iMPACT Recap March 29, 2012
iMPACT is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey Buddays!
It’s Mr Canada here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now, cue MY theme song!!
-Maybe you remember last week when we were waiting for a decision from the Hulkster on whether or not he was going to admit to secretly running TNA. Dixie Carter plans to find out and tell us TONIGHT!
- I guess Canada’s Shame Bobby Roode has decided to not hide in Canada till Lockdown because he’s here! He is flanked five different guys in security uniforms that don’t match. Bobby is here to tell you all that you might want him fired but he’s rubber and you are glue. He reminds us that he beat down Sting at Victory Road two weeks ago. He reminds Dixie Carter that he’s got 99 problems but a bitch aint one, unless that bitch is James Storm.
-Obviously those fighting words bring out James Storm. He comes to the ring and asks if he can be serious for a minute... Before he gets a chance to get serious though, he gets in the way of Bully Ray who decides to destroy him. Storm seems to be in the habit of taking on two guys at once lately (just sayin...) so tonight he’s going to fight Bobby Roode and Bully Ray, LATER!!
-Backstage Gail Kim and Madison Rayne are having a little girl time if you know what I mean. It involves presents and a lot of hugging. It also involves us finding out that Madison gets to fight Velvet Sky, LATER!
-Later is NOW! Bring on the Knockouts! Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky put on a heck of a good fight here. Throughout the match, Madison keeps yelling something about letting the pigeons loose. Mr Canada doesn’t really understand it but it sounds sexual so he’s not going to touch it. This Velvet Sky is quite the talent. She reminds Mr Canada of an older, fatter, Trish Stratus. Velvet manages to hit her finisher and gets the pinfall victory. Velvet wins. After the match, once she finally catches her breath, she lets us know that she is coming for Gail!
-Backstage, Bully Ray reminds Bobby Roode who he is and that he is looking forward to kicking Storm’s ass tonight. Bobby says “You had me at hello...” then they make out for a while...
-OUTSIDE, Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan are sitting on a park bench and trying to fight off loose pigeons if you know what I mean... Dixie lets Hulkster know that she needs him inside her company. She’s still mad that he didn’t leave her a piece the last time he was in charge. He says that he needs to think about it. He usually prefers younger women.
-Video Recap time. This edition features the break up Crimson and Matt Morgan. It sums up why the two will be fighting, LATER!
-Kurt Angle is back stage. He heard that Jeff Hardy called him a big cheaterpants so he lets us know that Jeff is just a big crybaby. And also he’s a liar. A liar liar pants on fire kind of liar. He says that he’ll give him a rematch if he can beat Mr Anderson, LATER!
-Christy Hemme is about to introduce the next match when A-Double Austin Aries interrupts her to let us know that there is no competition left for him in the X Division so he wants to fight Bully Ray. He wants to get involved in Storm’s two on one action later tonight. I guess we’ll see eh?
-Things are aboot to get combustible up in here! Matt Morgan and Crimson due battle and Crimson is going to win because he’s on a 14 month undefeated streak and ending it now would be colossally stupid, right? Quite a physical match here. The ending is a double count out. Doesn’t that technically count as a loss for Crimson? Oh My God? I can’t believe it! We’ve just witnessed history! Crimson loses!! But so does Matt Morgan.
-Joseph Park is in the production truck asking anyone if they’ve seen Abyss. They wonder why he’s been wandering around this parking lot for three weeks and still only talked to like 10 people, counting the 7 of them. He’ll never find Abyss at this rate eh?
-Next up, Mr Anderson takes on Jeff Hardy. This match reminds me of a time I saw Biff Wellington take on Brian Pillman in the school gym in Medicine Hat Alberta. Mainly because Biff was a total dick and Pillman smelled like beer and cigarettes. But I digress eh? The entrances take forever. Hardy barely makes it to the ring to be honest. Mr Canada is starting to think that an intervention is in order. Solid work in this one. When we thought it was aboot to be a clean match, Kurt Angle comes out to help Anderson get the victory. Pinfall Win, Mr Anderson.
-It’s Country Music Video time! I review wrestling shows, not music videos so go watch it on Youtube eh? (PS: It Suhuhuhucked!)
-We see a hilarious interchange between EY, ODB, and a wedding planner. What we find out from this joy of a segment is that the two crazy kids are going to get married in a Steel Cage, 3 Days before Lockdown! I can’t wait!!
-Amazing Eric Bishoff is in the ring to tell us how exciting it is to be him. He reminds us how it isn’t Hulk Hogan running the show secretly, it’s him running the show secretly. Right now he wants to use Creative Control to deal with his snot-nosed punk of a son. He gives the ungrateful bastard child a choice. He can walk away from wrestling or he can fight Gunner.
He decides to disrespect his father by calling him dumb and telling him that he’s not going anywhere. He is happy to fight Gunner in a cage. Why wouldn’t he be? It’s Gunner, eh?
-A video package shows James Storm working out in a barn for some reason. He asks if he can be serious for a minute... Then he waxes philosophical about his dad’s advice and something about wanting to be the world champion again.
-Slow pan on Christy Hemme. It must be cold in the iMPACT zone...
-It’s main event match time as What’shisname Bully Ray and Canada’s Shame Bobby Roode, take on James Storm and A-Double Austin Aries. Originally this was supposed to be a two on one match. Now it’s a two on one and a half match. A-Double starts things off and takes some punishment but then makes a good showing for a little guy and overcomes handicap of being a much shorter man.PUNSHOUSE.COM!! Aries finally gets the tag to Storm and it’s Superkicks for Everybody! He hits What’shisname square in the jaw and covers him for the pin. Victory: Storm and Aries.
-It’s time for MAIN EVENT TALKING!! Dixie Carter is already in the ring which is good because Hogan only moves about a metre a minute so this would take forever! I hope Hogan decides to become the GM. It could literally be the best thing to happen to TNA Ever! Hulk talks and talks and talks till finally STING comes out to talk. Then he talks and talks and talks. Then all the faces come out from the back to show their support and they talk and talk and talk. Yes or No Hulkster? Whatchya gonna dooooooo?!?!
OMG HE SAID YESSSS YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Anyway...
That happened eh?
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
Wait, what??
See you next week!!
Your buddy
MR CANADA!
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