iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how at Slammiversary, some guy made an open challenge because no one cared enough about enough in 16 months to him to give him a meaningful feud? And remember how James Storm returned to TNA and was all “If I can be serious for a minute...” and then kicked the guy’s head in to the balcony seats? Yeah me neither.
-Tonight on iMPACT we’ll see an OMG ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE X DIVISION TITLE TONIGHT! We’ll also see the return of the Bound for Glory series. There will be a big BFG Gauntlet match TONIGHT! And TONIGHT Mr Kenderson will take on Ravishing Bobby Roode for the TNA World Title. TONIGHT!!!
TONIGHT!!!
-Bring on the SPOT MONKEYS! The Ultimate X match features Chris Sabin, Zema “The Paralyzer” Ion, and of course, the champ, Triple A Austin Aries. TNA cares about enough about its talent to give the challengers the Ryback treatment and have them already in the ring when it’s time for entrance music. A company that’s hemorrhaging cash doesn’t want to go wasting electricity and pyro on entrances for people who need no introduction. Good thinking TNA. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Ultimate X match variation, it’s like a Ladder match without ladders, or a Money in the Bank match without a brief case, or a variation of the “on a pole” format except without a pole. The match begins and progresses about how you’d expect. A combatant would hit his high spots then get out of the way for the next to do the same. This cycle would repeat for about four and a half hours. During the match, Mike Tenay reminded us that every time he sees Zema wrestle, he is reminded of how Jesse Sorenson broke his neck in a match with him. No Tenay, Jesse didn’t break his neck, Zema broke Jesse’s neck. You blame the victim better than Chris Brown you classy, classy man. I would have thought this would have been a great time to have someone finally go over Aries so that he can move on to the main event picture. Chris Sabin, having been in 15 Ultimate X matches and won 6 of them, would seem like the logical choice. But obviously it’s much MORE sensible to let Aries win and keep the belt on him while the division slowly atrophies beneath him. So of course this is what happened. Since matches like these benefit so greatly from long buildups where there are clear reasons why each participant is present, this is obviously the overbooked, gimmicky surprise match of the night. 5 intact spinal cords.
- Since wrestlers always cut better promos after their matches when they are out of breath, Triple A Austin Aries grabs a mic after successfully defending his X Division title. He reminds us again that no matter when he wrestles, it’s always the main event because he still doesn’t know what main event means. He tells us he’s the greatest man who ever lived. He tells us that he’s grown tired of the X Division and that he is also tired of how slow everyone moves in this company. This is of course triggers Hulk Hogan’s 45 minute entrance. Hogan comes out to the ring and starts babbling a bunch of boring, inside shit that no one cares about. A Hogan chant gets going and Aries says “He knows his name.” Classic! The bottom line is that Aries can have a world title shot at Destination X, but he has to relinquish the X Division title in order to have the shot. Hogan gives him one week to decide. I am a bit surprised about this. Shouldn’t they be having this discussion once Destination X has already started? All this pre planning is frightening...
-LATER! We’re going to hear from Sting! This graphic means it’s important!
-Somewhere back stage, Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park is holding court iiff youuu wheeeel, when Every Segment Whatshisname shows up demanding that Park reveal the location of Chris Youknowabyss. Whatshisname flips the table over and you film nerds will recognize this as a metaphor for the tables turning in this story line as once it was Park looking for his brother, and now it’s that other guy trying to find him instead. Are we sure Orson Wells isn’t writing this?
-In the ring, it’s time for another championship match! This time it’s the TV title on the line as RBD takes on another Ro...HOLD THE DAMNED PHONE IT’S SUPER MEX, HERNANDEZ!!! This is your textbook Big man Vs Big Man match from two tag team specialists. Lots of smashmouth action in this one with one big power move after another. For no particular reason, RBD hits a dominator out of nowhere and gets the three count. Champ retains. This was easily the match of the night if for no other reason than it had no one named Robbie in it. 5 stars for keeping it fresh.
-A video package is kind enough to recap the storyline between Kaz, Kris, AJ, and Dixie so I don’t have to. After the package ends, Dixie is backstage telling AJ that if he wins his match tonight, she’s going to give him head. At least I think that’s what she said. I wasn’t really listening.
