Brought to you by BRAWNDO, the THIRST MUTILATOR!!
iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers! It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
-Remember how on last week’s show a young up-and-comer returned to the ring to set his sights on reaching the top, and the world’s greatest curtain jerker was given a week to decide whether or not he wants to be the actual main event, or continue to flounder in the undercard. You don't? Well you'll be sorry!
-It’s OPEN FIGHT NIGHT and HULK HOGAN is HEEEEEEEERE!!!
-Tonight, we have open fights, the BFG series, and Gut Check! How can this show only be two hours?!? Hogan is in the ring begging for change, and he says that all that stuff that happened to Sting last week will never be spoken of again. I not so secretly wish that was how they ended every show every week. It really is the best use of Sting at this point. Apparently Hogan is also waiting for an answer from Triple A, Duuuuude! Aries comes out and the iMPACT zONE fANS start up an Austin Aries clap clap clapclapclap chant and he reminds them that he already knows his name, unlike Every Segment Whatshisname. So instead of taking option A or B, Aries lets us all know that the standard now is that at Destination X every year, the X division champ will have the option to give up his title for a World title shot, oh and Aries is going to fight Bobby Roode at Destination X. This of course brings out the Ravishing one, and he wants to tell all you ugly, stupid, Florida fatties, to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man cuts an opening segment 20 minute promo. Aries tells Roode that since it’s open fight night, the two should get in the ring RIGHT NOW! This, of course, causes words to come to blows (not that kind, you pervert). As Aries and Roode and are being separated, Mr Kenderson decides to poke his mic in to their business. He doesn’t really have anything to add except to change the subject and say that he’s going to win the Bound for Glory Series. That’s funny because I didn’t realize he’d changed his name to James Storm.
-Mike “The Spoiler” Tenay tells us to pay attention to the graphic that explains the points system for the Bound for Glory series. As if this show wasn’t great enough already, now we get to do math too?!? I love it when TV gives me homework!
-Meanwhile, back in the ring, Mr Kenderson is still here and he wants to challenge someone to a Bound for Glory Open Fight Night Open Fight Glory Challenge. Or something like that... Anyway, he’s calling out Kristopher Daniels because he thinks outing adulterers is wrong. Since Kris can’t refuse, it’s on! This is your typical Bound for Glory challenge match with lots of hard hitting action. Mike Tenay reminds us that you can use social media to let everyone know what you think of #impactlive. Incidentially, this week I used my twitter account, @2hot2k, to let Hulk Hogan know exactly how awesome I think it is that he hired his smart and thin and talented daughter to handle running the Knockouts division. Her wealth of experience is going do unbelievable things to, I mean for, that division. While I was rambling there, Mr Kenderson hit a Mic Check on Kris and got 7 points worth of pinfall victory. This was, without a doubt, the flimsily premised match of the night. 5 questionable stars.
-Back stage, the She-hulk has gathered all the Knockouts to decide who should get a title shot. I seem to remember a less cunty version of this segment happen two Open Fight Nights ago with the actual Hulk Hogan and a bunch of duuudes. Brooke lets all the ladies know that she is in charge and she isn’t going to take any of their bullshit. She decides that Madison Rayne can’t have a title shot because as the longest reigning Knockouts Title holder of all time, she’s already held it too long, and is eliminated. What an uplifting segment!
-Robbie E is in the ring figuring that since he is such a douchebag, he should have a BFG match. He intelligently decides that he should open it up to anyone. Thankfully, Kurt Angle answers the call, comes out to the ring, tears Robbies leg off, and shoves it up his ass. Thank you Kurt. Thank you so much. You made this the Match of the Night. 5 Squishy Stars.
-This week, The Gut Check Challenger is a Woman?? She also doesn’t know how to spell Taylor. Oh and she had cancer. She decided to become a pro wrestler because she saw it on TV, and also she had cancer.
-Magnus is here and he takes 10 minutes to tell us he isn’t gay, he’s just English, and that he wants to challenge AJ Styles to yet another BFG match. By the way, Bound for Glory is in OCTOBER! Which means we are going to get BFG matches for the next four and a half months! Isn’t that awesome!! Continuitizing like a muthafucka! This is just the kind of match you’d expect from two guys with secrets in their closets. Lots of high impact maneuver and stiff shots. The ending comes when the KK come out and distract AJ, allowing Magnus to hit his totally straight finisher and get the pin. This was a solid outing from Magnus and it was also the straight up singles match of the night. 5 firm stars.
