iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY music!
-We open with a video package that reminds us of everything that we’re being told is supposed to matter in TNA right now. So of course we get things like Joseph Park looking for Chris Youknowabyss, pix of AJ Styles slutting it up with Dixie Carter, and the champ beating the hell out of a 41 year old man and retaining his title even though no one (And by no one, I mean everyone) thought it was possible.
-Thankfully THE CHAMP IS HERE!! Ravishing Bobby Roode makes his way to the ring to tell all you fat, ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths, and let the ladies see how a real man reminds us how he is able to overcome the odds. He also reminds us that he is one week away from being the longest running champ in TNA history but mainly because he is one of the few in the company who doesn’t have to worry about dying of old age. He decides that it is time for a “Celebration of Domination”, but he can’t do it without Hulk Hogan. So he says Hogan’s name three times to summon him to the ring to lay out his demands. Hogan bores the audience with a bunch of inside shit that no one cares about on the way to telling us that next week is “Open Fight Night” again, and Roode will have to defend his title. Hogan took a pole in the back and discovered that half the locker room wants a piece of Roode. The upshot of all this blabbing is that we get 4 qualifying matches, one of which is a wildcard battle royal. And also some other stuff. So let’s get to the action, shall we?
-Bully Ray takes on BVD even tho he’s feuding with Triple A Austin Aries, this is TNA and we can’t risk that guy getting a title shot now can we? We may joke about how shitty TNA is but Bubba Ray really is doing some of the best work of his career both inside the ring and out. As heeals often do, he controls the early action, but Bob Van Damn eventually makes a comeback. Just when you think Damn has it in the bag, Bubba hits an RKO out of nowhere and gets the pin. This was an outstanding opening match in that stiff east coast style. Match of the night without a doubt. 5 stars for reminding us of what could have been.
-Backstage, “Every Segment” Bubba Ray is angry about how fat the Kardashian girls are getting when Joseph Park comes by. Bubba tells him to go away and he does. I love it when stories move forward.
-A Video Package informs us that TNA has signed an MMA champion to their roster to come in and “legitimize” their craft. We get a clip from MMA UnCensored, where the bald guy asks Dixie Carter who’s idea it was to bring a Mixed Martial Arts champ in to the fold, and Dixie says that no matter what anyone tells you, it was hers and not Vince McMahons.
-Camera shot of two hookers walking their beat, one ranting at the other like she stole her last crack rock. Oh wait, those aren’t hookers, it’s Gail and Madison again. Gail thinks it’s really unfair that she has to be forced in to a threeway (and not the good kind) tonight for her Knockouts title. Madison reminisces about the last time she was in a threeway...
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Wait, what was I talking about?
-It’s Wild Card Battle Royal time. For this match, everyone on the roster who doesn’t already have a match tonight comes out to try their luck. Like any battle royal, it’s pretty clear who has a shot and who doesn’t (sorry about your damned luck Garret Bishoff, Magnus, and ODB). Especially since it includes AJ Styles. During the match, Madison comes out to gawk at someone in the ring. It’s a mystery who it is tho. Final three is AJ, Aries, and Gunner. Gunner powers Aries out and AJ low bridges Gunner. Way to go AJ, you beat Gunner. Pretty much textbook battle royal booking here. It’s easily the battle royal of the night. 5 Stars for not letting Gunner win.
-Since it’s better when wrestlers cut promos when they’re out of breath, AJ gets on the stick to let us know the pictures are not what they seem. This brings out 2/3rds of the KKK to let us know that the point of this is that AJ gets special benefits because of his relationship with Dixie that the others don’t get and they aren’t happy about it. They also have a video that basically proves nothing. AJ has seen enough now and he leaves. I wish I could...
-Outside, Samoan Joe finds Kurt Angle and lets him know that he’s gonna kill you so Angle pulled a school yard prank he learned growing up in America and did the whole “Look at this hand” before belting him with the other hand gag. Hahaha, stupid foreigners.
-Backstage, Mr Kenderson is reviewing the screwy finish to his match at Sacrifice and wondering if his shorts make his ass look big. If you have to ask, sir, then you already know the answer...
-Since Slamiversary is coming soon, we get a video package of AJ Styles not putting people over.
-It’s Rematch Time. Mr Kenderson takes on Ed Hardy. This match happened a few days ago at Sacrifice, but Earl Hebner is so old, he fucked up the ending and now we have controversy in a feud that didn’t even have any reason to exist in the first place. And because they’re going to keep making him ref till he gets it right, Earl Hebner is back to oversee this one. Hardy is in the driver’s seat early on until Kenderson realizes how dangerous it is to have a drunk driver behind the wheel and takes over. The ending comes when Hardy blows a Whisper in the Wind, then blows a twist of fate, then somehow manages to roll Kenderson up and get the three count. This match was full of fast paced action. It was easily the rematch of the night. This match 5 stars for trying to turn nothing in to something.
-The slow pan on Christy Hemme means it’s KNOCKOUTS TITLE TIME!! This time it’s Gail Kim against Vanilla Sky and Big Brooke Tessmacher! The match starts out with Sky and Brooker T double-teaming Gail. She manages to escape leaving the two to fight each other. Bam Bam manages to hit both of her moves a few times before Gail gets back in the ring. The two challengers work each other over till Gail hits a missile drop kick on both opponents. Later, Sky manages to hit her finisher on B-Tizzle, which gives Gail the opportunity to ambush her like some kind of ninja, toss her from the ring, and pin the Total Package, Brook Tessmacher. This was as good a Knockouts match as there ever was. Definitely a match of the night contender as well. 5 stars for letting Canadians keep the companies top two titles.
-Up next, it’s MAIN EVENT Fight Night Qualifier match from 2006 TIME! One third of the KKK, Kurt Angle, takes on Non-white Samoan Joe. Who’s going to get the win in this one? We’ll find out, after this commercial break...
- Were back and as you’d expect, Samoan Joe is beating Kurt Angle to within an inch of his life. Of course, Kurt’s not going to tolerate that for long. Especially from some foreigner. The two trade moves so stiff they’d make Chris Benoit look like Chris Jericho. The end of the match comes when Kurt hits Joe with a headbutt and rolls him up for the pin. What the hell kind of weak shit is that. You can’t beat a Samoan with a headbutt? Wtf TNA. W. T. F. Until the BS ending, that match was Solid Gold. Definitely the match of the night. 5 stars only because I’d give it more if it wasn’t for that Cam Gullet of an ending.
-Post match, all 4 of the qualifiers come out to celebrate in the ring and we learn that even though they all won their matches, Hogan is going to pick who fights Roode next week because he has serious control issues, bruther.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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