title of the worst team in baseball.  But look on the bright side.  Maybe the fans will finally forget about the "2007 Collapse."  NEVER LOSE SIGHT!  Right, Solly?

You're chasing Amy.
Silent Bob's story was used as an allegory for the old saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." St. Louis Cardinal fans are going to find out the hard way that losing Albert Pujols, Tony LaRussa, and Dave Duncan will hurt more than they realize.


I'm disgusted and repulsed.....and yet I can't look away.
With the Chicago Cubs in full on rebuilding mode, this is probably going to be an ugly season.  Luckily, the new look Cubs, and the kids in the minors, should show enough flashes to keep people watching and give Cub fans hope for the future.


There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
The Houston Astros have been ranked dead last in Sports Illustrated's first Power Rankings of 2012.  Fielding what is essentially a AAA team, and having no impact players in their farm system, they could very well make history for their futility this year.  And the future doesn't look much better.


What the hell gives with the cover boy?

Will 19 year old phenom Bryce Harper break camp with the Nationals big league club?  Jon Heyman spoke with Nats GM Mike Rizzo.  He seems to think it's possible.

"We're take a look at him and see where he's at developmentally. If we feel he's ready to play at the major-league level, we're not going to restrict him.  We'll be cautious yet open-minded. If he gives us the best chance to win, we'll keep an open mind and see where it takes us.'' 

For the sake of my fantasy team (yes, I picked him up in our minor league keeper draft the day the Sports Illustrated cover story was released) I hope he sticks with the big boys.






16? I thought she was 36. Come on guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her. 
Probably one of the lone bright spots on the Cubs' roster in 2012, Starlin Castro, was recently accused of sexual assault.  Though no charges have been filed (at this time), it will be interesting to see if he can continue to improve on his already impressive rookie season and sophomore campaign, or if this accusation will hang over his head, affecting his gameplay.


Time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some weed.
OK, admittedly, this one is hitting below the belt.  But with Josh Hamilton relapsing for the second time, isn't it fair to assume that this is something that is going to be on the minds of the Rangers' brass, as well as the fans, this year and in the future?  Why else would they table their discussions for an extension?


Say.  Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Following a 99 loss season, is it possible for the Minnesota Twins to actually be worse?  After losing Michael Cuddyer (their lone All-Star representative), Jason Kubel, and Joe Nathan, and adding Josh Willingham, Jason Marquis, and Jamey Carroll?  Yes.  Yes it is.


Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
The Miami Marlins added nearly $200 million in talent to go along with their new ballpark and "stylish" new uniforms.  They better hope that Ozzie Guillen can get them to the promised land soon or it will be a lifetime before they can recover from all that money they have spent.


Finally,
Also for the record, he LOVES the cock!
So, Mike Piazza wants to go into the Hall of Fame as a Met?  Good for him.