Slamiversary is filmed in an actual arena and it’s LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR Slamiversary RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Hulk Hogan spends 20 minutes getting to the ring to let us know that this is a celebration! He tells us that the next 10 years of TNA are going to be twice as awesome bruther! He lets us know that he’s been around the block a few times if you know what he means (Writers Note: He means Syphilis). He decides that this show that doesn’t need any feuds or storylines so he figures that the show should start with an X-Division Title match between Triple A Austin Aries and Evil Foreigner, Samoan Joe.
-Well, the boss has spoken so BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS. Triple A Austin Aries takes on Samoan Joe while a guy wearing a Daniel Bryan shirt sits in the audience pretty much dead center in the camera shot. That’s some great branding, WWE. Taz lets us know that as an undersized wrestler, Austin Aries has to wrestle like he’s 6’9 and 350 lbs at all times. You know, like Kane. This is pretty much the opposite of how Aries wrestles thank goodness and he actually controls the early action in this one. It’s not long before Joe takes over however as Aries attempts a suicide dive through the ropes and Joe round kicks him back halfway across the ring. This match was full of innovative offense. At one point, Aries gets caught in to a Rear Naked Choke, and rolled it over in to a pin fall attempt. Lots of sick and stiff action in this one. The ending came when Aries actually hit a brainbuster on the much bigger man. This match was actually honestly without a doubt amazing. When the year-end lists come out, this match better be on it or someone is lying to you. If you didn’t see it, find it. Fuck it was good. Champ retains. 15 huge stars. It was so great to see Samoan Joe caring about what he’s doing again. And, well, Austin Aries is just the best. No doubt.
-Taz and Tenay have a discussion at ringside about who the hall of fame inductee is going to be. Tenay says that no one will tell him because if they did, he’d just blurt it out on the air due to his medical condition.
-In the ring, OMG TAZ, what’s Kid Kash doing in the Slamiversary Zone?!? Having a match with Hernandez apparently for no goddamned reason. Obviously you follow up a match of the year candidate with two people who’ve not been on tv in forever that nobody in the audience gives a crap about and then try to have them have the same match we just saw. This is so smart TNA. How are you not beating the other guys in the ratings? I just don’t understand it. This match is your textbook Austin Aries vs Samoa Joe match except shitty. It was fun to see one half of LAX take off and do a plancha over the top rope and land halfway up the entrance ramp. That was fun for sure. I thought maybe the rationale behind having this match was to build up Kash to take Aries X division title so that he can go on to fight the main event guys but then just as I was thinking that, Hernandez hit a top-rope splash and got the pin. Aries/Joe may have been the Match of the Year but this was probably the match of the night. 5 stars for surprise (I guess...) returns.
-Up next we have the tag match between the Jerky Shore and RBD & New Bishoff. I’m going to just go ahead and pretend this match didn’t happen. Tho having said that, it will probably end up being the match of the night. 5 absentee stars.
-Backstage Jeremy Borash is here to interview the KK, who let us know that they are the World Tag Team Champions of the World. And according to Kris, this is not redundant because the two are two planets worth of great and this segment is two segments worth of great as well!
-In the ring, it’s the 3-way (not the good kind) Match to determine the new number one contender for iMPACT this Thursday. In case you’ve forgotten, this match is between Mr Kenderson, Ed Hardy, and Bob Van Damn. This match was everything you could have wanted from three proven superstars. Lots of high spots and very little storytelling to clutter up the action. Everyone splats each other with big moves for about half an hour when Mr Kenderson finally hits a Mic Check on BVD and gets the pin. So Mr Kenderson is your new number one contender and you have your new match of the night! 5 stars for letting the sober one go over.
-It’s Open Challenge Time! In the ring, The Undefeated Crimson has been undefeated for 470 days and he’s pretty convinced that no one can beat him. He does the right thing and lets the audience know what a bunch of fat losers they are before letting them know that he is going to wait for someone to show up and challenge him. After about two hours of waiting, James Storm finally shows up to answer the call. So yay, it’s a Crimson vs James Storm match and I’m just happy it wasn’t Gunner. The two actually match up pretty well and the fight was pretty good. Ending came when Crimson got sweetchinmusicked and ate a pin fall as well. Sorry bout your damned streak, Crimson. You’re now just another midcard jobber. Until that happend however, this was a really great match. It was likely the match of the night. 5 Stars for making history.