-IT’S BFG Gauntlet Match time! It kicks off with AJ and Ed Hardy. The two go back and forth for a while with AJ using his patented offense and Hardy choosing to employ drunken style (obviously). After some undetermined interval, BVD comes out to the ring. We take a commercial and when we come back, Magnus, and Whatshisname have entered the fight also. It turns out that participants can be eliminated by being tossed over the top rope. This sounds familiar... Also, the winner gets 20 points! I think the points must be used to buff stats or something. I can’t see why else they’d need them. Oh and Kurt Angle is here now and no one has been eliminated. Like 30 seconds after he gets there, the Pope IS HERE!! DiAngelo DiNegro has entered the competition. LOOK AT ALL THE GUYS!! From out of nowhere, Chris Youknowabyss is here! He grabs Whatshisname and drags him over the top rope, eliminating him from the fight. We go to commercial again and when we return we are greeted with having a Robbie in the ring, and BVD unceremoniously eliminated. Soon after Kristopher Daniels enters the ring and does his best Kane impression, eliminating both AJ and Angle. The Evil Forigner Samoan Joe enters the ring, thankfully taking out his frustration on Robbie E, eliminating him from the match. The off colour quote of the night comes from Taz when he says “Look at these two guys banging out here!” James Storm comes out next and I guess last and starts cleaning house. He finally wins when he sweetchinmusicks Samoan Joe over the top rope. This was a fantastic outing for the young up and comer. This is a big win that is really going to go a long way towards moving him in to that main event picture. This was easily the Royal Rumble err, I mean, BFG Gauntlet match of the night! 5 elevating stars.
-Since wrestlers obviously always do their best promos when they are out of breath after their matches, James Storm gets on the mic. He lets us know he wants to be serious for a minute... He reminds us that he spent the last 6 weeks at home crying and complaining about how much he sucks, but then he saw a couple episodes of iMPACT and realized that you really don’t have to be that good to fight in TNA so he has set his sights on becoming the World Heavyweight Champion. He knows he has to pay his dues first though, being the young upstart that he is, so he’s going to go through this Bound for Glory nonsense and hope that he finds Ravishing Bobby Roode at the end.
-Speaking of Ravishing Bobby Roode, he’s backstage staring off in to space for some reason when he is approached TMZ style and asked what he makes of all this. He lets us know that he thinks this James Storm guy has a good look, and lots of potential perhaps, but if he thinks he’s ready for a title shot, then he has another thing coming. Oh and while we’re at it, Roode reminds us that later tonight he’s going to tell all you fat ugly sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man punishes an asshole. I think I saw a video of that one time...
-Slow pan on Christy Hemme... The long bangs are really working for ya... Oh, and it’s Knockouts time! This match features Madison Rayne taking on Brooke (Don’t call Me Miss) Tessmacher. I learned earlier today from my close personal friend Scott Steiner that The She-Hulk Brook Hogan has decreed that Brooke Tessmacher is not allowed to use her actual real first name as her wrestling name because this company is only big enough for one Brooke apparently. Granted that Brooke is approaching Orton-like dimensions... I knew bringing in the Hulkstress was going to be amazing. Anyway, there is lots of hot knockouts action in this one with B-Tizzle controlling the majority of the offense. The ending came when Brooker T killed Rayne with another new finisher. This was by far the match of the night. 5 stars for pseudonyms...
-Back stage, the actual Brooke Hogan gets all cunty with Gail Kim and basically tells her that she’s taking her off TV. It’s really uncomfortable and it makes me feel really awesome and hopeful about the direction the Knockouts division is taking...
-Sweet merciful heaven, this show is almost over because it’s MAIN EVENT TIME!! Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring for the official introductions. Surprisingly Kenderson doesn’t make a fuss about it. The match starts off at a frenetic pace. It manages to maintain the pace for most of the match. Lots of big spots and near falls. Roode spends a lot of time working on the neck and upper back of Kenderson, according to Taz, this is presumably softening him up for the world’s most devastating fisherman’s suplex. The pace picks up as we approach the end when again Roode busts out a Crippler Crossface. I guess he just uses it now. He’s Canadian so I’ll allow it I suppose. Kenderson gets out of it once but Roode manages to lock it down again and this time, Kenderson is forced to tap. This was an outstanding match and I am happy to see a great Canadian champion starting to use a killer of a finisher. This was without a doubt the match of the night. 5 crippling stars!
-Just when you think the show is over, THIS IS STING! makes his way out to the ring to talk about how shocked he was to find out that he was the first inductee in to the new TNA Hall of Shame, I mean Fame. He’s blathering on thanking people when three identically dressed, masked men come out and beat the living crap out of him. I guess dreams really do come true...
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week!!
Your Pal
2HoT
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