-It’s Gut Check Time!! Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring to introduce “Cancer Girl” Taeler (see what I mean?) Hendrix! She gets the pleasure of trying not to injure Tara!! Lots of hot knockouts action in this one. Hendrix manages to keep her chemo wig in place throughout the match but still ends up eating a Widows Peak and goes down to defeat. This was probably the best Gut Check match by far. It was easily the Gut Check match of the night. 5 stars for medical science!
-Backstage, Every Segment Whatshisname has found Renown Chicago Lawyer Joseph Park and wants him to know that he‘s sick of seeing him and that he’s sick of seeing Chris Youknowabyss. He says that if he sees either again, they aint gonna be seen by anyone else evah. I wonder if Whatshisname knows he can be sued for uttering threats. Maybe a renown Chicago lawyer should point that out to him.
-In the ring, Evil Foreigner, Samoan Joe is here to let us know that he wants to kick things off tonight by fighting this new, hot young talent, James Storm. The show started an hour ago but I’m not gonna split hairs with a submission machine. Regardless, Country Superstars, Montgomery Gentry, signal the arrival of James Storm. He tries to let Joe know that he wants to be serious for a minute... but Joe just starts throwing educated feet. Is it weird that his feet have more education than his brain does? So far tonight, everyone who’s called someone else out tonight has won their match. Unfortunately he called out a kid on the rise to superstardom so after ten minutes of hard hitting action, he got sweetchinmusicked for his troubles. A bad night for Joe, and a match of the night for us! 5 stars for upsets?
-A video package recaps all the sordid shenanigans between Dixie and AJ so I don’t have to.
-As if that segment wasn’t uplifting enough, we find ourselves back in the office with the Hulkstress, still trying to determine who gets a title shot against Brandy Tessmacher tonight. She gets all cunty with ODB and decides that ODB doesn’t need to be on TV for a while. It’s just the kind of feel good television that’s really going to take this company to the next level.
-In the ring, Whatshisname is here. He asks the audience if someone for the love of god could tell him who he is. He too wants a BFG match tonight. He wonders who he should challenge. He decides he wants to get all biblical up in here so he challenges “The Pope”, DiAngelo DiNegro. Whatshisname doesn’t even wait for DiNegro to finish getting ready before jumping him from behind and laying a lashing on him. Pope manages to battle back just in time for Chris Youknowabyss to show up. The interloper takes a couple of shots from Whatshisname before chasing him back in to the ring, just in time for the Pope to segregate his head from his neck with a clothesline. DiNegro wins! On the surface, this match may not have seemed like much but if you go beyond skin deep, you’ll know this was the match of the night. 5 stars for adding a splash of colour to this storyline.
-Hulk Hogan is back stage following a cloud of smoke all the way to Bob Van Damn and Ed Hardy. He must have got a contact high because he decides that the two should wrestle tonight as the main event from last month.
- Up next, we get to see half of the country video Vanilla Sky was forced to shoot with Montgomery Gentry because the only thing better than having to watch a country video is having to watch half a country video then cutting it off to drive traffic to a website. Very clever, TNA!
-It looks like Mickey James is going to be taking on Brenda Tessmacher for the Knockouts title. It’s very difficult to defend your title against an opponent you just found out about moments ago. Almost as difficult as it is to get heat in a match that has no reason to happen. Lots of great Knockouts action in this one. The two put on a botched chain wrestling clinic. James dominates most of the action but late in the match Brigitte manages to mount a comeback that culminates with her nearly killing Mickey with a roll up. Betty retains. This was an outstanding and fast paced match, easily the Knockouts match of the night. 5 stars if you grade on a curve.
-Finally it’s Main Event Time. This Up In Smoke Bound For Glory match features Ed Hardy and Bob Van Damn. They had the very same match a month or so ago but they were as high then as they are now. Oh yeah, and Hardy wins again. Tonight, just as it was a month ago, we have your match of the night. 5 stars for Deja Vu.
-What do you mean the show isn’t over. It’s only 2 hours, right? Are you sure? It feels like an eternity. Thank God nobody sends ME letters...
-Oh right, lucky us, we get to witness AJ and Dixie unburden their souls in the middle of the squared circle. It was a lot of muttering for 15 minutes or so about how we don’t have to do this and about how we don’t owe anyone an explanation before some other random chick comes out and basically says that she’s a pregnant crack head and they were just trying to protect her secret even though no one has ever heard of her. Kaz and Kris run to the ring to attack AJ because they are as outraged and flat out flabbergasted at the depth of stupidity this company can reach as I am.
-I am literally sick with rage right now. I am not sure at this point if you will see another iMPACT recap from me. I don’t think I can take one more minute of this.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to 2hot@flawedcast.net
See you next week??
Your Pal
2HoT
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