hARD cORE jUSTICE is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR hARD cORE jUSTICE RECAP!!, Now cue MY Music!
TONIGHT!! The World Championship of the World will be up for grabs as Triple A Austin Aries takes on Ravishing Bobby Roode in a “Shoehorned Stipulation” Match. Tonight!! We have THREE HARDCORE MATCHES and nary a storyline between them! Its Tables, Ladders, and Fallscountanywhere’s! Oh MY!! Tonight!! Barry Tesmacher defends her Knockouts Title against Madison “The Graverobber” Rayne, with special guest referee, actual referee Ancient Earl Hebner! TONIGHT!! There will probably be some other stuff they never told us about!!
-As is the fashion at every TNA ppv, we kick off the night with a completely unannounced match. This completely unannounced match features the newly formed tag team of Kid Kash and Gunner, because nobody else wanted to work with them. They take on the newly reformed LAX, this time with 50% more Gurerio. As LAX walk to the ring, Taz and Tenay gush about what a “Natural Tag Team” the two make. Just look at how brown they are! (They didn’t actually say that part but it was obviously implied.) Tenay actually calls them the Tex/Mex connection because they are from the Mexican part of Texas I guess. What do I know, I’m from Canada. You all look the same to me. Bad guys jump LAX from behind, dump Supermex to the outside and proceed to go to work on Goryero. This doesn’t last long and the first offense Eddie, I mean Chavito hits is the Three Amigos then tries to go for the Frog Splash. The heels manage to take over and control the action for the next 20 minutes, letting Goriero do his best Road Dog. Eventually tho, Supermex does get tagged in, allowing him to take out the trash. When Supermex went for his suicide dive to the outside on Gunner, he tagged Gurrierio in mid air. Once tagged, Eddie, I mean Chavo hit the Frog Splash for the win. Great stuff in this one. It could be match of the night, but I hope it isn’t. But what the hell, let’s give it 5 stars.
-Up next is our Falls Count Anywhere Bound For Glory Fatal Four Way Hardcore match. It features Bob Van Damn, The Pimp – Di Angelo De Negro, BUT WAIT!! De Negro doesn’t come out when his music is hit!! Where could he be?!?!?! Oh Yeah, Aces and Eights are backstage lynching him. So hey, I guess this is now our Falls Count Anywhere Bound For Glory Three Way Dance Hardcore match. It features Bob Van Damn, Totally Straight Magnus, and MMMMISSSSTERRRRR KENNNDERRRRRRSONNN! Kendersonnnn... According to Tenay, only having three people in the match instead of four, lessens the chances of each winning. Makes sense. Barely two minutes in to the match we’re subjected to an accidental close up of BVD’s ass crack sweat. Thanks for that. I don’t know what the hell happened to RVD besides age but his matches are just the worst. Any time he was involved in this match, it was plodding and hesitant and brutal. Thankfully he spent more time laying on the ground than not and the work between Kenderson and TSM was pretty decent. So obviously as you’d expect, BVD hit his worst ever Vandamninator on the entrance stage and got the 20 point pin fall victory. My hope is fading but everything except BVD has made this the Match of the Night (so far). 5 baffling stars!
-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to let us know that security has swept the building because TNA can’t afford to hire janitors I guess. Oh yeah and they didn’t find anyone wearing ski masks and viciously beating black men. But while we’re here, let’s chat with some hooker. Oh wait, that’s no hooker, it’s Madison Rayne dressed like a hooker! She’s here to let us know that she is a multiple time singles and tag Knockouts champ so she doesn’t need any help to beat the champ. But if Ancient Earl Hebner DOES want to help, she’ll probably blow him (a kiss) later.
- In the ring, because we want to make sure RBD still has a belt to never defend on iMPACT, he gets to face Kazarian for the television championship. Kaz is already one half of the world tag team champions of the world as one third of the KKK with Kristopher Daniels and Klaire “the Krackwhore” Lynch. Her last name is Lynch? That’s fun! Bell rings and its on! RBD goes straight to the offense in that typical brawling style that got him where he is today. At one point the sound cut out on the feed but it actually increased my enjoyment. Tenay brings up the point that RBD has had the Television championship for months! The Professor has apparently failed to notice that Devon has also not defended the title in months. Late in the match, RBD hit Kaz with a Spear so hard I think he left some black on him. Then he almost pulled Kaz’s head off with a second rope neckbreaker of some sort. Kaz manages to mount a bit of a comeback and gets RBD set up in whatever the name of his ridiculous finisher is, when it gets reversed, allowing him to nail a Dominator, and get the three count. Anyway, that was an outstanding pier 6 brawl that could have been the match of the night. 5 Damn stars.
-A long video recap reminds us what a horrific shit show the Knockouts division has become. It also reminds us that Madison Rayne gets a title shot against Barry Tessmacher, with Ancient Earl Hebner scheduled to referee.
-It’s KNOCKOUTS TIME! Maddy is looking particularly lovely this evening rocking the pink and black, and of course Bart is again dressed like a slutty Captain America. Lots of hot knockouts action in this one with Maddy dominating most of the action. She seems out to prove that she doesn’t need the help of Earl to help her win the belt. Several near falls seem to rattle the challenger, leading her to start getting upset with the referee in her pocket. In her frustration, Barak is able to take advantage and start mounting a comeback. The ending of the match comes when Madison is able to roll Benny up and use the ropes for extra leverage. Ancient Earl Hebner didn’t manage to notice the ring ropes so we have a NEW KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION!! This was a really good match with a lot fewer blown spots than you might expect. 5 suspect stars.
-Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Every Segment Whatshisname. Whatshisname says that he’s not scared of anybody but he is scared of many anybodys because one against more than one is just math and math hurts! Also, he’s forgotten who he is again but he did remember he has a hardcore match NEXT!!
-It’s time for the Bound for Glory Fatal Four Way Hardcore Tables Match featuring Robbie EEEE, Every Segment Whathisname, Ed Hardy, and the young phenonm Cowboy James Storm. A fun spot kicks things off as everyone plays slap the shit out of Robbie EEE. Things got confusing when Storm and Hardy suplexed Whatshisname and Robbie was supposed to move the table but he didn’t get it far enough out of the way and Whatshishame clipped the corner. Hardy, being the drunk that he is of course broke character and started flipping out at Robbie till Storm shut him up and the refs made sure to get them continuing the match. Apparently even tho they broke the table, they didn’t put Whatshisname THROUGH the table. So as I am sure you are inferring, this match was about as clusterfucky as you could imagine including Robbie putting himself through a table and mercifully removing himself from the action. Aces and Eights come out and put an inconsequential beatdown on Whatshisname while giving the thumbs up to James Storm. Ending comes when Hardy eats a Sweetchinmusic out of nowhere and whatshisname is able to immediately toss the rookie from the ring and powerbomb Hardy through the table to get twenty points and put this abomination out of its misery. It may have been awful but it was still the tables match of the night. Five splintered stars!
-Backstage Jeremy Borash is again backstage, and this time he is with the Champ, Triple A Austin Aries. Aries says he’s going to win his title match tonight because he’s better than Bobby Roode. Alrighty then.
- Hows about we BRING ON THE SPOT MONKEYS!! Tonight we get to see Zema the Paralyzer Ion defend his title against Kenny “Not Rodney” King. I don’t like the champ’s chances in this one against the much darker man. This was a flippity shit clinic! Lots of high risk maneuvers in this one. I think there were more blown spots in this match than in the Knockouts match. The ending came when the two did this corner reversal spot thing that I don’t think was actually blow but rather, just looked crappy. Long story short, it resulted in King getting dropped on his face, rolled over and pinned for 3. Without a word of bullshit this was (not) your MATCH OF THE NIGHT! Negative 5 Stars!
-Backstage Jeremy Borash is still backstage interviewing the only participant in the 4 way Ladder match who can’t talk, Samoa Joe, and as expected, he doesn’t say much.
-It’s Bound for Glory Fatal Four Way Ladder Match Time!! This time we get American Jigalo Styles, One Third of the KKK, Kristopher Daniels, Kurt Angle, and Evil Foreigner Samoan Joe. The match kicked off more or less like the last four way did with Kristopher Daniels playing the role of Robbie E. It seemed at first like nobody really wanted to fight in this match but eventually it got off the ground and became more or less every other four way ladder match we’ve ever seen. I’m not quite sure why but Kurt Angle was WAY more over than anyone else in this match, which is especially odd considering the most interesting thing he’s done on tv this year was a Funny or Die video, but I digress. This was definitely the Admiral Crispy of ladder matches. It was sort of good like the other brand, but it just wasn’t quite there, and it still tore the hell out of your mouth for no reason. There was a pretty fun spot when AJ had been dumped off the ladder to the outside, and the other three were left in the ring, Samoan Joe and Kurt Angle decided to trade suplexes on Kristopher Daniels. They hit 3 each then stuck daniels through a ladder and traded soccer kicks to the gut. Good times. The ending came when, with two ladders set up, Samoan Joe and Angle battled at the top of the ladder when AJ jumped from the turn buckle across that tiny ring, landed on the other ladder, ran up and scooped the victory from the other men. This was a pretty fun great match. It so far has no competition for Match of the Night. 5 certain stars.
-Since it’s almost that time, Backstage Jeremy Borash is backstage to interview Ravishing Bobby Roode. Roode is here to tell all you fat, ugly, sweathogs, to shut your mouths and let the ladies see how a real man deals with a FLUUKE! He assures BJB that since he carries this company on his back so he’s pretty much guaranteeing that he’s going to beat that fluke tonight and bring the gold BACK TO CANADA!! (I may have added in that last part...) FLUUUUUKE!
-ITS MAIN EVENT TIME!! World Heavyweight Championship match between Triple A Austin Aries and Ravishing Bobby Roode. (Side note, I just noticed a guy in the crowd wearing a “Yes shirt that looks like he may have eaten Daniel Bryan.) As expected there was lots of back and forth action in this one and lots of posturing and psychology early from both combatants. The match is pretty even and balanced. They even trade Bowden Crossfaces at one point. At one point we get a ref bump that leads to another ref joining the action. This sets up the ending where two refs counted the three, each for another participant. This of course brought out Senior official Ancient Earl Hebner to dusty the place and restart the match. The next few minutes were a stampede of near falls that culminated with Aries actually winning with a roll up. Everything up to that point was outstanding however, and this was far and away the match of the night! 5 Screwy Stars!!
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT
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