-Dixie Carter makes her way to the ring and thankfully she is going to talk to us. She plays kiss-ass with the fans for a half hour before bringing out the entire TNA Roster on to the stage. Look at all the guys!! She has decided to take this moment to introduce the first inductee in to the TNA hall of fame and OMG IT’S STING ICANTBELIEVEIT!!!!!!!!! The crowd actually gets a Yes chant going. It seems like it might be Stings night. This worries me...
-I’m not sure anything can make me stop worrying about the possibilities but the Knockouts are going to try. It’s Knockouts Time! This time it is a title match between Gail Kim and Big Brooke Tessmacher. B-Tizzle got the shot after not being the shittiest face in a 4-way match on iMPACT. If i’m not mistaken, I swear I just heard Taz say “We’ve seen that spunk, all over Tessmacher.” You’re the best, Taz. There was lots of back and forth action in this one with no clear advantage for either combatant. The ending comes when Gail tried to get sneaky and hit Brooker T’s own finisher on her when she herself gets ambushed like some sort of ninja and rolled up for the pin. We have a NEW KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION! This was by far the Knockouts match of the night. 5 blown stars.
-Back Stage, Every Segment Whatshisname from somewhere wants to make sure we know who he is and he is from. He also wants us to know that this contract he holds makes his match with Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park an Anything Goes match with a No Liability Clause.
-It’s time to witness the best storyline going today!! Bully Ray takes on Joseph Park. Bully offers Park the first shot because he’s such a nice guy. Eventually Bully gets as tired of the games as we do and starts laying a beating on Park. Once in a while, Park gets a short flurry of offense but it’s all Bully otherwise. At one point, Park gets knocked out of the ring and for some incomprehensible reason, rolls under the ring. 5 minutes later and by that I mean suddenly, Chris Youknowabyss appears from under a different part of the ring. He hops in to the ring and Blackholeslams Bully through a table!!! After that, he goes back in to the um, abyss? Five minutes later, Park re-emerges from under the ring, sees that Bully Ray is out cold, and covers him for the pin. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how Park couldn’t have seen Abyss under the ring. It’s the damndest thing ever. That surprise easily made the best storyline going today deliver the match of the night. Five surprise stars.
-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Ravishing Bobby Roode, and he’s here to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs to shut your mouths and watch how a real man cuts a pre ppv main event promo. He lets us know that the only thing that anyone should be celebrating is him. He’s right by the way. He is the only thing holding this dog and pony show together. He promises to end Sting’s career tonight and I hope he is right.
-On the entrance ramp, Hulk Hogan is back and he decides to bring out OMG CHRISTIAN CAGE!!!!!!!! Cage no-sells a “Welcome Back” chant until it turns in to a “Please come back” chant. He’s here to present the number one moment in TNA history video package. Since he’s no longer in the ring when we get back, I guess I can go back to pretending he was never here because it hurts my heart less.
-Its TAG MATCH TIME! The KK take on Kurt Angle and AJ Styles in a Scarlett Letter match. The caliber of the talent in this match makes this one a no brainer, which is what TNA thinks too as they sold this PPV on the back of such shitty storytelling. Lots of back and forth action in this one. Textbook tag psychology with the heels cutting the ring in half and making frequent tags. There were lots of sick spots in this one and the ending came when Kurt reversed a Kaz finishing attempt in to an Ankle Lock and got the tap. It was at this point that we found out it was a title match because we have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! I know they aren’t even a tag team but they’re the NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! Super exciting stuff in this match! Probably the match of the night. 5 Stars for NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!
-Are you ready for the main event? Good god I sure am. But first we have to sit through some music montage that lasts literally 4 days.
-But finally, IT’S MAIN EVENT WORLD TITLE MATCH TIME!!! THIS IS STING takes on Ravishing Bobby Roode, who actually wears a very Rick Rude esque robe to the ring. Nice touch there. There was lots of fast paced action to start, with, as you’d expect, Roode selling enough for both wrestlers. Apparently this match was no count out because the action soon left the ring as the two battled all around the slightly bigger iMPACT zone. At one point, Sting locks in a Scorpion Death um... lock on the announce table and the champ taps but it doesn’t matter because it’s not in the ring. As the two make their way back to the ring, Roode finds Ed Hardy’s stash and sneaks a bottle in to the ring. He cold-cocks Sting with it while the ref is distracted doe no particular reason and gets the pin. Thank friggen Christ! Champ retains! They can do whatever else they want to me but if they had put Sting over in this match, Monday Night Flaw would have had to find a new TNA recapper. This was easily the match of the night. It had the big match feel as much as a TNA match can with no build up. 5 Stars for finally making sense.
Anyway...
That happened. And it was still probably shorter than Stu’s letter...
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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