iMPACT is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVE!!
Hey Fuckers!
It’s the network’s only TNA fan here with YOUR iMPACT RECAP!!, Now with 50% Less Racism! So cue MY Music!!!
-Remember how last week there was a bunch of nonsense talking segments interspersed with a lot of pointless matches that were either meaningless or undid any sort of previous progress the company had made? Remember how Aces and Eights keep promising to make this huge umm, impact, but then decide they’re too fat and lazy to put in any more effort than a few laughably menacing backstage video packages? Remember when Bully Ray was in a program with Joseph Park? You don’t? Well count yourself among the lucky ones...
-Tonight!! It’s Open Fight Night! AGAIN!! (Jeez, didn’t you think they would have forgotten about this thing by now?) TONIGHT!! Gut Check Returns! TONIGHT!! Sting STILL wants a piece of Aces & Eights!!
-THIS IS STING!!! Is headed to the ring. He’s being followed by the entire TNA locker room. He’s here to let everyone know that he’s told security to leave the gates wide open for Aces & Eights because apparently security had been doing such a great job of keeping them out before. Shockingly, he wants to fight the Aces & Eights. And so does the rookie, James Storm. But since they paid so much for his entrance music, he has to come out on his own. He says the same stuff that Sting just said but with much more drawl. Ridiculously, two members of the Aces & Eights show up, are allowed in to the ring, and get beaten down. When interrogated, one of them thanked Sting for getting him “Patched In” He then lets Sting know that they’re all in for a long, painful night. I have a feeling so am I.
- In the zONE, some hooker has decided to flounce her way down the entrance ramp. Hold the phone! I guess it’s KNOCKOUTS TIME because that’s no hooker, that’s Brandon Tessmacher!! Unfortunately she has a microphone. Because everyone knows the only thing worse than watching a knockout wrestle is listening to a knockout talk. Since she doesn’t have a feud, she’s decided to turn on her best friend and so she calls out Tara. Fortunately Taryn Terell is here to officiate. Unfortunately she’s wearing a much tighter top. The two put on a mutual respect clinic in this one. The two give exactly what you’d expect from a woman’s match, except with extra awkwardness and blown spots. I’m curious who’s idea it was to take a really great division of talent and give the worst one the belt. I don’t understand the logic there. Anyway, Tara hits a top rope superplex and pins the champ. Luckily for Bradley, the match was non-title. And it was easily the Knockouts match of the night. I don’t see how they’re going to top this one, honestly. 5 forgettable stars.
-Backstage, Sting is standing around backstage with AJ, BVD, and the Robbies. He says he has good news and bad news. First, he’s learned that Di Angelo De Negro, was so badly injured in the Aces & Eights attack, that he’s going to be out of action for a couple of months. So this means that the other three are going to have to face off in a triple threat match NEXT!! So...what was the good news exactly?
-In the ring we have a Bound for Glory Triple Threat match because nothing says Open Fight Night like haphazard booking. It’s American Jigalo Styles, taking on Bob Van Damn, and Robbie EEEE. This ought to be good. Oh, and even more good news! Later we’re going to find out the results of Klaire Lynch’s paternity test! #vomit. There was lots of three way action in this one. AJ and BVD did their best to ignore Robbie EEEE. This was actually a pretty decent little 5 minute match. Unfortunately it was a 15 minute match. The ending came when BVD hit the 5StarFrogSplash on Styles and inexplicably Robbie EEEE jumps in and stacks up Van Damn for the three count. This was the epitome of pointlessness and as such is the Match of the Night! 5 head-shaking stars.
-Aces & Eights were sure right about this being a long, painful night. Luckily the Inebriated Enigma is here to babble his way through a half-assed explanation for wanting to Robbie TEEE. You know what I think of when I think about booking a truly great TNA show? I’ll tell ya, Robbie TEEE Vs Ed Hardy! This match went about how you’d expect except longer. Big man dominated the early action, face in peril hulked up and fought his way back in to the match. Kick Wham Twist of Fate, Swanton, Match of the night. 5 formulaic stars.
- And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for... Backstage Jeremy Borash is in the ring and he’s welcoming American Jigalo Styles to come out and hear the results of his test. But first, he has a mic, and he wants to apologize for subjecting us to such a shitty storyline for so long. Speaking of long shitty storylines, let’s drag this out a little longer and bring out two thirds of the KKK to come berate AJ, and America, about being bad fathers. While they’re rambling, a lawyer, who is neither renowned or from Chicago, comes out to read a statement from Lynch. She says that the whole thing was a scam perpetrated by Kaz and Kristopher, and she was never actually pregnant. So... SURPRISE! #killmenow
-Backstage, Sting gets cornered by some Aces & Eights finally and Hulk Hogan sneaks up behind them and clubs them all to the ground with a bat. He’s sporting the blond handlebar with the black stubble so I guess that means that Hollywood is old school. Are you as excited as I am, Chris!?!?!?!
-Thank goodness it’s Gut Check Time!! This month, it’s Chris Louie!! And as if that wasn’t cool enough, he gets to fight Gunner!! Remember how Reks and Hawkins fought those two superjobbers on Smackdown last week? Now imagine that was a singles match. Anyway, the kid sucks and Gunner killed him I think. Either way, there’s no chance this guy’s keeping a job. And Chris Louie sucks too. Gut Check Match of the MONTH! 5 squashy stars.
-In the parking lot, ODB is leaving a message for EY, wondering where the hell he is and why he won’t come back. Plus she grabs her genitals a lot.
-In the ring, Mr Kenderson Kenderson is here. He just might challenge someone. Right now the only thing being challenged is my ability to finish this recap. Turns out he’s not here to challenge, but he is here to fight, Every Segment Whatshisname. Well, it’s pointless but at least it has the potential to be decent. It starts out at a measured, yet stiff pace, with lots of hard hitting action. Whatshisname dominates the lion’s share of the match. While the match goes on, we find out that other members of the iMPACT roster are backstage beating down Aces & Eights. Kenderson manages to get back in to things and the action picked up all the way to the finale where Kenderson reverses a BKO in to a Mic Check for the three. This was a really good match and really has no competition for the match of the night tonight. 5 sincere stars.
-The final three hours of the show were basically one big brawl that was virtually impossible to recap as the TNA roster did battle with the Aces & Eights. I’d like to say there were some cool spots here but it was pretty much a clusterfuck with no resolution and the bad guys (?) eventually getting run off. I think that was supposed to be a cliff hanger but it came off more like a rope hanger.
Anyway...
That happened.
You can follow me on Twitter at @2hot2k, or send your questions or comments to mnfscott@gmail.com
See you next week.
Your Pal
2HoT
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