iMPACT Recap August 02, 2012
iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how last week there was that HOLD THE DAMNED PHONE THE WRASSLIN’S STARTIN ALREADY!!! Taz and Tenay inform us that there was supposed to be a tag match TONIGHT, where Ravishing Bobby Roode and Zema “The Paralyzer” Ion were to take on Triple A Austin Aries and Kenny “It’s Racist to Call Me Martin Luther” King. But the four couldn’t wait till the show even started so they’re Pier 6’ing all over the iMPACT zONE! When the match finally makes it to the ring, they decide to ring the bell and make it official. We have a match, son! There was a lot of stiff action in this one. In true heel style, Roode manages to avoid tagging in at all costs. When Roode did decided to come in to the match, the heels put on a tag clinic. They dominated King for a long time, doing a great job of inciting Triple A, but keeping him out of the match. King does his best D O Double Gee till Aries finally gets in and all hell breaks loose. In the chaos, King manages to hit his finisher on Ion and pins the X-Division champ in the middle of the ring. Way to job your already weak champ out on free tv, TNA. Awesome. Aside from the ending, the match was stellar. It was likely the match of the night. 5 stars for getting clinical.
-As I was saying... Remember how last week there was that Aces and Eights group who were kind enough to beat the Hulkster bad enough he was completely off TV? Remember how they have been causing Total Nonstop Anarchy and Bobby Roode believes they are being lead by rookie phenom, James Storm? No? You don’t? Well it’s a good thing I’m here to remind you, isn’t it?
-THIS IS STING is here and he’s gone out to the ring to let us know that he is going to look in every horse’s mouth till he gets some answers about Aces and Eights. The horse he wants to hear from right now is none other than freshly accused James Storm. Storm gets on the mic and asks if he can be serious for a minute... He says that he may have only been here a short time but he aims to prove himself on his own and not have someone else fight his battles for him. Kurt Angle then comes out and takes twice as long to say the exact same thing Sting just finished saying to Storm. The long and the short of it is that Angle and Storm will have a match, with Sting at ringside. It’s probably your main event. And it’s TONIGHT!
-We’re informed that AJ Styles is hiding from the KKK in Australia so instead of moving this story forward, we get VIDEO PACKAGES! Sweet! I was hoping this story wouldn’t advance.
-So the powers that be don’t have to worry about advancing any storylines, Taz and Tenay let us know that Hardcore Justice will feature three fatal four way hardcore matches. One will be a Ladder match, one will be a Falls Count Anywhere match, and one will be a Tables match. An interesting note here, neither BVD nor Ed Hardy will be in the ladder match. Way to put your best foot forward, TNA.
-Whatshisname tweets his way to the ring @2hot2k, and he wants to let us know that he will also be at ringside for the Storm/Angle match. They don’t call him Every Segment for nothing. In the meantime, he’s here to squash Robbie EEE. He does. And gets seven points at the expense of the Jersey Jerkoff. (Squash) Match of the night. 5 stars for having the match be short enough.
-Backstage, Earl Hebner is handing a bunch of gifts to some hooker. Oh wait, that’s no hooker, that’s Madison Rayne. She tells him she doesn’t need gifts, silly, just money will be fine. Gail sneaks up behind her like some kind of ninja and tells her that Earl better call the Four Way Number One Contenders match for the Knockouts Title right now because anything less would bring great dishonor to his famarie. Also, that match is NEXT!
-Oh goodie! Brittany Tessmacher is joining us on commentary. This oughta be good. It’s kinda strange tho because Taz keeps calling her Brooke. Which is totally not her name by the way. The four-way (not the good kind) features Tara, Mickey James, Gail Kim, and Madison Rayne at a total combined age of a hundred and thirty four!! (Fun Fact: Gail Kim is three years OLDER than Mickey James. Betchya wouldn’t have guessed that). Lots of hot Knockouts action in this one. I’m pretty sure Taz just asked Beth, who she’d like to fist at Hardcore Justice. Remember how a little while ago, the She Hulk sent Vanilla Sky away to shoot some music video with some country band? It must not have gone well... Oh and Earl pulls the screwjob ending and gets Maddy the victory. This was definitely the Knockouts match of the night. 5 flimsy stars. (Directors Note: Don’t show Tara in close up. Yikes.)
- Sting and the She Hulk are back stage talking about a bunch of shit I don’t care about. Plus looking at Brooke makes me sick to my stomach. So I’m sure you don’t care if I skip it.
-Back stage EY and ODB are here. They say a bunch of stuff that takes away my nausea from the former segment. Also EY’s fishing show debuts yesterday but no one gives a crap.
-Speaking of no one giving a crap, Kid Kash and Gunner are here. It’s nice to see these crazy kids finally finding someone they can connect with, but I digress. Kash is here to take on the roster’s newest umm, immigrant? Chavo Gurerrieo. There is a ton of fast paced stiff action in this one. I’m really starting to see why Kash never made it to the big leagues. Goireo mines his family legacy throughout this match, finally finishing of Kash with a Frog Splash a la Eddie Gorrerreo. This was likely the Match of the night. 5 stars for kickoffs.
-Kurt is backstage talking to some other snot nosed legacy piece of crap when the alleged Television Champion and his little buddy Garret let Kurt know that they have his back with Aces and Eights tonight in his match.
-In the ring, Kaz and Kristopher are throwing Klaire a baby shower... So yeah... The sick feeling is back...
-Backstage, Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park lets us know that he now provides legal representation to a couple of TNA superstars. Just in case you were worried he wouldn’t be on TV anymore.
-IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!! It’s a BFG Series match between James Storm and Kurt Angle with half the roster at ringside. As is often the case, the match starts out very strong. Lots of hard hitting action from two superstars who can really brawl. Over the course of the match, more superstars make their way to ringside in expectation of Aces and Eights. But they don’t show up, and Storm ends up finally managing to find the time to set up a Sweetchinmusic out of nowhere. We have your Match of the Night! 5 stars for straight up clean finishes.
-All the folks standing around at ringside are befuddled by the lack of interference in this match. Granted most of the folks at ringside are befuddled by shoe laces but that’s beside the point. James Storm gets on the mic and invites Aces and Eights to come out. But they don’t show up so everyone starts fighting each other like the meatheads they are.
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See you next week.