iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music AGAIIIINNNN!
-Remember how hARDCORE jUSTICE just happened recently and it was more or less TNA back to their old antics of having matches that weren’t announced, giving nonsensically strong pushes to people who don’t deserve it, Having stunningly poor in-ring performances and even busting out the Dusty finish? No? You don’t? I fucking JUST told you about it! What the hell is the matter with you people?!?!
-Since I’m here anyway, we might as well get back to the wrasslin I guess.... TONIGHT! The Bound for Glory series SHOCKINGLY RESUMES! This time American Jigalo Styles takes on one third of the KKK for the milestone 5000th time! Tonight! Totally Straight Magnus gets to put his hands on Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe to see if he can get a rise in the rankings if you know what I mean... Tonight! Every Segment Whatshisname will take on The Inebriated Enigma Ed Hardy in the MAIN EVENT, provided Hardy doesn’t pass out in the next hour and a half. TONIGHT!!!
-In the ring, The Champ is HERE. Triple A Austin Aries is out to tell us all to take the E off of fluke and go Fluck ourselves. Are American schools really that bad? Fluck isn’t even a word! And besides, this is odd behaviour from our apparent face champion don’t you think? Luckily Ed Hardy is here to stumble his way to the ring and slur his way through letting us know that he doesn’t know what’s going on around here (shocker) but he knows that he needs to fight a BUNCH of guys, like Aces and Eights. Instead of a bunch of guys however, He gets one really fat guy as this segment needed more Whatshisname I guess. Whatshisname comes out and talks for 4 hours about how Storm is behind the attacks, and he’s going to win the Bound for Glory and he’s going to get the world title and blahdeblahdeblah. Aries then gets back on the mic and we get to hear Oh Poor Me (I’m an Underdog) off of his greatest hits album, when Aces and Eights get on the screen to tell us that This time they really are going to show up and make a major umm impact, not like all those other times they said that and then didn’t do much of anything. I, for one am on the edge of my seat in anticipation!!
-Back stage, Totally Straight Magnus is being interviewed about his match later with Samoan Joe. He thinks he has a good shot at topping the submission machine. He says that since the two were tag partners, he knows not just Joe the wrestler, he knows Joe the man. Inside and out if you know what I mean...
-Let’s get right to that match shall we? Joe makes his way to the ring to await the incoming Magnus. Fast paced action as the match gets underway. The two roll all over each other, each trying to tie the other down for a submission. Magus is on top for most of the match as he imposes his will on the Samoan. Suddenly out of nowhere, Joe reverses some sort of something in to a roll up and finishes early! Joe Wins! This was a decent if short match that has to be in the running for match of the night. 5 spurious stars!
-After the match, TSM is upset that he was left so unsatisfied so while Joe was making excuses for leaving, Magnus nailed him with a steel chair! If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think that they were starting to set up a post bound for glory feud for these two. But then I remember this is TNA so it probably means nothing.
-Backstage some hooker is blabbing on about not getting enough respect but now she’s the champ and people are going to respect her. Why would a hooker be talking abo... Oh that’s Graverobber Madison Rayne! She didn’t really have much interesting to say before some curtain jerker came to tell her that the She Hulk wants to see her in the ring. Which means we have to see the She Hulk in the ring. Fantastic!!
-Maddy comes out to the ring first, thinking she’s there for a championship celebration. She says she hopes Brook brings the cake. Joke’s on YOU Maddy. Brook ate all the cake. Brook comes out to let us know that the woman who’s name she stole gets a rematch tonight and there will be a special guest she-referee. Then Madison shot on her for ten minutes about how the Hogans are ruining the wrestling business. The She Hulk decides she can’t handle the truth so she takes off after Madison, who narrowly escapes. Once she finally lumbers to the ring, Aces and Eights show up and scare her? I guess. Anyway, a bunch of locker room flunkies come out and chase them off. This leads to Sting hitting the ring to issue an open challenge for Open Fight Night next week. Our guys against Your guys! Wanna bet the Aces and Eights don’t show up? What do you think, we advance storylines around here?
-So business is about to pick up because AJ Styles just added a stip to his match tonight. If he loses, that means he IS the father of Klaire’s baby. If he wins, then he gets to get a paternity test to confirm that he’s the father of Klaire’s baby. He’s in the ring to take on one third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels. This match, being the 5000th was pretty much the same as every other match between these two. It’s a case of “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” truly. And by that I mean this match was magnificent. The ending comes when AJ nails Kristopher with a Pele Kick, gets the three, and then nails a Styles Clash for good measure. This was easily the match of the night for sure. 5 highlight reel stars.
- Hulk Hogan is going to go Old School next week, which I guess means he’s going to bring back Vince Russo to hammer those last few nails.
-Young Phenom James Storm has decided that he needs to be at ringside for the Whatshishname/Hardy match. Partly because of Aces and Eights, and partly because he hasn’t been on the show yet tonight.
-Ravishing Bobby Roode is here! And he wants to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man cuts a post Dusty Finish promo. The crowd starts chanting “Loser” at him. Takes one to know one I guess... Roode is steamed because he doesn’t get another rematch. He wants us all to know whats next for him but he drops the mic and walks away. -Young Phenom James Storm has decided that he needs to be at ringside for the Whatshishname/Hardy match. Partly because of Aces and Eights, and partly because he hasn’t been on the show yet tonight.
-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME. It’s your Hardcore Justice Title Match Rematch featuring Graverobber Madison Rayne taking on Barrett Tessmacher. Once the two make it to the ring, Brook Hogan comes out to introduce the new special guest referee! OMG TAZ! What’s TARYN TERRELL doing in the iMPACT Zone?!? I guess she’s here to ref? I didn’t know she’d turned 30? Fun bit, when Brook was introducing Taryn, she basically fell off the entrance ramp trying to get out of the way. Way to Shockmaster it up there, She-Hulk. I’m going to go ahead and guess this was a good match, I don’t really know. I spent the entire time staring at Taryn. I’m sure no one will care if I just give this Match of the Night. While I’m at it I’ll add 5 beautiful stars. Oh yeah, Brian got her title back for no fucking reason as well.
-Thank goodness it’s Main Event Time! The Wayback Machine has dropped us off in 2002 for a match between Ed Hardy and Whatshisname. This was a pretty solid brawl. It went back and forth and James Storm more or less decided to let the veterans do their thing without getting involved. Of course Aces and Eights come out, distract Bully, allowing Hardy to get the victory. Mhhufdhnight5starswhatever. Everyone comes out to chase off the thugs, and once they leave, Storm is unharmed so Whatshisname is obviously livid. He finally takes off and that is just when Whaaaaaaaa??? Aces and Eights return and lay a savage beating on Storm!
How will this all play out next week on open fight night?!?! Badly I bet.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT
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