Brought to you by AYDS!!
iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
And I’m back, bitches!!!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how on last week’s show last week there was a bunch of wrestling slathered in shitty storylines and headshaking nonsense? Thankfully I don’t, because I managed to get BJ and the Bear to feel my pain and recap it so I didn’t have to.
-If I may... I’d also like to send a special message to Thom Roper. If you sandbag in the ring as much as you sandbagged my recap two weeks ago, you’ll be jobbing in Ring of Honor in no time. Keep up the good work, budday!
-Let’s get to some Wrasslin, shall we?
-TONIGHT!! Rookie Sensation James Storm will take on Clown College graduate Ed Hardy in a BFG Match!!
-I hear music! Every Segment Whatshisname has decided to come down to the ring. I’m guessing this has something to do with Chris Youknowabyss and Renowned Chicago Lawyer, Joseph Park. Or maybe he’s just forgotten who he is again. That Alzheimer’s is a sonofabitch. He has apparently decided to join twitter so you can all follow him @2hot2k. He also wants a piece of the Park. You already know the backstory here and not just because it is a modern day classic. So the short version is that Park and Whatshisname are going to lock up next Thursday even though there is a PPV in 4 days and this feud has been going since February.
-Backstage, Hulk Hogan wants Triple A Austin Aries to give up his belt but all Aries wants to talk about is his sweet jet pack.
-I think there was some segment involving AJ and that whore he knocked up but my eyes started to burn so I was forced to look away.
-At the 14 minute mark of the show, we finally have our first match. And lucky us, it’s a Television Title match between RBD and Recently Defeated Crimson. This is your classic textbook random TV Title match. Lots of explosive action in this one. The finish comes seemingly randomly when RBD hits a Dominator and gets the three count. This was without a doubt the (first) match of the night! 5 stars for live burials.
-There are some post-match shenanigans when some hooker prances out to the ring and starts making out with Earl Hebner. Oh SNAP! That’s no hooker! That’s Madison Rayne!! You know, just the other day I was thinking, “you know what will save TNA and take it to the next level?” “Putting your 63-year-old head referee in a major, on-camera storyline involving sex.” Goddamnit TNA! Get out of my head!!!
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, “Crippled” Chris Sabin has hobbled on crutches out to the ring to tell us about what’s in store for his future. He’s wearing shades if that counts for anything... He goes in to this long speech about how everyone is telling him he should retire when we are mercifully saved from this snoozefest by the Ravishing One. Bobby Roode comes out to the ring to tell us all that the X-Division is all risk and no reward before he knocks Sabin off his feet and stomps his mangled knee for a while. Thank you, Bobby, for saying what we all think. Thank you.
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, it’s time to BRING EVEN MORE SPOT MONKEYS!! This edition of Spotfest Weekly features Dakoda Darsow (yes, that Darsow) taking on Flip Casanova. I feel like I’m playing an unmodified version of Total Extreme Wrestling 05. (Fuck you, nerds.) Super sick spot in this one when Casanova does a complete 360 degree backflip and lands, seated, on Darsows chest. The ending comes when Flip (and I use that term loosely), attempts the same move from the top rope and nearly kills Darsow when he botches it and basically stomps on Darsow’s neck. He gets the three count and advances toward the X division title I guess? This match was full of sick spots. It had to be the match of the night. 5 stars for stretchers over substance.
-Backstage, someone off camera is holding a mic and asking a couple hookers some questions about some kind of Tag Match? Oh wait, those aren’t hookers, Its Tara and Bev Tessmacher. They’re just DRESSED like hookers. Anywho... The two babble on for a few minutes but I just skip ahead to where they start making out.
-A video package reminds us that CancerFace got a job because of Gut Check. Thankfully the video package was almost as long as the Gut Check segment.
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, it’s KNOCKOUTS TAG MATCH TIME!! Tara and Betty Tessmacher take on Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. As the match is starting, Tenay lets us know that Gail is getting a title shot next Thursday on iMPACT. I wonder if he knows there is a PPV on Sunday because neither announcer has even uttered the words more than twice so far this episode. Strange knockouts action in this one with Gail busting out some ninja smoke bomb and hiding outside the ring while Maddy took a pounding to rival the one Earl is going to give her later. As if the point didn’t need more driving home, Maddy received finishers from both Tara and Bernice. But she did look especially hot while doing so, which is why this was the match of the night. 5 ample stars.
-A video package reminds us that Up and Comer James Storm still thinks he sucks. But he doesn’t think he sucks as bad as Ed Hardy so he’s going to fight him later. Later TONGHT!!
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, it's AJ out to deny his manwhoring ways. In the interest of my own sanity, I’ll boil this segment down to brass tacks. AJ is going to fight Kristopher Daniels in a Last Man Standing match at Destination X. This is really the first segment they talked about the PPV so I guess that’s good.
-Backstage, Hulk Hogan is babbling on about some inside stuff that no one cares about when some guy wearing a too-big red bandana but not being a Mexican comes in and says “were not cowards” and then starts hucking playing cards at him and yelling “Next week, Esse!!!” It was weird.
-It looks like it’s a Spotfest Weekly Double Feature because we have another X-Division “tournament” match. Now BRING BACK THE SPOT MONKEYS!! This so-called tournament doesn’t seem to have brackets or anything resembling structure but I guess even having advanced storytelling of any kind is a novelty on this program so we’ll let it ride this time. Anyway, this match features Black Guy You’ve Never Heard Of taking on White Guy You’ve never heard of. Big spots blah blah blah, very exciting, blah blah blah, sick spot, blah blah blah, black guy wins! Match of the Night! 5 stars for blah blah blah.
-A video package reminds us that Austin Aries will be going for the World Title this Sunday at Destination X. It also reveals that Aries likes to bike around, shirtless, wearing a tiny backpack. I guess that's his jet pack? Not that there’s anything wrong with that...
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!! The Young Phenom James Storm takes on Ed Hardy Brought to you by Beautytone Paints and Stains in a Bound for Glory match. Lots of back and forth action in this one. At one point, Taz gets in to a dissertation about how the Twist of Fate can be hit out of nowhere but a Superkick out of nowhere requires some set-up. I never would have thought that but I guess that’s why he does colour commentary and I write snarky satire. There was lots of back and forth hard-hitting action in this one. The ending comes when Storm takes much too long setting up a Superkick out of nowhere and gets hit with a Twist of Fate for his trouble. This was a fast paced and exciting match. It was certainly the match of the night. 5 stars for convolution.
-After the match, a very strange thing happens when Taz and Tenay actually spend some time running down the card of Destination X. I’m frightened and disoriented. I don’t know what to make of all this organization.
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, Hulk Hogan is here and he wants Aries out to relinquish his X Division Title. He’s also here to spew a bunch of inside shit that no one cares about yet again until finally Ravishing Bobby Roode comes out to save us from the pain. He reminds Hogan what a boring old joke he is until Triple A Austin Aries comes out to remind him that he’s going to take his belt on Sunday. Great stuff all around here. Now if they had have done this segment at the beginning of the show instead of the end, it would have been even better but one step at a time I guess. This show was, honestly, a solid outing with a bunch of silly bullshit mixed in. I am genuinely looking forward to Sunday. I haven’t been able to say that for a while.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you on the Male Bag with your Destination X Recap!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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